CHAPTER XX.

April.
I have had a new lesson which has almost broken my heart. In looking over his father’s papers, Ernest found a little journal, brief in its records indeed, but we learn from it that on all those wedding and birthdays, when I fancied his austere religion made him hold aloof from our merry-making, he was spending the time in fast- ing and praying for us and for our children ! Oh, shall I ever learn the sweet charity that thinketh no evil and believeth all things ! What blessings may not have descended upon us and our children through those prayers ! What evils may they not have warded off ! Dear old father ! Oh, that I could once more put my loving arms about him and bid him welcome to our home ! And how gladly would I now confess to him all my unjust judgments concerning him and entreat his forgiveness! Must life always go on thus? Must I always be erring, ignorant and blind? How I hate this arrogant sweeping past my brother man; this utter ignoring of his hidden life!
I now see that it is well for mother that she
did not come to live with me at the beginning
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of my married life. I should not have borne with her little peculiarities, nor have made her half so happy as I can now. I thank God that my varied disappointments and discomforts, my feeble health, my poverty, my mortifications have done me some little good, and driven me to Him a thousand times because I could not get along without His help. But I am not satisfied with my state in His sight. I am sure some- thing is lacking though I know not what it is.
May. — Helen is going to stay here and
live with Martha. How glad, how enchanted I am ! Old Mr. Underhill is getting well ; I saw him to-day. He can talk of nothing but his ill- ness, of Martha’s wonderful skill in nursing him, declaring that he owes his life to her. I felt a little piqued at this speech, because Ernest was very attentive to him, and no doubt did his share towards the cure. We have fitted up father’s room for a nursery. Hitherto all the children have had to sleep in our room, which has been bad for them and bad for us. I have been so afraid they would keep Ernest awake if they were unwell and restless.
I have secured an excellent nurse, who is as fresh and blooming as the flower whose name she bears. The children are already attached to her, and I feel that the worst of my life is
now over.
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Junk. — Tittle Ernest was taken sick on
the very day I wrote that. The attack was fear- fully sudden and violent. He is still very, very ill. I have not forgotten that I once said that I would give my children to God should He ask for them. And I will. But, oh, this agony of suspense ! It eats into my very soul and eats it away. Oh, my little Ernest ! My first-born son ! My pride, my joy, my hope ! And I thought the worst of my life was over !
August. — We have come into the country
with what God has left us, our two youngest children. Yes, I have tasted the bitter cup of bereavement, and drunk it down to its dregs. I gave my darling to God, I gave him, I gave him ! But, oh, with what anguish I saw those round, dimpled limbs wither and waste away, the glad smile fade forever from that beautiful face ! What a fearful thing it is to be a mother ! But I have given my child to God. I would not recall him if I could. I am thankful He has counted me worthy to present Him so costly a gift.
I cannot shed a tear, and I must find relief in writing, or I shall lose my senses. My noble, beautiful boy ! My first-born son ! And to think that my delicate little Una still lives, and that death has claimed that bright, glad creature who was the sunshine of our home !
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But let me not forget my mercies. Let me not forget that I have a precious husband and two darling children, and my kind, sympathizing mother still left to me. Let me not forget how many kind friends gathered about us in our sor- row. Above all let me remember God’s loving- kindness and tender mercy. He has not left us to the bitterness of a grief that refuses and dis- dains to be comforted. We believe in Him, wTe love Him, wre worship Him, as w7e never did be- fore.
My dear Ernest has felt this sorrow to his heart’s core. But he has not for one moment questioned the goodness or the love of our Father in thus taking from us the child who promised to be our greatest earthly joy. Our consent to God’s will has drawn us together very closely ; together we bear the yoke in our youth, together we pray and sing praises in the very midst of our tears. ‘ ‘ I was dumb with silence because Thou didst it.”
Sept. — The old pain and cough have
come back with the first cool nights of this month. Perhaps I am going to my darling — I do not know. I am certainly very feeble. Con- senting to suffer does not annul the suffering. Such a child could not go hence without rending and tearing its way out of the heart that loved it. This world is wholly changed to me and I
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walk in it like one in a dream. And dear Ernest is changed, too. He says little and is all kind- ness and goodness to me, but I can see that here is a wound that will never be healed.
I am confined to my room now with nothing to do but to think, think, think. I do not be- lieve that God has taken our child in mere dis- pleasure, but I cannot but feel that this affliction might not have been necessary if I had not so chafed and writhed, and secretly repined at the way in which my home was invaded, and at our galling poverty. God has exchanged the one discipline for the other ; and, oh, how far more bitter is this cup !
Oct. 4. — My darling boy would have
been six years old to-day. Ernest still keeps me shut up, but he rather urges my seeing a friend now and then. People say very strange things in the way of consolation. I begin to think that a tender clasp of the hand is about all one can give to the afflicted. One says I must not grieve, because my child is better off in heaven. Yes he is better off; I know it, I feel it, but I miss him none the less. Others say he might have grown up to be a bad man and broken my heart. Perhaps he might, but I cannot make myself believe that likely. One lady asked me if this affliction was not a rebuke to my idolatry of my darling ; and another if I had not been in
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a cold, worldly state, needing this severe blow on that account.
But I find no consolation or support in these remarks. My comfort is in the perfect faith in the goodness and love of my Father, my cer- tainty that He had a reason in thus afflicting me that I should admire and adore if I knew what it was. And in the midst of my sorrow I have had, and do have a delight in Him hitherto unknown, so that sometimes this room in which I am a prisoner seems like the very gate of heaven.
May. — A long winter in my room and
all sorts of painful remedies and appliances and deprivations. And now I am getting well, and drive out every day. Martha sends her carriage, and mother goes with me. Dear mother ! How nearly perfect she is ! I never saw a sweeter face, nor ever heard swTeeter expressions of faith in God, and love to all about her, than hers. She has been my tower of strength all through these weary months, and yet she has shared my sorrow and made it her own.
I can see that dear Ernest’s affliction and this prolonged anxiety about me have been a heavenly benediction to him. I am sure that every mother whose sick child he visits, will have a sympathy he could not have given while all our little ones were alive and well. I thank God that he has thus increased my dear hus-
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band’s usefulness, as I think that He has mine also. How tenderly I already feel towards all suffering children, and how easy it will be now to be patient with them !
Keene, N. H., July 12. — It is a year ago this day that the brightest sunshine faded out of our lives, and our beautiful boy was taken from us. I have been tempted to spend this anniver- sary in bitter tears and lamentations. For, oh, this sorrow is not healed by time ! I feel it more and more. But I begged God w7hen I first awoke this morning not to let me so dishonor and grieve Him. I may suffer, I must suffer, He means it, He walls it, but let it be without repining, without gloomy despondency. The wrorld is full of sorrow ; it is not I alone who taste its bitter draughts, nor have I the only right to a sad countenance. Oh, for patience to bear it, cost wdiat it may !
“ Cheerfully and gratefully I lay myself and all I am or own, at the feet of Him who redeemed me with His precious blood, engaging to follow Him; bearing the cross He lays upon me.” This is the least I can do, and I do it while my heart lies broken and bleeding at His feet.
My dear little Una has improved somewhat in health, but I am never free from anxiety about her. She is my milk-white lamb, my dove, my fragrant flower. One cannot look in her pure
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face without a sense of peace and rest. She is the sentinel who voluntarily guards my door when I am engaged at my devotions ; she is my little comforter when I am sad ; my companion and friend at all times. I talk to her of Christ, and always have done, just as I think of Him, and as if I expected sympathy from her in my love to Him. It was the same with my darling Ernest. If I required a little self-denial, I said, cheerfully, ‘ ‘ This is hard, but doing it for our best Friend, sweetens it,” and their alacrity was pleasant to see. Ernest threw his whole soul into whatever he did, and sometimes when en- gaged in play would hesitate a little when directed to do something else, such as carrying a message for me, and the like. But if I said, “ If you do this cheerfully and pleasantly, my dar- ling, you do it for Jesus, and that will make him smile upon you,” he would invariably yield at once.
Is not this the true, the natural way of linking every little daily act of a child’s life with that Divine Love, that Divine Fife which gives mean- ing to all things?
But what do I mean by the vain boast that I have always trained rr^ children thus ? Alas ! I have done it only at times ; for while my theory was sound, my temper of mind was too often unsound. I was often and often impatient with my dear little boy ; often my tone was a worldly
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one ; I was often full of eager interest in mere outside things, and forgot that I was living or that my children were living save for the present moment.
It seems now that I have a child in heaven, and am bound to the invisible world by such a tie, that I can never again be entirely absorbed by this.
I fancy my ardent, eager little boy as having some such employments in his new and happy home as he had here. I see him loving Him who took children in His arms and blessed them, with all the warmth of which his nature is capable, and as perhaps employed as one of those messengers whom God sends forth as His minis- ters. For I cannot think of those active feet, those busy hands as always quiet. Ah, my darling, that I could look in upon you for a moment, a single moment, and catch one of your radiant smiles ; just one !
August 4. — How full are David’s Psalms
of the cry of the sufferer ! He must have ex- perienced every kind of bodily and mental tor- ture. He gives most vivid illustrations of the wasting, wearing process of disease. For in- stance, what a contrast is the picture we have of him when he was “ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to,” and the one he paints of himself in after years,
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when he says, “I may tell all my bones, they look and stare upon me ; my days are like a shadow that declineth, and I am withered like grass. I am weary with groaning ; all the night make I my bed to swim ; I water my couch with my tears. For my soul is full of troubles ; and my life draweth near unto the grave.”
And then what wails of anguish are these !
“I am afflicted, and ready to die from my youth up ; while I suffer thy terrors I am distracted. Thy wrath lieth hard upon me and thou hast afflicted me with all thy waves. All thy waves and thy billows have gone over me. Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into utter darkness.”
Yet through it all what grateful joy in God, what expressions of living faith and devotion ! During my long illness and confinement to my room, the Bible has been almost a new book to me, and I see that God has always dealt with His children as He deals with them now, and that no new thing has befallen me. All these weary days so full of languor, these nights so full of unrest, have had their appointed mission to my soul. And perhaps I have had no dis- cipline so salutary as this forced inaction and uselessness, at a time when youth and natural energy continually cried out for more room and work.
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August 15. — I dragged out my drawing
materials in a listless way this morning, and began to sketch the beautiful scene from my window. At first I could not feel interested. It seemed as if my hand was crippled and lost its cunning when it unloosed its grasp of little Ernest and let him go. But I prayed, as I worked, that I might not yield to the inclina- tion to despise and throw away the gift with which God has Himself endowred me. Mother was gratified and said it rested her to see me act like myself once more. Ah, I have been very selfish, and have been far too much ab- sorbed with my sorrow and my illness and my own petty struggles.
August 19. — I met to-day an old friend,
Maria Kelly, who is married, it seems, and set- tled down in this pretty village. She asked so many questions about my little Ernest that I had to tell her the whole story of his precious life, sickness, and death. I forced myself to do this quietly, and without any great demand on her sympathies. My reward for the constraint I thus put upon myself was the abrupt question :
“ Haven’t you grown stoical ? ”
I felt the angry blood rush through my veins as it has not done in a long time. My pride was wounded to the quick, and those cruel, unjust words still rankle in my heart. This is not as it
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should be. I am constantly praying that my pride may be humbled, and then when it is attacked, I shrink from the pain the blow causes, and am angry with the hand that inflicts it. It is just so with two or three unkind things Martha has said to me. I can’t help brooding over them and feeling stung with their injustice, even while making the most desperate struggle to rise above and forget them. It is well for our fellow- creatures that God forgives and excuses them, when we fail to do it, and I can easily fancy that poor Maria Kelly is at this moment dearer in His sight than I am who have taken fire at a chance word. And I can see now, what I wonder I did not see at the time, that God was dealing very kindly and wisely with me when he made Martha overlook my good qualities, of which I suppose I have some, as everybody else has, and call out all my bad ones, since the ax was thus laid at the root of self-love. And it is plain that self- love cannot die without a fearful struggle.
May 26, 1846. — How long it is since I
have written in my journal ! We have had a winter full of cares, perplexities and sicknesses. Mother began it by such a severe attack of inflammatory rheumatism as I could not have supposed she could live through. Her sufferings were dreadful, and I might almost say her patience was, for I often thought it would be
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less painful to hear her groan and complain, than to witness such heroic fortitude, such sweet docility under God’s hand. I hope I shall never forget the lessons I have learned in her sick- room. Ernest says he never shall cease to rejoice that she lives with us, and that he can watch over her health. He has indeed been like a son to her, and this has been a great solace amid all her sufferings. Before she wTas able to leave the room, poor little Una was prostrated by one of her ill turns, and is still very feeble. The only way in which she can be diverted is by reading to her, and I have done little else these two months but hold her in my arms, singing little songs and hymns, telling stories and read- ing what few books I can find that are unexcit- ing, simple, yet entertaining. My precious little darling ! She bears the yoke in her youth without a frown, but it is agonizing to see her suffer so. How much easier it would be to bear all her physical infirmities myself ! I suppose to those who look on from the outside, we must appear like a most unhappy family, since we hardly get free from one trouble before another steps in. But I see more and more that happi- ness is not dependent on health or any other outside prosperity. We are at peace with each other and at peace with God ; His dealings with us do not perplex or puzzle us, though we do not pretend to understand them. On the other
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hand, Martha, with absolutely perfect health, with a husband entirely devoted to her, and with every wish gratified, yet seems always careworn and dissatisfied. Her servants worry her very life out ; she misses the homely household duties to which she has been accustomed ; and her conscience stumbles at little things, and over- looks greater ones. It is very interesting, I think, to study different homes, as well as the different characters that form them.
Amelia’s little girls are quiet, good children, to whom their father writes what Mr. Underhill and Martha pronounce “beautiful” letters, wherein he always styles himself their ‘ ‘ broken- hearted but devoted father.” “Devotion,” to my mind, involves self-sacrifice, and I cannot reconcile its use, in this case, with the life of ease he leads, while all the care of his children is thrown upon others. But some people, by means of a few such phrases, not only impose upon themselves but upon their friends, and pass for persons of great sensibility.
As I have been confined to the house nearly the whole winter, I have had to derive my spiritual support from books, and as mother gradually recovered, she enjoyed Leighton with me, as I knew she would. Dr. Cabot comes to see us very often, but I do not now find it possi- ble to get the instruction from him I used to do. I see that the Christian life must be individual,
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as the natural character is — and that I cannot be exactly like Dr. Cabot, or exactly like Mrs. Campbell, or exactly like mother, though they all three .stimulate and are an inspiration to me. But I see, too, that the great points of similarity in Christ’s disciples have always been the same. This is the testimony of all the good books, sermons, hymns, and memoirs I read — that God’s ways are infinitely perfect ; that we are to love Him for what He is, and therefore equally as much when He afflicts as when He prospers us ; that there is no real happiness but in doing and suffering His will, and that this life is but a scene of probation through which we pass to the real life above.