C. said in his letter. But I get hold of this idea

in a misty, unsatisfactory way. If Christ is to do all, what am I to do ? And have I not been told, over and over again, that the Christian life is one of conflict, and that I am to fight like a good soldier ?
August 5. — Dr. Cabot has come just as
I need him most. I long for one of those good talks with him which always used to strengthen me so. I feel a perfect weight of depression that makes me a burden to myself and to poor
STEPPING HEAVENWARD.
199
Krnest, who, after visiting sick people all day, needs to come home to a cheerful wife. But he comforts me with the assurance that this is merely physical despondency, and that I shall get over it by and by. How kind, how even tender he is ! My heart is getting all it wants from him, only I am too stupid to enjoy him as I ought. Father, too, talks far less about his own bad feelings, and seems greatly concerned at mine. As to Martha, I have done trying to get sympathy or love from her. She cannot help it, I suppose, but she is very hard and dry towards me, and I feel such a longing to throw myself on her mercy, and to have one little smile to assure me that she has forgiven me for being Ernest’s wife, and so different from what she would have chosen for him.
Dr. Elliott to Mrs. Mortimer : —
October 4, 1838.
My Dkar Katy’s Mother : — You will rejoice with us when I tell you that we are the happy parents of a very fine little boy. My dearest wife sends “an ocean of love’’ to you, and says she will write herself to-morrow. That I shall not be very likely to allow, as you will imagine. She is doing extremely well, and we have every- thing to be grateful for.
Your affectionate son,
J. E. Elliott. -
200
STEPPING HEAVENWARD.
Mrs. Crofton to Mrs. Mortimer :
I am sure, my dear sister, that the doctor has not written you more than five lines about the great event which has made such a stir in our domestic circle. So I must try to supply the details you will want to hear. ... I need not add that our darling Katy behaved nobly. Her self-forgetfulness and consideration for others was really beautiful throughout the whole scene. The doctor may well be proud of her, and I took care to tell him so in presence of that dreadful sister of his. I never met so angular, so uncom- promising a person as she is in all my life. She does not understand Katy, and never can, and I find it hard to realize that living wdth such a person can furnish a wholesome discipline, which is even more desirable than the most delightful home. And yet I not only know that this is true in the abstract, but I see that it is so in the actual fact. Katy is acquiring both self-control and patience, and her Christian character is developing in a way that amazes me. I cannot but hope that God will, in time, deliver her from this trial ; indeed, I feel sure that when it has done its beneficent work He will do so. Martha Elliott is a good woman, but her goodness is without grace or beauty. She takes excellent care of Katy, keeps her looking as if she had just come out of a band-box, as the saying is, and always has her room in perfect order. But
5 TEPPING HE A VEN WA RD.
201
one misses the loving word, the re-assuring smile, the delicate, thoughtful little forbearance, that ought to adorn every sick room, and light it up with genuine sunshine. There is one comfort about it, however, and that is, that I can spoil dear Katy to my heart’s content.
As to the baby, he is a fine little fellow, and his mother is so happy in him that she can afford to do without some other pleasures. I shall write again in a few days. Meanwhile, you may rest assured that I love your Katy almost as well as you do, and shall be with her most of the time till she is quite herself again.
James to his mother :
Of course there never was such a baby before on the face of the earth. Katy is so nearly wild with joy, that you can’t get her to eat or sleep or do any of the proper things that her charming sister-in-law thinks becoming under the circum- stances. You never saw anything so pretty in your life, as she is now. I hope the doctor is as much in love with her as I am. He is the best fellow in the world, and Katy is just the wife for him.
Nov. 4. — My darling baby is a month old
to-day. I never saw such a splendid child. I love him so that I lie awake nights to watch him. Martha says, in her dry way, that I had better
202
STEPPING HEAVENWARD.
show my love by sleeping and eating for him, and Krnest says I shall, as soon as I get stronger. But I don’t get strong, and that discourages me.
Nov. 26. — I begin to feel rather more
like myself, and as if I could write -with less labor. I have had in these past few weeks such a revelation of suffering, and such a revelation of joy, as mortal mind can hardly conceive of. The world I live in now is a new world ; a world full of suffering that leads to unutterable felicity. Oh, this precious, precious baby ! How can I thank God enough for giving him to me !
I see now why He has put some thorns into my domestic life ; but for them I should be too happy to live. It does not seem just the moment to complain, and yet, as I can speak to no one, it is a relief, a great relief, to write about my trials. During my whole sickness, Martha has been so hard, .so cold, so unsympathizing that sometimes it has seemed as if my cup of trial could not hold another drop. She routed me out of bed when I was so languid that every- thing seemed a burden, and wdien sitting up made me faint away. I heard her say to herself, that I had no constitution and had no business to get married. The worst of all is that during that dreadful night before baby came, she kept asking Ernest to lie down and rest, and was sure he would kill himself, and all that, while she had
STEPPING HEAVENWARD.
203
not one word of pity for me. But, 0I1, why need I let this rankle in my heart ! Why can not I turn my thoughts entirely to my darling baby, my dear husband, and all the other sources of joy that make my home a happy one in spite of this one discomfort ! I hope I am learning some useful lessons from my joys and from my trials, and that both wrill serve to make me in earnest, and to keep me so.
Dec. 4. — We have had a great time about
poor baby’s name. I expected to call him Ray- mond, for my own dear father, as a matter of course. It seemed a small gratification for mother and her lonesomeness. Dear mother ! How little I have known, all these years, what I cost her ! But it seems there has been a Jotham in the family ever since the memory of man, each eldest son handing down his father’s name to the next in descent, and Ernest’s real name is Jotham Ernest — of all the extraordinary combin- ations ! His mother would add the latter name in spite of everything. Ernest behaved very well through the whole affair, and said he had no feeling about it at all. But he was so gratified when I decided to keep up the family custom that I felt rewarded for the sacrifice.
Father is in one of his gloomiest moods. As I sat caressing baby to-day, he said to me :
“ Daughter Katherine, I trust you make it a
204
STEPPING HEAVENWARD.
subject of prayer to God that you may be kept from idolatry.”
“No, father,” I returned, “ I never do. An idol is something one puts in God’s place, and I don’t put baby there.”
He shook his head, and said the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked.
“ I have heard mother say that we might love an earthly object as much as we pleased, if we only love God better.” I might have added, but of course I didn’t, that I prayed every day that I might love Ernest and baby better and better. Poor father seemed puzzled and troubled by what I did say, and after musing awhile, went on thus .
“ The Almighty is a great and terrible Being. He cannot bear a rival ; He will have the whole heart or none of it. When I see a young woman so absorbed in a created being as you are in that infant, and in your other friends, I tremble for you, I tremble for you ! ”
“But, father,” I persisted, “God gave me this child, and He gave me my heart, just as it is.”
“Yes ; and that heart needs renewing.”
“I hope it is renewed,” I replied. “But I know there is a great work still to be done in it. And the more effectually it is done the more loving I shall grow. Don’t you see, father? Don’t you see that the more Christ-like I be-
STEPPING HEAVENWARD.
205
come, the more I shall be filled with love for every living thing ?”
He shook his head, but pondered long, as he always does, on whatever he considers audacious. As for me, I am vexed with my presumption in disputing with him, and am sure, too, that I was trying to show off what little wisdom I have picked up. Besides, my mountain does not stand so strong as it did. Perhaps I am making idols out of Ernest and the baby.
Jan. 16, 1839. — This is our second wed- ding-day. I did not expect much from it, after last year’s failure. Father was very gloomy at breakfast, and retired to his room directly after it. No one could get in to make his bed, and he would not come down to dinner. I wonder Ernest lets him go on so. But his rule seems to be to let everybody have their own way. He certainly lets me have mine. After dinner he gave me a book I have been wanting for some time, and had asked him for — The Imitation of Christ. Ever since that day at Mrs. Campbell’s I have felt that I should like it, though I did think, in old times, that it preached too hard a doctrine. I read aloud to him the “Four steps to peace he said they were admirable, and then took it from me and began reading to him- self, here and there. I felt the precious moments when I had got him all to myself were passing
206
.S' TEPPING HE A VEN WA PD.
away, and was becoming quite out of patience with him when the words, “ Constantly seek to have less, rather than more,” flashed into my mind. I suppose this direction had reference to worldly goods, but I despise money, and despise people who love it. The riches I crave are not silver and gold, but my husband’s love and esteem. And of these must I desire to have less rather than more ? I puzzled myself over this question in vain, but when I silently prayed to be satisfied with just what God chose to give me of the wealth I crave, yes, hunger and thirst for, I certainly felt a sweet content, for the time at least, that was quite resting and quieting. And just as I had reached that acquiescent mood, Ernest threw down his book, and came and caught me in his arms.
“ I thank God,” he said, “ my precious wife, that I married you this day. The wisest thing I ever did, was when I fell in love with you and made a fool of myself ! ”
What a speech for my silent old darling to make ! Whenever he says and does a thing out of character, and takes me all by surprise, how delightful he is ! Now the world is a beautiful world, and so is everybody in it. I met Martha on the stairs after Ernest had gone, and caught her and kissed her. She looked perfectly aston- ished.
“What spirits the child has!” I heard her
STEPPING HEAVENWARD.
207
whisper to herself : “no sooner down than up again. ’ ’
And she sighed. Can it be that under that stern and hard crust, there lie hidden affections and perhaps hidden sorrows ?
I ran back and asked, as kindly as I could, “ What makes you sigh, Martha? Is anything troubling you ? Have I done anything to annoy you ? ’ ’
“You do the best you can,” she said, and pushed past me to her own room.