CHAPTER XXXIX.

THE SAINT GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OTHKR MIRACULOUS GRACES AND SUBLIME VISIONS WITH WHICH SHE WAS FAVORED BY OUR. LORD.
I WAS once very importunate with our Lord, that He would be pleased to restore sight to a certain person to whom I was under great obligations, who had become almost quite blind ; and I was afraid our Lord would not hear my prayer, on account of my sins. He then appeared to me, as He had done at other times, and began to show me the wound in His left hand, and with His right hand He drew out the great nail which had been fastened in it ;. and I thought that some of the very flesh came out with the nail, by which it was evident how great was the pain it caused Him. The sight of it pierced my heart with grief. He told me, " that since He had endured that for my sake, I should not doubt but that He would more willingly grant this request of mine ; and so He promised me, that I should ask Him nothing that He would not do; for He knew already, that I would beg nothing of Him but what should be for His glory, and that He would grant this favor which I now begged for. He bade me also consider, that even when I did not serve Him, I had not desired anything of Him which He had not granted, even better than I knew how to ask ; and, there fore, how much more would He do it now, when lie knew I loved Him ! And that I must not doubt His word." I think eight days had not passed before our Lord restored sight to this person. I informed my confessor of tins imme diately when it happened.
Another time, there was a person sick of a very painful
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 363
infirmity, but as I do not know what the disease was, I can not give the particulars. It was very insupportable, and he had been troubled with it for two months, and had been tor mented in such a way as to be almost torn in pieces. My confessor, who was the rector I have mentioned, went to see him ; and, as he took great compassion on him, he told me I must by all means go and see him, for he was a relation of mine. I went, and took so much pity on him, that I began to beg his health of our Lord, in a very earnest and impor tunate manner. In this I saw clearly the favor our Lord was pleased to grant me, for immediately the very next day, he was quite free from his pain.
I was once in very great trouble, because I knew a cer tain person, to whom I was much indebted, was resolved to do a thing which was greatly against the honor of God, as well as his own, and yet he was resolutely bent upon it. My affliction was great, because I knew not which way to find any remedy to make him leave it, and it seemed to me that there was none. I therefore begged very earnestly of God to apply one, but without seeing myself able to alleviate my pain. I then went to a little hermitage, somewhat retired, where there was a picture of Christ at the pillar ; and I be sought Him to do me that favor. While I was praying, I heard a most sweet voice speaking to me, as if in the act of whistling. At this I became greatly terrified, though I had a strong desire to hear what it said to me ; but I could not, for it passed suddenly away. But when once my fear was removed, which was soon, I remained in such great quiet and joy, and such great interior delight, that I was amazed to see how only hearing a voice (and that with my corporal ears, and without any word) was able to produce so powerful an operation in my soul. I perceived thereby that what I had asked should be done, and accordingly all my solicitude was removed, as much as if I had seen it actually performed, as it was afterwards. I related the whole matter to my con fessors, both of whom were then very virtuous and learned men.
I knew also a certain person who had resolved to serve God very seriously, and had practiced mental prayer for some time, and therein His Majesty had shown him many
364 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
favors ; and yet he omitted this kind of prayer upon certain occasions which fell in his way ; and he did not avoid those occasions, though they were very dangerous. This gave me very great affliction, because the person was one whom I loved much, and whom also I was bound to love. I think it was more than a month, during which I did nothing else but beg of God that He would bring this soul back again to Himself. At the end of this time, being one day in prayer, I saw a devil very near me, with certain papers in his hands, which he was tearing ; he seemed to be in a very great pas sion. This gave me much comfort, because thereby I knew that my request was granted ; and so it was, as I learnt afterwards ; for the individual had been to confession, which he had made with great contrition ; and he returned to God so earnestly, that I hope in His Majesty he will always advance in His service. May He be blessed by all men ! Amen.
With regard to our Lord delivering souls from grievous sins, at my humble supplication, and often bringing others to greater perfection, and freeing souls from purgatory, and doing many other extraordinary things, these favors of our Lord have been so numerous, that I should weary both my self and my reader were I to mention them. These have happened more frequently for the benefit of souls than of bodies. This is so well known, that there are many wit nesses thereof. At first, I had many scruples about it, be cause I could not help believing that our Lord was pleased to do many things by my prayers (I omit here speaking of His goodness alone, which is the principal reason) ; but there are now so many particulars, and so well known by others, that I have no difficulty in believing this. It gives me, how ever, great confusion, because I find myself still more and more His debtor: and, in my opinion, it increases my desire to serve Him, and it revives my love. But that which astonishes me still more, is, that those things which our Lord finds not to be convenient, I cannot beg of Him, though I might wish to do so, except with such little strength, spirit, and attention, that though I would fain force myself, it is impossible for me to do so in these, as in those other things which His Majesty intends to perform. Such, I see, I am
LIFE OF ST. TERESAo 365
able to beg often, and with great importunity ; and tl.ough I am not particularly anxious about them, yet, methinkSj they come before me of themselves. The difference between the two ways of asking is so great, that I am unable to ex plain it. Though I ask only for one favor (and herein I urge myself to beg the favor from our Lord, though I do not feel that fervor within me, which I do in those other cases, and yet these are closely connected with my welfare) ; still, it is as if a man were tongue-tied, who, although he would fain speak, yet cannot ; and if the people speak, it is in such a way that he sees they do not understand him ; but, in the other case, it is when a person speaks to another clearly and plainly, and whom he finds very willing to hear him. Let us say also that one of these favors is begged, as if we were engaged in vocal prayer ; and the other, by a contemplation so sublime, that our Lord represents Himself in such a way, that we understand that He understands us, and that Tiis Majesty rejoices in doing us the favor which we beg of Hi in. May He always be blessed who gives so much, and to whom I give so little ! For what, 0 Lord ! does he do, who does not wholly annihilate himself for Thee? And yet, how much — how much — how much, and a thousand times more might I say, how much am I wanting in this re- spec, t ? On this account, I do not wish to live (though I have other reasons also), because I do not live according to my obligations towards Thee. How full of imperfections do I see myself ! What lukewarmness in Thy service ! Some times I really wish I had no sense, that so I might not know how much evil there is about me : may He apply the remedy who can do so !
Being in the house of a certain lady, of whom I have spoken before, it was necessary to take great care, and always to be considering the vanity of worldly things, be cause I was much esteemed and praised there ; and there were many occasions into which I might have fallen, if I had looked to myself. But I looked up to Him, who has assured me, that He would always protect me ; as I am now speak ing of having a true knowledge of things, I remember the great troubles which those persons, whom it has pleased God to endue with a knowledge of the truth, must suffer when 31*
366 LIFE OP ST. TEEESA.
forced to treat -with others about these earthly things, where so much is disguised, as our Lord Himself once told me. Many of the things which I mention here do not come from myself, but have been told me by my heavenly Master. And, because in all those things wherein I used to express myself positively in these words : " This I understand;" or, " Out Lord told me;" I find very great scruple either in adding or diminishing a syllable thereof, whenever I do not ex pressly remember every circumstance, I am accustomed always to mention that as in ruy own name. Some things, however, come from myself, though I do not remember any thing of mine, which is good in itself, because there is no such quality in me, except what our Lord has given me, without any merit on my part. I call it a thing said by me, when it does not come to my knowledge by revelation.
But, 0 my Grod ! how comes it, that even in spiritual matters, we are resolved many times to understand things just according to our own opinion, and to twist them from the true sense, as we always do with regard to the things of this world ; and we think we must cstiaiate our spiritual advancement, according to the years we have had some prac tice in prayer? It seems, also, that we wish to put a tax upon Him, who, subject to no restraint, bestows His gifts when He wills, and who can give more to one in half a year, than to another in many years. These things I have so often seen verified in many persons, that I wonder how we can have the least doubt thereof. But I firmly believe, that a man who has any talent in discerning spirits, and to whom our Lord has given true humility, will not be subject to this error. Such a person judges of things by their effects, and by the resolutions, and love produced ; and our Lord gives him light whereby he may understand it ; and by that he also discerns the proficiency and improvement of souls, and not by the number of years, because one may have obtained more in six months than another in twenty years. As I have said before, our Lord gives His favors to whom He wills ; and frequently He gives them to such as dispose themselves best to receive them. There have now come to this house certain ladies, who are very young; but, as our Lord has touched their hearts, and given them a little light
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 367
and love (and this in a very short time, wherein He is pleased to impart some pleasures to them), they do not stay and pause, nor is any difficulty able to stop them ; but they go on, without even remembering their meals ; and they shut themselves up forever in a house, without any revenue, like a person who does not value his 'life, for the love of Him, who they know loves them. They abandon all things, nor have they any will of their own ; nor do they represent to themselves, that sometimes they may, perhaps, feel unhappy through being so strictly enclosed; but all of them together offer themselves in sacrifice to God. How willingly do I allow them to get before me herein ? And how ought I to be confounded and ashamed in the presence of God, to see that what His Majesty did not accomplish in me during so many years, since I began to use mental prayer, and He be gan to bestow favors upon me, He has accomplished in them within three months ; yea, even with some of them in three days, though He bestowed upon them less favors than He did upon me ; still, His Majesty rewards them well : I am quite certain, then, that they are far from being sorry for what they have done for the love of our Lord.
For this purpose, I wish we would remember how many years it is since we made our profession, and have practiced prayer; but not with the object of disturbing those, and making them turn back, who have advanced a great deal in a short time, that so we may induce them to go our pace. This would be to make them who fly like eagles (through the favors which it has pleased God to show them) to walk no faster than a strong hen ; rather must we fix our eyes on His divine Majesty, and if we find those persons humble whom we find to be so much in advance, then we should let them have a free course ; for certainly our Lord, who shows such great favors, will never suffer them to fall headlong. They put their trust in God, and this benefit they reap from the truths which faith teaches them : and shall not we then trust them ? Must we wish to measure them by our measure, ac cording to the littleness and lowliness of our minds 1 No ! not so ; for if we cannot acquire those strong affections and resolutions (and these cannot be well understood without experience), let us humble ourselves, and not condemn them.
368 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
By seeming to look at their advancement, we shall deprive ourselves of our own, and lose the occasion our Lord gives us for our own greater humility, and for better understand ing how much we are still deficient in, and also that we may see how much more those other souls are disengaged from all earthly things than we are ; and how much more closely they are united to God than we are, since His Majesty ap proaches so near to them.
I mean nothing more, nor do I desire to be understood further, than that I had much rather have such prayer for a short time, and which is found to produce such great effects (and these are known immediately ; for it is impossible that one should be content to forsake the whole world at once, for the sole reason of pleasing God, without being impelled by the great force of love) than that which has continued for many years, and never made an end of resolving more at the last than the first to do anything for the service of God, unless it be some insignificant little things no bigger than a grain of salt, which lias neither weight nor bulk, except what a bird might carry in its bill. Let us not look upon it as any notable effect or mortification when we make great account of doing some things for the love of our Lord, which it is a pity we should value at such a rate, however many such acts we may perform. I am myself one of these persons, and I continually forget the favors of God. I say not but that His Majesty will put some value on these little things, for He is good : but I do not wish to make any account of them, nor so much as see that I do them, since they are nothing. But pardon me, 0 Lord ! and blame me not ; for I must con sole myself with something, since I serve Thee in nothing : for if I really did serve Thee in great things, I would make no account of these nothings. Happy are they who do Thee service by their noble actions ! If by envying thorn, and desiring to do the like, might be accepted by Thee as for payment of what I owe, I should not be very far behind in pleasing Thee. But, 0 my Lord ! I am good for nothing : give me some value, since Thou lovest me so much.
There lately came a brief from Rome, ordering that this monastery should be incapable of having revenue. This circumstance completed everything : and though it cost me
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 369
some trouble to accomplish this object, yet it gave me great consolation to see things thus settled. Reflecting upon the difficulties I had met with, and praising our Lord for being pleased to have made use of me, I began to look back upon what had happened ; and it is very true, that in every one of those particulars wherein there might be any appearance that I had contributed, I found many faults and imperfec tions, and sometimes little courage, and oftentimes little faith. Up to this time, when I see everything accomplished which our Lord told me should be done concerning this house, I never did come t'o any fixed belief that this would be the case, though yet I could not doubt it in the least : neither did I know how all this could be ; but often it seemed impos sible on one side, and yet it could not be doubted on the other. I mean, one could not help believing that the under taking would not be accomplished. In a word, I found that our Lord himself did all the good which was done, and I all the evil ; and so I gave over thinking about it, and would not call it to my remembrance, lest I might stumble on my numerous faults. Blessed be He who when He pleaseth draws good from them all. Amen.
I say, then, that it is a dangerous thing to go measuring the years during which we have practiced prayer : for al though there may be humility, yet there may also be some thing else, — an opinion that we had deserved some favor for our pains. I do not deny but that these years have acquired some merit for us, and so we shall be well paid for them : but if any spiritual person shall think, that for the many years in which he has practiced prayer he deserves these great favors, I consider it certain he will never have them. It is not enough that he has been protected by God from committing such sins as he fell into before he gave himself to prayer, but now he must needs sue His Majesty for His own money, as the saying is. This does not seem to me pro found humility, but yet it may be so : but I think it rather a boldness, since I who have such little humility never dare presume so far. But as I never did God any service, I beg ged no such favor from Him ; whereas, if I had done any, I should have desired (more than any other) of our Lord, that I might be rewarded for my pains. I do not say but that a
370 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
soul may go on increasing by this means, and that God will make her amends, if her prayer has been humble. But we should not call to mind those years ; for whatever we are able to do is all mean and vile in comparison with the least drop of that blood which our Lord shed for us. And if the more we serve the more we become His debtors, how strange that we should begin asking for recompenses, since if we pay a farthing of the old debt, He returns us a thousand ducats for it. For the love of God, let us leave these judgments which belong to Him. These comparisons are always bad, even in things of this world : and what will they be in that which God only knows ? His Majesty gave a good example of this, when He paid the last as much as the first (in the parable of the Gospel).
I* have written these three leaves at so many different times during several days (for I had,"and have still, as I said, so little leisure), that I forgot what I was beginning to say about this vision ; and it i.s this : — Being one day in prayer, I saw in a great field, where I was by myself, people of dif ferent kind around me : it seemed to mo that every one of them had arms in his hands to injure me : some had lances, some swords, some daggers, and others very long tucks.f In a word, I found I could not get out of this place in any direction without exposing myself to death, especially as I was alone, and had no one to take my part. Being in such great affliction of spirit that I knew not what to do, I lifted up my eyes and saw Christ our Lord, — not in heaven, but very high above me in the air ; and lie stretched forth His hand to me, and favored me in such a manner from that time, that I neither feared all the other people, nor were they able to do me any harm, even if they wished. This vision seemed at first to be without any fruit, but it has since done me a great deal of good, because I have come to under stand what it meant. For shortly after, I found myself placed in almost a similar engagement, and I knew this vis ion was quite a figure and representation of the world. For all that is in it seems to carry with it weapons to injure our
* The Saint here resumes the thread of her discourse, •f " Est
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 371
poor soul, — as honors, riches, and pleasures, &c. It is clear that the soul gets caught in a net before she is aware ; at least, all these things do their best to ensnare us : nay, friends, kindred, and (what amazes me more) even persons who are very virtuous. Afterwards I found myself so tied by them (they thinking in the meantime no harm was done by them), that I knew not how to defend myself, or what to do. 0 my God ! if I could relate all the various kind of troubles which I endured at this time, even after I had suffered what I have mentioned before, this would be sufficient to make one utterly abhor everything here below ; for it was, I think, the great est persecution that ever I had to endure. I sometimes found myself so straitened on all sides, that I only found a remedy in lifting up my eyes to heaven, and calling upon God. I remembered very well what I had seen in this vis ion ; and it did me a great deal of good, towards making me riot put confidence in any one ; for no one is firm and stable but God. In all these great afflictions which God sent me, He always provided some person or other who might assist me, in His name, as He assured He would, and as He showed me in this last vision, without attaching myself to anything, but wishing only to please Him : and this has been sufficient to support the poor little degree of virtue I had in desiring to serve Him. I5e Thou blessed forever !
Being once very unquiet and troubled, so as not to be able to recollect myself; and, moreover, being engaged in a battle and conflict, with my thoughts roving upon things not very perfect, and not seeming to myself to be so perfectly untied from all things as I used to be, when I saw myself so wicked, I began to be afraid lest the favors which our Lord had shown me might be illusions, and I remained in very great obscurity. While I was in this affliction, our Lord began to speak to me, and bade me " not to be thus disqui eted, but as I found myself in my present state, I should thereby understand how great a misery I should be in if once He should depart from me ; and that there was no security as long as we lived in this flesh of ours." I was abo given to understand how well our labor was employed in this conflict and war, since these combats would merit so great a reward. Our Lord likewise seemed to pity those who lived in the
372 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
world, adding, "that I must not think He had forgotten me: that He would never leave me, but yet that I must still do my part." These words He spoke with great tenderness and affection : and many other words also His Majesty often addressed to me, showing great favor, and which I need not here relate. These He often spoke with great love : " Thou shalt be mine, and I will be thine." And the words which I am always accustomed to say (and in my opinion I say them with sincerity), are these: "What do I care, 0 Lord, for myself, but only for Thee."
But these words and favors of His give me excessive con fusion, when I remember what I am. Hence it seems (as I think I have often said, and sometimes say still to my con fessor) there is more need of courage for receiving these high favors, than for enduring even the greatest afflictions. When this happens, I almost forget my good works, and then I remember how wicked I am, without any discourse of the understanding. This also seems sometimes to be super natural.
Sometimes there came upon me such strong desires of re ceiving the most Blessed Sacrament, that I knew not how to express them properly. It happened one morning to rain so heavily, that it did not seom fit for me to go out of doors : however, when I was out, I was so far transported with this desire, that even though spears were set against my breast, inethought I could have passed through them all : and how much more through water ! As soon as I entered the church I was seized with a great rapture. It seemed as if the heavens were opened, and I saw there a throne which had been represented to me before, as I have told your Reve rence, and above that another throne, upon which I under stood (in a way I cannot express) that the Almighty rested, though I saw Him not. This throne seemed to be supported by certain animals, and I considered whether they might not be the Evangelists. But I neither saw how the throne was placed, nor who was sitting upon it, but only a very great multitude of angels were around it. These appeared to be much more beautiful than those others I had formerly seen in heaven. I have been thinking whether they were Cheru bim or Seraphim, for they were very different from others in
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 373
glory, and they seemed to be all on fire. The glory which I then felt in myself can neither be written nor described, nor is any one able to conceive it, but only such as have been made partakers of it. I understand that whatever can possibly be desired was there united, and yet I saw nothing. They told me (though I know not who), that what I could do there was to understand that I could understand nothing, but that I might see the nothingness of all things in com parison with that. And it is true ; my soul was afterwards confounded to observe that she was able to rest at all on anything created, and how much more to be affected by it, for everything seemed to me no more than an ant-liill. 1 communicated, and remained during the whole of the mass, though I knew not how it could be so. The time seemed to me to have been very short ; and I wondered when the clock struck to find that I had been in the rapture for two hours.
After this I was amazed to see how by approaching to this fire, which seemed to come from above, out of the true love of God, the old man of defects, and lukewarmness, and misery, seems to be consumed (for however much I desired and endeavored to procure it, though I was willing to anni hilate myself for the purpose); yet it was not in my power to get the least spark thereof, but only when His Majesty is pleased to give it. As I have read of the phoenix, out of whose ashes when she is burnt another springs up, just so does a soul become quite another creature, with desires wholly different, and with a courage so great, that she seems not to be what she was before, but begins to walk with a new kind of purity in the way of our Lord. As I was be seeching His Majesty that this might prove to be so in my case, and that I might begin afresh to serve Him, He thus spoke to me : — " Thou hast made a good comparison : see that thou forget not to endeavor always to be improving Thyself."
feeing once in the same doubt, of which I have spoken above, whether these visions came from God, our Lord ap peared to me, and uttered these words with seventy : — " O ye sons of men, how long will ye be dull of heart ?" He wished me to examine myself well on this point : whether I 32
374 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
had wholly given up myself to Him or no ; and that if I had given myself up and were His, I should believe lie would not suffer me to perish. I was greatly afflicted when He uttered that exclamation ; but He turned to me with much tenderness and affection, and told me, " that I must not afflict myself: that He knew well I would not fail to apply myself entirely to His service, and that He also would do what I desired." He was then pleased to bestow the par ticular favor I was begging of Him, saying, " that I should consider the love which was daily increasing in me, for thereby I might perceive that the devil had no part in it, and that I must not think God would consent that the devil should have so much power over the souls of His servants as to be able to give me such a clearness of understanding, together with such a repose of mind as I possessed." He also made me understand, that since so many persons had told me " that these visions came from God, I should do wrong if I did not believe them."
As I was once reciting the Creed of St. Athanasius, " Quicumque vult," I was given to understand the manner how there was only one God in three Persons, and this in so clear a way that I was both comforted and amazed ex ceedingly. This did me a very great deal of good for in creasing my knowledge concerning the greatness of God and His wonders. And now when I think or speak of the most Holy Trinity, it seems as if I knew something of the mys tery : and this gives me great pleasure.
On the feast of the Assumption of the Queen of Angels, our Blessed Lady, our Lord was pleased to do me this favor in a rapture : to represent to me her Assumption into heaven, together with the joy and solemnity with which she was re ceived, and also the place she holds. I cannot describe what kind of a vision this was. The glory which my soul had, to see that hers is so great, was extreme; and I felt great effects and improvement from such a sight, and desired to suffer still greater afflictions here. It also increased my desire to serve our Lady, seeing that her merit was so great.
Being one day in a college of the Society of Jesus, and the Fathers of that house then receiving the most Blessed
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 375
Sacrament, I saw a very rich canopy over their heads ; and this two several times : when other persons communicated I did not see it.