CHAPTER XXXVIII.

THE SAINT MENTIONS SOME GREAT FAVORS WHICH OUR LORD WAS PLEASED TO SHOW HER, IN ACQUAINTING HER WITH CERTAIN SECRETS OF HEAVEN, AND BY GIVING HER VISIONS AND REVELA TIONS, ETC.
BEING so very ill one night, that I thought I might excuse myself from prayer, I took my rosary to employ myself vocally, not taking any pains to recollect my understanding, though as to my exterior I was sufficiently recollected, being :n an oratory. But when our Lord wishes, all our endea vors serve but to little purpose ; for after I had been praying a little in this way, there suddenly came upon me a rapture of the Spirit, with so great impetuosity that there was no power in me to resist it. I seemed to be placed in heaven, and the first persons whom I saw there were my father and mother ; and I also saw some other things so very wonder ful, and in so very short a time (as long only as one would say Ave Maria), that I was amazed, thinking it was too great a favor for me. With regard to the time being so very short, I may perhaps be deceived, for it may have been longer, but it seemed to me at least to be very short. I was afraid of an illusion ; but yet to me it seemed none. I knew not what to do, for I was quite ashamed to go with the account to my confessor ; not through humility, as I thought, but because I fancied he would make a jest of it, and say, " what a St.
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Paul, or a St. Jerome this woman has become, to see such heavenly things !" And because these glorious saints had such visions as these, it made me so much the more fearful of myself, so that I did nothing but weep bitterly, because I thought there was no probability that such favors should be shown to me. However, I went to my confessor, notwith standing all my repugnance ; for though it was painful for me to mention these things, yet I never dared to conceal anything from him, on account of the great fear I had of being deceived and deluded. When he saw me in such great affliction, he comforted me very kindly, and told me many consoling things to free me from the trouble I was in.
It has happened to me several times since, that our Lord has shown me still greater secrets : there is no means, how ever, of the soul being able to see more than our Lord is pleased to represent to her, nor is it possible ; and hence I never saw more than our Lord was pleased to show me at each time : but this was so very much, that the least part of it was sufficient to make me quite amazed, and to improve my soul very much, and help her to undervalue and despise all the things of this life. 1 wish I knew how to explain the least part of that which I saw represented ; but when I am thinking how to do it, I find it impossible. For though the light which we see here, and that which is represented there, be all light, yet there is so great a difference that there is no comparison ;. for the brightness of the sun itself is very obscure when compared with that brightness. In a word, the imagination of man, however subtle it may be, cannot paint or describe this kind of light, nor any other of those things which our Lord gave me to understand, and this with such excessive delight as cannot be expressed ; for all the senses enjoy such a superior degree of sweetness that cannot be comprehended, and therefore I think it best to say no more about it.
I was once for more than an hour in this state, when our Lord showed me wonderful things ; and appearing not to be far from me, He said, " See, daughter, what they lose who are against Me : do not fail to tell them of it." But, 0 my Lord, what good will my telling them do, since their own evil actions have blinded them, if Thy Majesty do not give oU
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them light ? Some there are to whom Thou hast given it-, and they have profited much by the knowledge of Thy great nesses : but, 0 my Lord, they see them given to such a wretched and wicked creature, that I wonder I find any one to believe me. Blessed be Thy name and Thy mercy ! For I, at least, have seen an evident amendment in my own soul from these things : how glad I should have been afterwards, if I might still have remained in that state, and not come back to live here again, for the contempt in which I held the whole world was very great, and it seemed to be no better than dung to me : and now I see how meanly we are em ployed who are detained here.
While I remained in the house of this lady (Louisa de la Cerda), whom I have already mentioned, it once happened to me, when I was ill with a violent pain in my heart, that look ing on me with great compassion, she one day commanded certain jewels of hers to be brought forth, which were of great value ; and one in particular, of diamonds, which she prized at a great price. She thought that the sight of them would delight and revive me. But I smiled at her within myself, and was grieved to see what mean things men esteem, when I considered what our Lord has laid up for us ; and I thought how impossible a thing it would be for me to put any value on such toys as these, though I should endeavor to do so, unless our Lord should first take away the memory of other things. This kind of favor gives the soul so great a dominion, that I know not whether it can possibly be un derstood by any other person but such as possess it, because it is a proper and natural disengagement of the soul from all created objects ; and this comes without any labor on her part. God does everything ; for His Majesty shows us these truths, and this in such a manner that they remain so im printed on the soul, as to make us clearly see that it was not possible for us to acquire them, especially in so short a time, by any exertions of our own.
I also came to have very little fear of death, of which formerly I had great dread ; but now it seems a very easy thing for such as apply themselves to the service of God ; for in a moment the soul sees herself freed out of this prison, and placed in repose. The way by which God carries the
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soul up, in these raptures, to show her such wonderful things, seems to bear a very close resemblance with the passage of a soul out of the body at the hour of death, since in a moment she beholds herself possessed of all this good. I omit here the consideration of those pains felt when the soul is borne out of the body, for we should make little account of this : and they who love God in good earnest, and have bid adieu to all the pleasures of this life, are wont to die with more sweetness and resignation.
It also seems to me, that these favors did me much good towards making me know my true country, and being con vinced that we are only pilgrims here below : it is very neces sary to consider what passes there above, and to know where we are to live forever ; for when one goes to live for good and all in a country, it is a great help towards enduring all the troubles of the journey, to know that it is the land where we shall enjoy very great repose. It also enables us to con sider heavenly things, and to endeavor that our conversation may be in heaven : this is done with ease. It is likewise a great gain, because merely looking up to heaven recollects the soul ; for as our Lord is pleased to show her some glimpse of that which is there, she is thereby induced to pause and meditate upon it. And sometimes it happens, that they who I know are living there are the only companions I choose to comfort myself with, — these being the persons who seem truly alive ; and those others who live here on earth appear to be so very dead, that this world affords no com pany at all to me, especially when I have those great impulses. All seems to me but a dream, and what I see with my eyes looks like a jest. But that which I have already seen with the eyes of my soul is the very thing she desires ; and because she sees herself to be yet far off from it, this is death to her. In a word, the favor is exceedingly great which our Lord grants to that soul to whom He gives such visions as these ; for they help her much in all things, and especially in bearing a heavy cross, because nothing satisfies her now, but everything disgusts her ; and if our Lord did not permit one to forget it sometimes (though yet we remem ber it again afterwards), I know not how one could live. May He be blessed and praised forever ! I beseech His
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Majesty, by the blood His Son shed for me, that since He has vouchsafed I should understand some part of these great benefits, and in some measure to begin enjoying them also, it may not happen to me as it did to Lucifer, who lost all by his own fault. Do not permit this, 0 my Lord ! I beseech Thee by what Thou art ; for it is no small fear which I have sometimes (though at other times, and even very generally, the mercy of God gives me security), that since He has been pleased to deliver me from so many sins, He will not forsake me now, so as to let me be lost. This I beg of your Reve rence, that you will always pray for me. But, in my opinion, the favors which I have already mentioned were not so great as that which I will now relate, for many reasons ; particu larly for the great courage and strength which have remained in my soul on that account, although if each of the other favors be considered in itself, it is so great that nothing else can be compared with it.
One day, after mass, it being the vigil of Pentecost, I went to a very retired place, where I often used to pray ; and I began to read in a certain book, written Ly a Carthu sian on this festival ; and I found there those signs by which they who are beginners, or proficients, or perfect, may under stand whether the Holy Spirit is with them or no. Reading what was said there of these three states, it seemed to me that God, through His goodness, was in this manner present with me, as far as I could understand. And while I was praising Him for this blessing, I called to mind that when I had read the same thing formerly, I stood much in need of my present state ; and thus I came to know how much I was indebted to our Lord for the great favor He had bestowed upon me. I began also to consider the place I had deserved in hell for my sins, and I gave great praises to God, because I found my soul, as I thought, so extremely changed, that I could hardly know her. Being fixed in this consideration, there came a great impetuosity upon me, without my knowing the occasion of it. It seemed as if my soul were endeavor ing to get out of my body, for now she could not possibly contain herself, nor could she find herself capable of remain ing any longer in the expectation of so great a good. This was so wonderful an impulse, that I could not tell what to
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do with myself; and it was very different, in my opinion, from those which I have had at other times ; nor did I know what was the matter with my soul, nor would I admit she was so much altered. I leaned myself on one side, not being able to sit upright, for I found my natural strength began to fail me. When in this state I saw a dove above my head, very different from the doves of this world, for it had not the like feathers, but the wings seemed to be composed of certain little shells, which darted forth a wonderful splendor. The dove was much larger than any ordinary one ; and I thought I heard a noise which it made with its wings, for it was hovering over me about the space of an Ave Maria. My soul was then in such a state, that, losing herself in an ecstasy, she also lost sight of the dove. By entertaining so sweet a guest, my soul became quiet, though so wonderful a favor might well have disturbed and affrighted her : but as she already began to enjoy, all fear soon vanished, and with joy began the quiet, she remaining in a rapture. The glory of this rapture was extremely great. I remained during the greater part of Whitsuntide so stunned and transported that I knew not what to do with myself, nor how to contain within me so great a grace and favor : I neither heard nor saw (so to speak), on account of my great interior joy. From that day my soul has found a very great improvement, as she enjoys a more sublime love of God, and stronger virtues, than she did before. May our Lord be praised and blessed forever ! Amen.
Another time, I saw the same dove over the head of a Dominican Father : only I thought that both the beams and the brightness of the wings extended themselves much fur ther. I was then given to understand that he was to win souls to God.
Another time I saw our Blessed Lady putting a very white garment on a Professor of Divinity belonging to the same Order, of whom I have often spoken. She told me, that for the service he had done her, in helping to erect this house, she gave him that mantle, as a sign that his soul should be preserved for the future in purity, and that he should not fall into mortal sin. I am confident it proved so ; for he' died within a few years after, and his life and 30*
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death were attended with such penance and sanctity, that there can remain no doubt of his salvation, as far as we are able to judge. A friar, who was present at his death, assured me, that before he expired he told him how St. Thomas had been with him. He died with great joy, and with a desire to be free from this banishment. Since then he has sometimes appeared to me in very great glory, and told me many things. He was so given to prayer, that when before he died he wished to omit it, on account of his great weakness, he was not able to do so, for he had many raptures.
He wrote to me a little before he died, asking me what means he had best employ, because as soon as he used to finish mass, he fell into raptures, which would last long, without his being able to help himself. God at last gave him a reward for the great services he had done for Him during his whole life. Of the rector of the Society of Jesus, whom I have mentioned before, I have seen some things con cerning the great favors our Lord bestowed upon him : but I will not mention them here, for fear of being too long. A severe affliction happened to him once, by being unjustly persecuted, at which he was greatly afflicted. As I was hearing mass one day, I saw Christ on the cross, when the priest elevated the Host. He spoke certain words to me, which I was commanded to tell him for his comfort ; and others to put him on his guard against something that was to happen ; and to represent to him how much our Lord had endured for his sake, and that he should prepare himself to suffer. These words gave him great strength and courage, and all happened to him just as our Lord had foretold.
I have seen wonderful things relating to the religious of a certain Order,* and of the whole Order together. I have sometimes seen them in heaven, with white banners in their hands, and many other things, as I have said, very admira ble. Accordingly, for this Order, I have a great veneration, for I have often had communication with them, and I see that their life is conformable to what our Lord gave me to understand regarding them.
Being one night in prayer, our Lord began to utter some
* The Society of Jesus.
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words to me, by which He brought to my remembrance how wicked my life had been. These words gave me both pain and confusion ; for though they were not spoken with any severity, yet they caused within rue such tender feelings of sorrow and grief as quite to dissolve me. We find more help towards the knowledge of ourselves by only one of these words, than we should be able to acquire in many days by considering our own misery : for it so engraves the truth in the soul, that we cannot possibly deny it. He represented to me those inclinations of mine, which I had formerly en tertained with so much vanity ; and He told me that I was to set a great value upon the desires I had, that He would abide in me — desires which formerly I had directed to such evil objects. At other times, He bade me remember how formerly I had considered it as a point of honor to go against His honor ; and at other times, that I should remember how much I owed Him, since when I was committing the greatest offences against Him, He used to be doing me favors. If I have any faults (which are not lew), our Lord then makes me understand them so well, that I am, as it were, ready to annihilate myself; and because I have many faults, this happens very often. It happened that my confessor repre hended me, and when I thought to find consolation in prayer, it was there that I found real blame.
But to return to what I was saying. When our Lord began to bring my wicked life to my remembrance, which cost me so much tears, and when 1 considered that then I had done no good, as I thought, I began to think within myself, whether He might not wish to bestow some new favor upon me : because whenever I have received any par ticular favor from our Lord, it has generally been after I had annihilated myself in this way. And our Lord acts thus with me, that I may see the more clearly how far I am from deserving these favors. A short time after, my soul was so absorbed that it seemed to be almost out of my body : at least, it could not be perceived that I lived in it. Then I saw the most sacred Humanity of our Lord, in more ex cessive glory than ever I had seen it before. This was re presented to me by a certain admirable and'clear notice of Hia being placed in the bosom of His Father ; and yet I
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know not how to explain it : for it soemed to me, that with out seeing, I saw myself present before the Divinity. I re mained so amazed, in such a manner, that I think some days passed before I returned to myself: but I always thought that I had the majesty of the Son of God present to me, though not like the former. This I understood very well ; but the sight remains so engraven on my imagination, that I cannot free myself from it (though it was represented in so short a time) for some time. It is, however, both a comfort and a great benefit to my soul.
I have seen this vision three other times ; and this, in my opinion, is the most sublime vision which our Lord ever granted me the favor to see ; and it brings with it the great est benefits. It seems that the soul is greatly purified by it, and it takes all strength away from our sensuality. It is a vehement flame, which seems to burn up, and even perfectly to consume all the desires of this life ;, for though (glory be to God for it) I had before no inclinations to vain objects, it was here declared to me, in a very distinct manner, that all was vanity ; and, in particular, how vain were all the titles and grandeurs of this world. It also gives us great informa tion how to raise up our desires to the pure truth. A reve rence for God remains so imprinted on the soul, in such a way that I know not how to describe it : it is very different from whatever we can acquire in this world. It also pro duces a strange amazement in the soul, to consider how she, or how any creature can presume so far as to dare offend such an exceeding great Majesty.
Sometimes I have mentioned the effects of these visions, and that a soul receives sometimes more, sometimes less, profit from them ; but from this vision the profit was won derfully great. After I used to communicate, and when I remembered the incomparable Majesty which I had seen, and which I saw was the very same that is in the most Holy Sacrament (and sometimes our Lord is pleased to let me see Him in the Sacred Host), the very bair of my head stood quite on end, and I thought I was wholly annihilated. 0 my Lord ! if Thou didst not hide Thy greatness, who dare presume to approach so often as we do, so filthy and mise rable a creature, to so great a Majesty ? Blessed be Thou,
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0 Lord ! May the angels and all creatures praise Thee, who dost so measure things according to our weakness, in order that, enjoying such wonderful favors, Thy immense power may not terrify us, being so weak and miserable.
It might happen to us, as it once did to a laboring man (and this fact I know to be correct), who found a treasure, which being greater than his mind, caused him to fall into sadness when ho saw himself possessed of the treasure ; hence by little and little he came to die through mere care and affliction, not knowing what to do with his treasure. Whereas, if he had not found it altogether, but some one had given it to him by degrees, and had thus supported him, he would have lived more contentedly than when he was poor, and it would not have cost him his life. 0 riches of the poor '. how admirably do you know how to sustain souls ! How careful are you, without letting them see too much at once, to show them great treasures by little and little ! When I see so great a Majesty concealed in so small a thing as the Sacred Host (and so it is), I am in admiration at such great wisdom, and I know not how our Lord gives me courage and strength to approach Him, did not He who hath bestowed and still bestows such great favors upon me fortify me also herein : and it is not possible to dissemble the matter any longer, or cease to proclaim aloud such great wonders. What sentiments, then, ought so miserable a crea ture, and so laden with abominations, as I am, and who have spent my life with such little fear of God — what sentiments ought she to have, when she sees herself approach to a Lord of such great majesty, because He is pleased that my soul should behold Him ? How shall this mouth of mine, which has uttered so many words against this same Lord, presume to touch that most glorious body, so full of purity and sanc tity ? The love which that countenance of such great beauty, tenderness, and affability, discovers to us, does more afflict and wound the soul for not having served Him, than do that fear and terror which are inspired by the majesty she beholds in Him. But what should be my feelings, after having seen on two occasions that of which I will now speak ?
1 am really about to say, 0 my Lord and my Glory ! that I have in some way done Thee a little service, by the great
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afflictions which my soui has experienced in herself. Alas ! I hardly know what I say ; for I am now writing, though I scarcely am able to speak, because I find myself troubled, and almost out of myself, when I bring these things to my remembrance. If this thought came from myself, I might seem to have some reason for what I say, that I had done something for Thee, 0 my God ! But since I cannot have so much if Thou do not impart it to me, there is nothing which I can attribute to myself. 1 am therefore Thy debtor, 0 Lord! and Thou art the party offended.
Going one day to receive the Blessed Sacrament, I saw two devils, with the eyes of my soul, more clearly than if I had seen them with the eyes of my body : they had a most horrible appearance, and seemed with their horns to encom pass the neck of the poor priest. I also saw our Lord, with that majesty (of which I have already spoken), placed in the sinful hands of the priest, in the Host which he was about to give me, for I understood that soul to be then in the state of mortal sin. What a sight must it have been to behold Thy beauty, 0 Lord ! in the midst of such horrible figures ! These devils were so confounded and terrified by Thy pre sence, that they would willingly have gone from thence, if they could have obtained Thy leave. This sight gave me such great affliction, that I was scarce able to communicate ; and I was in great fear, thinking that if it had been a vision from God, His Majesty would not, at such a time, have allowed me to see it ; but it was permitted, that I might un derstand what power the words of consecration have, since God would not be kept away, however wicked the priest might be who pronounced them. Our Lord himself told me to pray for him, and that He allowed me to behold this vis ion, that I might see His wonderful goodness, in not forbear ing to put Himself Into the hands even of His enemy, and this for the good both of me and of all men. I understood then very clearly, how priests are bound to be much more virtuous than other men, and how terrible a crime it is to receive the most Blessed Sacrament unworthily, and how absolutely the devil has possession of a soul in mortal sin. This vision did me a great deal of good, and gave me a very
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deep knowledge of what I owed to God. May He be blessed forever and ever !
On another occasion there happened to me something else, which amazed me extremely. I was in a certain place where a person died, who had lived very badly for many years, but for the last two years had been sick, and in some things seemed to be reformed. This man died without confession ; but still I did not think he would be condemned. "While, however, his friends were preparing the body for burial, I saw several devils take the corpse, and they seemed to be sporting with it, and practicing many cruelties upon it, which struck me with great terror, for they tore it with certain sharp hooks, and tossed it from one to the other. \Vhen afterwards I saw him taken to be buried, with the usual pomp and ceremonies, I considered the goodness of God in not permitting the soul even of that man to be defamed, but in so permitting it to be concealed that he was His enemy. During all the time of the office for the dead I did not see any devil ; but, when afterwards they put the body into the grave, there stood such a multitude of them within, that I was utterly amazed to behold them, and I had need of great courage to conceal my emotions. I considered how those devils would treat tljat soul, when they exercised such tyranny over the poor body. Would to God that this dreadful spec tacle which I saw, could have been seen also by those who are in mortal sin, for I think it would be a powerful motive to induce them to amend their lives. All this obliges me to know the more what I owe to Gad, and from what He has delivered me. I had great fears till I mentioned these things to my confessor, thinking the vision might, perhaps, be some illusion of the devil to defame that soul, though the man was not considered to be a very good Christian. However, the truth is, that whether it were an illusion or no, I am always frightened when I remember it.
And now, since I have begun to speak of visions which relate to the dead, I will also mention some other things con-> cerning souls which our Lord has been pleased that I should see. But I will speak only of a few, for the sake of brevity, and because it is not necessary in the way of receiving any benefit. News was brought to me of the death of on
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had been Provincial here ; but when he died he was the Pro vincial of another province. I had transacted a great deal of business with him, and had also been indebted to him for some good offices which he had done me : he was a virtuous person. When I heard that he was dead, I was greatly troubled thereat, because I was afraid for his salvation, inas much as he had been superior for twenty years, — a responsi bility I dread much, because it is very dangerous to have the care of souls. I went therefore in great trouble to an ora tory to pray for his soul. I gave him all that good which I had ever done in my whole life, which was little enough ; and I besought our Lord, that His merits might supply for what that soul wanted in order to deliver her from purgatory. While I was begging this favor from our Lord in the best manner I could, he seemed to rise up from some deep part of the earth, on my right side, and so I saw him ascend to heaven with very great joy. He was very old before he died ; but he now seemed to be about the age of thirty, or rather somewhat less, and his face shone very brightly. This vision passed away very speedily, but yet I was so much comforted by it, that his death gave me now no more grief, though many others were troubled about him, for he was much be loved. The comfort my soul experienced was so great, that I had no care about anything else, and I could not possibly doubt but that the vision was true ; that is, no delusion. This happened but fifteen days after his death ; but still I "was not negligent in procuring prayers to be offered up for him to God, and in praying for him myself, except that I could not do this so willingly, had I not seen this vision ; for when our Lord shows me a soul in this state, and I afterwards wish to recommend it to His Majesty, I cannot help thinking that it is as if I gave an alms to a rich man ; but learnt after wards (for the man died at a great distance), that the death which our Lord granted to him was so edifying, that all were astonished at the self-knowledge, contrition, and humility with which he departed.
A nun died in our house about a day and a half before this occurred, whereof I am going to speak : she had been a great servant of God ; and while we were reciting for her soul the office of the dead in the choir, where I stood by and
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assisted in reciting the verse, I thought in the middle of the lesson, that her soul rose from the same side as the other did, and so went to heaven. This was no imaginary vision like the last; but like others which I have mentioned before ; yet these are no less certain than those others which are seen.
Another nun, between eighteen and twenty years of age, died in the same house. She had always been infirm, and a great servant of God, and very diligent in the choir. I thought for certain that she would not have gone to purga tory, on account of the long sickness she had endured, but rather that there would have been supernumerary merits. But while we were reciting the office, about four hours after she died, I perceived that her soul rose out of the same place, and went to heaven. Being one day in a church of the Society of Jesus, oppressed with those great afflictions and troubles, of which I have spoken sometimes, and which I still have both in soul and body, I found myself in such a condi tion, that I thought I was not able so much as to entertain one good thought. That night a father of the Society had died in the same house, and mass was then being offered for the repose of his soul. While I was recommending him to God as well as I was able, I fell into a very great rapture, and I saw him ascending into heaven in great glory, our Lord himself accompanying him by a particular favor.
Another friar of our Order, a very good man, was very dangerously ill ; and I being then at mass, fell into recollec tion, and saw him departing out of this world, and going immediately to heaven, without entering purgatory at all ; and he died, as I was told afterwards, at the very hour that I saw him. I wondered that he had escaped purgatory ; but was given to understand, that as he was a religious, and had carefully observed the vows of his profession, the Bulls of indulgence granted in favor of the Order, had availed him towards his exemption from purgatory. This, I suppose, was signified to me, as implying, that more is required to make a religious than merely wearing the habit.
I will relate no more of these things, because (as I have
said) there is no necessity for it, though our Lord has done
me the favor to show me very many. But among all the
eouls which I have seen, I did not understand that any one
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escaped going to purgatory, but only this last Father, and that holy man, Peter of Alcantara, and another holy man, of the Order of St. Dominic (Peter Ibanez). Our Lord has also been p*leased to let me see the several degrees of glory to which they have been raised, the places being represented to ine wherein they are : there is a great difference between Borne and others.