CHAPTER XXXVII.

THE SAINT MENTIONS THE GREAT BENEFIT SHE RECEIVED FROM OTHER HEAVENLY FAVORS. MANY PARTICULARS ARE GIVEN RE SPECTING HER ECSTASIES AND REVELATIONS.
I AM unwilling to mention any more of those favors which our Lord had bestowed upon me ; since those which I have already related are too numerous, that they should be thought to have been shown to so wicked a creature. But yet, to obey our Lord who has commanded it, and your Reverence also who expects it, I will mention some more things here, for His greater glory. May His Majesty grant that it may serve for the profit of some soul to see, since our Lord has vouchsafed so highly to favor such a wretched creature as I am, how much more He will do for such as serve His Majesty in good earnest ; and that every one may be encouraged thereby to please His Majesty, since even in this life He grants us such earnest pledges.
But here it is to be observed, that in these favors which God bestows on a soul, there is sometimes more, sometimes less glory ; for the glory, joy, and consolation which He imparts, are so much greater in some visions than in others, that I was quite amazed to find so great a difference of en joying, even in this life. And sometimes our Lord is pleased, in one vision or rapture, to give so much that it seems im possible to desire anything beyond it in this life ; nor does the soul desire more, nor would she wish for more joy and pleasure. Since our Lord has been pleased to show me how great the difference is in heaven between the glory en joyed by some, and that which is enjoyed by others, I see very clearly that even here also there are no limits set in giving, when our Lord pleases ; and so I could likewise wish that there were no limits set in my serving His Majesty, and employing my whole life, strength, and health in this way ; I would not lose, through any fault of mine, the least de gree of further enjoyment. I even go so far as to declare, that if the choice were offered to me, whether I would rather remain subject to all the afflictions of the woxld, even to tho 29*
842 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
end of it, and then ascend by that means to the possession of a little more glory in heaven ; or else, without any afflic tion at all, enjoy a little less glory, I would u.ost willingly accept of all those troubles and afflictions for a little more enjoyment, that so I might also understand more of the greatness of God, because I see that he who understands more of Him, loves and praises Him so much the more. I say not but that I should be contented, and should esteem myself very happy to be in heaven, though it were but in the lowest place, for our Lord would thereby show abundance of mercy to me, who had been condemned to so horrible a place in hell ; I beseech His Majesty that I may go to heaven, and that He will not consider my great sins. What I say is this ; that " if our Lord would give me grace to labor much for Him, and if I were able to do it, I would not on any account, however much it cost me, forego the gain of any degree of glory, through my own fault." Miserable creature that I am, who had once lost all by my numerous offences.
It is also to be remarked, that in every favor of a vision or revelation which our Lord bestowed upon me, my soul received some great gain ; and in some visions the gain was very great indeed ; for, by seeing Christ our Lord, His ad mirable and inexpressible beauty has remained imprinted on my mind, and I remember it to this day ; for, in- this case, only once would have been sufficient, how much more so very many times in which our Lord vouchsafed to impart this favor to me. From this sight I also derived another con siderable advantage. I was formerly subject to a very great fault, by which much hurt came to my soul, and it was this : whenever I began to observe that any person had a liking for me, and was agreeable to me, I began to have so much affection for him, that my memory would bind me in a man ner to be still thinking of him, though yet without any in tention at all of offending God ; but I would be very glad to see him and to remember him, and consider the good qualities which I found in him ; but this was so prejudicial that it did my soul a great deal of harm. But when once I beheld the great beauty of our Lord, I saw none afterwards which oould bear comparison with it, nor which was able to
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 343
occupy my thoughts ; for, hy casting my eyes upon the image of Him who is engraven in my mind, I remained with so much liberty in this respect, that everything which I have seen since this has become loathsome to me, in comparison with the excellencies and graces which I discovered in our Lord ; nor is there any knowledge, or any kind of pleasure, on which I set a value, in comparison with that which comes by hearing only one single word which proceeds from His divine mouth ; how much more so many as I have heard ! I consider it impossible, unless our Lord should permit it for my sins, that the remembrance of this should entirely leave me, and that any creature should ever so far possess my mind as that I should not instantly be free, by recurring a little to the remembrance of this, my Lord. It happened sometimes with some of my confessors (for I always love those who direct my soul, because I consider they hold the place of God, and me thinks it is ever there where I employ my affection the most), that thinking I was secure with them, I was apt to show them extraordinary kindness ; but they, being servants of God and cautious persons, would be fearful, lest I should become too much attached to them, though in an innocent manner, and they would sometimes show they were displeased at it. This happened afterwards, when I began to subject myself to be directed and com manded by them ; for before I did not bear them so much love. I smiled at myself when I considered how much they were deceived, though I did not always tell them so plainly how little I tied myself to any one, as I was sure of this in myself . but I told them enough ; and when they became more intimate with me, they knew how much I was indebted to our Lord, for these suspicions which they had of me were always in the beginning.
I also began to have more love and more confidence in my Lord after I had seen Him, as one with whom I now held a continual conversation. I saw that though He was God He was also man, and that He did not wonder at the weakness of men, for He well knows our miserable nature, which is subject to falls of so many kinds, on account of the first sin which He came to repair. Although He is my Lord, I may still treat with Him as with a friend, because 1
344 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
know He is not like the grandees we are accustomed to meet with in this world, who place all their greatness in a certain affected authority, and who appoint hours and seasons for an audience, and admit those only to speak to them who are distinguished persons. If any poor man lias any business to transact with them, it will cost him many labors and favors before he can get it settled. But what if he has some busi ness with the king himself! Poor people must not presume to come near him, but be content to inquire who are his favorites (and these we may be sure are not such as tread the world under their feet, because such persons are accus tomed to speak the real truth, and so are not fit for a court), and so recommend their affairs to them ; there those things are not usual ; but they dissemble whatever they dislike, and scarcely do they think of doing such a thing for fear of being disgraced.
O King of Glory, and Lord of all kings '. Thy kingdom is not set out with such straws as these, since it has no end ! Nor is there any need of third persons to introduce us to an audience with Thee ! By our seeing Thee, we instantly perceive that Thou alone dcservest to be called Lord ; so great is Thy Majesty that there is no need of many guards and attendants, in order that we may know Thou art a King ; whereas, if any earthly king were left quite alone, he would hardly be known to be a king, for, in himself he is no more than other men, and therefore something must appear about him to make men believe that he is the king ; and he has so much more need of using these external helps, because other wise the people would make no account of him ; for his ap pearing so powerful is not from himself, but his grandeur and state arise from those about him. But who is able, 0 my Lord and my King ! to represent that Majesty which Thou hast ? It is impossible to help seeing that Thou art a great Emperor in Thyself, and I am quite amazed to be hold Thy Majesty. But I am still more amazed, 0 my Lord ! to see united with this Majesty the great humility and love which Thou showest to such a wretched creature as my self ; for we may speak and treat with Thee about all things, even as we wish, when once we have lost that first amaze ment and dread which we feel at the sight of the majesty of
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 345
Thy presence, though there still remains a greater fear of offending Thee ; but not the fear of the punishment, for this we do not regard at all, in comparison with the misery which it is to lose Thee. Here are some of the benefits which I have derived from this vision of our Lord, besides other great effects which it leaves in my soul. If the vision be from God, it makes itself understood by the effects, whenever the .soul has light ; for, as I have often said, our Lord is pleased that it should remain in darkness, and not see this light ; and then it is not so strange that one so wicked as myself should have some fear.
It is only very lately that 1 happened to be for eight days in such a state, that it seemed I neither had, nor could have, any knowledge of what I owe to God, nor yet any memory of His favors ; but my soul was so inebriated and employed upon I know not what, nor how, though not upon bad thoughts ; but, with respect to good ones, so very sluggish, that I laughed at myself, and took pleasure in beholding the baseness a soul is in, when our Lord does not vouchsafe to be continually working in her. She sees very well, that even in this state she is not without possessing Him, for it is not like as in those great afflictions which, I have said, I sometimes suffer ; for^ though the soul brings wood, and does all the little she can on her side, there is no enkindling the love of God within her. It is a great mercy of His that some smoke is observed, for thereby we know that she is not dead, and our Lord comes again to enkindle it ; but then the soul seems to be in such a state, that everything only serves to choke her the more, though we break even our heads in blowing, and weary ourselves in arranging the wood. I think the best thing is to give herself wholly up, and to remember that she is unable to do anything of herself alone, and there fore to apply herself (as I have said) to other meritorious things , for our Lord, perhaps, takes away prayer from her, that the soul may exercise herself in those other acts, and so understand, by experience, how little she is able to do of herself
This very day I have solaced myself with our Lord, and presumed to complain to His Majesty in these words : " How is it, 0 my God ! that it is not enough for Thee to keep me
346 LIFE OP SI. TERESA.
in this miserable life, and that I endure it all for Thy sake, and that I wish to live where all this trouble is, because I cannot enjoy Thee, without at the same time eating and sleep ing, and transacting business, and conversing with every one ; nnd all this I suffer for the love of Thee ? Thou knowcst well,
0 my Lord ! that this is a very great torment to me ; and in those few moments which remain to me for enjoying Thee, Thou art yet pleased to hide Thyself. How can this be reconciled with Thy mercy ? And how can Thy love towards me permit it 1 I believe, 0 Lord ! that if it were possible for me to hide myself from Thee, as Thou dost hide Thyself from me, I think and believe so much concerning the love Thou hast for me, as to be sure Thou wouldst not endure it. But Thou art still with me, and always beholdest me. This is not to be endured, 0 my Lord ! I beseech Thee to con sider that this, is doing an injury to one who loves Thee so much." These and such like words I spoke, though I con sidered, first, how very tolerable that place was which had been prepared for me in hell, in comparison with what I had deserved. But sometimes the love I bear our Lord is so very extravagant, that I scarce know what I do, except to complain with all my understanding in this manner ; and our Lord endures everything from me. May so good a King be praised ! But can we approach the kings of this world with such presumption as this ?
And yet I am not surprised that we do not dare to speak to earthly kings in this way, or to those great persons who are their representatives, for they are men whom we have reason to fear. But now the world is so changed, that we should be obliged to live longer, in order to have time enough to learn all its punctilios, and modes, and fashions, if we would have any time to spend in the service of God. I bless myself when I see what passes. The truth is, that already
1 scarcely knew how to live in the world, when I came to understand this ; for now it is not considered a jest, when there is any inattention shown, in treating men with much more ceremony than they really deserve : but they so truly take it for an affront, that you must profess your desire to make satisfaction, if there be (as I was saying) any omission ; and God grant that they believe your professions.
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 847
I repeat it again, that I do not really know how to live, because these things do greatly afflict a poor weary soul. She sees that, on one hand, she is commanded always to employ her thoughts on God, and that it is necessary for her to do so, in order to free herself from many dangers ; and, on the other side, she also sees, that it concerns her not to omit anything regarding the punctilios of the world, under pain of not giv ing offence to those who place their chief honor in these things. As for me, they tire me quite out, and I could never come to an end of making satisfaction, for it was not in my power (however much I endeavored) to prevent myself from making many faults in this respect ; and these are not con sidered little in the eyes of the world. It is true, that reli gious Orders ought to be exempt from all these attentions, and there is reason for it : but, no ; people assert, " that monasteries ought to be, as it were, so many courts for good breeding, and that their inmates should know the rules of politeness." I do not really understand this kind of lan guage. I think some saint has said, that a monastery should be a court to instruct those who wish to be courtiers in heaven. But now things are understood in quite a different way. But how they who should be continually employed in pleasing God, and in endeavoring to abhor the world, are also to be obliged to bestow so much care and attention in pleas ing those who live in the world, and that in things which change so often, this I cannot comprehend.
But though it were possible for one to learn all these rules, yet they would soon be changed. Even for the titles which are expected in letters, a chair should be founded, that so the Professor might teach us how such and such people were to be addressed ; for sometimes the paper is to be left blank on one side, and sometimes on the other ; and he who used to be styled " Your Worship," must now be called " The Honorable." I know not where things will stop ; for I am not fifty years old, and yet I have seen such changes in my life, that now I know not how to live. How then will those who are now young know how to conduct themselves, if they should live long ? I have really great compassion for spiritual persons, who are obliged to live in the world for certain holy purposes ; for it is a terrible cross to bear this. If all could
348 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
agree together, and profess themselves to be ignorant, and could be content to be considered as such in these sciences, they might free themselves from a great deal of trouble. But into what fooleries have I cast myself? From speaking of the greatness of God, I have come by degrees to speak of the baseness of the world. Since our Lord has enabled me by His grace to leave it, I am resolved no more to speak about it. Let those love it who, with so much trouble, encourage those toys ; and may God grant, that we may not pay dearly for them in the other life, which is without change ! Amen.