CHAPTER XXXV.

THE SAINT CONTINUES THE HISTORY OF THE FOUNDATION OF ST. JOSEPH'S MONASTERY, ETC.
HAVING now lived with the above-mentioned lady more than half a year, our Lord so ordered things, that a devout nun of our Order (Maria do Jesu) came to hear of me, though she was more than seventy leagues from this place. She happened, however, to be traveling this way, and un derstanding that I was here, she went some miles out of her
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road in order feo see me. Our Lord inspired her the same year and month that He had moved me, to erect another monastery of our Order : through this desire, she sold all she had, and went to Rome barefoot, in order to obtain leave. She is a woman of great penance and prayer, and our Lord had bestowed upon her many favors : our Blessed Lady also appeared to her, and bade her execute her design. She so surpassed me in serving our Lord, that I was ashamed to appear before her. She showed me the despatches she brought from Rome ; and, during the fortnight that we lived together, we arranged how we should have these monasteries built. Till I had consulted with her, I never knew that our rule, before it was mitigated, forbade our having property. I was unwilling to found the house without revenue, because my intention was, not to harass ourselves with the care of providing what was necessary for our support, not reflecting on the many cares property brings along with it. But as our Lord taught this blessed woman, she knew well, though not able to read, what I, with all the study of our constitutions, was yet ignorant of. When she told me this I was glad, though I was afraid the Superiors would not consent thereto, but that they would say, " I attempted extravagant things, and should not undertake matters for which others might suffer on my account." Had it concerned myself only, nothing would have withheld me from founding the house in poverty ; rather did I feel great pleasure in thinking that I was to observe the counsels of Christ our Lord, because His Majesty had already given me strong desires of poverty. Thus, for my own part, I made no doubt but that it was for the best, for long before 1 had wished this might be the case suitable to my state, to go begging for the love of God, and to have nothing, neither house nor anything else. But I wa? afraid, that if our Lord did not give the same desires to others, they might, perhaps, be discontented ; and also I was afraid lest it might be a cause of some distraction, for I saw some poor monasteries not very recollected, not con sidering that their poverty came from want of recollection, and not their want of recollection from their poverty. Solicitude makes not Religious the richer, and God is never wanting to those who truly serve Him. In a word, my faith
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was weak, but not so that of this servant of God. Though I asked the opinions of many on this matter, yet hardly any one was for this project, neither confessors nor the learned whom I consulted. They gave so many reasons against it, that I knew not what to do : for when I understood that the rule enjoined it, and that it tended to promote greater per fection, I could not be persuaded to admit revenues. And though I sometimes found myself convinced by their reasons, yet, when I afterwards returned to my prayers, and beheld Christ so very poor and naked, I could not have the patience to be rich : and so I begged of our Lord, with tears, that He would so arrange things that I might Bee myself poor as He was. I found so many inconveniences in having revenues, and I saw so many troubles and distractions would arise from them, that I did nothing but dispute with the learned. I wrote to that Dominican Father who had assisted us, and he sent me in writing two leaves of objections and theological reasons against the project, assuring me he had deeply studied the matter. I answered, that I would not follow that theology which forbade me following my vocation, and my vow of poverty, and the counsels of our Saviour, in all perfection ; nor did I wish that he would assist me, in this point, with his learning. If I met with any one who took my part, or was of the same mind as myself, I rejoiced greatly. The lady with whom I lived assisted me in this matter very much. Some told me, at first, they liked the project very well ; but, considering the matter afterwards more carefully, they found so many difficulties in it, that they labored all they could to dissuade me from it. My answer was, that since they had changed their mind so sud denly, I was resolved to follow the opinion they gave first.
About this time it happened, that as this lady had never seen the holy man, Peter of Alcantara, our Lord was pleased, through my entreaties, to bring him to her house. And as he was a true lover of poverty, having observed it for many years, he knew well what great riches were to be found therein ; and, accordingly, he was of great assistance to me, and he commanded me, on no account, to desist from my design. Thus, with his opinion and approbation, being one who could much better than others deliver his judgment, on
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account of his long experience, I resolved to proceed no further in consulting others.
Being one day in prayer, earnestly recommending this matter to God, our Lord said to me, " By no means neglect to found the house in poverty, and this is the will of my Father as well as mine ; I will assist you." These words were said in a rapture, and with such effect, that I could not possibly doubt of their coming from God. Another time He told me, " That in having revenues I should have con fusion," with several other things in praise of poverty, assuring me, that whoever should serve Him, should not want necessaries ; and of this want (as I said), for my part, I was never afraid. Our Lord also changed the mind of the Religious, the Dominican, who had formerly written to me against founding the house without revenue. I was now ex ceedingly delighted at having heard this from our Lord, and having had the opinions of other persons ; and hence by re solving to live upon alms, I thought I already enjoyed all the we.-iith in the world.
At this time my Provincial released me from the obedience he had put me under, of living in that lady's house, leaving it to my choice, either to go or to stay, as I liked best, until the time came for the election of a prioress in my monastery. I was informed that many intended to give me this office, the mere thought of which so afflicted me, that I resolved to en dure any torment for God's sake with joy ; but no one could in any way prevail on me to accept this dignity ; for, in ad dition to the trouble, which was great, because the nuns were numerous, together with other motives, I never loved to be in office, but always refused it, thinking it would be very dangerous to my conscience, so that I thanked God I was not there. I wrote to my friends, begging of them not to vote for me.
Being very pleased on seeing myself out of this noise, our Lord said to me, " Do not neglect, on any account, to go ; and since you desire a cross, there is a good heavy one pre pared for you : do not refuse it, for I will support you : go immediately." These words afflicted me extremely, and I did nothing but weep, because I thought the " cross " was to be elected superioress ; and this I could not persuade my-
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self would be good for my soul in any way, and I knew not how T could avoid it. I mentioned the matter to my con fessor, who commanded me to depart immediately, for it was clearly greater perfection ; but, because the heat of the weather was then excessive, he allowed me to remain a few days longer, lest the journey might injure me, for it was sufficient if I arrived in time for the election. But our Lord having ordered things otherwise, I wished to obey His command instantly, for I was so extremely disturbed that I could not pray ; and I thought I was wanting in obedience to our Lord's commands , and by being treated there kindly, and made much of, I was unwilling to go away, and expose myself to suffering. All I gave to God was but words ; and since I could live where there was greater perfection, why did I neglect it ? If I died on the way, be it so. To this was added a heaviness of soul, and being deprived by our Lord of all pleasure in prayer. In a word, I was in such a state, that to stay was such a torment to me, that I begged of the lady to allow me to depart, because my confessor, seeing me in this state, had already told me to go, God having moved him as He had me. She felt my intended departure so much, that this proved another affliction for me, for she said " it had cost me much trouble, and many importunate requests, to prevail on the Provincial to allow me to come here."
I considered it very extraordinary that she consented, on account of the grief she felt ; but, as she feared God, and as I told her my departure would tend greatly to the Divine honor, besides giving her many other reasons, and holding out some hopes that she would see me again, she consented with much difficulty. As for myself, I now felt no sorrow at all about my departure, because when I understand that anything tends to promote greater perfection, and to give greater glory to God, I am contented ; and the joy I found in pleasing Him, took away the grief I felt in leaving this lady (who T perceived regretted my departure exceedingly), and in leaving others also, and especially my confessor, who belonged to the Society of Jesus, and with whom I was much pleased. But the more I perceived that I lost these consola tions for God, the more I was pleased at losing them. I
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could not understand how this could be, for I clearly per ceived these two contraries, viz., to delight and console my self, and to rejoice in that which grieved inc to my very soul; for here I lived in ease and comfort, and had an oppor tunity of spending many hours in prayer. But, on the other hand, I saw I was about to cast myself into a fire, our Lord having already signified this to me, by telling me I was to endure a heavy cross (though I never thought it would prove so heavy, as afterwards I found it) ; and yet, in spite of all these things, I departed cheerfully, and was, as it were, out of myself, because I could not commence the battle im mediately ; and since it was our Lord's pleasure I should, His Majesty gave strength to my weakness.
As 1 have already remarked, I could not understand how this would happen ; I thought of this comparison. If I had in my possession a jewel, or something which gave me great pleasure, and should happen to know that one whom 1 loved more than myself wished to have it, whose pleasure I pre ferred to my own, it would certainly give me more satisfac tion to be without that jewel than to keep it, because thereby I should please the person whom I loved so tenderly ; and, as this desire of pleasing him would exceed my own pleasure in possessing it, so likewise it would remove the sorrow I might feel in parting with that jewel, or anything else I loved, and the pleasure I took therein. Hence, though I did not wish to go, on account of the opportunity I enjoyed in that lady's house for my prayers, and through my leaving persons who I saw felt my departure so much, which (as I am naturally very grateful) would at another time have served to afflict me deeply ; yet now, even if I wished, I could not be sorry.
Not to delay my journey a day longer was so important to the business of this blessed house, that I know not how it could possibly have been concluded, had I then delayed. Oh ! the immense greatness of God ! Often am I astonished when I observe, how particularly His Majesty was pleased to help me in founding this little chamber of God (for such I believe it to be), and this lodging in which His Majesty delights ; for, being once in prayer, He told me, " that this house was the paradise of His delight ; " and so it seems His
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Majesty has chosen those souls whom He has conducted there, and in whose company 1 live with great contusion to myself; because 1 myself could not have known how to desire such persons for this purpose, — persons of such austerity, poverty, and prayer, who suffer everything with such pleasure and joy, that every one considers herself unworthy of being admitted to such a place, and especially some whom our Lord has drawn there from out the vanities and pleasures of the world, wherein they might have lived contentedly, according to its laws and customs. And our Lord has here so doubled their joys, that they clearly see how, even in this life, they have gained a hundred-fold for one which they left, and therefore they are never weary with giving thanks to His Majesty. Others our Lord has changed from good to better. To the young He has given courage and understanding, in order not to desire anything else, and to know, that even here below, if they wish to live in quiet, they must separate themselves from all worldly pleasures. To those who are older and infirm, He gives strength (as He has given before) to enable them to endure the same penance and austerities as the others do.
0 my Lord ! how does Thy power appear ! we need n«t seek out reasons for what Thou wishest to happen, since Thou makest things so possible beyond all human calculation, that Thou makest us understand nothing more is required, but only to love Thee sincerely, and to forsake everything in good earnest for Thy sake, that so Thou, 0 my Lord ! mayest make everything easy for us. Here one may say, that Thou wishest to intimate there is some difficulty in observing Thy law, since I see none, 0 Lord ! nor do I understand how the road which leads to Thee is strait. I find it a royal road, and not a narrow path ; a road along which he who walks in good earnest, walks the more securely. Those who avoid the occa sions of sin, are far removed from narrow passes, and are in no danger of falling from rocks. That I call a narrow path, and a bad one, which on one side has a very deep valley, down which one may easily slide ; and on the other, a steep precipice, down which the careless fall, and are dashed to pieces He that loves Thee, O my eternal God ! walks securely along a broad and royal road, far from precipices ; 28
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he stumbles not, when Thou, 0 Lord ' extendest Thy hand to him. If, however, he should sometimes fall, yet, such falls will not ruin him if he love Thee, and not the things of this world,
If men walk along the valley of humility. I cannot under stand why they are so afraid of putting themselves in the way of perfection. May our Lord grant us in His goodness to understand, what a poor security it is to be in the midst of so many manifest dangers, as are to be met with by fol lowing the maxim and opinions of the world , and that true security consists in endeavoring to advance still further in the way of God. Let us fix our eyes upon Him, and four not lest this Sun of Justice should sot, or leave us wander ing by night : we shall not be lost, if we do not first abandon Him. Men fear not to go among lions, every one of which seems as if it would tear them in pieces : I mean honors, pleasures, and delights, for so the world calls them ; but here, the devil makes us afraid of little mice. A thousand times am I astonished at this ;. and ten thousand times would I be satisfied with weeping and proclaiming aloud my great blindness and wickedness, in order to try if I could be of ajiy use in making others open their eyes a little. May He open them, who can do so, in His goodness, and may He never allow mine to grow blind again ! Amen.