CHAPTER XXXIV.

SHE MENTIONS HOW SHE WAS OBLIGED TO LEAVE AVILA, AND THE HEASON THEREOF, BEING COMMANDED TO GO BY HER SUPERIOR TO COMFORT A LADY THERE, WHO WAS MUCH AFFLICTED.
NOTWITHSTANDING all the care I took that people might not know what we were doing, the whole of this business could not be carried on with such secrecy, without certain persons knowing something about it : some believed it, and others did not. I was greatly afraid, that if the Provincial
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 309
should come, and they happen to tell him about it, he might command me to abandon the affair altogether, and then all. the undertaking would be at an end. But our Lord or dained matters in such a way that in a large city,* more than twenty leagues distant, there was a certain ladyf in deep affliction for the death of her husband, ^he was re duced to such extremity of sorrow that her health was en dangered : she had heard something of such a miserable sinner as myself; for it seems our Lord had so ordained, that persons spoke well of me to her, in order that other good effects might be produced, which I shall mention, and which followed from this journey. This lady was well ac quainted with the Provincial, who, considering what a respectable lady she was, and that I was in a monastery which did not keep enclosure, our Lord gave her so great a desire to see me (thinking she would be comforted by my means), that she could not possibly stop any longer, without using all her endeavors to get me there : and so she wrote to the Provincial, who was then at a great distance. He sent me a command under obedience, that I should immedi ately visit the lady, and take a companion with me. On the night of the Nativity I received the command ; and it put me to some confusion, and gave me much trouble to see they were resolved to take me away, as if they saw some good in me. But knowing myself how wicked I was, I could not endure the thought of the journey ; and so, recommending myself earnestly to God, I remained during all the time of Matins, or at least, during the greater part of them, in a great rapture. Our Lord then told me, " that I must not fail to undertake the journey, and that I was not to listen to the opinions of others, for few would think they could advise me to go without rashness ; but that, however painful the journey might be to me, yet He would be greatly served thereby ; and that it would also be proper to absent myself from the monastery till the brief should arrive, because the devil had devised a great plot when the Provincial should come, but yet that I must be afraid of nothing, for He would assist me in the business." These words strengthened
* Toledo. The journey was undertaken in January, 1562.
t Her name was Louisa de la Cerda. (See Bollandists, vol. vii.)
310 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
and comforted me exceedingly, and I mentioned all to the rector, who told me " that I must go by all means." But others said I ought not to go, and that it was only a strata gem of the devil, in order that some evil might happen to me, and that my best plan would be to write to the Provin cial. But I obeyed the rector; and considering also what had happened in prayer, I began my journey without fear, but yet not without extreme confusion to consider for what object they sent for me ; and finding how much they were deceived, it made me importune our Lord the more not to forsake me. But I was comforted to know, that in the place I was going to, there was a college belonging to the Society of Jesus ; and, by being obedient to all their com mands, I thought I should enjoy some security. When I arrived there, our Lord was pleased to give the lady so much comfort, that an improvement in her health immediately be gan to be visible, for every day she became better and better. This was the more to be prized, because (as I said before) the pain she had, kept her in great trouble. But our Lord, no doubt, granted her ease on account of the many prayers which certain holy persons, whom I knew, made in her be half, in order that everything might succeed well. She was herself full of the fear of God, and so good that her deep piety supplied for what was wanting in me. She conceived a great affection for me ; and seeing her goodness, I con ceived the same for her : but still, all was a cross to me, for the attention they paid me was a great torment to me j and making so much of me caused me to fear exceedingly. My soul was therefore so recollected, that I durst not be careless in any way, and our Lord also was not unmindful of me ; for while I was there He showed me excessive favors , and these gave me such great liberty of soul, as to make me despise, all the esteem I received there, and the more I re ceived the more I despisod it, so that I failed not to treat with those ladies, who were so great, with as much liberty as if I had been equal to them, though they were of such honorable birth that I might, without any dishonor to myself, have been their servant. I derived groat advantage from all this ; and so I told her. I saw that she was a woman subject to weakness and passions like myself, and what little
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 311
reason she had to esteem her greatness and power, which, in proportion as it is great, brings after it so much the more trouble and care. And they are so careful to live in a man ner conformable to their rank, that the trouble hardly allows them to live, for they eat out of the proper time, and out of order, because everything must be done in accordance with their station, and not with a regard to their health and constitution; and sometimes even they must feed upon such meats, that are more agreeable to their greatness than to their taste : and thus I abhorred the idea of being a great lady.
May God deliver me from such a dangerous state, though she of whom I am speaking is one of the principal ladies in the kingdom, and I believe there are few more humble or more affable than she is ; but still I have compassion for her, to see how she sometimes acts, not in conformity with her own inclination, but to comply with the rules of her state. In servants there is little trust to be placed ; and though those which she had were good, yet she could not speak more confidently to one than to another ; and if she does, then whoever is most favored by her is sure to be less beloved by the others. This high state is indeed a slavery , and one of the greatest lies which the world tells is, when it calls such persons as these "lords and ladies." To me they seem to be nothing more than slaves a thousand times over. Our Lord also was pleased, while I remained in this lady's house, that the do mestics should greatly improve in serving His Majesty, though I was not free from some troubles : and some persons even envied me, on account of the great affection which tbjs lady had for me. They might, perhaps, fancy that I had some personal interest in What I did : and so our Lord per mitted them to give me scmie little trials, both in this and other ways, in order to prevent me from being intoxicated by the kindness and attention that were paid to me on the other side. But from all these troubles He was pleased to deliver me, to the great benefit of my soul.
While I was yet remaining there, a certain Religious, who was a very eminent person, and whom I had sometimes consulted many years before, happened to come to this place. While I was at Mass one day, in a monastery of hfe Order,
312 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
which was near the place where I resided, a desire came upon me to know in what disposition his soul then was, for I desired that he might become a great servant of God. I rose up that I might go and speak to him ; but being already recollected in prayer, i thought afterwards it would be lost time ; and besides, what had I to do with him ? I then began to sit down again, and, as far as I remember now, I did this very same thing three several times. At last, my good angel became stronger than the evil one, and so I went and inquired for him. I began to ask him many questions, as he did me also, because many years had passed away since last we met, respecting the lives we led. I began to tell him, that as for mine, it had been subject to many afflic tions. When he heard this, he pressed me to acquaint him with those afflictions; and I replied, that it was not fit to know them, nor very fit for me to relate them. But he made answer, that since the Dominican Father (of whom I spoke before) knew them, he would soon make him acquainted with them, as they were both great friends, and therefore that I should not, feel any unwillingness or difficulty in relating them.
The truth is, he could not refrain from importuning me, nor was I able to prevent myself telling them to him. For with all that trouble and shame which I used to have when ever I spoke on these matters, yet when I discoursed about them with this man, and with the rector (of whom I have already spoken), I had no trouble at all, but it was rather a comfort to me. I therefore explained my whole life to him, but under the seal of confession ; and he appeared to nie more prudent than ever, though I always considered him to be a man of strong understanding, and I admired the great talents and qualifications he had, which would enable him to do much good, were he wholly and entirely to give himself up to God. This wish I have had for some years, — that I cannot see any one who pleases me, but I must instantly desire that he might give himself entirely to God ; and I wish it so ardently, that sometimes I can hardly contain myself. And though I desire all the world might serve our Lord, yet I desire, with great impulses and impetuosity, that those who please me should do it most, and therefore 1 used
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 313
often to importune our Lord in their behalf. As regards the religious man of whom I was speaking, he requested me to recommend him earnestly to Almighty God; but there was not much necessity for him to tell me to do this, for I was already so taken with him, that I could not possibly do otherwise. And so I went, quite alone, to the place where I was accustomed to pray ; and being then in deep recollec tion, I began to speak with our Lord; but it was in a man ner so very familiar, that often I knew not what I was saying : for then it is love which speaks, and the soul is so disengaged from herself, that she docs not consider what a difference there is between her and God. The love which I know His Majesty has for me makes my soul forget herself; for she thinks she is then in Him : and so, as if both He and she were one and the same without distinction, she speaks foolish things. After I had entreated our Lord, with abundance of tears, that the soul of this religious might devote herself in good earnest to His service, I remembered having thus spoken to our Lord : " that though I had him already in reality, yet that would not content me, for I must have him altogether ;" and I also said, " 0 Lord ! do not refuse me this favor : con sider that this good man is fit to be numbered as our friend." Oh ! how great is the goodness and kindness of God ! He does not consider so much our words as the desires and affec tions with which they are spoken. But how could He allow such a miserable creature as I am to speak to Him with so much boldness ? May He be blessed for ever and ever ! I remember that during those hours of prayer there came upon me that night a great affliction, for I was thinking whether I was in favor with God ; but as I could not tell whether I was in His favor or no, I desired not so much to know this as to die, rather than continue in such a life, wherein I could not be sure whether I was dead or no ; for I could not endure a more cruel death than to think I had offended God ; and this pain afflicted me so much, that even caressed as I was and dissolved in tears, I entreated His Majesty not to permit it : and then I came to understand that I was in a state of grace, because such a love for God, and my having received those favors and feelings from His Majesty, were not com patible with a soul in the state of mortal sin. In the mean 27
LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
time, I began to be confident that our Lord would grant \vhat 1 had asked for that other person. He told ine to say certain words to him. But this command troubled me much, because I knew not how to utter them : for to carry a mes sage to a third person, in the way I have mentioned, is what always afflicts me, especially when I know not how it will be received, or whether the person will not laugh at me for my pains. This gave me much trouble ; but I was at last so far persuaded, as to promise God that I would not neglect men tioning those words ; and on account of the great confusion I was in, I wrote them and delivered them to him. This action seemed to have been inspired by God, by the great effect it produced ; for he very seriously resolved to give him self to prayer, though still he did not do it immediately. But as our Lord wished to make him wholly His own, He was pleased to declare certain truths to him by my means, which though I did not then understand myself, yet they happened so opportunely for him that he was amazed thereat. Our Lord disposed him to believe that they came from His Majesty ; and I, on the other hand, though so miserable a creature, earnestly besought our Lord that He would per fectly turn him to Himself, and make him detest all the pleasures and enjoyments of this life ; and He has been pleased to grant me this favor, for which may He be praised forever ; and He did the favor in so complete a manner, that whenever this holy man speaks to me, it makes me almost go out of myself; for had I not seen it with my own eyes, I should have doubted whether in so short a time so many favors could have been bestowed upon a creature ; and these keep him so occupied on God, that already he seems not to live for anything in this life. May His Majesty take him by the hand, for if he should continue to advance in this way (as I trust in our Lord he will) — his soul being so deeply rooted in the knowledge of himself, he will become one of the most eminent of God's servants, and will do great good to many souls, on account of the deep experience he has acquired, in a short time, of spiritual things. These are gifts which God gives when and how He likes, without any respect either to time or services. I say not, but that these sometimes avail much : still I wish to say, that our Lord
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 315
sometimes gives not after twenty years of contemplation what lie bestows upon another in one year. Our Lord knows the reason of this. There is also an error which deceives us, when it seems we understand that by the course of years, which can, however, in no way be obtained without expe rience. And so many err, as I have said, in thinking they are fit to judge of spiritual things, without having any spirit uality themselves. I say not but that a learned man, even should he have no knowledge of spiritual things, may direct another man who is spiritual : but this is to be understood both interiorly and exteriorly, so far as it may be conform able with his natural powers, by the help of the understand ing : and as for those things which are supernatural, a person must be careful to act in conformity with Holy Scripture. For the rest, let him not vex or harass himself, nor imagine he understands that of which in reality he knows nothing ; nor should he choke and stifle spirits which, as regards these things, are governed by another and a higher Lord : they are not without a superior of their own.
Be not amazed at this, nor let these things seem impossi ble to you, for all things are possible with our Lord : but endeavor to strengthen your faith, and to humble yourself, when you see that our Lord knows how to make a poor igno rant woman more wise perhaps in this science than another person, however learned he may be. By means of this humility one will be able to do more good, both to the souls of others and to himself, than if he became a hermit without this vir tue. I repeat again and again, that if he be not a man of experience, and have not abundance of humility whereby to know that he does not understand the matter (and such a case is not impossible) then he will gain but little himself, and he also whom he guides will gain still less. But if he have humility, then he need not fear our Lord will ever per mit that either the one or the other will be deceived.
But now to return to this Father of whom I was speak ing: though our Lord had given him experience in many things, yet he also endeavored to acquire all that may be obtained by study ; and whenever his own experience fails him, he gains information by means of those who have more. And here our Lord comes in to his assistance, by giving him
316 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
greater faith ; and thus he does great good, both to his own soul and to those of others also : and mine is among the number : for as our Lord knew the many afflictions I should have to endure, it seems His Majesty so provided, that as some of them would be brought upon me by those who directed me, there might be others likewise to help me in these trials, and to do me great good. Our Lord has so completely changed this Religious, that, so to speak, he is not like the man he was before. He has also given him great corporal strength to do penance, which before was impossi ble to him, for he was always unwell. But now he is full of courage to do everything that is good ; and he has like wise a variety of other good qualities, which make it quite clear that his vocation came in a very especial manner from our Lord. May He be blessed forever ! I believe that till the good he has received has come from the favors our Lord bestowed upon him in prayer ; and these are not artificial things, for our Lord has been pleased to give him experience of them in many cases ; and he has given proofs that he is one, who understands very well the value of that merit which is acquired by patiently bearing persecutions. I trust in the greatness of our Lord, that some persons of his " Order" will gain great benefit by his means, and even the whole of the Order itself. This already begins to be under stood : I have seen wonderful visions, and our Lord has told me some particulars relating both to him and the rector of the college belonging to the Society of Jesus : and these par ticulars are deserving of great admiration. I heard other things of two more religious men, belonging to the Order of St. Dominic ; but of one especially, of whose advancement in spiritual matters our Lord has already manifested some proofs to the world. I had also formerly heard of him ; but many things are related of him of whom I was speaking before : one of these I will now relate.
I was once with him in the Locutory of the monastery, and so great was the love which my soul understood was burning in his, that I was almost absorbed by it ; for I was considering the greatness of God, and how in so short a time he had raised a soul to such an admirable state. He puts me to great confusion, when I hear him listen with such deep
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 317
humility to what I sometimes say to him about prayer ; and I can say but little to such a person as he was. But our Lord was pleased to bear with me, through the earnest desire I had to see him a great proficient in prayer. And it did me so much good to be with him, that he seemed to inflame my soul with new fire, and with new desires to serve our Lord, just as if I had then to begin over again. 0 my Jesus ! what cannot a soul do, when she is all inflamed with Thy love ! We ought to esteem such a soul very much, and beseech our Lord to allow her to remain in this life • whoever has the same kind of love should follow such souls as far as possible.
It is a great, comfort to a sick man to find another afflicted with the same disease, for it is a consolation for him to see that he is not alone : they help one another : both to suffer and to merit. They unite together like men, determined to risk a thousand lives for the cause of God, and they desire no other happiness than to meet with some opportunity of offering themselves in sacrifice for His service. They are li^:e brave soldiers, who, in order to gain the spoils of their enemy, and so become rich, desire that there may still wars, because they know well there is no other means whereby to better themselves. To labor is their occupation ; and oh ! what an admirable thing it is, when our Lord gives us light to know how much is gained by suffering for Him ! This truth is not well understood, till everything be given up, because whoever keeps anything for himself, proves that he esteems it worth something. And if he esteem it worth some thing, he cannot help being sorry at leaving it. But here all is quite lost, and the proverb comes in well which says, " that he is a lost man who goes after that which is lost." And what greater perdition, blindness, and misfortune, than to esteem that highly which in itself is nothing ?"
To return now to what I was saying. Being excessively delighted at beholding that soul, in which I thought our Lord wished me clearly to see the treasures He had placed in her ; and considering the favor He had done me, in hav ing made ine the means of its being effected, though I knew I was unworthy of such a favor, I valued the more the favors our Lord had bestowed upon him, and considered I 27*
318 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
was more a debtor for them than if they had been conferred on myself; and I praised our Lord exceedingly, because I saw that His Majesty still continued to accomplish my desires, and to hear my prayers, in which I begged of Him to excite the spirit of such persons. In the mean time, my soul, unable to bear such excessive joy, went out of herself, and lost her self, in order to gain more. She lost these present considera tions, and the hearing of that divine tongue in which the Holy Spirit seemed to speak , and there came on me a great rapture, which made me in a manner lose my senses, though it lasted but a short time. I saw Christ in very great majesty and glory, showing that He was exceedingly well pleased with what passed there. And so He told me ; and He wished me clearly to know that He is always present at such conferences, and is extremely delighted when men love to speak of Him.
At another time, being far from this place, I saw this Religious carried on high by angels with great glory. I understood by this vision, that his soul was making great progress. And so she was, for he was slandered with a horrible crime by a person whom he had formerly obliged, and whose soul and reputation he had greatly benefited. This affliction he endured with admirable patience, and he did many other things which promoted God's honor, besides suffering other persecutions.
I need not, I think, relate any more here, as your Rever ence knows them already ; but, if you think otherwise, they may afterwards be related for our Lord's greater glory. All the predictions respecting this monastery which I have already mentioned, and others which I shall afterwards re late about it, and several other matters, all have been fulfilled. Some were told me three years before they were known : others sooner, and some later, as our Lord related them to me. I always mentioned them to my confessor, and to this widow, who was my friend, with whom I had liberty to talk freely ; and she (as I learnt afterwards) discovered them to others, who know that I do not lie : this our Lord never allowed me to do in anything, and much less in matters so important, for I always spoke the whole truth. A cousin of mine dying suddenly, I was exceedingly troubled, because he
LIFE OP ST. TEEESA. 319
had no time to confess. I was told in prayer that my sister should die in this way, and therefore that I was to go to her, and exhort her to prepare for death. This I told to my con fessor, and as he did not give me leave to go, our Lord mentioned the matter to me several other times ; and when I acquainted my confessor with this, he bade me go, for there was no harm in doing so. She lived in a certain village ; and I came there without saying anything to her at first, or telling her the reason at once. But I proceeded by little and little, and gave her what light I could in every thing. I persuaded her to confess often, and, above all things, to take care of her soul. As she was very pious she did so. Having continued in this way for four or five years after wards, and taken very great care of her conscience, she died without seeing any one, or being able to make her confession. It fortunately happened, that she had been to confession only a week before. I was exceedingly glad when I heard of her death ; she was a very short time in purgatory : it was not, I think, quite eight days after, when one morning after I had communicated, our Lord appeared to me, and I saw Him conduct her to glory. During all those years, up to the very moment of her death, I never forgot what had been said to me, nor did my companion, who, upon the unexpected news of her death, came to me quite amazed, to see how punctually the words were fulfilled which our Lord had spoken to me. May He be blessed forever, who takes such care of souls, that they may not perish! Amen,