CHAPTER XXXIII.

THE SAINT CONTINUES THE HISTORY OF THE FOUNDATION OF ST. JOSEPH'S MONASTERY, ETC.
WHEN the business was now so far advanced, and so near being completed that the deeds were to be drawn up the very next day, it happened that just then our Father Provincial changed his opinion ; and I believe he was moved thereto by Divine Providence, as we shall see afterwards, because, as our prayers were so numerous, it seems our Lord was per fecting the work, and arranging things in such a way that it might be accomplished in a different manner. But as the Provincial was unwilling to admit the house, my confessor immediately commanded me to think no more about the matter . but our Lord knows what great troubles and afflic tions I had to endure, before I could bring the business to its present state. But, as it was now abandoned, all the former ob jections were confirmed, viz., " That the project was thefoolish- ness of women," &c. ; and I had to bear all their complaints and murmurs, though up to this time the Provincial had com manded the business to be done.
In the mean time, I was in very bad odor in the house where I was, because I wished to have more enclosure in the monastery. They said, " That I affronted them (by my new project) ; that God could be as well served there as in another place ; that there were persons much better than myself; that I had no love for the house ; that I should have done much better to have procured revenues for that house than for any other place." And some even said, that I ought to be thrown into prison ; and few there were who took
300 LIFE OF 8T. TEHE8A.
my part in any way ; but I saw clearly that they had reasons for many things they said ; and sometimes I made excuses, though as I could not tell them the principal motive (which was the command of our Lord), I knew not what to say, and so I held my tongue. At other times our Lord showed me very great favors, and all this affair of the monastery gave me no trouble whatever ; for I gave it up with as much pleasure and facility as if it had never cost me any pain. But this no one could believe, not even those persons of prayer with whom I used to converse, for they thought I was still full of trouble and shame ; even my confessor himself could hardly believe the contrary. But, as I thought I had done all that lay in my power, it seemed to me I was no longer obliged to promote what our Lord had commanded me. I remained still in the house, quite content and at my ease, though I could never help believing that the business would be done. Still I neither knew how nor when, but I believed that it would certainly be accomplished.
That which extremely afflicted me was, that once my con fessor wrote me a letter to this effect, as if I had done some thing against his will, though it seems our Lord was pleased I should have some affliction, even by means of that which was most dear to me ; and thus, in the multitude of my per secutions, when I was expecting to receive some comfort, my confessor, as I have said, wrote to me, saying : " That now he hoped I saw, by what had happened, that all had been a dream ; that I should, for the future, so far correct myself, as not to meddle any more with any business, nor talk any more of this business in particular, for I must have observed what scandal had arisen," &c. Other things he said which gave me great pain. But this letter, I confess, gave me greater pain than all my other troubles put together, because I then began to think whether I might not have been the cause of all the evil, and whether I did not commit an error whereby God may have been offended . nay, I even began to fear whether those visions might not have been illusions, and my whole course of prayer have been from the devil ; and whether, in a word, I were not then in a state of error and perdition. These thoughts so overpowered me, that I fell into the most profound grief and trouble- But our
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 301
Lord, who was never wanting to me in all my afflictions, often comforted and strengthened me, though this is not the place to relate what He did. But He told me, " I should not trouble myself, that I had served Him well, and had not offended Him in this business." In the mean time, He told me, that I should do what my confessor commanded me, by keeping silence till a fit time should come to renew the subject. After this I became so content and consoled, that the afflictions which came upon me seemed to be a mere nothing. Hereby our Lord showed me, what a very great benefit it is to endure troubles and persecutions for His sake, because so much had the love of God increased in my soul, as well as other virtues, that I was amazed at it : and this is the reason why I cannot help desiring afflictions. In the mean time, other persons thought I was quite dejected with what had happened, and this, indeed, would have been the case, had not our Lord been pleased to honor me so much with such great favors. Then greater impetuosities of divine love, and greater raptures than those I mentioned before, began to happen, though I did not mention them to any one, nor the profit I derived from them.
In the mean time, that holy Dominican* continued to believe for certain the business would succeed, and I believed the same also : but I made no account of this, because I was resolved to obey my confessor. The Dominican and my companion arranged matters together, and wrote to Rome about the affair, and made their offers. Here the devil began to make it known, one person talking about these things to another, that I had had some revelation on the matter. Upon this, some came to me, in a great deal of fear, to tell me " I had better look well to myself; that the days were evil, and that, perhaps, men might lay things to my charge, and complain even to the Inquisitors." These fears made me laugh, because in this matter I never had any fears, because I knew well, that in all things relating to the Catholic faith, even to the least ceremony of the Church, or for the truth of any doctrine in the Holy Scripture, I was ready to
* His name was Pedro Ibanez. (See vol. vii. of the Bullandists, p. 183, Ac.)
26
302 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
die a thousand deaths. I therefore desired those persons not to fear for me, and that my soul would indeed be in a miser able condition, if anything could be found in her to make her afraid of the Inquisition ; and that, if I thought there were any grounds to fear, I myself would be the first to go before the Inquisitors ; and that if any charge were brought against me, our Lord would deliver me from it, and I should be the gainer thereby.
I spoke on this matter with the Dominican Father, who, as I have said, was so learned a man, that I could confidently rely upon whatever he said. And on this occasion I told him, with all the clearness I could, of all the visions I had received, and of the kind of prayer I used, and of the great favors which our Lord had been pleased to show me, and I begged of him to consider well all these things, and to let me know if they were in any way against Holy Scripture, and that he would give me his opinion thereon. This he did, and so he made me very secure in my mind , and I also thought he himself derived some advantage from this matter ; for though he was before very holy, yet, from that time he gave himself more to prayer, and entered into a monastery of his own Order, which was a place of great solitude and silence, in order that he might exercise himself better in prayer. There he remained about two years, and then he was removed by obedience, much to his sorrow. But his Superiors stood in need of such a man, and I was much grieved myself when he left me, because I wanted such a person, though I knew he would be the gainer. While I was in trouble about his departure, Our Lord told me " to be comforted," for he went for some good purpose. And, in deed, he returned afterwards, with his soul so much improved in spiritual matters, that he himself told me, at his return, he would not for anything in the world have neglected making the journey. I also might say the same thing, be cause, as he formerly comforted and consoled me only by his letters, he was now able to do the same, by the great ex perience he had acquired in supernatural things. Our Lord was also pleased to bring him back at the time when His Majesty saw we stood in need of him, to assist His work concern ing this monastery, which it was His will should be established.
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 303
In the meantime, I remained silent on this matter for five or six months, neither hearing or saying anything ; nor did our Lord command me to do anything, and I did not know the reason thereof; but still I could not help thinking that the business would be accomplished sooner or later. About the end of this period, the rector of the college, who be longed to the Society of Jesus, being removed from this place, His Majesty brought another* to succeed him, who was a very spiritual man, and of great courage, understand ing, and learning : he came at the time when I was in much need of help, because, as my confessor had a Superior over him, this virtue was practiced to perfection, viz., not to re move from any place but only in conformity to the will of their Superior ; and, though he clearly understood the state of my soul, and desired I might advance more and more, yet he dared not, in some things, come to any fixed determina tion, for many reasons which he had ; while, on the other hand, my soul had such great impetuosities, that I found it very troublesome to be tied down so much : still I resolved not to swerve from his commands.
Being one day in great affliction, because I thought my confessor did not believe me, our Lord told me " not to be troubled thereat," assuring me that all my troubles would soon be at an end. At these words I rejoiced, thinking I should soon die, and I felt great pleasure when I remem bered this. But I clearly perceived afterwards, that these words related to the coming of this new rector, of whom I have spoken, because never afterwards did I experience any pain on account of this rector, for he was not opposed to the sub-rector, who was my confessor ; but rather he told him to console me, and assure me, " there was no reason for me to fear ; and that he would not conduct my soul by such strait and narrow ways, and with such restrictions, but would allow the Spirit of God to work freely in me."
Sometimes it seemed, by reason of these great impetuosi ties, that my soul had scarcely room to breathe. I went to visit this rector, and my confessor commanded me to speak to him with all candor and clearness : I felt, however, the
* His name was Gaspar do Salazar.
304 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
greatest difficulty in doing so. But it is quite true, that on my entrance into the Confessional, I felt in my soul I know not what, and neither before nor after do 1 remember ever to have experienced the like -. I cannot tell how it was, nor can I explain it by any kind of comparison, because it was a spiritual joy and an understanding which my soul had, that the soul of this man would be able to understand me, and that his judgment and mine would agree, although (as I have said) I knew not how this would bo. If I had spoken with him before, or if others had told me something great about him, it would not have been very surprising if I rejoiced when I heard that he was to hear me. But neither of us had ever spoken to each other, nor had any one ever given me any account of him : but since that time I have clearly seen, that my soul did not deceive me, because, by speaking with him, I have derived great advantage in every way, because his method of conversation is very important for those persons whom our Lord seems to advance (in the road of perfection), for He makes them run, and not walk step by step. His method is entirely to disengage them from all creatures, and to exercise them by mortifications ; and in this respect our Lord has given him very great talents, as well as in many other things. As soon as I began to speak with him on my affairs, I immediately understood his method, and saw I had found a holy and pure soul, and that our Lord had given him a particular talent in trying spirits. He consoled me exceedingly. Soon after I had spoken to him, our Lord began to press me to resume the business of the monastery, and that I should declare both to my confessor and to this rector, the many reasons why they were not to oppose my design : some of these reasons made them quite afraid to oppose me, because this Father rector never doubted but that all was directed by the Spirit of God, since he beheld and considered with great care and attention all the effects. At last, after much consideration, they durst not presume to oppose me ; and my confessor again gave me leave to use all my endeavors : and yet I clearly foresaw what trouble the undertaking would give me, because I was quite alone, and had very little power to do anything. But we agreed the matter should be carried on with great secrecy, and
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 305
therefore I prevailed on a sister of mine, who lived elsewhere, to buy the house with money, which our Lord found means, by certain ways, to give me in order to purchase it. But it would be too long to mention how our Lord continued to provide for us, for I made it a point not to do anything against obedience. I knew, however, that if I told anything to my Superiors, the whole business would be undone, as it happened before , and if I should mention the subject now, things would le even much worse. In procuring money to make the bargain and fit up the house, I endured many troubles, and some of them all alone, though my companion did what she could. But this was little, so very little, that it was next to nothing ; all she did was to lend her name to the undertaking, and to patronize it ; all the rest of the trouble was mine, and it came upon me in so many ways, that I now wonder how I was able to endure it. Sometimes, when I was thus in affliction, I said : " 0 my Lord ! why do you command things which appear impossible ? Though I am a woman, yet, if I had liberty, something might perhaps be done ; but being bound in all directions, without money and without knowing where to get any, to pay either for the brief, or for anything else, what can I do, 0 Lord ?"
Being one day in great want, and not knowing what to do, and not being able to pay the workmen, St. Joseph, my true father and patron, appeared to me, and told me, "That I should not fail to make the agreement, and that I should not want for money." Accordingly, I made the bargain without having any money, but afterwards our Lord provided some by such wonderful ways, that they who heard them were amazed.
But now the house seemed to be too small ; and, indeed, it was so to such a degree, that it appeared impossible ever to make it a monastery, and I had a good mind to buy another house ; but I had no money, nor means to procure any : there was another very small house near it, whereof a church* might be made. But one day, after I had commu nicated, our Lord spoke thus to me : " I have already told you to enter how you can." And in the manner of exclamation,
* That is, a small chapel for the nuns.
26*
306 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
He also said to me : " Oh ! the covetousness of mankind '. why are you afraid of wanting a little earth ? How often did I sleep in the open air, not knowing where to lay my head !" These words terrified me, for I saw our Lord had reason for what He said ; and so I went to the little house, and bargained for it. But I found, that though it was so very small, it was fit for such a monastery, and I thought no more about purchasing a larger place : but I endeavored to prepare this house in such a way as to make it habitable, though everything was rough and coarse. All I aimed at was, that it might not be injurious to our health, and so it shall ever remain.
Upon the Feast of St. Clare, when I was about to com- municaet, she appeared to me in great beauty, and told me " to be of good courage, and to go on with the work I had commenced, and that she would assist me." Her words proved true, for a monastery of religious, belonging to her Order, which is near this house, helps to support us ; and what is still more, she has by little and little brought my desire to sr.oh perfection, that the very same poverty which that blessed saint established in her house is also practiced in tliis belonging to us, and we live on alms. This, however, cost me a great deal of trouble, in getting the point so con firmed by the authority of the Pope, that no innovation might be made afterwards, nor the house ever have any revenue. And now our Lord does even more than what I have mentioned — (and perhaps this favor may have happened through the intercession of this blessed saint), for His Majesty provides us with all things necessary, in the most abundant manner, without our asking any one. May He be blessed for all things. Amen.
Being one day, about this time,* in a certain monastery belonging to the Order of the glorious St. Dominic, I was considering the many sins of my former life (which I had confessed in that house), and the events of my wicked way of living, when suddenly there came so great a rapture upon me, that it took me almost out of myself. I sat down ; and yet it seemed to me I was not able either to hear Mass, or
*This was about the year 1561.
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 807
even to see the Elevation, for which I afterwards had some scruple. While I was in this state, I appeared to be clothed with a garment of great whiteness and brightness, and at first I could not tell who clothed me ; but afterwards I saw our Lady on the right hand, and my father, St. Joseph, on the left, who clothed me with this robe. I was then given to understand that I was now cleansed from my sins. When I was thus clothed, and full of the greatest joy and glory, our Lady immediately took hold of me by the hands, and told me, " that seeing me devoted to the glorious St. Joseph gave her much pleasure ; that our Lord, and she herself, and St. Joseph, would be devoutly served in the monastery; that I should have no fear about this decree being changed, though the obedience placed upon me might not be agreeable to my inclinations, because they themselves would protect us ; that her Son had already promised He would remain with us." As a proof that all her words would come true, she cast a very beautiful chain of gold around my neck, with a cross of great value attached to it. But this gold and these precious stones are so very different from those of this world, that no comparison whatever can be made between them, nor can we possibly imagine what their beauty was. Neither can our understanding know of what the garment was ma Je, nor can it form any idea of its whiteness ; for all the whiteness we see in this world is like soot in comparison. The beauty I saw in our Blessed Lady was beyond descrip tion, though I could not determine the form nor figure of any particular part. I could only discern the form of her coun tenance : she was clad in white, and surrounded with exces sive splendor, yet this was sweet and not dazzling. I did not see the glorious St. Joseph so clearly, though I knew well he was present, as in those visions which are not seen, whereof 1 have already spoken. Our Lady seemed very young, and she remained with me only for a short time, but I enjoyed great pleasure and glory from the sight, more in my opinion than ever I had enjoyed before ; and glad would I have been never to have been deprived of the vision. I thought I saw both of them ascend into heaven, attended with a great multitude of angels; in the meantime I was left quite alone, though so comforted, and transported, and recol-
308 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
lectsd in- prayer, that I remained for some time unab/e either to move or speak, for I was almost out of myself. I had great impulses to be, as it were, annihilated for God, and 1 experienced some of the effects thereof; and the whole hap pened in such a way that I was never able (though I used great endeavors) to doubt but that the vision came from God.
The Queen of Angels left me very full of comfort and peace, by what she said to me concerning obedience ; and the case was this : for my part, I was unwilling to give up this house to the Order ; and, indeed, our Lord Himself told me that it was not proper I should give it to them : He also gave me the reasons why it was not proper at all, and told me to write to Rome by a certain way, and He assured me H« would arrange the matter so that it should be successful. And so it happened ; for the business was despatched by the very means whereof our Lord had spoken to me, for we never should have been able to manage it ourselves. But on account of what happened afterwards, I saw it was proper that obedience should be shown to the Bishop, by submitting the matter to him. Then, however, I did not know him, nor was I aware what kind of prelate he was : but our Lord was pleased he should be so good, and should favor this house as much as was necessary, in order to oppose what happened therein, as I shall relate afterwards, and to place it in its present condition. May He be blessed for ever who has done all things ! Amen.