CHAPTER XXXII.

THE SAINT MENTIONS HOW OUR LORD WAS PLEASED TO SHOW HER, IN SPIRIT, THE PLACE WHICH HAD KEEN PREPARED FOR HER IN HELL, AXD WHICH SHE HAD DESERVED BY HER SINS.
AFTER our Lord had bestowed many favors upon me, •which I have already related, as well as many others, which were very great, He was pleased that one day, while I was at prayer, I should find myself (without knowing how) in a moment lodged in hell. I understood that our Lord was pleased to let me see the place which the devils had pre pared for me there, and which I had deserved by my sins. This lasted only for a very short time ; but yet, if I should live many years, it seems impossible to forget such a place. The entrance seemed to be like a long close alley, or rather like a low, dark, and narrow oven ; and the ground appeared to be like mire, exceedingly filthy, stinking insupportably, and full of a multitude of loathsome vermin. At the end of it there was a certain hollow place, as if it had been a kind of a little press in the wall, into which I found myself thrust, and close pent up. All that I have said might pass for delightful, in comparison with what I felt in this press : the torment was so dreadful that no words can express the least part of it.
I felt a fire in my soul, which I cannot express or describe, as it was in reality. All those other most grievous torments, almost insupportable, which I have endured, by the shrink ing up of all my sinews, and by other, ways (which, in the judgment of physicians, were the greatest that could be suf fered, in a corporeal way, in this world) ; and some also, as I have said, which were caused by the devil, were all a mere nothing, in comparison with what I suffered there, joined with the dismal thought, that all this suffering was to be without end or intermission. And even this is still nothing, if compared with the continual agony the soul suffers ; that pressing, that stifling, that anguish so exceedingly sensible, together with such desperate torturing discontent and dis gust, that I cannot express it. To say it is a butchering, or
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rending of the soul, is to say little ; for this would seem to express a violence, used by some other agent to destroy her. But here she is her own executioner, and even tears herself in pieces. I saw not who it was that tormented me ; but I seemed to find myself both burnt and cut in pieces all at once ; and in so dreadful a place there was no room for the least hope of once meeting with any comfort or ease ; neither was there any such thing as sitting or lying down. Thus was I thrust into this place like a hole in the wall ;. and the.se walls, which are also most horrible to the sight, press in upon their prisoner, so that everything chokes and stifles there. There is nothing but thick darkness, without the least glimpse of light ; and yet, I know not how it is, though there is no light, yet one sees all that can afflict the sight.
Our Lord was not pleased I should see any more of hell at that time. But afterwards I had another vision of most terrible things, as punishments inflicted for certain particu lar vices; and these, as far as I could judge of them by the sight, seemed to be more hideous than the former. But as 1 did not feel the pain, they did not give me so much fear. But in this other vision, our Lord was pleased that I should really feel those torments, and that affliction of spirit, as if my very body had been suffering them. I knew not how all this could be ; but I understood very clearly that it was a great favor, and that our Lord was pleased I should see, by the light of my own eyes, from what place His great mercy had delivered me. It is nothing to have heard people talk of hell, nor to have meditated on several kinds of torments ; all is nothing to this, since it is quite a different thing ;. and, indeed, the torments of this world are no more than a mere picture ; and the burning here in this life is but a trifle in comparison with the fire of hell. I was so astonished and amazed at this sight (and so I am even now while I am writing, though it happened six years ago), that at the thought of it my blood seems to chill in my veins through fear And whatever troubles or pains I now suffer, if I do but eall to my remembrance what I then endured, immediately all that can be suffered in this life seems to be nothing at all. 1 therefore say again, that this was one of the greatest favors which our Lord has ever shown me ; for it has been
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of very great benefit to me, both in nuiking me lose all fear about the tribulations and contradictions of this life, and giving me strength to bear them ; and also in teaching me to give thanks to our Lord, for delivering me (as I may now hope) from those dreadful and never-ending torments.
Since that time all seems easy to me, in comparison of one moment of such suffering as I endured there. I wondered, that having so often read books which give an account of some of the torments of hell, I yet feared them so little, and did not regard them as I ought to have done. Considering in what state I then was, I was also astonished to see how it was possible for me to take pleasure in anything, that was likely to bring me at last to so bad a place. Be Thou eter nally blessed, 0 my God ! For how well hast Thou made it appear, that Thou didst love me incomparably better than I did myself! How often, 0 Lord ! hast Thou delivered me from that dark and horrible dungeon ! And how often have I returned to cast myself in there again, even against Thy will ! Hence I feel very great pain for the many souls which are condemned to this prison, especially for the Lutherans, because they had once been members of the Church by their baptism.* . This jvas followed by strong impulses to do good to souls ; so that it seems to me very certain, that for the delivery of any one of them from such excessive torments, I could very willingly suffer many deaths. I consider that if we see a person in this world, whom we love dearly, in any great pain or affliction, it seems that our natural disposition invites us to compassion. And, therefore, to see a soul which is forever to endure that supreme affliction, and misery of all miseries, who shall be able to bear it ? Surely, no heart can endure it without great grief. And since in this world we are moved to so much compassion for those whose misery, at the farthest, is to end with their lives, I know not how we can be at rest, considering what a vast number of souls the devil daily takes with him to hell.
This also makes me desire, that in a business of so great importance, we should not be satisfied with less than doing all we can on our part, and leaving nothing unattempted ;
* These words are remarkable, as the saint alludes to the followers of Luther.
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and I beseech our Lord to give us His grace for this pur pose. When I consider, that although I was formerly very wicked, yet I was somewhat careful to serve God: nor did I then commit certain sins which are swallowed down by the world as if they were nothing ; and though I had endured most dreadful sickness, with much patience that our Lord gave me, and I was also not inclined to murmur, or to detract, or to speak ill of anybody ; nor was I covetous or envious, as far as I can remember, in any way, so as grievously tc offend God, for though I was so wicked, I usually had the fear of God before me; yet, notwithstanding all this, I setf where the devils had provided me a lodging : hence I con clude, that it is a dangerous thing we should take our plea sure here ; and that a soul ought to take no rest, which is frequently falling into mortal sin. Let us, for the love of God, remove all occasions thereof, for our Lord will help us, as He has done me. May His Majesty vouchsafe to hold me fast in His hand, that so I may not relapse any more ; for in that case I see to what place I must go : but I beseech our Lord not to suffer such a calamity to happen, for the sake of what His Majesty is. Amen.
Having now seen all these great things, and heard many secrets, which our Lord through His mercy was pleased to show me, concerning the glory which is prepared for the good, and the torments prepared for the wicked ; and desir ing, therefore, to find out some way and method whereby I might do penance for all the sins I had committed, and be enabled to do something towards obtaining so great a glory, I was desirous of flying from the world, and avoiding once for all the company of men. My heart could find no rest, but this restlessness was not troublesome to me, but sweet and delightful. It was evident it came from God, and that His Majesty had given heat enough to my soul — for digest ing other stronger meats than she had before eaten. And now I began to consider what I could do for God : the first thing I thought of was to follow the " call" which He had given me to a religions life, and to observe my rule with the greatest possible perfection. And though there were in the house where I lived many servants of God, by whom He was greatly served, yet as they were in great want of temporal 25*
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means, many of the nuns were often obliged to go abroad to seek assistance ; still they did so with all due decorum and piety ; and besides, that house was not founded according to the first rigor of the rule, but that rule only was observed which was conformable with all the rest of the Order, accord ing to the Bull of the Pope, granting a relaxation. Theie were also some other inconveniences : it seemed to me, also, that the place was too good, as the house was large and pleasant ; but the inconvenience of leaving the monastery had become very troublesome to me, though formerly I had frequently indulged in it, because some persons, whose wishes the Superiors could not refuse, were pleased that I should accompany them when they went out ; and the Superiors, being importuned by them, commanded me to do so : and thus by this means I grew accustomed to remain but seldom in the monastery. The devil, also, was sure to be instru mental in helping me not to remain at home ; for by my imparting to some of the religious there what I had learnt from those with whom I used to converse, they derived much advantage. Being once in the house with a certain person, she happened to say, both to me and to others, " What would you think if we were to become nuns, like those who are called Discalced, for it might be possible to form a monas tery of that kind ?" As I had the same desires, I began to talk over the matter with this widow, who was my companion, and of whom I have spoken before, for she had the same desires as myself. She then began to consider how she could endow the monastery with rent ; but I soon saw there was no great probability of that, though the desire she had of doing so made us believe it might be possible. But I, on the other hand (as I found the greatest pleasure in the house where I was, because it was in accordance with my own satis faction, and the cell in which I dwelt was very convenient), delayed all I could the execution of my design, though we did resolve to recommend it earnestly to Almighty God.
One day after I had communicated, His Majesty earnestly commanded me " to endeavor to accomplish this object with all my strength," promising me, at the same time, '• that the monastery should certainly be established, and that He would be greatly served in it ; that it should be called by the name
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of St. Joseph ; that He himself would guard us at one gate, and His Mother our Lady at another ; that He would continue with us, and that the place would become like a star, which of itself would shine with great splendor . and that though other convents were then relaxed, yet men must not think He was but little served therein ; and what would become of the world, were it not for religious orders ?" I was told to inform my confessor of all that had been said to me, and that our Lord wished him not to oppose my design, nor put any obstacle in the way. This vision was followed by such great effects, that the " words" used therein were uttered in such a manner, that I could not possibly doubt of their hav ing come from Grod. Still I experienced the greatest afflic tion, because all the labors and trials this project would cost were represented to me. I considered how extremely happy I was in my first house ; and though formerly I began to think about this matter, it was not with any determination and certainty that it would succeed. It seemed, however, that the reward I should have for accomplishing it was placed before me ; yet when I foresaw what great trouble the under taking would give me, I began to doubt about what I should do. But our Lord again spoke to me so many times on the subject, and represented to me so many reasons for under taking it, that I saw clearly it was His will I should do so ; and I thought of nothing else but of acquainting my confessor with the matter, and I gave him in writing what had taken place. He did not dare expressly to command me to aban don the project ; but he saw little hopes of accomplishing it, judging humanly, because my companion, who was the per son to commence the work, had but little means. He told me to speak on the subject with my Superior, and that I should do exactly as he told me. But I did not mention these visions to that Superior. The lady, however, spoke to him on the matter, and told him she wished to erect a new monastery. The Provincial very readily gave his consent, for he was a friend to all religious orders ; and so he gave all the liberty and power that were necessary, and told her that he would admit and accept the house. They then settled the revenue which the house was to have ; and we never wished the community to consist of more than thirteen reli-
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gious : and this for many reasons. But before we finally settled the matter, we wrote to that holy man, Friar Peter of Alcantara, and told him all that had passed : he advised us to proceed with our design, and not abandon it, and gave us his opinion upon the whole affair.
But as soon as our intention began to be known in the town,* there instantly arose such a violent storm of perse cution as cannot be described in words. The scoffs, the jeers, the laughter, the exclamations that it was a ridiculous, silly undertaking, were more than I can describe. They said it was better for me to remain where I was ; but they perse cuted my companion to such a degree that they quite afflicted her. As for myself, I knew not what to do; for it seemed as if they had some reason for what they did. In this dis tress I recommended myself to God, and then His Majesty began to comfort and encourage me, and told me, " that now I might see through what difficulties those saints had passed, who were the founders of religious Orders in the Church ; and that I was to suffer many more persecutions than I could imagine, but that I must not be troubled at them." He told me also some things which I was to tell my companion ; and that which astonished me most was, that we were instantly consoled respecting what had passed, and encouraged to bear up against all trials that were to come. I am quite certain that there was hardly any person of prayer who did not oppose us : and indeed all in the town were entirely against us and all thought the undertaking was a most foolish thing.
The trouble and disturbance which the affair excited in the monastery were so great, that even the Provincial, thinking it woiild be rash to act in opposition to every one, changed his former opinion, and was now unwilling to admit the foundation of the house. He said, " the revenue was too small, and also not very certain, and that the opposition was too great." He seemed to have reason on his side : in a word, he gave up the affair altogether, and would not admit the house. We, who had already received the first blows on our head, were greatly troubled at this change in the Provincial ; and especially was I afflicted to see the Pro-
* Avila.
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vincial opposed to us, for had he. approved of the under taking, then every one would have freed me from blame. But to my companion people were not so favorable ; they left her to herself; for they said she was bound to take away the scandal.
She went, therefore, to a very learned man, who was a great servant of God, and belonged to the Order of St. Dominick, and told him all that had passed, and gave him an account of the whole business. This happened before the Provincial had given it up, for now no one in the whole town would give us his opinion on the matter, and therefore they might justly assert, as indeed they did, that the project originated only in our own head. But this lady gave the holy man an account of the whole affair, and mentioned that the revenue she intended to settle on the monastery came out of her own estate, and she wished he would assist us, because he was the most learned man in the town at that time, and there were few so learned in th whole Order. I told him likewise, all that we intended to do, and gave him some reasons for the undertaking : but I did not mention any of my revelations ; I only dwelt on those natural motives which struck me, because I wished him not to give any opinion but what was conformable to them. He an swered, that he wished to have eight days to consider the matter ; he also asked us, whether we were determined to do whatever he should tell us ; and I assured him we were. But, though I said so much, and methinks I would have done as I promised, yet, never did I lose the confidence that the monastery would be established. The faith and confi dence of my companion were still greater than my own, for, whatever people might say to her, she was resolved never to give up the project. But, though I considered it was quite certain the work would be done, so deeply was I convinced the above revelation was true (provided that it contained nothing against Holy Scripture, or the decrees of the Church, which we are bound to observe) : yet, though I con sidered the revelation was really from God, still, if this learned m;m had told me that we could not effect our design without offending our Lord and going against a good con science, I think I should instantly have abandoned it, and
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sought for some other means ; but our Lord gave me no other but this. This servant of God told me, some time afterwards, that he had carefully considered the matter, and had come to the resolution of doing all in his power to induce us to abandon the undertaking, because the opposition of the people had already come to his ears, and also because every one considered it to be a foolish thing. And a certain gen tleman, as soon as he heard that we intended to speak with the Father, sent word to him, and advised him to consider well what he did, for he would not help us. But now, when he began to consider what answer he should return, and to reflect seriously on the matter, and upon the intention we had, and what regularity and devotion we intended to intro duce into the monastery, he came to the conclusion that its establishment would tend much to the honor of God, and that we should on no account abandon our object ; and hence he advised us to make all possible haste to bring the matter to a conclusion, and he gave us his own opinion as to the best method we should adopt ; and he told us, that though the revenue was small, God was to be trusted, and that whoever opposed the design should be sent to him, for he knew , well what answer to give ; and thus he always assisted us, as I shall afterwards declare.
With these words we went away much comforted ; and we found that some holy persons who had before been opposed to us, were now much more satisfied and quiet, and amongst them was that devout cavalier, of whom I have made mention above, who, knowing that our Order aimed at great perfection, as indeed it does, because it is wholly founded on prayer, he gave us his opinion, that however difficult the means seemed to be, having no appearance of success, yet, it may happen to be an undertaking inspired by God. Now our Lord may have disposed him to be of this mind, and the priest also, — that servant of God, who was the first (as I mentioned) to give his opinion, and who is a pattern for all the town, and one whom God preserves there for the advancement of many souls : this person now came forward to assist me in the business. We had thus so far succeeded, by the help of many prayers, for we bought a house, though a small one, in a good part of the town )
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but its smallness did not trouble ir« at all, for our Lord had told me before that I should take possession as well as I could, and that afterwards I should see what His Majesty would do ; and this promise I have seen strictly performed. And thus, though I found we had but little means, yet I believed our Lord would so arrange matters that we should be assisted in other ways.