CHAPTER XXXI.

SHE TREATS OF CERTAIN EXTERIOR TEMPTATIONS AND REPRESENTA TIONS OF THE DEVIL, ETC.
As I have already spoken of some interior and secret temptations which the devil brought on me, so now I wish to speak of others which were in some manner public, and in which one could not be ignorant that the evil spirit was the agent.
I was once in a certain oratory, when he appeared to me on my left side, in an abominable figure. I observed his mouth in particular while he spoke to me, and it was most terrible ; for it seemed tj me that a very great flame came out of his body. He told me in a terrible manner, " that though I had escaped his hands, yet he would bring me back again." I was exceedingly terrified, but I blessed my self as well as I could, and he vanished away : but presently he returned again : this happened to me twice, and I knew not what to do. But as I had some " holy water " near me, I threw it towards the place where he was, and he never re turned more. Another time he was for five hours to gether tormenting me with terrible pains, joined with such interior and exterior disquiet, that it seemed impossible for me to endure it. The women who were then with me were astonished to see what passed ; but they knew not what to do, nor could I help myself. My custom is, when any corporal sickness or pain is very intolerable, to make certain acts of resignation within myself, as well as I can, beseeching our Lord that His Majesty may be pleased to give me patience, and that I may so suffer, if He please, even until the end of the world. Whenever then I found myself suffering with 24
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so much pain, I helped myself by making some such acts and resolutions, that so I might bear it the bettor. Our Lord was pleased I should understand that T was tempted by the devil, for I saw near me a very horrible little negro, gnash ing his teeth like one raging rnad, as if he had lost something which he hoped to have gained. As soon as I saw him, I laughed, and showed no fear at all, for there were some per sons near who knew not what to do with me in this case, nor what remedy to apply for so great a torment ; for the blows he made me give myself were very severe, and I had n« power at all to resist him ; and what was still worse, I felt so great inward disquiet, that I could in no way find any rest : neither did I dare to ask for " holy water," lest I should terrify those who were present, or let them know what the matter was. I have often found by experience, that there is nothing from which the devils fly more quickly, and return not again, than from " holy water ;" they fly also from a cross, but return again immediately. Certainly, the power of " holy water " must be great ; for my part, my soul feels a particular comfort in taking it ; and very generally a refresh ment and interior delight which I cannot express, and which comforts my whole soul. This is no fancy, or a thing which has happened to me only once ; it has happened very often, and been observed by me with great attention. It seems like as if a person, who was suffering with heat and thirst, should drink a glass of cold water, which would greatly re fresh him. I consider also, that whatever is ordained by the Church is of much importance ; and it is a subject of great delight to me, that those words which the Church uses when she blesses the water, should be so powerful in making such a difference between blessed and unblessed water. I told those who were present, as my torment did not cease, that if they would not laugh at me, I would beg some " holy water" of them. They brought me some, and sprinkled me with it, but it did me no good : I sprinkled some myself in the place where the devil was, and in an instant he departed, and all my pains went away also, as if some one had removed them with his hand, except that I found myself as tired as if I had been severely beaten. I afterwards considered, that if the devil, when our Lord permits him, is able to do so much mischief
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to us in body and soul, even when we are not his, what will he do to them who shall fall entirely into his power ! This considera tion gave me fresh desires to be free from such ill company.
Another time, and that very lately, the same thing hap pened to me when I was alone, though it did not last long ; then also I drove the devil away by " holy water." Two nuns who came into the room after he had departed, said that they smelt a very disagreeable stench, as of brimstone ; and these persons were well worthy of credit, for on no Account would they tell an untruth ; I myself, however, did not smell anything, though I was told that the smell continued so long that others might have perceived it. Another time I was in the choir, when I fell into a state of deep recollection, and I went away lest others might perceive it ; but all the nuns who were near, heard great blows given in the place where I was kneeling, I also heard persons talking near me, as if they were debating about some busi ness, though I understood not the conversation, for I was so 6xed in prayer that I understood nothing, neither had I any fear. This used to happen almost every time when our Lord did me the favor to confer a benefit on some soul or other by iny advice. It is certain that something happened to me once, which I shall now relate ; and there are many witnesses of it, especially my present confessor, for he read it in a letter without my telling him who the person was that wrote the letter, though he knew well who the individual was.
A certain person came to me, who had lived about two years and a half in a most abominable mortal sin ; and during all that period he neither confessed it, nor reformed himself, but yet he presumed to say mass. And though he confessed his other sins, yet respecting that one he used to say to himself, " How can I ever confess so foul a crime!" Still he was desirous of freeing himself from it, but knew not how. I took great compassion on him, and was grieved to see God offended in such a way. I promised him to beg of God to grant him some remedy, and that I would prevail on others also to do the same, who were much better than myself. I accordingly wrote to a certain person about him, sending my letter by the individual himself: and it so hap pened that by this first letter he confessed his sin •, and thus
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God was pleased, by the prayers of these very holy persons (I also, miserable sinner that I am, not failing to beg this favor the best I could), to extend His mercy to this soul. The individual wrote to inform me, that he was already so far reformed, that some days had passed in which he had not returned to the sin, but that the torment which the temptation caused was so great, that he considered himself to be in a kind of hell, and therefore that I must still re commend him to God. Upon this I again recommended him to my sisters, by whose prayers our Lord was pleased to do me the favor, for they took the matter exceedingly to heart. No one could guess who the person was : and I be sought HH Majesty to lessen his torments and temptations, and that those devils might come and torment me, provided that I might not offend our Lord in anything. And it is quite true that, shortly after this, I endured most grievous torments for a month ; and these two afflictions which I have mentioned happened at that time. But our Lord was pleased, as I have since learnt, that the devils should not afflict that person any more : his soul was strengthened and became quite free, so that he could not be satisfied with giving than,ks to our Lord, and to me also, as if I had done anything: the conviction, however, which he had, that our Lord sometimes bestowed favors on me, might have been of some benefit to him. He used to say, that whenever he found himself greatly assaulted, he was accustomed to read my letters, and that then the temptation immediately left him. He was nnjch amazed to hear what I suffered, and the manner how he himself came to be free. May our Lord be praised by all men ; for the prayers of those who truly serve Him, as I believe my sisters do in this house, can do much : but because I had procured those prayers, the devils were exasperated against me, and our Lord permitted it for my sins. About this time one night I thought they would have strangled me ; but as soon as I had a quantity of "holy water" sprinkled on me, I saw a multitude of them falling, as it were headlong, and running away in despair. So frequently do these cursed spirits torment me, and so little is the fear I now have for them, seeing that they are not so much as able to stir unless our Lord give them
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leave, that I should weary your Reverence if I related everything.
What I have already said may serve to show us, that a true servant of God need give himself little trouble about these scarecrows which the devils set up in order to make us fear them : let him be assured that every time they see we despise them they have less strength against us, and the sou] acquires more power over them. Some great advantage is also gained, which I will not here relate, lest I should be too tedious. But I will only relate what happened to me at night, on All Souls. Being in an oratory, and having re cited matins, and also those other devout prayers which are at the end of them in our Breviary, the devil put himself on the book, that I might not finish the prayer : but I blessed myself, and then he went away. I began again, and he returned again ; and I think the like happened three times ;. and until I had thrown some " holy water" at him, I could not succeed in driving him away. I saw that some souls were freed from Purgatory at the moment, and that little was wanting for their deliverance ; and I thought that the devil wished to raise some obstacle. It is seldom that I have seen the devil in any particular form, but many times I have seen him without form, as I did a vision ; for as I have mentioned, one sees very clearly that he is there without form : this I wish to relate, because I was greatly astonished thereat.
Being one day in a certain monastery, and in the choir, upon Trinity Sunday, I was in a rapture, and saw a great contention of devils against angels. I knew not at the time what this vision meant; but before a fortnight I understood the contention, by a great disagreement which happened between some persons who were given to prayer and many others who were not so : and there came a great deal of harm to the house on account of this contention, which continued long, and caused much confusion. At another time I saw a multitude round about me ; but it seemed to me that I was encompassed with a great light, which did not allow them to approach me. I understood by this, that our Lord kept them from coming near me, in such a way that they might not make me offend God. By what I had sometimes found in myself, I understood it was a true vision ; the fact is, that "24*
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now I know well what little power they have whenever I go not against God, that I do not fear them at all ; for their strength is a mere nothing, unless they find the souls whom they attack to be cowardly, and that they yield to them ; then, indeed, they show their power. Sometimes in the temptations I have already mentioned, it seems that all the vanities and weaknesses of my former life revive within me, so that I have need to recommend myself frequently to God ; then I was presently tormented with the apprehension that all came from the devil, till at last my confessor comforted me ; for then it seemed to me, that even the first motion of an evil thought ought not to be entertained by one who had received such great favors from our Lord. At other times I am tor mented to see myself so much esteemed, and especially now that eminent persons should esteem me so much, and speak such good things of me. In this I have suffered and still suffer much ; and presently I consider the life of Christ and of the saints, and methinks I walk in a way very contrary to theirs, because they endured nothing but contempt and in juries. This consideration makes me so fearful, that I can scarcely dare to raise up my head, and would be glad not to be seen : this does not happen to me when I am suffering persecution, however much I may be afflicted in body or mind ; for then my soul seems to be mistress in such a way that I know not how it can be, but still she then seems to be in her kingdom, and to tread all things under her feet. This hap pened sometimes, and lasted many days ; and it appeared to me to be virtue and humility, but now I am sensible it was a temptation : and a Dominican Father, who was a learned man, declared this to me very clearly. "When I thought that those favors which our Lord was pleased to show me would be publicly known, it was so excessive a torment to me, that it troubled my soul exceedingly. I thought I could more willingly have consented to be buried alive ; and so when I began to have those very great recollections and rap tures, in such a way that it was impossible for me to resist them, I remained afterwards so confounded with "shame, that I wished to be where no one could see me.
Being once extremely afflicted at this, our Lord asked me, "What I was so much afraid of1? Only one of these two
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things could happen in this matter, viz., either that they would murmur against me, or else that men would praise Him ;" meaning, that they who believed it would praise Him, and that they who did not believe it would condemn me with out any fault of mine ; and that as both these things would prove an advantage to me, I had no reason to be thus troubled. These words comforted me very much, and do comfort me still, whenever I call them to mind. The tempta tion went so far, that I was desirous of leaving this place, and of retiring to some other monastery, which was much more enclosed than that in which I am at present ; and I liked it the more, because I had heard it praised exceedingly. It was also a house of my Order, and very far off, and this it is which comforts me, to be in a place where I am un known ; but my confessor would never give his consent. These fears greatly deprived me of liberty of spirit, and afterwards I came to understand that this was no good humility, since it gave me so much disquiet : our Lord then taught me this truth, that if I were convinced and assured I had no good whatever in me, but that it all came from God, it would follow, that just as I was not sorry to hear other persons praised, but was rather glad and greatly comforted, that in them God made Himself manifest, so neither should I be sorry that His works should be shown in me also.
I fell also into another extreme, which was to beg of God, making particular prayer for this purpose, that when any person should entertain a good opinion of me, His Majesty would be pleased to declare my sins to him, in order that he might see how, without any merit of mine, it had pleased our Lord to show me favors ; and this I always earnestly desire. My confessor bade me not ask it ; but hitherto, till very lately, if I saw any one who had a very good opinion of me, I made known my sins to him by circumlocutions, or by whatever way I could ; and, by this means, I thought I found ease. A scruple, however, was raised in my mind thereby, for, in my opinion, this proceeded not from humility, but from a temptation. Many persons came to me, and it seemed that I deceived them all ;. and they were indeed deceived if they thought there was any good whatever in me ; still, I had no desire to deceive them, nor did I ever intend any such
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thing, but our Lord allows it for some object nor would 1 ever have mentioned any of these matters, even to my con fessors, had I not been convinced it was necessary ; otherwise, I should have had great scruples. But now I perceive, that all these fears, and troubles, and excessive humility, do savor of much imperfection, and proceed from a want of mortification ; for a soul perfectly resigned into the hands of God, is no more troubled at being spoken ill of, than well of, if once she is deeply convinced (and our Lord wishes to grant her this grace) that she has nothing at all of herself. But let her confide in Him who imparts this favor, and she will know why He discovers it ;. and, in the mean time, let her prepare herself for persecution, for she will certainly meet with it in such an age as this, when our Lord wishes to maka it known that He bestows such favors on her. On one of such souls a thousand eyes are fixed, whereas there will not be one fixed on a thousand other souls, who act in a different way. There is really much reason to fear, and this ought to have been my fear, for the other was not humility but pusillanimity. A soul which God thus permits to be exposed to the eyes of the world, should prepare herself to be a martyr of that same world : for if she will not die to it, she will die by it.
I see nothing in this world which seems good to me, except that it does not allow the least imperfection in virtuous souls, and thus by means of their murmurs against them, they become more perfect. But there is need of greater fortitude for one who is yet imperfect to walk on in the way of perfection, than even to become a martyr at once. Per fection is not acquired in a short time, unless by some one to whom our Lord, by a particular privilege, may be pleased to grant this favor. But when the world sees a person begin ning to wish to be perfect, then it immediately considers him quite perfect, and will notice any fault in him, however trifling, and perhaps will condemn him for that which, in reality, is a virtue ; and the person who condemns him may be accustomed to commit the self-same fault, through a bad habit, judging of others by himself. Thus people wish (as soon as they see an individual resolved to serve God) that he should neither eat nor sleep, nor even draw breath, if
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possible ; and the more they esteem such a person, the more apt are they to forget, that however perfect a soul may be, she is still in the body and lives upon the earth, subject to all the miseries thereof, even should she tread the whole world under her feet. Therefore, do I still say, there is need of great courage, because the world wishes a poor soul to fly, which has not yet begun to walk. She has not yet overcome her passions, and still people will expect her to remain in great temptations as firm and as solid as they have read the saints did, after they had been confirmed in grace. Here we have reason to praise God, and, at the same time to be afflicted to the heart, to see so many souls turn bad again ; for they know not, poor creatures, what to do foi themselves : so, I believe, such would have been my case, il our Lord, in His infinite mercy, had not supported me. Till He did so, out of His own goodness, your Eeverence has already seen that I did nothing but rise and fall. I would gladly be able to relate how this happened, because I am persuaded that many souls are deceived before God gives them wings.
I think I have already made use of this comparison ; but it suits my subject very well, for I find many persons much afflicted on this account. As for instance, when they begin with great desires and resolutions, to go forward in the way of virtue (and some abandon even everything for love thereof, as far as the exterior goes) ; and when they see others more advanced than themselves, and raised by the graces God has bestowed on them to a degree of virtue they cannot attain ; and when they read in books which treat of prayer and contemplation, the means of arriving thereat, and which they find themselves incapable of practicing, then they are afflicted and lose courage. These means are, to care little or nothing about being spoken ill of, but rather to take more pleasure in it than when they praise us ; to have little esteem for honors ; to be disengaged from kindred, and not to be desirous of conversing with theifi, unless they be people of prayer, and so with regard to n any other things of this kind, which must, in my opinion, be given by God, because they appear to me to be supernatural blessings, and very contrary to our natural inclinations. But let them not be
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afflicted, but trust in the Lord, that so what they now have in desires, His Majesty may afterwards be pleased to give them in effect by means of prayer, and by doing on their part what they can. It is very necessary for this weak nature of ours, to have great confidence, and not to be dis mayed, but to remember, that if we act with courage, we shall come off with victory. And because I have much experience in this matter, I will speak a word or two to your Reverence, by way of advice : and you must not think (though it may appear to be true) that this virtue can be gained, unless we have first experienced the contrary to it. We must always be fearful and careful, as long as we live, for our weakness will stick close to us, unless (as I was say ing before) grace is given to us, that we may know the value of every earthly good, and that in this life there can be no advantage, which is not attended with many dangers. It seemed to me, some few years ago', that not only was I not attached to my relations, but rather that I was weary of them ; and it is very certain that there were times when I could not so much as endure their conversation. But after wards there arose a business of great importance, which obliged me to remain with a sister of mine, whom I had for merly loved with great affection. But when I came again to converse with her, we did not remain long together ; for, though she was better than I was, yet, as her state was dif ferent from mine, since she was married, the conversation was not always what I could have wished, and therefore I ondeavored to be alone as much as I could. I found, also, that her affairs gave me much more trouble and care than those of my neighbors ; and so I came to understand that I was not so free as I thought I was ; but that it was still necessary for me to avoid occasions of sin, in order that this virtue which our Lord had begun to give me might increase ; and I have endeavored, through His favor, to proceed in this manner ever since.
When our Lord begins to give virtue to a soul, it ought to be held in great esteem, and on no account should we expose it to the danger of being lost : this holds good in things regarding our reputation and honor, and in many Other cases. Be your Reverence assured, that we who think
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ourselves to be entirely disengaged from all things, are not so in reality ; and hence we have great need to be careful in this respect, for whoever feels in himself any care for the point of honor, let him believe me, if he wish to gain profit to his soul, that there is at the end of it a chain which no file can divide, but God's grace, united with prayer and our own endeavors ; and this chain seems to me so strong, that I am not surprised at the evil it produces. I know some persons whose actions are so holy and so great, that we can not help admiring them, and exclaiming, "0 my God! how comes it that such a soul is still upon the earth 1 Is she not already at the top of perfection? What is this 1 What can keep such a soul on earth, which does such great things for God "?" I answer, some point of honor detains her ; and what is still worse, she is unwilling to believe there is any such thing : and this happens because the devil makes her think that she is obliged to take care of it. But let people listen to me ; for the love of our Lord, I beg of them to believe me, a poor little miserable ant, whom our Lord wishes to speak : be assured, that unless they free themselves from this cater pillar, though it may not destroy the tree entirely, because some other virtues perhaps remain, though worm-eaten, yet it will never be a beautiful tree, nor will it ever flourish in itself; no, nor even allow any others to flourish that grow near it, because the fruit of good example which it gives is not wholesome, nor does it last long. I say again and again, when any point of honor is to be maintained, however incon-v siderable it may be, it is like the stop of an organ ; when the tone is not correct, the whole of the sound is grating : this is a matter which does harm in every way ; but in this way of prayer it is a very pestilence.
For then we endeavor to join ourselves to God by the way of union, and we desire to follow the counsels of Christ, loaded with injuries and false testimonies, and yet, at the same time, we wish to be very careful of our honor and repu tation. But it is not possible ever to arrive at our journey's end, without walking along the same road our Lord went. Our Saviour then comes to a soul, when we endeavor to cor respond with His grace, and to give up, in many things, even that which is our right. But some perhaps will say,
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" I have no opportunity of this kind, to give u.p something for His sake." I believe, that whosoever has such a resolu tion as this, our Lord will not suffer him to lose so great a good. His Majesty will ordain things in so many ways in order to gain this virtue, that he will wish he had not so many opportunities. Let us all then put our hands to the work ; for I wish to inform you, that those miserable nothings, or at least some of them which I performed, — those straws of which I have spoken, and which I cast into the fire, and which were fit for nothing else, — are all accepted by our Lord : may He be praised for ever. Amongst my other im perfections I was subject to this : I had very little knowledge of the Breviary, and of all that was to be performed in the choir ; and this happened by my being so careless and so given to vanities, while, at the same time, I saw other " Novices" who were able to teach me.
I did not ask them any questions, for fear they should discover my ignorance : but shortly after a good example was presented to me, and this favor is usually granted by God ; for when He had opened my eyes a little, I then asked (when I was in the least doubt, though I may have known the thing Very well) the little children to inform me : and so far from lessening myself in their esteem, our Lord was rather pleased, in my opinion, to give me a better memory. I was also a bad singer, and I was troubled if I had not learnt what I was commanded, not through fear of making any blunders in the presence of God (for that would have been a virtue), but because so many heard me ; and thus I was so disturbed, purely about my reputation, that I really acquitted myself much worse than I need have done. After wards I thought it better to tell the sisters plainly, that I could not sing well, which was really the case. At first I had some difficulty even in this, but afterwards I took plea sure in doing it, and thus it is quite true, that when a soul begins not to care about her faults being known, she per forms her duty much better. And when I renounced this unhappy desire of honor, which I fancied I could acquire in singing, and which every one places where he likes, I begnn to sing much better than before : and thus by performing such poor little acts as these, His Majesty is pleased to give
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them worth and vtilue, because they are done for His sake, though in reality, they are nothings, and I am sure I am nothing. lie also helps us to perform greater things ; and so it happened to me in matters concerning humility, by seeing that all the sisters advanced, except myself, for I was never good for anything ; when, however, they left the choir, I would stay to fold up their mantles; for it seemed to ine as if they were angels who were there singing the praises of our Lord ; this I continued to do till they came to hear of it, and then I was not a little ashamed, for my virtue was not so far advanced as to desire they might know this cir^ cumstance, not because I was humble, but only lest they might laugh at me, because I was so completely good for nothing.
0 my Lord ! what confusion ought I not to have in behold-^ ing so much wickedness, and in counting such little miserable grains of sand, which I did not even raise from the earth for Thy honor, but all was wrapt in a thousand imperfections ; for the water of Thy grace had not yet flowed from beneath those sands, to make them rise up. 0 my Creator ! would that I had something valuable to mention among so many sins, since I have been commanded to relate those great favors which I have received from Thee ! 0 my Lord ! it is true that I know not how my heart can endure the thought, nor how any person who reads this account can help abhor ring me, when he sees such immense favors so ill repaid, and that I am not ashamed to mention these services, as if they were mine. But my not having anything else to mention which I could call my own, makes me declare these base beginnings of mine, in order that whoever may have made greater and better beginnings may have good hopes, since He who has accepted my poor beginnings as a kind of pay ment, will certainly accept those others which are so much better than mine. May His Majesty give me grace, not always to continue in these things, which are only begin nings. Amen.
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