CHAPTER XXX.

SHE RESUMES THE HISTORY OF HER LIFE, AND MENTIONS HOW OCR LORD REMEDIED MANY OF HER TROUBLES BY MEANS OF ST. PETER OF ALCANTARA, ETC.
WHEN I observed the little or nothing I was able to effect towards resisting these great impetuosities, I began to fear my having them ; for I could not understand how it was pos sible that pain and joy could be united ; that corporal pain and spiritual joy were compatible, T knew very well ; but that so excessive a spiritual pain should be compatible with so extraordinary a spiritual joy, did quite astonish me. Still, I did not omit resisting it, though yet I had such little power in this respect, that I sometimes grew weary. I armed myself with the cross, with the desire of defending myself from Him, who by His death, defended and succored us all. I saw that no one understood me, though I dared not say so to any one but my confessor, for then people would have had some reason to say that I had no humility.
Our Lord was pleased to remedy a great part of my trouble, and for that time all of it, by bringing to Avila that blessed man, Father Peter of Alcantara, of whom I have already made mention, and said something of his austerities : among other things I was assured, that for twenty years he contin ually wore a garment of iron plate, in the form of a hair cloth. He is the author of certain little books of prayer in Spanish, which are now much used ; for as he was well versed in prayer, he wrote very profitably on it, and gave excel lent rules to those who practiced it. He observed the first rule of St. Francis in all its rigor, and did other things which I have mentioned before. When, then, a certain widow lady who was a great servant of God, and a particular friend of mine, came to know that so great a man was there : and as she was also aware of my troubles (for she was wit ness of my afflictions, and had comforted me on several occa sions, because her faith was so great, that she could not help believing I was directed by the spirit of God, though all others thought I was deceived by the devil : she had like- 23
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wise, a very good understanding, and was very cautious in her words, and knew how to keep a secret ; and to her our Lord was pleased to show great favors in prayer, and to give her a knowledge of those things, of which they who were learned were ignorant), my confessors gave me leave to treat with her on some matters, for she understood them in many ways, and sometimes she herself enjoyed part of those very favors which our Lord had bestowed upon me, together with having received certain instructions and admonitions which were very profitable to her soul. Without saying anything to me, she got leave from my Provincial that I might remain in her house for eight days, in order to be able the better to consult this holy man ; and so, both there and in several churches I spoke with him often, on this first occasion of his coming to Avila ; for afterwards I corresponded with him on many occasions. Having given him a short account of my life and manner of prayer, with the greatest possible clear ness, I found almost at the very first that he understood me by experience, which was indeed the only thing I stood in need of at that time ; for then I could not so well under stand those things, at least so far as to express them. I have always endeavored, however, to treat in truth and sin cerity with those to whom I committed the care of my soul :*] I also wished to make known to them even the first motions of my heart ; and, as regards those things which might, any way be doubtful or suspicious, I was wont to discuss them against myself with strong reasons ; hence I laid open my soul without any tlisguise or duplicity. Since that tune, our Lord has been pleased to make me understand and to express the favors which His Majesty bestows upon me : but before, it was necessary to have a person who had expe rienced these things, if I wished him perfectly to understand me, and to declare to me what was the meaning of every thing.
This good Father gave me very great light, for I could not by any means understand what those " visions" meant, which were not represented by the imagination ; and I thought also that I understood as little of those others, which I saw only with the eyes of my soul ; for, as I have said before, those only which were visible to the corporeal eye,
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seemed to me to be of any value ; and of these I hud received none at all. But this holy man enlightened me in every thing, and explained all things to me, and bade me not to be troubled, but to bless God, and be assured I was directed by His Spirit : and that, though it was no article of faith, yet nothing could be more certainly true, nor which I might more firmly believe. He seemed to feel much comfort in being with me^ and he showed me every courtesy and kind ness, and ever afterwards took great care of me, and com municated his affairs to me. Finding, also, that I had the same desires which he had already put into execution, and that I was likewise full of courage (for our Lord had given me great resolution), he took particular pleasure in speaking with me. Whenever our Lord brings any one to this state, there is no pleasure or comfort which can be equal to meet ing with such another person, to whom our Lord has given some beginnings of this same disposition ; for then I had not much more than a beginning, by what I can remember ; and God grant that I may have it yet. He had also very great compassion for me, and he told me, that one of the greatest afflictions of this life was that which I endured, viz., the contradiction of good men ; and that there was still a great deal for me to suffer, because I should always have need of help, and there was no one in that city who understood me, but that he would speak with my confessor, and with one of those also who gave me the most trouble, and this was that married gentleman, of whom I spoke before ; and, because he had a great esteem for me, he attacked me the most : he was, however, a man of a tender and holy soul ; arid, con sidering that lately before he had found out how wicked I was, he could not rest satisfied or secure. The holy man did as he said, for he spoke with those two persons, and gave them reasons and proofs to show they need not be uneasy, and that it was proper not to harass me any more. My con fessor needed few reasons, but the other gentleman so many, that these were not altogether sufficient, though yet they served to deter him from terrifying me so much.
We agreed that I should send Father Peter an account of the success I might meet with, from that time forward, and frequently to recommend one another to God ; for so deep
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was his humility, that he valued a little the prayers of this miserable creature, and this gave me great confusion. lie left me in possession of very great comfort and joy, and told me to continue my prayer in security, and to make no doubt that it came from God ; but that whenever I was in any doubt, I should, for my own greater security, mention what ever happened to my confessor, and that then I might con sider myself safe. But, notwithstanding all this, I could not rest so entirely secure, because our Lord was still pleased to conduct me by the way of fear, so that I was inclined to believe my prayer came from the devil, when people told me that it was so ; and thus no one was able to give me either so much fear or so much security, as to make me give more credit to either of them, than our Lord was pleased to infuse into my soul. Hence, though this holy man both helped and consoled me, yet I did not believe him so entirely, as to be without any fear at all, especially when our Lord some times, left me in troubles of mind, as I shall now relate ; but as I was saying, I nevertheless enjoyed much comfort.
I-could not then satisfy myself with giving thanks to God, and to my glorious Father St. Joseph, who, I thought, had brought the good Father to Avila ; for he was commissary- general of the convent of St. Joseph, to whom I used fre quently to recommend myself, as also to our Blessed Lady. It sometimes happened to me (and so it does still, though not so often), to find myself in such excessive troubles of mind, joined with such violent pains and torments of the body, that I knew not what to do with myself. At other times, I have been subject to corporal miseries, yet more grievous, but as I had not then such sorrows of mind, I endured them with great joy ; but when they came both to gether, the affliction was so great that it pained me ex ceedingly.
I then forgot all the favors our Lord had bestowed upon me : there only remained such a remembrance of them, as of something I had dreamt ; and this only served to give me so much more pain, for the understanding becomes dull to such a degree, that it made me fall into a thousand doubts and suspicions, thinking that I had not understood matters well before, and that, perhaps, I had followed fancies
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instead of truths, and that it was enough to be deceived my self, without trying to deceive so many good men. I also seemed to myself to be so very wicked, that methought all the evils and heresies which had lately sprung up were owing to my sins. This was a false kind of humility, which the devil invented to disquiet me, and to try if he could bring my soul into despair • and I know so well by experi ence that this is the work of the devil, that now, as he finds I understand him, he docs not so often torment me in this way, as he was accustomed to do.
This temptation is easily discovered, by the restlessness and disquiet with which it begins, and by the tumult which it causes in the soul all the time it lasts ; likewise, by the obscurity and trouble which it produces, and by a dryness and indisposition to prayer, or to any good at all ; for it seems both to stifle the soul and to bind up the body, so that it is fit for nothing. But true humility (though the soul knows herself to be wicked, and is grieved in consid ering what we are, and exaggerates her wickedness as greatly as I have already mentioned, and through these her sins are felt to be such) — comes not with any disorder, nor does it disturb the soul, or overcloud her, or cause in her any aridity ; but rather comforts her, and proceeds in a quite contrary way, with gentleness, sweetness, and delight; for, though she is troubled on one hand, yet she is comforted on the other, to see what a great favor our Lord bestows upon her, in allowing her to feel that pain, and in considering how well employed it is. She grieves, indeed, for having offended God, but then, on the other hand, his mercy cheers her up, and she has light to be confounded at herself, and to praise His Majesty for having borne with her so long. But in that other humility which the devil suggests, there is no light for anything that is good, but it seems to the soul as if God were ready to put every one to fire and the sword. He re presents the divine justice to her, and though she has faith in God's mercy, because the devil has no power to destroy that, yet, she believes in such a manner, that her faith gives her no comfort ; but rather when she considers God's great mercy, the tempter makes this serve for her greater torment, 23*
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because she thinks she ought to have served God so much the more.
This is a stratagem of the devil, and one of the most painful, the most subtle, and disguised that I have ever known, and therefore I wish your Reverence (lefct, perhaps, he might endeavor to teiiipt you in this way) to gain some light, and to know him well, if he leave you understanding enough to do so ; but do not fancy that knowledge and learning will be sufficient for this purpose ; for, though I want all this, yet, now as I have escaped from him, I clearly see that what he says is foolery and madness. I am sensible that our Lord is pleased to permit this temptation, and allow him leave to act thus, just as he tempted Job ; though, as I am so wicked a creature, He does not suffer the enemy to tempt me with so much fierceness.
It happened to me once, and I remember it was on the day preceding the Eve of Corpus Christ i, a festival to which I am much devoted, though not so much as I ought to be ; at that time this following event lasted but one day, but at other times it lasted for a week or a fortnight, and sometimes for three weeks or more, especially during Holy Week, which used to be my delight, in point of prayer. Methinks on these occasions, our Lord surprises my understanding in an instant with certain things, sometimes so very trivial, that at other times I would only have laughed at them, and He makes it stoop to whatever He pleases, so that the soul remains chained to it, without being mistress of herself, or being able to think of anything, except those impertinencies which the temptation represents, and which liave no substance at all, but serve only to choke the soul in such a manner, as not to allow her to be mistress of herself, hence I sometimes have thought, that the devil goes playing with a soul, as men would do with a ball, and she in the mean time has no means of delivering herself from their power. It cannot be ex pressed how much she suffers in this case ; and though she goes and seeks for some remedy, God permits her not to find any. She only retains, — and this she always does, — the power of her free will, though it is not clear, but like a man who has his eyes shut. And just as a person who has fre quently gone along the same way, who, though it were by
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night in the dark, yet knows where he may be in danger of stumbling, because he had noticed the same path in the day time, and thus he walks free from that danger ; so it hap pens to the soul, which now seems, merely through custom, not to offend God : I speak not here of that protection our Lord gives her, which, however, is of the greatest import ance.
Her faith then becomes dead, or, at least asleep ; as her other virtues also are, though yet they are not utterly lost, for she believes what the Church teaches, and she pro nounces it with her mouth ; while on the other side, the devil so harasses and deadens this faith, that she seems only to have such a knowledge of God as men have of things which they hear at a distance. Her love, also, is so luke warm, that if she hears God spoken of, she hearkens in such a manner as to believe He is what He is, because the Church teaches the doctrine, but she has lost all memory of what she has experienced in herself. To go and pray, or remain in solitude, is only to increase her affliction, for the torment which she then feels within herself, and yet without knowing the cause, is, in my opinion, insupportable ; it is a kind of picture of hell, as our Lord himself was once pleased to make me understand, in a vision He gave me. Here the soul burns within herself, without knowing by whom, or by what means she is set on fire, or how to escape from it, or how to quench it ; for, as to seeking to help herself by reading, it is like as if she could not read. I happened one day to read the life of a saint, to see if I could relish it, and thus com fort myself by the consideration of what he suffered ; ac cordingly I read half a dozen lines four or five times over, but though everything was written in my own tongue, I un derstood the account less at the end than I did at the begin ning, and so I gave over reading. This happened to me many times, and I remember it particularly.
To engage in conversation at that time is much worse, for the devil fills us then with such an unbearable spirit of anger, that it seems as if I could devour every one, without doing anything more ; yea, and methinks I act well in forbearing to do it; and that God shows him who is placed in this cir cumstance a particular favor, by preserving him from doing
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or saying anything against his neighbor, whereby he might prejudice him and offend God.
As to going to my confessor, what I shall here relate is certain, for it has happened to me very often, viz., that though they were saints with whom I Created at that time, and do still consult, yet they uttered such harsh words, and rebuked me with such asperity, that when I afterwards re peated their words they themselves would be amazed at them : and they told me it was not in their power to do otherwise. For though they fully resolved within themselves not to do it, and at other times had not only compassion on me, but even a kind of scruple to treat me so severely, when I was so full of affliction both in body and mind ; and though they had resolved to comfort me with kindness, yet they were not able to do it. They did not, however, use such ill lan guage towards me as to offend God thereby, but they would use words as offensive as could be heard from a confessor, intending thereby to mortify me ; and though at other times I could have endured this with joy, yet then it became a tor ment to me. Sometimes I thought I had deceived them, and then I would go to them, and advise them in good earnest, to be on their guard against me, lest I might deceive them. I knew well, however, that I would not wilfully deceive them, nor tell a lie ; but the truth is, I was afraid of everything. There was a certain person, who, having heard of this temp tation of mine, advised me not to be troubled at it, for though I should wish to deceive him, yet that he would have sense enough not to let me.
That which often gave me great comfort, at least most frequently, was, that I used to have some respite after I had communicated, and sometimes in the very instant of ap proaching the Blessed Sacrament, I became so perfectly well, both in soul and body, that it amazed me ; for it seemed that all the darkness of my soul was dispersed in a moment, and that upon the rising of this Sun, I immediately discov ered those fooleries wherein I was engaged. At other times, by hearing only one word which our Lord spoke to me in teriorly, such as " Be not afraid," or " Be not afflicted," I remained perfectly well ; and sometimes also by seeing some vision I became as if nothing ailed me. I then regaled my-
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self with God, and complained to Him for permitting me to suffer such great torments, though He repaid me well, be cause these afflictions were always followed with a great abundance of favors. Methinks the soul here comes, like gold, more pure and refined out of the crucible, by seeing our Lord within her ; and then all those troubles are accounted little which before seemed insupportable, and she desires to suffer them again, if our Lord could be served the better by them, and even to endure still greater persecutions and tribula tions, provided they could be endured without offending God : she rather rejoices to suffer for Him, since all tends to her own greater gain, though I never did bear them as I ought, but very imperfectly. At other times, troubles came upon me in another way, and this too so suddenly, that me- thinks I am then deprived of the possibility of thinking any thing good, or of desiring to do it, for that I have a body and a soul which are utterly useless and burdensome. But at these times I am not subject to these other temptations and disquiets, but only to a disgust for all things, without knowing why, so that nothing can give content to my soul. I endeavor on these occasions to occupy myself by the outward performance of some good works, and these I do as it were by force ; and I know well how little a soul can do when God's grace is hidden from her : but this does not give me trouble, for it gives me some satisfaction to behold my own baseness. At other times I find myself in such a state that I am utterly unable to form any distinct idea of God, nor indeed of any good in a solid manner ; nor can I then apply myself to prayer, though I am alone, and am sensible I know God. But I find it is my understanding and imagination which injure me on these occasions, for my will I think is good, and is disposed to all good : but this understanding of mine is so entirely lost, that it seems to me like some mad fool whom no one can bind, nor am 1 so far mistress of it as to make it quiet even for a few minutes. Sometimes I laugh at myself, and acknowledge my misery, and look at my soul and allow her to do what she likes : but thanks be to God, she never, for a wonder, applies to what is bad, but only to things indifferent, if anything is to be done here or there or anywhere. And here I know better
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the exceeding great mercy our Lord shows me, when he holds this fool (the imagination) bound in perfect contempla tion. I consider, also, what would become of me, if those persons who consider me to be good were to see me in the state I have described.
I have great pity on the soul to see her in such bad com pany. I wish to see her at liberty, and thus I speak to our Lord : " When, 0 my God ! shall I be able to see my soul united in singing Thy praises, that so all her powers may enjoy Thee ? Permit her not, 0 Lord, any more to be torn in pieces, for now it seems as if every one of them were running up and down in different ways." Such words I often repeat ; and sometimes I know well that the little corporal health I have, contributes much to these inconve niences. I also reflect much on the injury which original sin brought upon us ; for methinks it comes from this that we are incapable of enjoying so great a good, and that my own sins likewise form a part of this cause ; for if I had not committed so many, I should have remained more free in doing good. I also endured another very great inconveni ence, for I thought that I understood all the books which treat of prayer, and which I read ; and that as our Lord had already shown me such favors, I did not stand in need of these books, but applied myself to reading the lives of the Saints. And finding how much I fell short of what they had done for God, this seemed to do me good, and to give me strength : but yet I thought this was a sign of little humility, that I should fancy I had already arrived at that degree of prayer. And as I was not able to compose my self, I continued in great pain, till certain learned men, and especially that blessed Father Peter of Alcantara, declared to me that I was not to be troubled thereat. I know well that I have not yet so much as begun to serve God, though by His Majesty conferring favors on me is what He does to those who are good ; and yet I am imperfection itself, unless in my desires to love Him ; for in this respect I see well that our Lord has favored me, in order that I may be able to do something to serve Him. I certainly think I love Him ; but my actions, and the many imperfections I discover in myself, give me great uneasiness. At other times my
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soul falls into a kind of foolery : this is the case when I think I neither do good nor ill, but follow on the track of other people, as the saying is ; and this neither with pain, nor with glory, nor with thought of life or death, nor with plea sure, nor with pain : she even seeius to feel nothing at all : rather, she appears to go on like a little ass, which feeds himself because they give him something to eat ; and he eals almost without thinking what he is doing. And the soul, when she is in this state, cannot be without feeding on some great favors from God, since she is not troubled with living in such a miserable life as this, but passes through it with patience and equality of mind. But these feelings and effects are not experienced by her in such a way that she can understand herself by them.
It now seems to me as when men sail at sea by the breath of a very gentle wind, for then they move along without knowing how ; and so in these other cases the effects are so very great, that the soul almost instantly perceives her own improvement, and her desires immediately rise up, and never can she satisfy herself. They experience these great impetuosities of love to whom our Lord gives them ; and it is like certain little springs which I have observed to rise, where the sand never ceases to move upwards. This com parison seems natural to me, as applicdble to souls who have arrived at this state ; love is ever boiling upwards and considering what it can do ; it cannot contain itself, just as the water is not able to remain in the earth, but is cast up from it ; and so it is very usual with the soul not to be at rest in herself, through the love she has for God, with which she is so full that she wishes all other men would drink of it (since she herself has abundance) ; that so they might assist her in singing the praises of God. Oh ! how often do I call to mind that living water of which our Sa viour spoke to the Samaritan woman !* I am very fond of reading that part of the Gospel containing the account : it is very true that I was so even from my childhood, though I did not then understand the benefit as I do now ; but I often besought our Lord to give me this water to drink, and I had
* The Saint speaks more at lengthen this "living water" in her "Way of Perfection," already translated.
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a representation of it always near me, with this motto : " 0 Lord, give me this water." It seems to me likewise, that as a fire which is very great requires fuel to burn, in order not to be extinguished ; so for these souls of which I am speaking, it is necessary that they bring wood, however dear it may cost them, in order that this fire may not go out. But I am such a miserable creature myself, that I would be content if I had only straws to cast in. And so it often happens to me, that sometimes I laugh, and at other times I am in great affliction. An interior impulse which I have is ever exciting me to serve God in something (since I am not capable of doing great things), such as by gathering flowers, and making bouquets, and placing them around images and pictures, or by sweeping a room, and doing such like little offices which might humble me. And so also if I did any penance, it was all so very little, and so imperfectly done, that unless our Lord had been pleased to accept the desire for the deed, I saw clearly that I was good for nothing • and I quite laughed at myself. Again : it gives no small trouble to souls whom God in His goodness abundantly fills with this fire of His love, if they have no corporal strength to do something for Him. This is indeed a great affliction, because as strength is wanting to carry wood to this fire, it seems to me that the soul burns herself to ashes, or else dissolves into tears, and so is entirely consumed : this is a severe torment, though indeed it is sweet.
Let the soul who has arrived at this state praise our Lord exceedingly ; and if He have given her corporal strength to do penance, or learning and talents, and power to preach, and hear confessions, and bring souls to God, she knows not nor understands the great benefit she possesses, unless she feel what an affliction it is always to be receiving so much from God, and yet to be unable to do anything for His ser vice. May He be blessed by all men, and may the angels give him glory and honor. Amen.
I know not whether I do well in writing about so many Jittle things ; but since your Reverence has commanded me i ot to consider it any trouble to go into details, and that I must be sure to omit nothing, I have mentioned everything Which I can remember with clearness and with truth I
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cannot help, however, omitting many other things, the recital of which would take much more time (and you know I have but little at my command, as I have mentioned already); and when I had related them, they would perhaps be of little benefit to you.