CHAPTER XXIX.

THE SAINT CONTINUES THE SAME SUBJECT, AND MENTIONS CERTAIN GREAT FAVORS AVHICH OUR LORD SHOWED HER, AND WHAT HE SAID TO COMFORT AND CONSOLE HER, ETC.
I HAVE wandered much from my subject, in endeavoring to prove that what I have mentioned was not an effect of the imagination ; for how should we be able, by any study of our own, to represent the Humanity of Christ, and by our imagination to form any idea of such great beauty ? For this purpose no little time would be requisite, if we wished to represent anything which could in any manner resemble it. In the one case we may well represent it before our imagination, and stand looking at it for some time, and con sider His shape and complexion, and so go on perfecting the image by little and little, and impressing it on our memory, for who can take this power from the mind ? And this much I am able to do by the strength of my understanding. But in the present case, of which I am speaking, there is no means of doing this ; for we must behold it, when and how our Lord is pleased to represent it to us, and as he wishes ; nor can we diminish or add anything, nor use any means for this purpose, however much we may endeavor to do so, either towards our seeing it or forbearing to see it when we wish : and if we should desire to behold any particular ob ject, the sight of Christ is instantly lost. For two years and a half our Lord was very ordinarily pleased to grant me this 22*
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favor (which for more than three years He has changed for another of a higher kind, as I shall perhaps mention after wards) ; and then seeing how He would be speaking to me, while I was beholding His great beauty, and the sweetness with which He uttered those words, with His most lovely and divine mouth, and sometimes with rigor, I had a great desire to see the color of His eyes, and their size and shape, that so I might be able to describe them ; but never have I de served to behold them, nor could I gain my object by any diligence, but rather the vision was then entirely lost. And though sometimes I see He looks upon me with compassion, yet the sight is so overpowering that the soul is not able to endure it, but remains in so high a rapture, that in order to enjoy Him the more completely, she loses this beautiful spectacle.
Here it serves to little purpose, either to will or not to will anything ; and it is clearly seen, that our Lord desires nothing but our humility and confusion, and willingness to take whatever is given us, and to praise Him who gives it. This holds good in all true visions, without exception, viz., that one can do nothing at all, either for seeing more or less, and that all our diligence is neither able to do nor undo anything, because our Lord wishes us to see very clearly, that this is no work of ours, but belongs to His Majesty ; and hence we are so far from being proud by such favors, that they rather make us more humble and timorous, con sidering that as our Lord deprives us of the power of seeing what we desire, so He can also take all these favors from us, and His grace too, in such a manner that we may come to be utterly lost : we must, therefore, always walk in fear, as long as we live in this land of exile.
Our Lord has almost always represented Himself to me as risen again, and the same in the Sacred Host ; except that sometimes, in order to strengthen me when I am in tribulation, He showed me His wounds, as He was on the cross, or in the garden ; and a few times He appeared with His crown of thorns, and at other times carrying His cross : these happened, as I have said, only when I was in some trouble either of my own or from some other persons : but our Lord always appeared in His glorified flesh. By men-
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tioning these things I have suffered many affronts and vexations, and great persecutions and fears. People were even so certain that I was under the influence of the devil, that some persons wished me to be exorcised. This, how ever, gave me very little trouble ; but wh»t I felt the most was, to see my confessors afraid of hearing my confession, or when I came to know that tales were told to them about me. Still, on the whole, I know not how to be sorry for having seen these heavenly visions ; nor would I exchange any one of them for all the goods and pleasures of the world, for I always considered these " visions " to be great favors from our Lord, and I esteem them as most precious treasures, and our Lord himself has often assured me of this. I also observed, that thereby I began to love, our Lord the more, and to Him I went to complain of all my troubles, and always I came forth from prayer both with comfort and with new strength. As to these persons, I did not presume to contradict them, for I saw it made things worse, as they seemed to think it was want of humility ; I consulted my confessor, and whenever he found me afflicted, he always con soled me greatly.
As my visions began to increase, one of those who used before to assist me, and sometimes hear my confessions when my ordinary confessor was not in the way, began to tell me I was evidently deluded by the devil. He com manded me (since there was no other means of resisting him), " always to be crossing and blessing myself, when I saw any vision, and to use some sign of scorn, because it was certainly the devil, and by this means he would come no more : and that I need not fear but that God would preserve me, and take him away from me." This command was very painful to me, because, as I could not help believing my prayer came from God, it was a terrible thing for me to use any act of scorn ; neither could I desire these things should be taken away from me : still I did all that was commanded me. I earnestly besought our Lord to free me from being deceived ; and this I did continually, and with abundance of tears : I also prayed to St. Petor and St. Paul : for as I had the first vision on their festival, our Lord told me that they would take auch care of me that I should not be deceived : and
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accordingly I have often seen very clearly, though not by the way of any " imaginary " vision, these two glorious saints on my left hand, as my good patrons.
But this making signs of contempt gave me excessive trouble, when I saw this vision of our Lord. For when I saw Him present before me, I could not be induced to believe it was the devil, even though I should have been torn in pieces, and therefore it was a severe kind of penance. But in order that I might not be so perpetually blessing myself, I took a cross in my hands : and this I did almost always. But I did not use the signs of scorn so often, for this would have afflicted me too much ; for I remembered the injuries the Jews inflicted on our Lord, and so I besought Him to pardon me, since I acted in obedience to those whom he had appointed in His own place, and not to blame me, since they were the ministers whom He had placed in His Church. He told me " not to be troubled at this, and that I did well in obeying them, and that He would make them understand the truth." But when they forbade me the use of mental prayer, our Lord appeared angry at it, and told me to tell them " This was tyranny." He also gave me reasons to understand that I was not deceived by the devil, as I shall relate afterwards.
When once I was holding the cross in my hand, which was at the end of my Rosary, He took it into His hand, and when He returned it to me, it consisted of four great stones, incomparably more precious than diamonds, — for there is nothing here below that can equal the supernatural : a dia mond is but an imperfect kind of stone in comparison with those precious stones seen here. They had on them the five wounds in a most curious manner. And our Lord told me I should see Him just in that way henceforth, and so I did . and now I no longer saw the matter of which the cross was made, but only these precious stones ; no one saw them so but myself.
When I was commanded to make these trials, and to resist the favors, they increased much more ; and though I should wish to turn my attention to something else, yet I never omitted prayer : nay, it seems that I was in prayer even while I was asleep, for here the love of our Lord was much
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increased, and I would then be uttering amorous complaints to Him; nor was it in my power, though I had desired it, and least of all when I endeavored, to leave off thinking of Him : still I obeyed as well as I could, though I was able to do little or nothing therein. Our Lord never freed me from obeying them ; but though He commanded me to do as they bade me, He gave me confidence on the other side, and taught me what I should say to them : and this He does now, giving me such convincing reasons as to make me wholly secure.
Not long after this, His Majesty began to perform what He had been pleased to promise me before, — to assure me more strongly that it was He ; for there grew in me so great a love for God, that I knew not who infused it into me, for it was of a very supernatural kind ; nor did I procure it. I found myself dying through a desire of seeing God, and I knew not how or where to seek or find this life, but by the way of death. There came upon me such great impetuosities of this love, that I knew not what to do with myself, though they were not so insupportable, nor of such value as those I have mentioned in another place ; for nothing could satisfy me, nor was I able to contain myself, but rather it seemed as if my soul were really torn from my body. 0 admirable artifice of our Lord ! What delicate industry dost Thou use with this miserable slave of Thine ! Thou didst hide Thyself from me, and yet even then Thou didst press upon me by Thy love, bringing on me such a sweet kind of death, as the soul would never wish to be free from. Whoever has not ex perienced these great impetuosities cannot understand them ; for this is not a kind of restlessness of the breast, nor like certain devotions which sometimes are wont to choke the soul, so that she can hardly contain herself. This is a more inferior kind of prayer, and therein we must endeavor to remove these impetuosities, by striving with sweetness to make them recollected within themselves, so as to calm the soul. It is something like when little children cry so much as to seem to be choking, and when they have something to drink, then their excessive weeping ceases. And so in this case also, reason should take the bridle in the hand ; for perhaps the very natural constitution of the person himself may be the thing, which in some degree contributes to this state of mind.
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And therefore let consideration be used, for fear lest all should not be perfect, and the greater part might prove to nave something sensual in it. And let this child be stilled by some caress of love, which may induce the soul to love by a gentle and sweet kind of way, and not by blows, as the saying is. This love should be kept recollected within, and not be like a pot which is suffered to boil over, because wood is piled on the fire without discretion. They should rather slake and appease the flame which is fed by that vehement fire with sweet and gentle tears, but not with such as are forced or painful, as they are wont to be which proceed from those sentiments I spoke of before, and which do much harm. Such I myself had in the beginning; and they always left my head so disordered, and my soul so wearied, that sometimes I was not able for several days to return to the exercise of prayer. We should therefore use great discretion at the beginning, in order that everything may go on with sweetness, and the soul may be taught the way of exercising herself interiorly ; we must also endeavor as much as we can that the exterior may be avoided.
Those other impetuosities and impulses are of a very different kind, for here it is not we who lay the wood, but the fire seems to be made quite ready to our hands, and we are instantly ready to cast ourselves into it, that so we may be consumed. The soul does not endeavor to make herself feel the wound which is made in her by the absence of our Lord, but they sometimes drive an arrow into the very in most part of the heart, so that the soul knows not what is the matter nor what she desires, though she understands very well that she desires and loves God; and that this same arrow seems to be touched and rubbed over with some herb, to make her abhor herself for the love of this Lord ; she would willingly lose her life for His sake. It is not in our power to express or relate the manner whereby God ap proaches such a soul, or the excessive pain it causes, which makes her not know what to do with herself; but yet this pain is so sweet, that there is nothing in this life which can give her so much delight. As I have said, the soul would »>e glad to be always dying of this disease.
This pain and joy together did so distract me, that I knew
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not how they both could possibly subsist ! Oh ! what a thing it is to see a soul so wounded ! It is just in such r- way that we may well say she is " wounded," and this for s very excellent reason, for she sees very clearly that she her self did contribute nothing whereby this love could come, but only that it seems some spark suddenly falls down upon her, from that immense love our Lord has for her, which sets her all on fire ! Oh ! how often, when I am in this state, do I remember these words of David : " As the hart panteth after the fountains of water, so my soul panteth after thee, my God." (Psalm xli.) Methinks that then these words are literally fulfilled in me. Whenever this feeling does not come on me violently, it seems to me that I can appease it a little, at least the soul endeavors to find some remedy (for she knows not what to do), by the performance of certain penances : but they are felt by her no more, nor does it put her to any more pain to shed her blood, than if the body were dead. She seeks modes and ways to do something, whereby she may suffer for the love of God ; but so great is her former grief which she feels, that I know not of any corporal torment which can remove it ; for the remedy thereof does not con sist in any such things, since these medicines are too mean for so spiritual a malady. The soul, indeed, finds some little ease by these means, and by begging the remedy of her misery at the hands of God, though none she sees, but death ; for by this she hopes entirely to enjoy her sovereign good. At other times, this pain afflicts the soul so severely, that neither this nor anything else can be done, for it pierces the body through and through, and she can stir neither her feet nor hands ; nay, even if she were standing, she feels like one transported, for she cannot so much as breathe : she utters only sighs, not great in outward appearance, because she cannot express them, but they are deep interiorly.
Our Lord was pleased that I should sometimes have the following vision : I saw an angel very near ine, on my left side, in a corporeal form, which is not usual with me ; for though angels are often represented to me, yet it is without my seeing them, except by that kind of vision of which I have already spoken. But in this vision, our Lord was pleased I should see the angel in this form. He was not
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tall, but rather little, afid very beautiful ; his face was so inflamed, that he seemed to be one of those glorious spirits who appear to be all on fire (with divine love). He might be one of those who are called Seraphim, for they do not tell their names ; but I see clearly, that in heaven there is so great a difference between some angels and others, that I am not able to express it. I saw that he had a long golden dart in his hand, and at the point there seemed to me to be a little fire : I thought that he pierced my heart with this dart several times, and in such a manner that it went through my very bowels ; and when he drew it out, it seemed as if my bowels came with it, and I remained wholly inflamed with a great love of God. The pain thereof was so intense, that it forced deep groans from me ; but the sweetness which this extreme pain caused in me was so excessive, that there was no desiring to be free from it; nor is the soul then content with anything less than God. This is not a corporal but a spiritual pain, though the body does not fail to participate a little in it, yea, a great deal. It is so delightful an inter course between the soul and God, that I beseech His good ness to give some taste of it to him who may imagine I do not tell the truth.
During the time I was in this state, I went up and down like one transported ; I wished neither to see nor to speak, but only to be consumed by my pain, which was a greater happi ness for me than any that can be found in creatures. In this state I continued some time, when our Lord was pleased I should fall into such great raptures, that I was not able to resist them, even in the presence of secular persons ; and so, to my great grief, they began to be public. But, from the time I began to have these raptures, I have not felt this pain so much as that other of which I spoke before, though I cannot call to mind the particular chapter. But that pain is different in many respects, and more valuable than this ;. then, it seems, as if our Lord forcibly carries away the soul, and puts her in an ecstasy, so that there is no room for feel ing any pain, because the enjoyment comes immediately. May He be blessed forever, who bestows such high favors on one who corresponds so little with such great benefits.
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