CHAPTER XXVIII.

THE SAINT SPEAKS OF THE GKEAT FAVORS OUR LORD BESTOWED UPON HER, AND HOW HE APPEARED TO HER FOR THE FIRST TIME.
BUT now to return to what I was speaking of : I had thai: kind of vision for some days continually, and it was so pro- fitablo to me that I never omitted prayer •, and besides, whatever I happened to do, I took care it should be done in such a manner that it might not displease Him, whom I evidently saw to be there, as a witness of all that passed ; and though sometimes I feared on account of what I was told, still my trouble did not last long, because our Lord comforted and encouraged me. Being one day in prayer, it pleased our Lord to show me His sacred hands, and they were so excessively beautiful that I am not able to describe them. But this sight gave me great fear, as indeed every new sight does in the beginning of any of those supernatural favors which our Lord is pleased to show me. Within a few days after, I saw His divine face, the sight of which, methinks, left me quite absorbed. I could not conceive why our Lord showed Himself thus to me, by little and little, since after wards He resolved to do me the favor that I should see His whole person, till I came to reflect that our Lord was pleased to conduct me according to my natural weakness. May He be blessed forever, since such great glory united together, so base and wicked a creature as myself could not have endured ; and therefore our merciful Lord, who knew this, disposed 'of things in this manner.
Your Reverence may, perhaps, imagine that there was not any need of much strength, to behold hands and face so beautiful. But glorified bodies are so beautiful, that the glory they bring along with them (when we behold such supernatural and delightful objects), quite amazes and dis tracts the soul ; and thus I was so frightened at first, that I fell into great trouble and disorder, though afterwards I gained certainty and security, with other such effects, that *vir quickly vanished away.
On the feast of St. Paul, while I was hearing mass, all
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the most sacred Humanity of Christ was represented to me. as it is painted after His resurrection ; but with such great beauty and majesty as I once particularly described to your lleverence, when you commanded me to do so. I was troubled enough at your commanding me, for such a thing cannot be done without almost annihilating one's self. But I did what you commanded me as well as I could, and there fore I need not now repeat it again in this place. I only say, that if there were nothing else in heaven to delight oui sight but the excessive beauty of glorified bodies, the glory would be immense, especially to behold the Humanity of Jesus Christ our Lord ; and if His Majesty be so great, even when it is represented to us in this world, according to that proportion which our misery can bear, what will it be when we shall wholly enjoy and possess such happiness ! This vision, though represented to me by the way of a mental image, was never seen by me with the eyes of my body, nor was any other, — but only with the eyes of my soul. They who understand these things better than I do, affirm that the former vision, which was purely intellectual, is of a higher and more perfect kind than this ; and also that this is much more £0 than the others, which are seen with corporal eyes ; for these latter, they say, are of the lowest kind, in which the devil can more easily introduce his illusions ; though at that time I could not understand any such thing, but rather desired, that when I was to receive any favor of this nature, it might be so that I might see it with my cor poral eyes, to the end that my confessor might not tell me I only fancied these things. And so it also happened to me as soon as it was past (and this was in one instdnt), that I began to think I might, perhaps, have only fancied the vision, and I was thus somewhat troubled for having told my confessor, thinking whether or no I had deceived him. This was the cause of another trouble, and so I went to him and told him of it. He asked me whether I really thought so, and if I had any desire to deceive him 1 I told him the truth, because, as far as I can judge, I had no wish to tell a lie, nor did I intend to do such a thing, nor would I, for the whole world, have said one thing for another. This he knew very well, and BO he did his best to comfort and calm
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me. But I felt so unwilling to trouble him with these matters, that I know not how the devil could have made me fancy I had feigned anything, or deceived my confessor : this he did to torment me.
But our Lord made such haste to show me favors, and to declare this truth, that I was soon free from every doubt whether it were fancy or no : since then I see my folly very clearly. Though I were to employ many years in imagining how I could represent an object so beautiful, I should neither have the power nor the ability to do it, for such a sight exceeds all that can possibly be imagined in this world, by its clearness and brightness ulone. It is not a splendor which dazzles, but a sweet lustre. It is a brightness infused, which affords an exceeding great pleasure to the sight, and does not tire us ; nor does that light offend, whereby we see this object of such divine beauty. It is a light so different from that of this world, that even the brightness of the sun itself, which we see, is dim in comparison with that light and brightness which are represented to the sight, and hence the eyes can scarcely open themselves to behold it. It is as if we beheld very pure water running upon crystal, with the sun reflecting upon it and striking through it, in comparison with other very muddy water, seen in a cloudy day, and running upon an earthy bottom. Not that any sun is represented, nor is that light like the light of the sun ; in a word, this light seems a natural light, and the other but an artificial one. This is a light which never sets, and it has no night, but as it is always light, nothing disturbs it. Indeed, it is of such a nature, that however sublime the understanding of a person may be, he would never, during all his life, be able properly to conceive what its nature is ; and God places it before us so suddenly, that we should not even have time to open our eyes, if that were necessary ; but it helps us no more to have them open than shut, whenever our Lord is pleased we should see it, whether we will or no. Nor can any distraction divert us from it, nor any power resist it ; nor, on the other hand, can any care or diligence procure it ; and of this I have had good experience, as 1 shall mention.
But what I wish to relate now, is the manner how our Lord shows himself by these visions. I do not say I will
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explain the manner by which this strong light is able to con vey itself into the inward sense, and imprint on the under standing so clear an image, as to make it really appear to be there, because this point belongs to learned men. Our Lord has not been pleased to make me understand the manner thereof ; and I am myself so ignorant, and my understanding is so dull, that though many have used great endeavors to explain it to me, I have not yet been able to comprehend the manner thereof. And this is very certain, that though your Reverence may think I possess a quick understanding, I do not; for, in many things I have found what I say to be true by experience, viz., that it comprehends no more than what is given it to eat, as the saying is. Sometimes my confessor was amazed at my ignorance, and he never irade me under stand, nor did I desire to know how God did this, or how this could be ; neither did I ask him about it, though as I have already mentioned, I consulted for several years many learned men, to know whether this or that were a sin or no ; but as for the rest, I only had occasion to remember that Gcd does everything, and that I was not to wonder at His works, but only to praise Him : and thus my devotion was rather expited by difficulties, and the more difficulties the more devotion I had.
I will now mention what I have learned by experience, viz., how our Lord does this : your Reverence, however, will express it better, and will explain all that may be obscure, and which I know not how to explain. It seemed to me, on certain occasions, to be an image which I saw, but on other occasions it was not so ;. it was Christ himself, judging as I did from the clearness with which He was pleased to mani fest Himself to me. And yet sometimes it was in so indis tinct a way, that it seemed to be an image or representation, but very different from those portraits which are made in this world, however perfect they may be, for I have seen some very good ones. It would be foolish to suppose that there is a likeness in any way between them both, for how ever well a portrait may be taken, it can never equal the natural one, for the one is alive and the other dead. But let us put this aside, though yet the relation of one to the other holds very well.
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Still, I say not that I make a comparison between Christ our Lord and that which I said I saw ; for comparisons never agree so perfectly as these two things did. But the truth is, there is the same difference in what I saw from any image, as there is between something which lives and something which is only painted : if, then, this was an image, it was a living image, and not a dead man, but Christ alive ; and I was enabled to see Him both as God and man, not as He was in the sepulchre, but as He appeared after His Resur rection. And sometimes he comes with such great Majesty, that no one can doubt of its being our Lord himself, espe cially after receiving the Blessed Sacrament, for then we know well He is there, since our faith assures us of it. He then shows himself to be so entirely the Master of this my dwelling, that the soul seems to be wholly dissolved and con sumed in Christ. 0 my Jesus ! who can express, so as to be understood, the majesty with which Thou showest Thyself? And how absolutely Thou art Lord of the whole universe, and of the heavens, and of other innumerable worlds and heavens which Thou canst create, as the soul under stands according to the majesty wherewith Thou showest Thyself to her ; then she knows that all these would be' nothing for Thee to be Lord of.
Here, my sweet Jesus ! the soul clearly sees what little power the devils have in comparison with Thine ; and how he who pleases Thee may trample hell entirely under his feet. Here the soul sees the reason the devils had to trem ble when Thou didst descend into Limbo, and how they would then have wished rather to have been in a thousand other hells lower down, that so they might fly from such great majesty. I see likewise that Thou desirest to make our soul understand how great Thou art, and the power which Thy most sacred Humanity possesses, joined with Thy Divinity. Here is well represented what the day of judg ment will be, when we shall see the majesty of this King, and behold the rigor He will use against the wicked. Here true humility is fixed in the soul, by seeing her own misery, of which she can be no longer ignorant. Here we acquire confusion and true repentance for our sins, so that when she beholds what great love our Lord has shown her, she knows
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not what to do with herself, but is, as it were, wholly anni hilated. I say, this kind of vision has such excessive power and strength (when our Lord is pleased to show a soul a considerable portion of His greatness and majesty), that I consider it impossible for any one to endure it, unless our Lord be pleased to assist the soul in a supernatural manner, by making her remain in a rapture or ecstacy, and so lose the sight of that Divine presence by the act of enjoying it. This vision, however, may afterwards be forgotten ; and yet, it cannot be entirely forgotten, because the Divine majesty and beauty are so deeply imprinted in the soul, but only in the case where our Lord is pleased that the soul should suffer dryness and great solitude, of which I shall speak afterwards ; then it seems that one forgets even God him self. The soul is now quite another creature from what she was before ; and it seems she has a lively kind of love com municated to her anew, in a much higher degree ; for though that other kind of vision I spoke of before (which represents our Lord without any image), be something more sublime in itself ; yet in order to make it remain long in our memory, according to our weakness, and to entertain and keep our thoughts well employed, it is very important for us that so Divine a presence should also rehiain imprinted in the imagi nation. Thus these two kinds of vision always come to gether ; and it is thus that they come, because the excellence, and beauty, and glory of the most holy Humanity of Christ are beheld with the eyes of the soul ; and by the other way already spoken of, we are enabled to comprehend that He is God, and that He is powerful and omnipotent ; that He commands and governs all things, and that His love fills everything.
This kind of vision should be valued very highly, and is, in my opinion, without danger ; for it is easily known by the effects, that the devil has no power therein. I think, how ever, that three or four times he wished to represent our Lord himself to me, by a false representation ; but though he may assume the form of flesh, yet he cannot counterfeit by that glory which is manifest, when the vision conies from God. The devil makes certain representations in order to destroy some true vision which the soul has seen ; but she
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resists him as well as she can, though she is so disturbed, disquieted, and disordered, that she loses the devotion and pleasure she had before, and remains without any prayer at all. This happened to me three or four times in 'the begin ning, as I have already mentioned. But this false vision is so different from the other, that whosoever has arrived only at the Prayer of Quiet, will, I think, understand the matter, by the effects which have been spoken of in the discourse on those " words or speeches" which are sometimes imprinted on the soul. This is a very certain truth; and unless a soul wish to be deceived, I believe the devil will not be able to deceive her, if she walk with humility and simplicity. Whoever receives a true vision from God, will from that instantly perceive the nature of another, which is false ; and though this false vision may impart a certain pleasure and delight, yet the soul will shake them off; and besides, in my opinion, the pleasure will not be real, nor will it have even the appearance of a love which is pure and chaste, and hence very soon she will discover whence it comes. That all this should be mere imagination is utterly impossible, for the beauty and loveliness of only one hand far surpasses all our imagination. Besides, without our remembering or ever having thought of any such matter, to see objects presented before us in an instant, which could never have been formed by the imagination without a long time (because such things surpass all that we are able to comprehend in this world) : this, I repeat, would be impossible. And even if we could do something of this kind, yet it could not be done for this other reason, which I will now mention. Tf we should be able to represent any such thing by the strength of our under standing — (and then it would not produce the great effects which a true vision does, if, indeed, any at all), it would be like one desirous of going to sleep, and yet he would remain awake, because he cannot fall asleep. But if he should wish to sleep, and has need of it, and at the same time should have any weakness in the head which prevents sleep, he uses every exertion for this purpose, and sometimes he thinks he succeeds a little. But if, after all, he do not truly and really sleep soundly he is not refreshed, nor does his head become much better, rather it may sometimes become 22
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worse. And so is it, in some measure, with regard to this case, for then the soul becomes dizzy ; she is no longer strengthened or supported, but rather gets tired and dis gusted. But, in the other case of which I was speaking, I cannot express what riches are acquired by tl.e soul, and even the body itself becomes healthful and vigorous!
These and other reasons I alleged, when I was told " these things came from the devil, or that I only fancied them." This was often mentioned to ine ; and I, on the other hand, used to make comparisons as well as I could, and our Lord put them into my mind. But all availed little ; for as there were some very holy persons in that place (and I being misery in itself in comparison with them), who were not guided by this way, they immediately began to fear that my sins, in all appearance, were the cause of these effects ; and so the report went from one to another in such a manner, that many became acquainted with these secrets of mine, though I had mentioned them to no one but my confessor, or to such as he commanded me to mention them. I said to them once, that if they who spoke thus to me should assert that some person with whom I had just been talking, and whom I knew very well, was not that person, but that I only fancied such a person, I should have more easily be lieved them than that which I saw. But if this individual left some jewels with me, and they remained still in my hand, as pledges of the great love he bore me ; and that now I perceived I was rich, whereas I was very poor before, I should not then be able to believe them, however much I might desire it, especially since I could show these jewels to others, for all who knew me saw clearly that I had become quite another person, and so my confessor also told me, for the difference was very great in every respect, and not feigned, but all could see it very plainly. Having been so wicked before, I used to say I could not believe, that if the devil did this to deceive me and send me to hell, he would make use of means very different from these, which had greatly served to root out vices, and to plant in me strength and every virtue ; and I perceived very clearly, that I soon became by these means quite another crea ture.
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My con^ssor* belonged, as I have mentioned, to the So ciety of Jesus, and a very holy man he was : he also made the same answer, as I afterwards learnt. He was very dis creet and very humble ; and yet this humility cost me many troubles ; for though he was a learned man, and a man of prayer, yet he did not trust in himself : as our Lord did not lead him along this road, he had much trouble with me in several ways. They even wished him to take heed of me, lest the devil might deceive him, by inducing him to believe something of what I told him ; and to prove their point, they adduced the examples of other persons. All this gave me trouble enough, for I was afraid I should have no one to hear my confession, but that every one would fly from me ; and so I did nothing but weep. It was a mercy of God that this Father still continued to hear me : but he was so great a servant of God, that for His sake he was milling to expose himself to everything ; and so he bade m^ not to offend God, nor to depart from the directions he ga>re me . he told me also not to fear about his leaving me. He always comforted and encouraged me, and commanded me never to conceal anything from him. And should I observe this command, he told me, that though it were the devil, he would not be able to do me any harm, but rather that our Lord would draw good out of the evil which the devil wished to do my soul. He wished to advance me in all things as well as he could, and I, being in such fear, obeyed him in everything, though imperfectly. He had a great deal of trouble with me for more than three years, during which I confessed to him, in the midst of these afflictions and the great persecutions I underwent, for our Lord allowed people to form a bad opinion of me ; and these afflictions came, many of them at least, without any fault of mine, so that I was always coming to the Father, and he was blamed on my account, though he was not in any fault whatever. I think it would have been impossible for him to have endured all these troubles so long, had he not been a man of great sanctity ; but our Lord animated him, and enabled him to bear so much, for he had to answer every one who thought
* Baltassar Alvarez. (See his edifying Life, by Father Dupont : ;ils<> some account of hu manner of prayer, in 3aker's "Sancta Sophia.")
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I was a lost soul ; but they believed him not : and on the other hand, he had to calm my mind, and to draw me out of the fear I had, by threatening me with a greater. He had also to satisfy me in another respect, for, with regard to every vision which was new, our Lord permitted me after wards to have great fears. All this came from my having been and being still so great a sinner. Still, he comforted me with much compassion, and had he followed his own opinion, I should not have suffered so much, for God enabled him to understand the truth in all things : and I believe that the Sacrament of Penance gave him light to direct me.
Those other servants of God, who could not make them selves sure of my being directed by God, often conversed with me ; and when I used to be carelessly speaking of some things, they would understand them in a different manner. Now one of these I loved much, for my soul was exceedingly indebted to him, and he was a very holy man. I was much troubled to see that I could not make myself understood by him ; while he, on the other hand, desired my spiritual good with all his heart and soul, and prayed that our Lord would enlighten me. And so when I used to be relating things to them without reflection upon what I said, it seemed to them to be a sign of little humility in me ; and when they saw me commit some fault (and they might have noticed many), all condemned me immediately. Sometimes they asked me some questions, and I answered them with candor, and even without reflection : then they thought I wished to tench them, and that I considered myself to be very clever, and accordingly they would go to my confessor to complain, because they certainly wished me well, and V reprimanded me. This lasted a long time, and I was afflicted in many ways ; but, as I received many favors from our Lord, I was able to endure every trouble.
I mention all these things that we may understand, what trouble it is not to have a director who is experienced in the ways of the Spirit ; hence, if our Lord had not favored me so much as He did, I know not what would have become of me, since there were circumstances sufficient to have de prived me of my senses ; and sometimes I saw myself in such a state that I knew not what to do with myself, except
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to lift up iny eyes to our Lord, because the persecution which I endured from good men — I who was such a weak and wicked poor creature, and also so timorous, may perhaps seem scarcely worth relating ; and though during my life I have passed through very great troubles, yet this last I have found to be the most severe I ever experienced. God grant that by this trouble I may have been able to serve His Ma jesty a little, for I am sure that those who accused and con demned me promoted His service, and all tended to my greater good.