CHAPTER XXVII.

THE SAINT MENTIONS ANOTHER WAY BY WHICH OVR LORD INSTRUCTS \ SOUL, AND MAKES HER UNDERSTAND HIS WILL. SHE SPEAKS ALSO OF A WONDERFUL VISION SHE HAD, ETC.
To return now to the history of miny life. I continued in great affliction and trouble, but at the same time had many prayers offered for me to our Lord, that he would be pleased to conduct me by another way, which might be more secure, since I was told that the former was a suspicious way. But true it is, that though I earnestly begged this favor from God, yet considering how evidently my soul was improved by the other way, I could never find it in my power to desire it heartily (though I still did in some degree), unless it were sometimes when I was harassed and distressed by what I was told, and by the fears with which my confessors filled me, I had now become quite another creature, and I could not help putting myself in the hands of God, beseeching Him that, since He knew what was fit for me, He would be pleased to accomplish His holy will in all things concerning me. I saw clearly, that by this way my soul was carried up to heaven, which formerly was dropping down to hell : why, therefore, should I desire such a thing ? And as for believing those favors came from the devil, it was not in my power to force myself into such an opinion. Still I did what I could to desire the one, and to believe the other : but, as I have said, it was not in my power. I offered for this object a few poor works which I performed, if indeed I did any at all. I became devoted to some of the saints, that by their means I might be delivered from the devil. I performed Novenas, and I recommended myself to St. Hilarion, and St. Michael
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the archangel, for this purpose : many other saints also I importuned, that by their prayers our Lord might show me the right way. At the end of two years, which both myself and others spent in prayers, that so our Lord might either conduct my soul by some other way, or show me the truth (for now those " words" I have before spoken of were very common), the following circumstance happened to me which I will now relate.
Being one day in prayer, on the festival of the glorious St. Peter, I saw standing very near me, — or to speak more properly, I felt and perceived (for I saw nothing at all, either with the eyes of my body or my soul) that Christ our Lord was close by me, and 1 found it was He who spoke to me, as I thought. As I had been up to this time extremely ignorant as to whether there could be any such vision as this, 1 fell at first into a great fear, as I could do nothing but weep : but presently our Lord gave me comfort, by speaking only one word ; and I found myself as I was wont, very quiet, with great delight and without fear. It seemed that Christ went always by my side : but the vision not being imaginary, nor represented in any form to the imagination, I perceived not in what shape He was, though I found, and1 felt very sensibly, that He was always on my right side ; that He was the witness of whatever I did, and that if I were recollected, even a little, or rather unless I were very much distracted, I could not help understanding that He was near me.
I went immediately to my confessor, being much grieved that I was obliged to tell him what happened. He asked me what form our Lord had when I saw Him? I told him I did not see Him. My confessor then inquired how I knew it was Christ? I answered, I knew not hoic, but that I could not help understanding our Lord was close by me, for I found and felt clearly that it was so ; that the recollection of my soul, in the Prayer of Quiet, was far greater and more continual ; that the effects also were very different from those others which I formerly experienced ; in a word, the thing appeared to me very certain and evident. I made use of several comparisons, whereby to make myself under stood, and yet in my opinion, there is none which properly
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explains this kind of vision ; for as this is one of the highest kind according to what that holy and spiritual man, Father Peter of Alcantara told me, as well as other great and learned men, so one cannot find words in the world to express it ; at least, we who know so little cannot, though learned men may make themselves better understood. But if, as I say, I saw our Lord neither with the eyes of the body or of the soul (because it was no imaginary vision), how can I understand and assert more clearly that He was near me, than if I had ac tually seen Him ? It seems as if a person were in the dark, and saw not another who stood near him, or as if the person were blind. This is something of a comparison, though not much ; for even if a person were blind, he might know an other was present by his other senses, because he could hear him speak or stir, or he might touch him. But here there is nothing at all of this, nor is there any darkness ; but our Lord's presence is represented to the soul by a sign, clearer than the sun itself, and yet no sun or brightness is seen, but only a certain light, which, without our seeing it, illuminates the understanding, that so the soul may enjoy so great a good. This vision brings also great benefits with it.
This is not a presence of God, such as many times is per ceived, especially by those who have arrived at Union or the Prayer of Quiet, who when they begin to make that prayer, seem to find the person ready at hand to whom they speak ; and they fancy he hears them, by the effects and the spirit ual sentiments which are produced, — such as those of great love, and faith, and resolutions accompanied with great ten derness of devotion. And though this is a great favor of God, and highly to be esteemed by him to whom it is given, yet it is no vision; we only understand that God is there, by the effects which arc (as -I have said) produced in the soul ; for in this manner His Majesty wishes to make himself per ceived. But here we see clearly that Christ our Lord, the Son of the Blessed Virgin, is present : in the other method of prayer, certain influences of the Divinity, are represented ; but here, together with them, we find that the most Sacred Humanity also accompanies us, and wishes to bestow favors upon us. My confessor then asked me this question : " Who told you that it was Jesus Christ?" " He Himself told me
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so," I answered, " and this very often : but even before he told me so, my understanding was impressed with the truth that it was He : and this before He told me so, and yet I saw him not. If any one whom I had never seen, but had only heard something about him, had come to speak to me, and I were either blind or in the dark ; and should he tell me who he was, I should believe him : still I should not be able so positively to assert it was he, as I should be had I seen him. But in this case I could assert it, for there is imprinted so clear a notice of His presence in the mind, with out our seeing him, that it seems impossible to doubt it ; and our Lord wishes to have it so engraven on the understanding, that it can no more be questioned than what we actually see ; no, nor so much. We sometimes suspect things which we see, and fancy this or that without any reason : but here, though this suspicion may arise suddenly, yet on the whole we remain so certain, that a doubt cannot continue. And so also it happens, though in a different manner, that God instructs the soul, and speaks to her, without speaking in the way I have already mentioned.
This is a language which is so heavenly, that we cannot well understand it in this world, however much we may desire to do so, unless our Lord himself be pleased to teach it by experience. Our Lord places in the very interior of the soul whatever he is pleased the soul should understand ; and there He represents it without any image or form of words, but only by that manner of vision already spoken of. And let us mark well this manner of God's making the soul understand what He will, and his great truths and myste ries ; for often that which I understand from our Lord in any vision, His majesty is pleased to represent to me in this way ; and it seems for these reasons, where the devil is least able to intermeddle or intrude himself; and if these reasons are not good, I am likely to be deceived. This kind of vision is so spiritual, and so also is the language, that there is no noise nor tumult in the powers of the mind, nor in any of the senses of the body, in my opinion ; and by this means the devil can gain no advantage. This happens sometimes, but it lasts only for a short time : at other times it seems to me, that neither the powers of the mind are suspended, nor the
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senses of the body taken away, but they are all occupied in themselves ; but this does not always happen in contempla tion, or rather it happens very seldom. But when the senses are lost, 1 was saying that we neither operate or do anything ourselves, but all seems to be the work of our Lord. It is like food conveyed into the stomach, without our either having eaten it, or so much as knowing who placed it there; all we know is, that there it is, though we neither know what the food is, nor who placed it there. But in this other case the food is known, though I cannot tell how it got there ; for neither did I see it, nor do I understand it, nor was I ever moved to desire it, nor did I ever know Lefoie that such a thing could possibly be.
In the heavenly " Discourse" of which I have already spoken, God makes the understanding reflect upon that which is said, whether it will or no ; for there it seems as if the soul had some other kind of ears to hear, and that He makes her listen, and not think of something else ; as if one who could hear well were not allowed to stop his cars : but people cried aloud to him, and thus, whether he wished or not, he would be obliged to hear. Still he does something, .since he endeavors to understand what they say. But here the soul does nothing ; for even that little which was done in the former case, and which consisted only in listening, is taken away from her now. She finds now everything ready dressed and eaten, so that she has nothing more to do but to enjoy her food. It is like a person who, without ever having learnt, or so much as having endeavored to read, or without having studied at all, should find himself in posses sion of the whole of that science ; and this without knowing cither how or whence it came, since he had never endeavored to acquire it, or even learn his ABC. This last conipari- son, I think explains some part of this celestial gift, for the soul perceives that she has become wise on a sudden, and that the mystery of the most Holy Trinity, and other very sublime truths, are so clearly explained to her, that she could argue with any divine on the truth of these high subjects. The soul on these occasions seems so amazed, that even one such favor as this is sufficient to produce a total change in her, and to make her love nothing but Him, who without
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any labor on her part has made her capable of such unspeak able blessings ; who communicates His secrets to her, and speaks to her with such great friendship and love as cannot be written in words, because He shows her some favors which are so admirable, that unless we have a lively faith, we cannot conceive it possible God should grant such favors to one so unworthy of them. I am thinking, then, of men tioning only a few of those which our Lord has shown to me, unless I be commanded to do otherwise ; and some t)f the visions, if mentioned, may perhaps do some good, that so if there be any persons to whom our Lord may have imparted the like, they may not wonder, nor consider them impossible, as I did ; or these visions may show the way and manner by which our Lord conducted my soul ; and this is what I have been commanded to write.
Let us now return to the manner of our understanding these things. To me it seems our Lord is here pleased, that our soul should have some knowledge of that which passes in heaven ; and that as the blessed understand one another there without speaking (the truth of which I never knew till our Lord in His goodness made me see it, and showed it to me in a rapture) ; so also it should be here, that God and the soul might understand one another ; and this for the sole reason that His Majesty is pleased they should do so, with out any other artifice being used to make known the love which these two friends bear each other. Just as in this world, when two persons love one another very dearly, and have a good understanding, they seem able to understand each other without any signs, by only looking atone another. Thus ought it to be iu our case, since (without our knowing expressly how) these two lovers look earnestly at each in the face, as the spouse in the Book of Canticles saith to his beloved ; for so I think I have heard it mentioned there.
0 admirable benignity of God ! who dost permit Thyself to be looked upon by those eyes, which have abused their sight so much, just as the eyes of my soul did ! After the sight of thee, 0 Lord ! let them now be accustomed no more to look upon base objects, nor to take pleasure in anything out of Thee! 0 ingratitude of mortals! how far wilt thou go 1 I know by experience that this is true which I am 21
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saying, and that what I have mentioned is the least of those favors, which Thou givest to a soul whom Thou bringest to such a state as this. 0 ye souls ! who have begun to use mental prayer, and all you who have true faith, what blessings do ye seek which can in any way be compared to the least of those which are obtained by the servants of God even in this mortal life, not to mention the happy eternity hereafter1? Consider that even in this world it is quite true, that God gives himself to those who forsake all things for the love of Him. He is no accepter of persons : He loves every one', and no one has any excuse, however wicked he may hav been, since our Lord acted in this manner with me, and raised me to such a state. Consider also, that what I am now saying is not so much as a cipher of what may be said : so much only is mentioned as is necessary for making this kind of vision, and the favors which our Lord gives the soul, somewhat understood. But I cannot declare that which the soul feels when our Lord is pleased to impart to her His secrets and His greatness, — a delight so superior to all that can possibly be imagined in this world, that with great reason it makes her abhor the pleasures of this life, all of which put together are but dirt ; it is even loathsome to compare those pleasures with the joys of this world, even though they could be enjoyed forever. And of these pleasures, what proportion does God give us in this life ? No more than a single drop of water is to that great overflowing river, which is prepared for us above.
It is a shame — (and I apply it to myself, and if it were possible for souls to be ashamed in heaven, I should be ashamed there much more justly than any one else), that we should desire such great blessings and delights, and such in finite glory, all at the cost of our good Jesus. Should we not at least weep over Him with the daughters of Jerusalem, if we will not help Him to carry the cross with Simon of Cyrene ? How cari we think of coming to enjoy, by pleasures and pastimes, that which He purchased for us at the cost of so much blood ? This is impossible. And how can we think, by aspiring to vain honors, to be able to remedy that scorn and contempt which He endured for us, that so we might remain forever with Him ? No, no, we take quite a wrong
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course ; we shall never reach our journey's end by such a way. Your lleverence must cry aloud to make these truths heard ; and since God has deprived me of this liberty, I wish to be always crying out to myself, — " How late did I come to hear and know God ! " This will be seen by what I have written ; and it is a source of great confusion to me to speak of it, and therefore I now wish to hold my peace.
I will only mention what I have sometimes been consider ing, viz., that God may be pleased to bring me to such a state, that I may enjoy this immense good. What an acci dental glory and pleasure will it be for the blessed who enjoy this happiness, when they shall find that, though h was late, yet they omitted nothing which it was possible for them to do for the love of God ! Nor did they fail to present Him with the most they could possibly oifer in every way, accord ing to the strength which they had, and as their state allowed them. How rich will he find himself, who left all the riches he had for Christ ! How full of honor, who rejected all earthly honor, and rejoiced only in seeing himself despised, for love of Him ! How wise will he be, who rejoiced that men considered him a fool, since " Wisdom " itself was called by that name ! How few such persons are now in the world, on account of our sins ! Alas ! it seems that all those have departed long ago whom the world was wont to con sider foolish, when it saw them perform those heroic acts of true lovers of Christ. 0 world ! 0 world ! how art thou esteemed, because thou hast few that know thee ! But to what a state have we come, when men imagine that God is better served by them when they are considered to be wise and discreet ! This must needs be so, according as we now understand the word " discretion." And we think we give little edification unless we make a show of great gentility and authority, each one according to his state. Even friars, priests, and nuns, think it a novelty to wear anything which is old or patched, as well as an occasion of scandal to the weak ; and even to be recollected arid addicted to prayer ! To such a state has the world come ! But the study and practice of Christian perfection, and the great impulses which the saints were accustomed to have, do much more harm. I believe, to the wretched creatures who live in these times
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than any scandal which could arise from religious persons publishing that to the world by their works, of which they speak by their words, that so mankind might hold the world in little esteem. From such scandals as these our Lord draws great good , and if some are scandalized, others will repent of their sins, and will have in their actions some trace of what Christ and His apostles suffered ; for now we have more need of this than ever.
What an excellent example did God lately take from us, in the person of that blessed man, Father Peter of Alcan tara ! The world was no longer able to endure such per fection. Men say, that our health is now not so good, and that we cannot live now as people did in former times. But that holy man lived in our time, and yet he had as fervent a spirit as men had in other days, and he trod the world no less under his feet ; for though we do not go barefoot, nor do such austere penances as he did, yet there are many ways whereby we may tread the world under our feet. Our Lord will teach us these ways, when He finds a soul fit to learn them. And how great a soul did God bestow on this saint of whom I am now speaking, to enable him to continue for seven-and-forty years a course of such sharp and vigorous penance as all know his to have been. I will say something about it, for I know it is all true.
He told it to me and to another, from whom he concealed little : and the reason why he told it, was the great love he bore me ; and this our Lord gave him to protect me, and en courage me, at the time of my greatest necessity, of which 1 have already spoken, and will declare further. He told me how, to the best of iny remembrance, he had slept no more than one hour and a half between day and night for the space of forty years : and that this was the greatest difficulty he found in his penance at the beginning, to overcome him self in point of sleep ; and that for this purpose he was always obliged to be either kneeling or standing ; and when he slept it was in a sitting posture, leaning his head against a little piece of wood which he had driven into the wall : that he could not lie down at full length in his cell, even if he wished, for it was not above four feet and a half long, as is well known. During all these years he never put on his hood,
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how hot soever the sun, or how great soever the rain might be : he never wore anything on his feet, and his body was clad only with a habit of thick coarse sackcloth, without any other thing next his skin, and this as strait as could be endured, with a short mantle of the same material over it. He told in'-, that when the weather was extremely cold, he was accustomed to put off his mantle, and to leave the door and the little window of his cell open, that so when he after wards put his cloak on again, and shut his door, he might give his body so much refreshment by it, as that it might be quiet with this additional warmth. It was usual for him not to eat till the third day ! He asked me why I was astonished at this ? For he said it was very possible for one who had accustomed himself to it. A companion of his told me, that sometimes it happened he ate nothing for eight days ; this perhaps might have beert when he was in prayer, for then he used to have great raptures and impulses c " the love of God, of which I myself was an eye-witness. His poverty was extreme, and so also was his mortification .'rom his youth ; for he told me he had lived three years in a house of his Order without knowing any of the religious, except by their speech, for he never lifted up his eyes : hence, when he was obliged to go from one place to another, he knew not how, except by following the other religious. This was the case on journeys. As to women, for many years he never looked at any one. He told me that it was now all the same to him whether he saw any one or did not see them ; but when I became acquainted with him he was then very old, and his weakness so extreme, that he seemed to be made only of the roots of trees. With all this sanctity he was very affable, though he expressed himself in few words, unless some question were asked him. In them he was very agreeable, for he had an excellent understanding. Many other things I should like to mention, but I fear your Bev- erence might ask me why I turned to this subject ' And even this little I have not written without some fear. I shall add no more, but only that he died as he lived, preaching to and admonishing his friars. When he saw his last end
21*
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approaching, he exclaimed, — " Laetatus sum in his quae dicta sunt mihi," &c.,* and, kneeling down, he expired. f
Since then our Lord has been pleased to let me enjoy more of him than I did when he was alive, for he gives me advice in many things. I have often seen him in exceeding great glory. The first time he appeared he said, — " () happy penance, which has obtained so great a reward ! " And many other things he said. A year before he died he appeared to me, when we were at some distance from each other ; I understood that he was to die, and I warned him of it. When he expired he appeared to me, and told me that he was going to rest. I did not then believe it, but yet I mentioned it to some persons, and within eight days after the news came to us that he was dead ; or rather, to speak more properly, that he bad then begun to live forever. Behold here the severe penance of his life, which ended in so much glory, that methinks he comforts me now much more than when he was alive. Our Lord told me once, that men should not ask anything in his name without being heard ; and ] have myself recommended many things to him that he might beg them of our Lord, and I always found them granted. May our Lord be blessed forever. Amen.
But what a discourse I have been making, that f-o I might excite your Reverence not to esteem anything in this world, as if you did not know this already, or were not determined to abandon all things, and to perform what you had resolved upon ! But I see such wickedness in the world, that though it may profit little for me to speak, and though it may be tiresome for me to write, still it does give me some ease, even though I should speak against myself. May our Lord forgive me whatever I may have committed in this particular : and I beseech your Reverence also to pardon me for putting you to so much unnecessary trouble : it seems that I wish to make you do penance for what I myself have committed.
* "I rejoiced at, the things that were said to me : we shall go into the house of the Lord." (Psalm exxvi.)
f See the Life of this great Saint in Alban Butler, Oct. 19. The Saint wrote two excellent short treatises. — 1. ''On Mental Prayer; 2. "On the Peace of the Soul." The former has been translated into English by Giles Willoughby. (Dolman, 1843.)
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