CHAPTER XXVI.

THE SAME SUBJECT IS CONTINUED. THE SAINT MENTIONS MANY THINGS WHICH HAPPENED TO HER.
I ESTEEM the courage which our Lord gave me against the devils, to be one of the great favors which He was pleased to confer upon me, because for a soul to go cowardly on, and to be fearful of nothing but offending God, is a very great inconvenience. For since we have a King who is om nipotent, and so great a Lord that lie can do all things and make all men subject to Him, we have no reason to fear if we walk before Him with sincerity and purity of conscience. And for such an object, I should be glad to have all possible fears not to offend Him at any time, who is able at that very instant to -annihilate us ; but as long as His Majesty is pleased with us, no one can stand against us. You may, perhaps, say, " that this is very true, but where shall we find a soul so upright as to please Him entirely ? And because she is not so pure, she is in fear." I answer, not my soul, certainly, for she is very miserable, unprofitable, and filled with a thousand miseries. But God does not act with such rigor as men do, for He knows our frailty ; and the soul can understand, by means of numerous conjectures, whether she really loves God or no ; because whoever arrive at this state, their love is not then a disguised love as it was at the begin ning, but it is attended with such a great impulse and desire to see God (as I shall relate afterwards), that all things afflict, all things weary and tire, all things torment the soul, unless she be with God, or suffering and doing something for God.
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There is no repose which does not displease her, because she sees herself absent from her " true repose ;" and thus it is very clear (as I have mentioned), that things are not dis sembled here.
It happened to me once, that I found myself in great tribulation, having to suffer many calumnies (on account of a certain affair of which I shall speak afterwards)* from all the religious where I lived, and even from the whole Order, and being also greatly afflicted by the opposition of the whole city. Then it was that our Lord addressed these words to me : " Of what art thou afraid ? Dost thou not know that I am omnipotent ? I will accomplish all that I have promised thee." And He indeed fulfilled His promise very well afterwards. After these words, I felt such new strength within me that I thought I could then have easily undertaken other things for His service, though they might cost me much more trouble, and have suffered again much more for Him. Hearing these interior words has happened so often to me that I am not able to mention the number of times. Our Lord has made me, and still continues to make me, so severe reproaches, on account of the imperfections I sometimes commit, that they are sufficient to annihilate the soul ; at least they bring with them her amendment, because His Majesty (as I have mentioned) gives both advice and the remedy. At other times He brings to my remembrance my pasts sins, especially when He wishes to bestow on me some extraordinary favor ; and this He does in such a way, that the soul sees herself as she will do at the great day of judgment ; and the truth is represented to her with such a clear know ledge, that she knows not what to do with herself. At other times, He is pleased to put me on my guard against certain dangers relating to myself and others, which have not hap pened till three or four years after. These were all fulfilled, and some of the events might be mentioned, if necessary. Thus there are so many proofs that these things come from God, that, in my opinion, no one can be ignorant about the matter.
The most, secure way is, not to fail to declare the state of
* The St. alludes to the foundation of her convent at Avila.
20*
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my whole soul, and the favors our Lord bestows upon me to my confessor ; to see that he be learned, and to be careful in obeying Him. This is the course which I take, and with out this I could have no security, as our Lord has often told me ; and, indeed, it is not fit that we women should have any, for we have no learning ; and there can be no harm in this, but many advantages. I once had a confessor who mortified me very much, and sometimes he even afflicted me, and gave me a great deal of trouble and uneasiness ; and yet he was the person who, in my opinion, did me the most good. And though I had a great esteem for him, I had some temp tations to leave him, for the trouble he gave me concerning my prayer quite harassed me. But whenever I determined to leave him, I immediately understood I was not to do so ; and I received a reprehension from our Lord, which I felt much more acutely than anything my confessor could impose upon me. And sometimes he tired me by asking me questions on the one hand, and giving me some reproof on the other ; and all this I had need of, so weak a will 1 had. He told me once, that I was not to obey if I were not re solved to suffer, and that I should consider what He had endured for me, and then everything would become easy.
Another confessor, to whom I had confessed in the be ginning, gave me this advice : that since it had been proved the spirit which directed me was good, I should now keep matters quiet, and not tell the least thing to any one, be cause it was much better not to mention these favors. This advice pleased me, because every time I mentioned them to my confessor I felt great trouble : and, indeed, so great was my repugnance, that I had much less difficulty in declaring my greatest sins. And especially, if I mentioned those high favors which I had received, I thought my confessors would not believe me, but rather laugh at me. I was so troubled by this thought, that such conduct appeared to me to be a kind of irreverence towards the wonders of God, and for this reason I wished to conceal them. But I soon under stood that my confessor had given me bad advice, and that I was by no means to conceal anything from him to whom I ^onfessed, because thereby I should have great security ; but
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that if I acted otherwise, I might sometime or other be deceived.
Whenever our Lord commanded me anything in prayer, if my confessor bade me do otherwise, our Lord would tell me to obey my director : His Majesty would afterwards direct him to command me to do that very thing which our Lord himself had commanded me before. When many of my Spanish books were taken away from me, so that I could not read, I was in great trouble, for it was a recreation for me to read some of them ; but then I could read none, for what had been left were in Latin. On this occasion our Lord thus spoke to me : " Be not troubled, for I will give thee a living book." I could not understand what these words meant, for then I never had any vision ; but within a short time afterwards I understood them very well, for I have had so much to think of and recollect myself about, concerning those things which were presented to me, and our Lord has shown me so great love by instructing me in so many ways, that I have had very little need of books, or rather no need at all. His Majesty has been a living book to me, wherein I have seen many truths. Blessed be such a book, which leaves imprinted in the heart what we read there, and this in such a manner that it can never be forgotten.
Who can behold our Lord covered all over with wounds and afflicted with persecutions, and not embrace them and love the.n ? Who can have even but a glimpse of that glory which He gives to those who serve Him, and not know that all we can possibly do or suffer here is nothing, since we hope to receive such great rewards ? How can he who con siders the torments the wicked endure in hell, help esteeming all the sufferings of this life to be delights, in comparison with those torments, and not acknowledge how indebted he is to our Lord for having delivered him so often from that place of woe ? But because I intend by the Divine assist ance, to speak hereafter more in particular concerning some of these things, I wish now to continue the account of my life ; and God grant that I may have known how to express myself properly in what I have already said. I firmly be lieve that whoever has had experience in those matters will have understood me, and that I have managed to say some-
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tiling to the purpose. But those who have had no such ex perieuce, will perhaps imagine I have been talking nonsense. It is sufficient to state this, that so I may not be blamed ; nor will I blame any one who may be of a different opinion. May our Lord assist me, that I may always do His will. Amen.