CHAPTER XXIII.

THE SAINT RESUMES THE HISTORY OF HER LIFE, AND TELLS US HOW SHE BEGAN TO AIM AT GREATER PERFECTION, AND THE MEANS SHE EMPLOYED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
I NOW wish to return to the place where I left off speak ing of my life ;* for I have dwelt on other matters longer I think than I ought, in order that what is now to follow may be the better understood. Henceforth this will be another new book : I mean, another new life. Hitherto it was my life : but since I began to explain these points respecting prayer, the life I have lived since then is that when God lived in me, as far as seemed to me ; because otherwise I consider it impossible for me to have left off, in so short a time, such evil customs and actions. May our Lord be praised for having delivered me from myself. When I began to avoid the occasions of sin, and to give myself more to
* The Saint left off the history of her life at the eleventh chapter.
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prayer, our Lord began also to confer favors upon me, as one who desired I should be willing to receive them. His Majesty then began to give me very commonly the Prayer of Quiet, and often that of Union, which continued a very- long time. But when I learnt, that at this time there hap pened great illusions and deceits to certain women, which came from the devil, I began to be afraid, considering what great delight and sweetness I felt, and that often I could not avoid such things ; though on the other side I saw in me cause for very great security, viz., that all came from God, especially when I was in prayer. I saw also that I was much improved by these favors, and acquired much greater strength. But when a little distraction came upon me, I began to fear again whether the devil might not be desirous of making me imagine that it were good to suspend the un derstanding, and so deprive myself of the exercise of mental prayer, and that I might not be able to meditate on the " Passion," nor make use of my understanding ; and this seemed a great loss to me. But as His Majesty was now pleased to give me light, in c rder that I might no more offend Him, and might see how much I was indebted to Him, this fear increased on me in such a manner as to make me dili gently search for some spiritual persons with whom I could speak on the affairs of my soul. Already I had heard of some ; for some fathers of the Society of Jesus had come into Spain,* and for this Order I had great regard, without, however, knowing any of the fathers, but for the sole reason of my knowing the kind of life and prayer they practiced. But I did not consider myself worthy to speak with thorn, nor strong enough to obey them ; and this gave me great fear, because to treat with them on spiritual matters, and yet to remain as I was, seemed to me very foolish and wrong.
Amidst such thoughts as these I passed some time, till at last by the contest I endured inwardly, and through my fears which I still had, I resolved to state my case to a spiritual man, to ask him what he thought of the kind of prayer I used, and to enlighten me if he found I was in
* The Fathers of the Society came into Spain sibout the year 1553 — See Vol. VII. of the BoUandwfe
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error : I also resolved to use all possible diligence not to offend God. Through my want of courage I became more and more timid. 0 my God ! what a great error it was in me to separate myself from my God, iu order to become good ; In this point the devil labors much, when we are beginning to acquire virtue, because I could not conquer myself herein. He (the devil) knows well, that the sovereign means of doing good to a soul, is to seek advice from those who are the friends of God ; and thus I could not fix on any time to resolve upon this. I expected to reform myself first, as I had done before when I left off prayer, and perhaps I should never have accomplished my object, for I had already fallen so deeply into certain bad habits (which I did not know were evil), that it was necessary for me to be assisted by some one else, in order to raise me up. Blessed be our Lord, for His own hand was the first to help me.
When I now perceived my fears to increase so much, be cause I was more given to prayer, it seemed to me, that there was either some great good, or some very great evil involved in my case, because I was already well aware that my prayer was supernatural, since sometimes I was not able to resist it, and even when I wished to obtain it, I could not. I accord ingly thought that there would be no remedy for me, if I did not endeavor to keep a pure conscience, and to avoid every occasion of sin, even venial ones. If my prayer came from the Spirit of God, the benefit would be evident ; but if from the devil, he could do mo no hurt at all, but rather he would suffer loss, if I endeavored to please God and not to offend Him. Having resolved upon this, and always beseeching our Lord to assist me, though I continued this same course for several days, yet I found my soul had not strength enough to arrive at such perfection of herself, on account of some affection and inclination I still had for certain things, which though not very bad in themselves, yet were sufficient to spoil everything.
A certain priest in this place was mentioned to me, who was a learned man, and whose virtue and good life our Lord began to discover to the public ; I accordingly endeavored to become acquainted with this ecclesiastic, by means of a holy individual who lived in the same town. This gentle- 18*
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man was married ; but his life was so exemplary and virtuous, and so charitable was he and given to prayer, that all men admired his goodness and perfection ; and with reason, because many souls obtained great good through his means, and by the excellent abilities he had ; for though they did not assist him in increasing his fortune, still he did not refuse to employ them for the good of others. He had an excellent understanding, and was mild and kind to every one ; his con versation was nr-t troublesome, but so sweet and agreeable, as well as just and holy, that every one was delighted who spoke to him ; he directed all things for the greater good of those souls with whom he conversed ; and, indeed, he seemed to have no other aim or desire, but to give pleasure to every one, and to do all for them that they allowed him. Now I do believe that this holy and blessed man, by his care and attention, was chiefly instrumental in the salvation of my soul. I am astonished at his humility in wishing to see me, for I think he had spent little less than forty years in the practice of mental prayer (perhaps not quite so long by two or three years), and he led a life of perfection, such as his station seemed to allow. His wife was also a great servant of God, and so charitable, that he lost nothing by her. In fine, he chose her for his wife as being one whom God knew to be fit for so great a servant of His. Some of his kindred were married to some relations of mine. I was likewise well acquainted with another great servant of God, who was married to a cousin of mine ; and by means of this person, I managed that this priest, who was his great friend, and such a great servant of God likewise, should come and speak with me, for I intended to make my confession to him. and take him for my director. The gentleman then before mentioned, having introduced him to me, I was extremely confused to see myself in the presence of so holy a man : 1 gave him, however, an account of my life and prayer, for he excused himself from hearing my confession, saying, " that he was then very busy," and so he was. He began with a holy resolution to guide me, as he would one who was strong, and I ought to have been so (considering the kind of prayer I believed I was using) ; and this he did that I might not offend God in any way whatever. But I was much troubled when
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I so soon perceived what his resolution was with regard to those little practices which, as I have said, I had not the courage to leave off immediately in a perfect manner : and when I also saw that he meant to settle the affairs of my soul as it were all at once, then I was convinced that I stood in need of much more care and consideration. In a word, I clearly understood that the means he prescribed were not those which would supply a remedy, for they were only fit for a more perfect soul than mine. 'And though, as regards myself, 1 had advanced by having received favors from God, yet I was but just beginning to acquire virtue and mortifi cation. And I certainly believe, that if I had had no one else to consult with but this person, my soul would never have improved ; because, through the affliction it gave me to see how I did not and could not (as I thought) do that which he told me, it was enough to make me despair and give up everything. Sometimes I wonder that as this holy priest had a particular facility in winning souls to God, His Majesty was not pleased to give him a knowledge of my soul, nor to allow him to take the care of it. But 1 now see that all this happened for my greater good, that so I might come to know and converse with such holy men as they are who belong to the Society of Jesus.
In the mean time I made an agreement with the saintly gentleman of whom I spoke, that now and then he should come and visit me : herein I discovered his great humility, since he was pleased to converse with such a wicked creature as myself. He accordingly began to visit me and en courage me ; and he told me, that I must not think of delivering myself from all my imperfections in one day, but that God would do it by little and little ; and that He him self had been whole years in correcting some very little faults, not having been able to do the work sooner. O Humility! what great blessings dost thou bestow on those with whom thou remainest, and even upon those who only approach the possessors of it ! This saint (and, in my opinion, I may well give him this name) related certain things to me, which, through his humility, seemed weak nesses to him, but he did so for my cure : considering his state of life, they were neither faults nor imperfections; but
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for me, it was a very great fault to be subject to them. 1 do not speak thus without a reason, though perhaps 1 enlarge too much about those little trifles j but they are so important for enabling a soul to gain profit, and for teaching her to fly, though she may scarcely have any feathers (as the saying is), that, no one who has not had experience thereof, will believe what I say. I mention these things here, because I hope in God that your Reverence will derive profit from them ; for all my health consisted in discovering the means of curing myself, and in my director's exercising humility and charity towards me, and bearing patiently with me for not correcting myself entirely and immediately. I began to conceive so high a regard for this priest (for he used great discretion, and this by little and little, and showed me the way to over come the devil), that I could not experience greater comfort than when I saw him, though it was but seldom. When he delayed his visits I was then much troubled, thinking that perhaps he did not come to see me because I was so wicked. When he came to know my great imperfections (which perhaps might have been sins), and after I had spoken to him, I was much improved ; and when I also mentioned to him the favors God had bestowed upon me, in order that he might enlighten me, he told me, that they did not agree with each other, and that such favors were only fit for persons who were already very far advanced, and were very mortified ; that for his part he could not help being greatly afraid, because there seemed to him to be an " evil spirit " in some things, though he could not be absolutely sure such was the case ; but he wished me to consider well what I knew respecting my prayer, and to relate all the circumstances to him. JSTow here was the difficulty ; for I neither knew much, nor could I tell much, respecting the nature of my prayer, for it is only a short time ago since God granted me the favor of understanding my prayer, and knowing how to speak of t. When he spoke in this manner to Die, great was my ifniction, and many the tears I shed, through the fear I had ; for I certainly desired to serve and please God, add I could not persuade myself that this came from the devil : I only feared, lest through my great sins, our Lord might blind me, so that I could not unders'and my state. Turning over one
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day some books, to see if I could meet with anything con cerning my prayer, I found in one, which is called " The Ascent to the Monntain " (that is, relating to the union of a soul with God), all the proofs of what I used to say so often, viz., that I could not think of anything when I was in that kind of prayer. I marked with lines those places where the passages were to be found, and then I gave him the book, that so both he himself, and the other holy priest and servant of God (of whom I have spoken), might peruse it, and tell me what I was to do, and whether it was their opinion I .should give up my prayer altogether. Why should I expose myself to those dangers, if now, after having used this kind of prayer for almost twenty yeaas, I had derived no other benefit from it than to be imposed upon by the devil ? It would be better for me not to practice this pra} er at all, though this would be a hard case for me, since I had already found by experience what a state my soul was in without prayer. Thus everything now seemed wretched and mis erable to me ; I was like one who having been cast into a river, saw more and more danger on whatever side he should go, and so was almost on the point of being drowned. This state is a very great affliction ; and of such afflictions I have endured many, as I shall afterwards relate. And though what I say may seem to be of little importance, yet it may prove of some use towards understanding how a soul is to be tried. The affliction which is endured in these cases is indeed great ; and much prudence is necessary, especially when men have to treat with women, for our weakness is very great ; and great mischief may be done by telling us, that such and such a thing come from the devil, without at the same time considering the matter very carefully, removing us from all possible dangers, and advising us to keep things private : and it is proper that the men themselves should be careful in this respect. I speak on this subject as one who has had great trouble, because I could not find proper persons with whom to consult concerning my prayer ; I could only ask this or that individual what he thought would be for my good ; but they did me great harm. And many things have become public which ouglit to have remained private, since they are not fit for every one to know ;. and, besides, it may seem as
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if they had been divulged by me. But I believe these1 people made such matters public without any fault on their side ; and our Lord was pleased to permit this to happen, that so I might suffer. I am far from saying that what passed between us in confession was made public. But as they were the persons to whom I gave an account of my prayer, being moved thereto by my fears, that so they might enlighten me, I think they might have kept silence. However, I never could venture to conceal any thing from such persons. I say, therefore, that such souls must be discreetly advised and animated, waiting till our Lord shall help them, as He did me ; and if He had not done so, I should have suffered very £?flnt harm on account of my fears and apprehensions: and especially considering how much I was subject to palpita tion of the heart, I wonder I did not receive more injury.
When I delivered this book, and had given him an account of my life and sins as best I could, in a general way, for I did not make a confession, because he was a layman, though yet I made him understand how wicked I was ; these two servants of God considered, with great charity and love, what was proper to be done. The answer having come, which I was expecting with great fear, and having re quested many persons to recommend me to God, besides praying myself during all those days with much affliction, the gentleman came to me and told me, the opinion of both of them was, that my prayer was a delusion of the devil, and that the best thing to do would be to speak on the matter to a certain father of the Society of Jesus ; for, if I would invite him to call on me, and tell him how I was situated, he would most certainly come : that I should give him an account of my whole life by making a general confession, and explain everything with great clearness, and that then, in virtue of the sacrament of Pwiance, God would give him more light to guide me : that the Fathers wore men of great experience in spiritual matters, and that it would be well to be careful in not departing from what they told me, for if I had no one to direct me, that I should expose myself to great danger. These words filled me with so much fear and pain, that I knew not what to do : I did nothing but weep. And being one day in an oratory full of trouble, and not knowing
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what would become of me, I read in a book, which it seems our Lord put into my hands, these words of St. Paul : "God is faithful, and will not suffer us to be tempted above our strength." I was comforted exceedingly by these words, and began to consider about making my general confession, and to put in writing all the sins and blessings, and the whole history of my life, as clearly as I knew how, without omitting anything. I remember, that when I read over what I had written, and saw how many sins I had committed, and that I had done hardly any good action, I was grieved and afflicted exceedingly. ] was also troubled that the people of the house should see me conversing with such holy men as those of the Society of Jesus are, for I was afraid of my own wickedness ; and I thought I should be obliged to be wicked no more, and that I should give up my idle conversa tions, and that if I did not, it would be worse for me ; and so I prevailed on the portress and the sacristan not to speak to any one. But this precaution was of little use, for there happened to be one at the gate, when I was called, who pub lished it all over the convent. But what difficulties and troubles does the devil raise against those who desire to approach near to God !
After I had spoken with this great servant of God con cerning my soul, and had given him an account of my whole life, he told me what everything was as one well acquainted with this language ;* and he encouraged me much, and told me that my prayer was very evidently from the Spirit of God, but that I must return to it again, because I was not well grounded therein ; nor had I so much as begun to know what mortification was. This was very true, for it seems I hardly understood even the name. He told me also, that I must on no account give up my prayer, but rather apply moro diligently thereto, since God had bestowed on me such par ticular favors. Who could tell (he said) whether our Lord might not be pleased to do good to many souls through your means ? Other things also he mentioned to me in such a way, that he seems to have prophesied what our Lord was pleased to do with me afterwards. And I should deserve
*That is, the language of supernatural prater.
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much blame if I correspouded not with those favors which our Lord showed me. In all things it seemed to me, that the Holy Spirit spoke by this Father for the cure of my soul, so deeply was everything he said imprinted therein. He made me greatly confused, and gave me such directions, that he seemed to change me into quite another person. 80 very important is it to understand a soul. He told me to meditate every day on some part of the Passion, and that I should profit much thereby ; that I should dwell only on His sacred Humanity, and should resist as much as possible those re collections and caresses, and not give way to them till he should speak to me again on the subject. He left me both comforted and strengthened, and our Lord assisted both me and him, in order that he might understand my state, and how I was to be guided. I also firmly resolved not to depart in any way from what he should command me ;. and in this resolution I have continued till now. May our Lord be praised for having given me grace to obey my confessors, though so imperfectly ;. and these have almost always been those holy men belonging to the Society of Jesus, though, as I have said. I followed their advice imperfectly. But my soul began evidently to be much improved, as I will now relate.