CHAPTER XXI.

THE SAINT CONTINUES AND FINISHES THIS LAST DEGREE OF PRAYER.
I WILL now finish what I was saying, viz., that here the soul has no occasion to give any fresh consent, sii.ce she has already given it; and she knows that she has willingly de livered herself into His hands, and that she cannot deceive Him who knows all things. It is not as things are in this world, which is full of deceit and duplicity ; for when you think you have fully gained the good will of any one, by the proofs he gives, you soon discover that it is all pretence and falsehood, so that no one knows how to live in a world so deceitful, especially when self-interest is concerned. Blessed is that soul to which our Lord gives the knowledge of the truth. What a blessing this Miould be for kings, and how much more profitable for them, than to rule great provinces ! What justice would be found in the kingdom! How many evils would be avoided, both now and hereafter ! Here there is no fear of losing life or honor for the ICAC of God ; rather would such losses be considered as great blessings by those who have more regard for the glory of God, than for those to whom they are less obliged ; fcr kings are those whom men follow. The prospect of extending the faith, and of enlightening the minds of heretics, ought to induce kings to lose a thousand kingdoms for the sake of gaining a king dom that will never end. And when a soul routes to taste but a single drop of its heavenly water, everything in this world will appear disgusting to her. And when a soul shall be entirely engulfed in this ocean of happiness, what joy will Le hers! 0 Loid! if Thou shouldst raise me to such a state that I could proclaim aluud this truth, men would believe me no more than ti.cy do others, who know how to pub-
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lish this truth much better than I do ; but I should, at least, give satisfaction to myself. It seems to me, however, that i should esteem my life but little, on condition that I could make one of these truths well understood ; and yet I know not what I should do afterwards, for there is no trust to be placed in me. But though I am such a miserable creature, still I feel such great impulses to declare these truths te those who are in authority, that I am almost consumed thereby.
And now since I can do no more, I turn to Thee, 0 my Lord ! to seek a remedy for all my evils ; Thou knowest well how willingly I would deprive myself of all the favors Thou hast bestowed upon me (provided I might still be in a condition of never offending God), and give them up to kings and princes, for then I know it would be quite impos sible for them, either to consent that those thingsi/hould be done which are now permitted, or that they would fail to receive extraordinary favors from Thy hands. 0 my God ! make them understand what these duties are, since Thou wert pleased to honor them in such a manner on earth, that I have heard there were signs in the heavens when they died. When I think of this, it excites devotion in me, and mayest Thou be pleased, 0 my King ! to make them hereby under stand, that they ought to imitate Thee in their life, since there are in some manner signs in the heavens at their death, as there were at thine own death. I am presuming to say too much, and your Reverence may tear in pieces what I am writing if I do not speak properly. Believe me, I would be glad to speak better if I were in their presence, and if I knew how ; and especially if I thought they would believe me, for I frequently recommend them to God, and I wish to do them good, lie who ventures his life may do anything, and I often desire to lose mine ; and that would be venturing little to gain so much, because we cannot live in this world when we see with our own eyes the great error and blindness in which men walk.
When a soul has arrived at this state, she has not mere desires for the glory of God ; His Majesty gives her strength to execute them also. No difficulty can be imagined which she would uot willingly embrace, provided she could serve
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Him thereby ; and she thinks she does nothing, because everything which does not please God appears to her to be a mere nothing. But my grief is, that these occasions of serving Him are not offered to those who are as useless as I am. But be Thou pleased, 0 my Eternal Good ! that some time may come wherein I shall be able to repay Thee, even but a trifle, for all that I owe Thee. Order things as Thou pleasest, provided this Thy servant may be able to serve Thee in something. There have been other women who have performed heroic actions for the love of Thee ; but I am good for nothing but to talk ; and so it is not Thy will that I should act, but that all the service I am to do for Thee is to consist in words and desires ; and even in these I have not liberty, because I might perhaps fail in every duty. Strengthen my soul, and dispose of it first, 0 Thou author of all blessings ! my Jesus ! and then ordain things in such a way that I may be able to do something for Thee ; and that no one in the world may endure to have received so much, and yet to have returned so little. No matter what it cost, 0 Lord ! let not my hands appear so empty in Thy presence, since according to our works so shall \ve be re warded. Behold! here is my life, here is my honor, here is my will ; I have given all to Thee ; I am Thine, and dis pose of me as Thou pleasest. I know well, 0 Lord ! how little I am able to do ; but having now come to Thee, having reached that tower where so many truths are discovered, there is nothing which I shall not be able to perform, if Thou depart not from me. But if Thou withdraw Thyself (how ever little), I shall find myself where I once was — on the road to hell.
Oh ! what an affliction is it for a soul, who sees herself in this state, to be obliged to return and converse with the world, and to behold the farce of this life so badly acted and arranged ! To be forced to spend so much time in the things of the body, in sleeping and eating ! All this, wearies the soul, which knows not how to escape from thence, for she finds herself a captive in chains. She then feels more sen sibly the captivity we endure by means of our bodies, and also the misery of this life. Then she understands what reason St. Paul had, in beseeching God to free him " from
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the body of this death ;" as I have said before, the soul cries aloud with him, and begs liberty from God. But this is often done with such great impetuosity, that the soul seems desirous of leaping from the body in search of this liberty ; and as she cannot be freed, she seems like one sold as a slave in a strange land. But that which afflicts her the most is, that she cannot find many to lament with her, and to desire what she desires, for they generally desire to live Oh ! that we were not tied to anything, arid that we did not place our happiness in the pleasures of this world ! Then would the pain we might feel of always living without God, temper the fear of d^ath, through the desire of enjoying eternal life'. Sometimes, when I am considering, how such a creature as I am, to whom our Lord has given this light, and though possessing such imperfect charity, and so little true repose (because my actions have deserved no better), should yet often feel so much pain in seeing myself in this land of exile, then I ask myself, what must have been the feelings and sentiments of the saints ? What must St. Paul and St. Mary Magdalen, and others like them, have felt, in whom the fire of divine love burnt so brightly ? It must have been a con tinual martyrdom for them. It seems that no one could give me greater comfort and ease, than to converse with those persons in whom I could find the like desires — I mean, desires with actions ; for there are certain persons who, in their own opinion, are disengaged from all things, and so they publish it to the world ; and it is proper they should be so, because their state of life requires such, as well as the many years since they began to enter on the way of perfec tion. But my soul knows well what a great difference there is between those who desire merely in words, and those who confirm their words by deeds ; and she also understands well, how little is the good the former do, and how great is that which the others accomplish : he who has any experience, can see this truth very clearly.
And now I have mentioned the effects which those rap- s tures produce, that come from the Spirit of God. It is true ^ that the effects are sometimes great, sometimes less ; I say " less," because though in the beginning the raptures pro duce these effects, yet, as they are not confirmed by works. 17
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we cannot be certain if they are raptures : and, besides, the more we endeavor to free ourselves from every imperfection, the more we shall increase in perfection ; but this requires some time ; and the more humility and divine love increase in the soul, so much the siveeter will be the odor those flow ers of virtue will be sure to give, both to those who practice these virtues and to others also. It is true, that our Lord knows how to work on a soul in these raptures in such a manner, that little work will remain for the soul herself to do, in acquiring perfection ; for no one can believe unless he has experienced it, how much it pleases our Lord to be stow favors upon a soul in such a state ; nor can we, in my opinion, attain such a state by any diligence on our part. I say not but that, by the help of our Lord, such persons who make use for many years of those means which are prescribed by those who write concerning the beginnings and method of prayer, may arrive at perfection, and become entirely disen gaged from all things : but this will cost much labor and some time. But in raptures our Lord works without any labor on our part ; and He expressly draws the soul from the earth, and gives her dominion over all things therein, though \/ there might not be in this soul any more merit than there was in mine : I do not know how to express this point suffi ciently strong, for in mine there was hardly any merit at all. If the question should be asked, why His Majesty does so, the answer is, because it is His will, and He acts how lie pleases ; and even though there should be no disposition in her at all, still He disposes her for receiving from His Ma jesty the blessing which He gives her : but not always does He grant these effects, because the gardener may have de- served them by having cultivated his garden well ; though, at the same time, it is certain, that whoever does this properly, and endeavors to untie himself from all things, will be favored with many blessings. But sometimes He is pleased to show His greatness upon the most barren soil (as I have mentioned before), and to prepare it for receiving every good thing, so that now the soul seems to have no power, in a cer tain sense, of relapsing into the offences she used to commit against God.
She has her thoughts so accustomed to understand what
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is truth, indeed, that everything else seems to her but the playthings of children. Sometimes she smiles within her self, when she sees grave persons, who are given to prayer and other religious duties, make much of points of honor, which this soul tramples under her feet. Some may say, this is prudence, and upholding the authority of their state, that so they may be able to do more good. But this soul knows very well, that such persons might have done more good in one day, if they would have yielded up their authority fin the love of God, than they would ever do in ten years by adhering to it. Thus does the soul lead a troublesome life, and always she has a cross. But she goes on advancing : though those with whom she converses may suppose that she has already arrived at the top of perfection, yet very soon they discover that she goes on improving, because our Lord continues to caress her more and more. God himself is her / soul, and He it is who has" taken the charge of her into His f own hands ; and there He shines, and seems in a clear man ner to be guarding her, that she may not offend Him, and also to be caressing her and exciting her to serve Him. When my soul arrived so far, that God was pleased to do me so great a favor, my miseries ceased at once, and God / gave me strength to avoid them ; and I was no more affected / by being afterwards in those occasions, and in the company of persons who formerly distracted me, than if I had not been in them at all ; rather was I helped thereby. That which used before to injure me, now became instrumental in making me know God better, and loving Him more, and like wise in making me see how greatly I was indebted to Him, and how sorry I should be for having offended Him.
But I knew well that this blessing did not come from me, and that T had not obtained it by any diligence on my part, nor indeed had I even time for it ; but that His Majesty had given me strength for this purpose through His sole goodness. From the time when our Lord began to do me this favor of having raptures, my strength went on increasing ; and He has also held me fast by the hand, that so I might not return buck any more. And now, methinks, it is nothing at all which I do on my part, but I understand very clearly ^/ that it is our Lord who does all ; and therefore do I think
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that the soul on which our Lord confers these favors (provided she acknowledge with humility and fear that it is our Lord who gives them, and that we ourselves do nothing at all), may place herself in any company ; and that, however dis tracted or evil it may be, it will not affect her or move hei in any way, but rather will it help her, and give her the means of reaping more profit thereby. Such are already strong souls, whom our Lord chooses to do good to others, though this strength comes not from themselves. But when once our Lord brings a soul near Himself, by little and little He communicates great secrets to her. In this ecstasy come true revelations, and great favors and visions ; and all these tend to humble and strengthen the soul, and to enable her to despise the things of this life, and to kr.ow more clearly the greatness of that' reward which our Lord has prepared for those who serve Him.
May our Lord grant that the excessive goodness which He has been pleased to show such a miserable sinner, may be in some way instrumental in strengthening and animating those who shall read this discourse, completely to abandon all tilings for God's sake, since His Majesty gives such abundant rewards. , And we see clearly, even in this life, what rewards and advantages He gives to those who love Him; and, if so, what will He not give them in the next ?