CHAPTER XX.

THE SAINT TREATS OF THE DIFFERENCE WHICH EXISTS BETWEEN UNION AND RAPTURE, ETC.
I SHOULD be glad to know how to explain, by the Divine assistance, the difference there is between union and rapture, or, as it is called, elevation of the soul, for these mean one and the same thing. It is also called an " Ecstasy :" the names are different, but they signify one and the same thing. The advantage arising from " Rapture" is very great. The effects, likewise, as well as many other operations which it produces, are much greater, for " Union" seems to be the same both in the beginning, in the middle, and in the end, and it takes place in the interior.
But as a " Rapture" is .an elevation of the soul in a much higher degree, it produces effects both interior and exterior. May our Lord enable me to explain this part of the subject, as He has assisted me in the rest; for, certainly, if Ilia
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Majesty had not made me understand, by what means and in what manner it might be done, I should not have been able to say anything.
Let us now consider that this last water (of which I have been speaking) is so very plentiful and abundant, that if we were capable of receiving it, we should believe the cloud of that divine Majesty were with us, which waters our souls here upon earth. And thus, when we are grateful to our ..Lord for this great blessing, and acknowledge our gratitude .by our good works, according to our strength, our Lord a tract the vapors from the earth, and mount up towards heaven : and so He takes the soul along with Him himself, and begins to show her the riches of that kingdom which He has prepared for her. I know not if the comparison be just and suitable, but this happens truly and really. In these raptures, it seems as if the soul did not animate the body : it feels very sensibly the want of natural heat, and becomes cold, though possessing the greatest sweetness and delight.
Here there is no means of resisting, though in " Union" (being then in our own country) there is a remedy ; and so we may almost always resist, though not without pain and using some violence. But here, for the most part, there is no remedy at all ; for very often the rapture happens with out our thinking of it, or employing any means of bringing it on : and then there comes such a quick and strong im petuosity, that you see and feel this cloud raising itself up, or rather, this strong eagle carries you away between her wings (and this is understood), for you know you are carried away, though you know not whither, because though you may feel delight, yet so great is the weakness of our nature that it makes us fear at first. Hence it will be necessary for the soul to be much more determined and courageous than she was when in the degree of union, in order to be able to hazard everything, and to abandon herself entirely into the hands of God, and willingly to go wheresoever she shall be carried, though they will take her whether willing or no. Sometimes the rapture was so great that very, very often I wished to resist, and employed all my strength for this object (especially when the raptures happened in public,
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and many other times also w'irn they were private), fearing lest I might be deluded. So.uetiiues I was able to make a slight resistance, but it cost me great trouble ; for it seemed like one fighting with a strong giant, so that afterwards 1 found myself very tired : but at other times it was impos sible to resist, for my soul was carried quite away ; and generally even my head, and sometimes my whole body, were raised from the ground. This last happened but seldom : it happened once, however, when we were altogether in the choir, and when I was on my knees (being then about to re ceive the Blessed Sacrament). I was exceedingly troubled thereat ; and as it seemed to me to be a very extraordinary circumstance, and that great notice might be immediately taken of it, I commanded the nuns not to speak of it; and this I did because I then held the office of prioress. But, at other times, when I began to see that our Lord was about to do the same again (once in particular, during a sermon, be ing the feast of our patron, and in the presence of many ladies of quality), I cast myself on the ground; and though the Religious came and kept my body down, yet the rapture was easily perceived. I accordingly besought our Lord that He would no more grant me such favors as would bear ex terior demonstrations, because I was already very weary by being so watchful over myself, and His Majesty oould not bestow such favors upon me without their being known. And it seems that, through His goodness, He has heard my prayer, for since that time I have had no raptures of the kind, though it is not long since the last happened.
But when I wished to resist, there seemed to be some- ' thing under my feet of such great strength, that I know not what to compare it to ; and it came with much greater im petuosity than any other thing which I ever experienced in my soul : hence I was torn, as it were, to pieces, because the combat was terrible. In a word, all my resistance was of little use, because when our Lord wishes to do anything, no power can stand against Him. At other times He is pleased to content Himself with letting us see that He da- sires to do us this favor, and that it only remains for us to receive it from His Majesty ; and when we resist for the sake of humility, the same effects follow, as if we had en-
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tirely consented. These effects are very great : first, the great power of our Lord is made manifest thereby : second, that when His Majesty wishes, we are as little able to detain our bodies as our souls ; that we are not masters of them, but that there is a Superior by whom all these favors are given ; and that, being nothing ourselves, we can do nothing. These considerations fill us with deep humility : and I acknowledge that these raptures excited in me great fear : and at the beginning I was extremely terrified to see a body raised from the earth ; for though it is the spirit which draws it after her, and this with great feelings of de light if no resistance be made, yet we do not lose our senses ; at least, I had mine in such a manner that I was able to un derstand I had been raised up. There also appears so great a majesty in Him who can do this, that it makes even the hair of one's head stand on end ; and there remains a great fear of offending so mighty a God : this fear, however, is accompanied by an exceeding great love, which the soul con ceives again for Him, who she sees bears so deep a love for such a wretched worm ; for He seems not content with really drawing the soul to Himself, but He wishes to draw the body also, even when it is mortal and composed of such filthy dust as we have made it by our sins. This also leaves in the soul a particular disengagement from all things in the world, but I cannot explain what it is. I think, however, I may say, that it is not only in some degree a different, but also a much greater kind of favor, than any of those other things which act on the soul alone ; for though in those other visitations, there is also, as far as relates to the soul, a total disengagement from the things of this world, yet here, it seems, our Lord is pleased, that even the body itself should act in the same manner : it likewise excites such a new aversion for the pleasures of this life, that it makes life itself much more painful to us. It afterwards gives another pain, which we can neither procure when we have it not, nor free ourselves from when we have it. I should be very glad to be able to make this " great pain" understood, but I think I shall not be able ; still, I will say something, if I can.
I must remark, that these things now happen at the very last, after all those visions and revelations whereof I shall
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write, and during the time when I am in prayer, when our Lord is accustomed to give me very great sweetness and caresses ; and though I sometimes continue to experience the same sweetness, yet the pain of which I shall now speak comes upon me much more frequently. It is sometimes less and sometimes greater. I now wish to speak of the greater, because though I shall treat hereafter of those great im petuosities which I experienced when our Lord was pleased to give me those raptures ; yet, in my opinion, there was as little resemblance between them, as there is between things spiritual and corporal. I believe I do not at all exaggerate the matter, because this pain seems to be such, that though the soul feels it, yet she feels it together with the body, and so both of them share in it; but she feels m.t thai; extremity of abandonment which this pain causes, and in which (as I have already mentioned) we have no part ourselves. But there often comes unexpectedly a kind of transport, the cause of which I know not ; and this transport, which penetrates the whole soul in an instant, begins to agitate the soul to such a degree, that she rises above herself and all created things ; and God makes her so disgusted with them, that however much she may strive, she cannot find on earth any creature for a companion : and even if she could, she would prefer to die in that solitude. If people speak to her, or if she employed all the power which she could possibly possess, in speaking to others, it would be of little use, for her spirit (however much she may strive) is still attached to that soli tude. And though it seems to me, as if God were there at a very great distance from her, yet at times He communi cates His greatness to her, in a manner the most extraordi nary that can be imagined or expressed ; and I think that he only can believe or understand it who has experienced it himself; for it is no communication to give comfort, but only to show the reason which he has to be afflicted, on account of being absent from that good which comprehends all good. By means of this communication, the desire increases of remaining in that extreme solitude in which the soul finds herself, together with a pain which is so very acute and penetrating, that she may then, I think (being placed in this desert), literally make use of these words : " I have watched,
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and become as a sparrow all alone on the house-top." These words the royal prophet, perhaps, spoke when he was in the uame solitude ; but being a saint, our Lord made him feel them in a more sensible manner. This verse comes into my mind, because it seems as if I see myself in it ; and I an: consoled in seeing that other persons also have found them selves in such great solitude, and the greatest saints more than any one else. And thus it appears that the soul in this state is raised, not only above all created things, but even above herself.
At other times, the soul seems to find herself in the very extremity of misery, asking herself this question : " Where is thy God ? " I must remark, that I did not under stand the meaning of these words in the Psalms ; but after they were explained to me, I was much comforted in seeing that our Lord brought them to my memory, without any endeavor on my part. At other times, I remembered the words of St. Paul, " tha he was crucified to the world." I say not that I was crucified, for I see clearly I am not -, but it seems to me, that the soul in this case, is as it were, crucified, and suspended between earth and heaven ; and hence no comfort comes from heaven, because she is not there, nor from the earth, because she is no longer upon it ; and she suffers all the time, without receiving any succor from either place. That which does come to her from heaven, is so great a knowledge of God, that she loses herself in the contemplation of His infinite greatness ; and this knowledge increases rather than diminishes her pain, because her desire of possessing Him increases in such a manner, that, in my opinion, the excessive pain sometimes takes away her senses ; but she remains without them only a little while. This state seems to be the very agony of death it. accompanied with such a great pleasure and content in suffer ing, that I know not what to compare it to. It is a sharp and yet a delightful kind of martydom, since everything relating to this world which can possibly be represented to the soul, even though it were the most delightful object, is on no account admitted, but rather it is immediately cast away from her. She understands well, that she cares for nothing but for her God; and yet she loves in Him no 16
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particular perfection, but all His perfections together ; still, she knows not what she wishes or desires. I say, she knows not, because her imagination represents nothing to her ; and during all the time she remains in this state, the powers of the soul do not (in my opinion) produce that joy which is felt in union and rapture ; the pain entirely suspemls them.
Oh ! that I were able to make your Reverence under stand what I have been saying, even were it only for the object of your telling me what the state is in which the soul finds herself, for this is the condition in which my soul generally remains. When she is not occupied, she then falls into these agonies of death ; and she is afraid when she sees them begin, lest she might die under them. But yet when once begun, she would be glad to remain in this suffering state during all the time of her life, though the pain is so very excessive that the person is scarce able to endure it. Sometimes I am almost without any pulse at all (as my sisters tell me when they come to see what is the matter, for now they understand a little more about me), and the bones of my very arms are quite exposed, and my hands become so stiff that sometimes I cannot close them ; and thus the pain remains in my wrists till the next day, and in my whole body also in such a manner, that it seems as if I had been disjointed. Sometimes I think, if I continue in this state, that our Lord will be pleased to end it by my life coming to an end ; for, in my opinion, so great suffering is sufficient for this object, except only that I do not deserve such a happiness. All my desire then is to die : I neither remember purgatory, nor those great sins I have committed, for which I deserve hell ; all is forgotten through my desire
seeing God, and the desert and solitude then appear to me far sweeter than all the society of the whole world. If any thing could give her comfort, it would be to converse with some one who had experienced this same torment ; for now, though she complains thereof, no one it seems will believe her.
The extremity of this pain also contributes to her torment, since she neither wishes for solitude as others do, nor for any company, except for those persons to whom she might be able to complain. It is with her as with one who has a halter about his neck ; and who, while he is strangling,
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endeavors to take his breath ; and thus does this desire for company seem to me to be the effect of our natural weakness. And as this pain puts us in danger of death (that such is the effect is certain, for sometimes I have seen myself in this danger, through my great infirmities and other occasions which I have mentioned ; and I think I may say that this danger is as great as all the rest); so the desire which both body and soul have not to be separated, is that which asks the help of taking breath ; and, by expressing the desire, and complaining, and diverting itself, it seeks for some means of living, though much against the will of the spirit, or of the superior part of the soul, which does not wish to be free from this pain.
I know not if I am correct in what I say, or if I know how to speak ; but to the best of my judgment, this is the state of the soul. Your Reverence may now see what kind of ease I can enjoy in this life, since that which I used to find in prayer and solitude (for therein our Lord consoled me much) is now changed into this torment; and yet it is so delicious, and the soul sees it to be of such value, that she now delights in it more than in all those other caresses she used to enjoy. It seems to her more secure, because it is the way of the cross, and it possesses in itself a pleasure of great value also, in my opinion ; because she allows the body nothing but pain, and the soul is that which suffers, and which alone feels the joy and content which this suffering gives her. I know not how all this can be, but yet it is so ; and I would not change this favor which our Lord bestows upon me (which comes from His hand, as I have said, and is in no way acquired by me, because it is entirely supernatural), for all those others which I shall afterwards speak of : I say not, for all of them together, but for miy one of them taken separately. With regard to these impetuosities, it must be remembered that they happened after those favors which our Lord first bestowed upon me, and also after all that whereof I shall make mention in this book, and likewise after having received that favor which our Lord now gives me. As I was in some fear at the beginning (and this happens aln.ost always when our Lord does me any favor, until, as I proceed, I receive some security from His Majesty), He told me "not to
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fear," but to esteem this favor greater than all the others He had bestowed upon me, because the gpul was purified by this
" pain, and was burnished and refined, as gold was in the crucible, that so she might be better prepared for receiving the enamels of His gifts ; and that being purified here, she might have the less to suffer in purgatory. I knew well that this was a great favor : but after this I enjoyed much more security, and my confessor also tells me that it is good. And though I was formerly afraid, yet, because I am so wicked, I could never believe it was bad ; but rather, the very great ness of the benefit gave me a certain fear, when I remembered how far I was from deserving it. Blessed be the Lord who is so good. Amen.
I think I have wandered from my subject, for I began by speaking of raptures ; but what I have just been speaking of is much greater than raptures, and so it leaves those effects in the soul, which I have been relating. I will now speak of these raptures, and of that which usually happens therein. I wish to mention then, how the rapture often left my body so light, that all the weight thereof was quite taken away, and sometimes to such a degree, that I hardly knew how to set my feet on the ground. But when the soul is in. a rapture, the body remains as it were dead, being
I/often unable to do anything at all of herself; and as it happens to be at the time, so it remains, whether it be in a sitting posture, or whether the hands be opened or closed ; for though she loses her senses a few times (and the same has happened to me now and then), yet they have been seldom entirely lost, and then only for a short time. The usual effect is, that she is disturbed a little ; and though she can do nothing of herself, as far as regards the exterior, yet, she is able both to understand and to hear, as if some thing were spoken to her from afar off. I say not that she understands and hears when she is in the very height of her rapture ( I use the words, " the very height"), at that time " when the faculties are lost, because they are very closely united with God ; and then, in my opinion, she neither sees nor hears. But, as I mentioned in the former prayer of Union, this total transformation of the soul into God continues only for a short time ; but, as long as it lasts, no power of
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the soul either feels or knows what passes there. And it seems to be for this object, that as long as we live in this world, it is not God's will we should understand what passes there, because we are not capable of understanding it : at least, I myself have experienced this.
ISut your lleverence* will perhaps ask me, how is it that raptures should sometimes last so many hours'? I answer, that what happened to m£ very often (as I have mentioned in the former prayer) is this : that we enjoy raptures only by intervals, and the soul often engulfs herself, or rather (to speak more correctly) our Lord engulfs the soul in Himself; and as He keeps her there for awhile, there remains only her will which she can make use of. As to the exercise of those other two powers, it seems to me to be like that of a needle on a sun-dial, which never stands still ; but yet when the Sun of Justice wishes, He makes them stop. This, I say, lasts but for a short time. As, however, the impulse and exaltation of the spirit were great, the will remains engulfed, and acts like a sovereign lady over all the operations of the body, because those other two restless powers wish to disturb her : the senses, however, do not disturb her. And thus they also are suspended, because our Lord is so pleased. The eyes, too, are mostly shut, though we may not wish to shut them ;. and if sometimes they be open, yet, as I have already mentioned, the soul does not consider nor advert to what she sees.
'1 he body is now much less able to do anything of herself; and even after the three powers have been united, it can do but little. Let him, therefore, to whom our Lord shall grant this favor, not be astonished when he sees the body so weak for many hours, and his memory and understanding some times so apt to wander. True it is, that souls are ordinarily, in this state, drowned in the praises of God, and in desiring to comprehend or understand what has taken place in them ; and even for this object they are not wholly awake, but like a person who has slept and dreamt a great deal, and is not yet quite awake. I have thus explained myself at some length, because I know there are persons at this time, and even iu this place, on whom our Lord has bestowed these favors : and if those who direct these relurious have not ex-
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perience in these matters, they will perhaps think, especially if they be not learned, that in these raptures the persons arc as it were dead. It is a subject of grief to consider how much one suffers from such confessors, who do not understand these matters, as I shall afterwards mention. Perhaps I know not what I say ; but your Reverence will understand if I should say anything to the purpose, since our Lord has already given you experience herein ; though as it is not long since you began, you may not perhaps have considered the subject so much as I have. But though I endeavored to do so very often, and to the best of my power, yet the body has not strength enough to stir itself, for the soul takes all its strength away with her. Thus a sick person often recovers his health, and she who was full of weakness and pain regains her strength, because great favors are given in this state. And sometimes (as I was saying) our Lord is pleased that the body also should experience a certain degree of joy, because it obeys what the soul desires. ^Yhen she has returned to herself, it may happen (if the rapture has been great), that she will go for a day or two, or even for three days, with the powers so absorbed, and as it were engulfed in God, that she seems out of herself.
But in this state she feels it painful to be still obliged to live in the world ; for now, having lost her weak feathers, others have come strong enough to enable her to fly well : now the banner of Christ is so directly unfurled, that there seems to remain nothing more but that the captain of this fort may either ascend himself, or be carried up to the highest tower, there to plant this standard for the glory of God She now looks upon those who are below as one who is already in safety ; for so far is she from fearing danger, that she rather wishes it, like one for whom victory is secured in a most certain manner. Now she sees very clearly how little all wordly things ought to be esteemed, and what a " nothing" they are. He who is in a high place sees many things. Now she does not wish to have any other will but the \\ill of our Lord, and she gives Him the keys of hers. From being a gardener, she has now become a governor : she wishes to do nothing but the will of God, nor does she desire to be the governor of herself, nor indeed of anything, not even of a
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single well in this garden ; and if there be anything good in it, she wishes His Majesty to divide the fruits thereof: for, from that time forward, she desires nothing of her ewn, but only that all things may be done in conformity with His will and for His glory. Everything happens in this way truly and really, if the raptures be real, and the soul enjoys the effects and advantages which I have mentioned. But if such are not the effects, I should doubt much whether the raptures come from God, but should rather be inclined to fear they were of that kind of ravings whereof St. Vincent speaks. This I know, and through experience I have seen that here the soul remains a queen over all things, and acquires in less than an hour so much liberty, that she is not able to know herself. But yet she knows well all this is not her own ; nor does she know how she came to obtain so great a blessing : still she understands clearly the exceeding great advantage which every one of these raptures brings with it. No one can believe all this but he who has experienced it himself; and therefore men cannot believe that a poor soul, which they knew was before so wicked, can so soon undertake to do such wonderful things, because she immediately resolves not to be content with serving onr Lord in small things, but to serve Him in most difficult matters also. But men are apt to imagine that such resolutions are only temptations and fool ishness. But if they would consider that they come not from herself, but from our Lord, to whom she has already given up the keys of her will, they would not wonder so much at it. I am of opinion, that a soul which arrives at this s neither says nor does anything of herself, but this Sovereign \>' King takes care of everything which is to be done. O my God ! how clearly does a soul see here the meaning of that verse, "Who will give me the wings of a dove?" The prophet David had reason to make this request, and so have we all. That " flight" is clearly meant which the soul takes, in order to raise herself above all creatures, and before all things above herself: but this "flight" is sweet; it is a pleasant flight, and a flight without noise What dominion does such a soul possess which our Lord conducts to this degree, that she looks down upon all things without being entangled by them ! How full of confusion is she for the
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time in which she was entangled by them ! Plow astonished at her blindness ! How full of compassion for those who still remain in this blindness, especially if they be people of prayer, and such as God is pleased to caress ! She desires to cry aloud, that so all may understand how much they have been deceived, and this she does sometimes ; and then men pour down upon her head a thousand persecutions ; they treat her as having but little humility, and as one who wishes to tench those from whom she ought rather to learn, especially if she be a woman, then they condemn her ; and perhaps they have reason for so doing, because they know not by what impulse she is moved. And as she knows not how to help herself on the one hand, so on the other she cannot forbear undeceiving those persons whom she loves, and whom she desires to behold free from the prison of this life, for the state wherein she was seems neither more nor less than a prison.
/ She is much afflicted at the thought of that time in which she attended to points of honor ; and for the error and de ceit into which she fell, by believing that to be honor which the world calls honor. She sees that it is a very gross lie, and that all men live in the practice of it. But now she un derstands that real honor is not false, but true ; and she esteems that to be worth something which indeed is so, and considers that to be nothing which is in reality so ; since all is nothing, and less than nothing, which will one day have an end, and because it does not please God. She laughs at herself for the time in which she made any account of mo ney, and had a desire for it : though in this particular I do not believe (and this is the truth) that I ever had any fault to confess ; but it would have been a fault to have esteemed or desired money in any way. If by means of it I could have purchased those blessings which I now see in myself, I might have valued it very much ; but the soul now perceives that such blessings are purchased best by leaving all things. And what is that which can be purchased by this money, which men so much desire ? Is it anything of value ? Any thing durable ? And for what object do we desire it ? A miserable repose is purchased, and dearly does it cost us; for often do we purchase hell by it, endless torments in
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everlasting fire ! 0 ! that all men, then, would resolve to consider it as earth, which is good for nothing ! In what harmony would the world then move ! How free from unjust contracts ! In what friendship would all men live, if they would not hanker after honors or riches ! In that case I think every evil would be remedied.
The soul also sees that there is great blindness respecting the delights of this world, and that by them nothing is pur chased, even for this life, but trouble and affliction. What trouble, and what little pleasure! What labor in vain! Here she perceives not only the cobwebs of her soul — that is, her great faults — but even the smallest grain of dust, be cause the Sun is very bright. And so, however much the soul may have labored to perfect herself, if this same Sun should truly strike her with its beams, then she sees how dusty everything is. It is like a glass full of water, which you think to be very pure and clear, if the sun do not shine upon it ; but when the sun does shine, you find it to be all full of animalculae. This comparison is literally true ; for before the soul is in this ecstasy, she thinks that she has been very careful not to offend God, and that she endeavored to do so to the best of her power. But when she has arrived so far, that this Sun of Justice makes her open her eyes, then she sees so many motes in them that she would be glad to shut them again ; for she has not yet become so strong, like the courageous eagle which bred her, as steadily to fix her eyes on this Sun. But however little she n.ay open them, she sees herself covered with imperfections, and then she remembers the verse, " Who shall be pure in Thy sight ?" When she beholds this Divine Sun, she is dazzled by the brightness thereof: but when she looks upon herself, her eyes are stopped up with clay ; and so this little dove is blind. And sometimes it happens that she remains entirely blind, being absorbed, amazed, and as it were out of herself, at all the greatness that -she beholds. Here true humility is acquired ; for she cares not either about speaking well of herself, or about others doing it : she wishes our Lord, and not herself, to divide the fruits of the garden, and so nothing sticks to her fingers. All the good that she has is directed and referred to God ; and if she should say anything of her-
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self, it is for His glory, for she knows that she has nothing of her own : of this she cannot be ignorant, even if she would, because she knows it by the very sight of her eyes, which are shut to the things of this world, but open for understand ing the truth, whether she is willing or no.