CHAPTER XIX.

THE SAINT BEGINS TO DECLARE THE EFFECTS WHICH THIS DEGREE OF PRAYER PRODUCES IN THE SOUL, ETC.
IN this prayer and union the soul is filled with so great tenderness as to be willing to dissolve herself, not through the pain she feels, but by the tears of joy wherewith she is bathed, without knowing how or when she shed them. But it gives her great delight to find this impetuosity of the fire allayed by water, which, however, makes it increase the more. This language may seem to be so much " gibberish ; " but so it is.
In this degree of prayer I have sometimes happened to be so entirely out of myself, that I knew not whether I were awake or asleep, or whether in truth I had been in the glory which I felt. I saw myself so bathed in the water, which came from my eyes with such force and speed, that it seemed as if it were poured down from some cloud in the heavens. 1 found that it was no dream ; and this happened at the beginning of this prayer, but it quickly passed away. The soul, however, remains so courageous, that if she could then be cut to pieces for God's sake, it would be a great consola tion to her. There are excited and renewed all her promises ; her heroic resolutions, the lively efficacy of her desires ; her abhorrence of the world : her very clearly seeing her own vanity ; and all this is observed much more perfectly and deeply than it was in her former prayers. Her humility becomes much stronger, because now she sees clearly that it was no diligence of hers which procured her this excessive and incomparable favor, nor was her diligence in any way instrumental in making her enjoy this favor ; she sees clearly that she is a most unworthy wretch, for if a clear beam of the sun should enter any room, the smallest cobweb cannot be concealed ; she sees her misery. She is also so free from
168 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
vain-glory, that it seems impossible for her to entertain it, because she has now before her eyes how little she is able tc perform, or rather that it is nothing at all ; and, also, that there was hardly so much as any consent of hers, but that it seems, whether she would or not, the gates of all her senses were shut up, in order that she might the better enjoy her Lord ; and as she remains alone with Him, what has she to do but to love Him? She neither can see nor hear, unless she be forced, and therefore there is little for which to thank her. Her former life is then represented to her with perfect truth, and also the great mercy of God. All this happens without the understanding being obliged to go in search of it, and there she sees ready prepared what she is to eat and understand. She sees also that of herself she deserves hell, and that instead thereof she receives glory, and not punish ment. Hence she consumes herself in the praises of God, and I should be glad to do the same now. " Blessed be Thou, 0 my Lord ! who having found me to be such impure water, hast vouchsafed to purify it in such a manner that it may be in some measure not unworthy of Thy table. Be Thou praised, 0 Joy of Angels ! who hast been pleased to exalt so base a worm."
This profit the soul retains for some time, and she already clearly understands thajt the fruit is not of her own growth ; she begins to give part of it to others, without feeling any want of it herself. She begins also to give signs of being a soul that guards heavenly treasures, and she is desirous of making others partake of them, beseeching God that she alone may not be rich. She begins to do good to her neighbors, almost without understanding it, or doing anything herself; but they who receive the benefit understand it well, because the flowers already yield so great a scent, that they make every one desirous of coming to them. People see she has great virtues, and that the fruit is tempting, and they would be glad to help her to eat it. If the earth of this garden (the soul) be cultivated, by labors, and persecu tions, and detractions, and sicknesses (and there are few who arrive so far without these things), and if it be loosened from all self-interest, the water sinks so very deep that the soil will scarce ever be dry. But if the soul have as many thorns
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 109
fcs I had in the beginning, — if she do not avoid all the occasions of sin, and if she neglect to acknowledge her obli gations to God for so great a favor, she soon again becomes dry. And if the gardener should grow negligent, and our Lord, through His sole goodness should not be willing to give the garden rain, you may give it up as ruined and destroyed. So did it happen to me several times ; and truly it amazes me to reflect upon it ; if I had not experienced it, I could not have believed it. I write thus for the comfort of such souls as are weak, like mine, that so they may never despair, nor once desist from confiding in the greatness of God, even though they should fall, after having been loaded with such favors as are here mentioned. They must not despair, unless they wish to be totally lost : tears gain everything : one brings another.
One of the reasons by which I have been animated (con sidering the wretched creature I am) to write this discourse by obedience, and to give an account of my wicked life, and of the favors our Lord had bestowed upon me (and these, not while I was serving, but offending Him), has been this : — I wish I were some person of great authority, that so men might believe me the more in this respect. I entreat our Lord that His Majesty may bestow the favor upon me. I say, that no one of those who have begun to use mental prayer should be dismayed by saying, " If I became wicked again, it would be worse for me to go on with the exercise of prayer." I believe this, if he should omit prayer, and not correct his life. But if he should not give up prayer, he may be confident it will lead him to the port of life. The devil made so fierce an attack upon me in this point, and I passed so long without prayer (thinking that, being so wicked as I was, it would be an act of greater humility to omit), I gave it over for about a year and a half, or for a year at least, for the half-year I do not remember so well. This was nothing more than making myself fall into hell, without need ing any devils for this purpose. 0 my God, what great blindness ! And how well the devil succeeds in his purpose, by laying so heavy a load upon us herein ! The traitor knows that he has lost the soul which perseveres in prayer, and that all those falls which he causes us to make, will fc"1* 15
170 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
assist us, through the goodness of God, to make us after wards advance more quickly in His service ; the devil knows all this.
0 my Jesus ! what a thing it is to see a soul who has arrived at this state fallen into sin ! In Thy mercy Thou dost lend her Thy hand to rise again : then will she know the multitude of Thy greatnesses and mercies, and her own misery. Then she comes to annihilate herself in earnest, and to understand Thy greatness : here she presumes not to raise up her eyes to heaven, though yet she raises her thoughts to consider and understand her obligations to Him. Here she becomes devoted to the Queen of Heaven, that she by her prayers may appease Thee. Here she invokes those saints who fell, after Thou didst once call them to Thy service, in order that they may assist her. Here she believes, that whatever crosses Thou dost send, they are all too light, because she sees she does not deserve the very ground on which she stands. Here she has recourse to the Sacraments, and to that lively faith which remains in her, from seeing the great efficacy Grod has given them. She praises Thee for having left such ointments and medicine for the cure of our wounds ; and these not only close them, but heal them entirely : at all this she is amazed. And who, 0 Lord of my soul ! ought not to be amazed at so great mercy and in creased favors, in spite of treasons which are so foul and abominable, that I wonder how my heart does not break when I write these things, because I am a wicked wretch. And yet it seems as if I wished to make Thee some kind of satisfaction for so many treasons, by shedding these few poor tears, given by Thee, and which, as far as' concerns me, are but so much water drawn from a muddy well. Still, I am always committing evil, and endeavoring to frustrate the favors which Thou hast done me. Be pleased, 0 my Lord, to give value to my tears. Make the.se tears, 0 Lord, acceptable to Thee : purify the troubled water of my soul, that so no temptation may be given to any one, of forming rash judgments, as was the case with me ; for I often thought, why Thou dost pass over, 0 Lord, other very holy people, wno have always served Thee and suffered for Thee, and Lave been brought up in religion, and who are indeed truly
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 171
religious ; and not like me, who had nothing more than the name : and yet I see clearly Thou hast not shown such favors to them as Thou hast to me. But I know well, 0 my Eternal God ! Thou keepest their reward in store, that Thou mayest give it to them altogether, and that my weakness requires such treatment. But those others, like valiant men, serve Thee without it, and so Thou treatest them as Thou wouldst people strong in courage who have no interest of their own.
But notwithstanding all this, Thou knowest, 0 Lord, that often I cried out before Thee, excusing those persons who spoke against me, because I thought they had too much reason for what they said. But this happened, 0 Lord ! when already, through Thy goodness, Thou hadst prevented me from offending Thee so much ; and when I was already endeavoring to avoid whatever might offend Thee. Arid when I began to do this, Thou, 0 Lord ! didst begin to open Thy treasures to this Thy servant. And it seems Thou didst expect nothing more, than that I might be inclined and pre pared to receive them ; so quickly didst Thou begin, not only to bestow them, but to wish that men should know Thou hadst given them.
And when this was known, some began to have a good opinion of me, though all were not aware how wicked I was : still a great deal of my wickedness transpired. Then men began, all at once, to calumniate me, and persecute me ;. and, in my opinion, not without great cause. But still, I enter tained no enmity against any one, but only besought Thee to consider what reasons they had. They said that I wished to pass for a saint, and that I invented certain novelties, though 1 was not then able, by a great deal, even to fulfil all the duties of my rule ; nor had I overtaken, in the way of virtue, those most pious and religious nuns who were in the monas tery. And I think I shall never be able to arrive thereto, unless God in His goodness be pleased to perform everything on His side ; rather was I inclined to do away with every thing which was good, and to establish certain customs which were not good : at least, I did what I could to introduce them ; and in doing evil I always had power enough : and thus men blamed me without any fault of theirs. I do not
172 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
say that they were nuns only ; other persons also told me truths, because Thou didst permit them.
When once I was saying my office, and came to this verse, "Thou art just, 0 Lord! and Thy judgments are right," as I was sometimes subject to this temptation, I began to consider how true these words were. In this respect, the devil never had any power to tempt me so far, as to make me doubt but that Thou, 0 Lord ! art the author of all goodness ; nor could he prevail over me in anything relating to Faith : rather did it seem to me, that the more the articles of faith were above nature, the more firmly did I believe them, and the more devotion they excited within me. And as Thou art omnipotent, all the manifestations of Thy greatness which Thou mightest display, I resolved upon to ex ecute; and of this (as I have said) I had no doubt. And when I was afterwards considering how, since Thou art just, Thou couldst permit so many dear servants of Thine to be without having received those favors and caresses which Thou didst bestow upon me, Thou didst return this answer : " Serve Me, and do not trouble thyself about anything else." These were the first words which I heard You speak to me, and therefore I was greatly astonished thereat. I will afterwards declare this manner of hearing and understand things, together with other matters. I do not wish to speak of them here, for they would be out of place, and I think I have wandered from my subject already : indeed, I scarcely know what I have said. But it cannot be otherwise, and your lleverenee must bear with these interruptions ; for when I consider how much God has endured from me, and when I see mvself in this state, it will not be strange if I lose the thread of what I say, and of what I intend saying.
May our Lord grant that all my wanderings may be of this kind ; and may His Majesty never permit me to wander a hair's breadth from Him; rather may I be consumed, even at this very moment. It is sufficient to consider his great mercies towards me, by which He has pardoned my base in gratitude, not once, but many times. He pardoned Peter once, but me He pardoned often : and hence, with reason did the devil tempt me, hoping that I would not pretend to
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 178
hold any close friendship with One to whom I had been so public an enemy. How great was this blindness of mine ! And where could I think, 0 my Lord ! of finding any remedy, but in Thee ? What folly was it to fly from the light, and to go on forever stumbling in the dark ! What an arrogant humility was it which the devil invented for me, by persuading me no longer to support myself against that pillar and staff which could prevent my fall from being so great ! I am now at this moment blessing myself, for I think I never escaped so imminent a danger as this deceit which the devil taught me by the way of humility. IIo made me think it would be impossible that so wretched a creature as I am, and who had received such great favors from God, should ever be able to arrive at mental prayer ; that it would be sufficient if I said those vocal prayers to which I was bound, like all the others did ; but that now, since I did not perform even these prayers well, why should I wish to do more ? This would imply little reverence for God, and it would be undervaluing his favors. It was pro fitable to think arid to know all this : but to put it in execu tion would have been a very great evil. Be thou blessed,
0 Lord ! who didst supply me with a remedy ! for this temptation seems to have been nothing less than the begin ning of that which the devil brought upon Judas ; but the traitor did not dare to attack me so openly as he did Judas : he approached by little and little, just as he attacked him.
Let all those who use mental prayer consider this well, for the love of God. Let them know that during the time
1 omitted using it, my life was much worse. Behold, what a fine remedy the devil gave me, and what admirable humility that was which produced in my soul only trouble and un easiness ! But how, indeed, cuuld my soul find repose ? The wretched creature, abandoned her true repose : she remem bered her favors and graces, and she found that the plea sures of this world were loathsome. I wonder how I could have remained so long in this state. It was with the hope that I might remain very free from sin ; for as far as I re member (though it is now more than twenty-one years), I was always resolved to return to mental prayer. But oh ! how ill-grounded was my hope ' But though 1 afterwards
15*
174 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
gave myself to prayer and reading (which were capable of making me see the truth, and of discovering to me the evil course I was holding), and though I often prayed to our Lord with many tears, yet I was so "very wicked and wretched, that I knew not how to help myself: and as more over I began to omit these good practices, and to employ myself in idle pastimes, and to expose myself to many occa sions of sin, having at the same time but very few helps (or rather, I should say, none at all), what else could I expect but to lose my soul ? I believe that a certain religious, of the order of St. Dominic, a very learned man, had much merit before God : for he it was who roused me from my lethargy. He made me (as I think I have already men tioned) receive the Blessed Sacrament every fortnight ; and my misery being then not so great, I began to return to my self again, though I still committed some offences against our Lord. But because I had not lost my way, I still went on falling and rising by little and little. But he who per severes in going forward, will at length arrive at the end of his journey, though perhaps late. To me it seems one and the same thing for a soul to lose her way and to leave off her prayer : may our Lord deliver us from this evil, for His mercy's sake.
The conclusion to be drawn from what I have said (and I desire it may be well attended to, for the love of our Lord,) is this : that though a soul may arrive at such a de gree as to induce our Lord to bestow many favors upon her in prayer, yet she must not place any confidence in herself, since she may fall ; nor must she on any account expose herself to occasions of sin. Let her consider this well ; for the deceit which the devil may employ afterwards is very great ; and though the favors received might most certainly be from God, yet the traitor will not fail to take advantage of these favors in whatever way he can, especially against persons who are not strong in virtue and mortification, nor entirely disengaged from this world ; such should remember, that they are not, by means of this prayer, sufficiently forti fied (as I shall afterwards declare,) if they should place themselves in dangerous occasions, however strong their de sires and resolutions may be. This is excellent doctrine ;
LI*FE OF ST. TERESA. 175
and it is not mine, but taught by God himself ,- and so I shall be glad if all ignorant persons, like myself, would learn it, because though a soul may have arrived at this de gree of prayer, she must never trust herself so far as to go forth to the combat ; she will do enough if she can defend herself. In this state it will be necessary for her to use arms, to defend herself against the devils, for as yet she has not strength enough to attack them, and much less to tread them under her feet, as those persons will be able to do who shall have arrived at that state of which I shall afterwards speak. This is a deceit of the devil, by which he imposes upon us, viz., that when once he sees a soul has arrived so near to God as to see what a difference there is between the joys of this life and the next, and to know what love our Lord shows to her, from this very love he makes such a confidence and security to arise, as if she would never fall away from what she is enjoying. She also appears to see her reward so clearly, that she is easily induced to consider it impossible for her to leave that which, even in this life, is so pleasant and delightful, for the pleasures of this world, which are so base and insignificant. By this confidence the devil deprives her of that distrust she ought to have in her own strength ; and thus (as I was saying) she exposes herself to danger, and begins with great zeal to give away to others, without . any rule or measure, the fruit of her garden, thinking she has no longer any reason to be afraid of herself. And she imagines this is not done through pride (for the soul knows well she can do nothing of herself ) but through the great confidence she has in God. But all this is done without discretion, because she does not consider that she has as yet hardly any feathers : she may indeed get out of the nest, and God himself takes her out ; but she cannot fly, because her virtues are not yet strong enough ; neither has she suffi cient experience to know her dangers, nor is she aware of the evil which arises from putting confidence in herself.
This is what ruined me ; and hence a director and con versation with spiritual persons are very necessary for this and other objects. I am fully persuaded that when God once brings a soul to this state, He will continue to caress her, and not suffer her to perish, if she do not entirely forsake
176 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
Him. But if she should fall, let her consider, and consider again, for the love of God, lest the devil should deceive her, by inducing her to omit mental prayer, as he induced me under a false humility : this I have already mentioned, and I wish to mention it very often. But let her trust in the goodness of God, which is greater than all the sins we can commit ; and let her hope that lie will not remember our in gratitude, when knowing ourselves we wish to return to His friendship again, nor the favors He has bestowed upon us, so as to make us be punished for them ; but that rather they will obtain pardon for us so much the sooner, as for persons who have belonged to His house, and have eaten of His bread, as the saying is, let them remember His words, and consider how He has proceeded with me ; for I grew tired with offending His Majesty, before He grew tired with par doning me. Never does he grow weary in giving ; never can His mercies be dried up ; and so let us never grow weary of receiving His favors. May He be blessed forever, Amen. May all creatures praise Him.