CHAPTER XIII.

SHE CONTINUES THE FIRST DEGREE OF PRATER, AX» GIVES ADVICE AGAINST CERTAIN TEMPTATIONS, WHICH ARE SOMETIMES BROUGHT ON BT THE DEVIL.
I THINK it proper to speak on certain temptations, which I have noticed occur in the beginning, and which I have also experienced myself: I will give some advice icspccting them, which I consider necessary. A beginner, then, should en deavor to go on with cheerfulness and liberty, for some per sons seem to think their devotion will vanish, if they should take any little recreation. It is certainly proper to have a fear of one's self, that so we may entirely distrust ourselves in not putting ourselves in the occasions in which we are accustomed to offend God ; and this distrust will be very necessary until we become perfectly confirmed in virtue. Few there are who are so confirmed, that they can safely trust themselves in occasions which are conformable to their natural inclinations ; indeed, as long as we live in this world, it is well to know our miserable nature, were it only for the sake of humility. But there are many occasions when it is allowed (as I have mentioned) to take recreation, in order that we may return to prayer with greater strength ; but in all things discretion is necessary, and likewise great confi dence in God ; for it is not proper to be diminishing our de sires, but we must trust in Him. And if we use our utmost exertions, we may by little and little, though not immediately, arrive at tire same perfection the saints did, by the Divine
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assistance. And if these had never resolved to aspire thereto, and had .not endeavored by decrees to execute their resolves, they would never have reached so high a state. His Majesty loves, and is a, friend of courageous souls, pro vided they proceed with humility, and have no confidence in themselves. I have not seen any one of such souls remain behind on the road ; and, on the other hand, I have never seen any cowardly soul (though provided with the safeguard of humility) — who has advanced as much in many years, as those others have in a very few years. I am amazed when I consider how much is done in this way, by animating our selves to do great things ; and though the soul may not have sufficient strength to perform them immediately, yet she takes a flight, and mounts high, though, like a bird not yet well feathered, she grows tired and reposes herself.
Formerly I often considered what St. Paul says : " I can do all things in Him who strengthens me." As for myself, I knew well I could do nothing. I also gained great profit from the words of St. Augustine : " Give what Thou com- mandest, and command what Thou wilt." I often thought that St. Peter lost nothing by throwing himself into the sea, though afterwards he was afraid. These first resolutions are of great importance, though in this first degree it is neces sary that we should proceed with discretion, and do nothing without the advice of a director. But we must take care that He be one who will not teach us to go along like toads, nor to hunt after lizards ; humility must ever precede, that so we may understand this strength does not come from our selves. But we should first understand what kind of humility this must be ; for I think the devil does those who practice prayer much harm, and prevents them from advanc ing, by causing them not to understand what humility pro perly is : and by endeavoring to make them think it is a species of pride to have heroic desires, and to wish for mar tyrdom, and to be anxious to imitate the saints. He imme diately tells us, or makes us suppose, that the actions of the saints are only to be admired, not imitated, by us sinners. This I say likewise ; only we must consider what in par ticular is to be admired, and what imitated. It would not be proper for a weak and sickly person to fast much, or use
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severe penances, or go into a desert where lie could neither sleep, nor get anything to eat, and so on. But we should be convinced, that we may, by the Divine assistance, strive to have a great contempt for the world ;. not to esteem honors, nor to be attached to riches. Our hearts are, how ever, so very narrow, that if we neglect a little the concerns of the bodv, in order to give more attention to the soul, it seems to us as if we should have no ground to stand upon. It seems a help to recollection not to be in want of necessary things ; for cares of any kind interrupt prayer. I am grieved that we should have so little confidence in God, and so much self love as to be disturbed by any care. But the truth is, that when a soul has made but little progress, trifles will give as great trouble to some persons as matters of great importance do to others ; and yet in our own minds we pre sume to think ourselves spiritual men. This way of acting seems to me to imply a desire of satisfying our soul and body in such a way as to take our ease in this world, and to hope to enjoy God in the next. And this will be the case, if we walk in justice and adhere to virtue ; still it is but the pace of a hen, and never will it enable us to enjoy true liberty of spirit. This seems a good method of proceeding for those who are married, and who must act in conformity with their vocation ; but for any other state to advance in that way, I on no account desire ; nor will people ever make me believe it is a good way, for I have tried it myself, and I should always have continued in that road, if our Lord in His goodness had not taught me another shorter way.
It is true, I always had great desires, and I endeavored (as I have said) to practice prayer, though at the same time I wished to live at my ease. But I believe that if I could have found any one to encourage me to fly higher, I should have endeavored to execute those desires. But, through our sins, few there are who have over-much discretion for such cases ; and this I think is one great reason why begin ners do not advance more quickly on towards perfection. Our Lord never fails on His part : it is we ourselves who are faulty and miserable.
Persons may also imitate saints, in loving solitude and keeping silence, and practicing many other virtues that will 11*
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not destroy these our miserable bodies, which with so much care we desire to preserve, even at the risk of injuring the soul. The devil, too, helps us a great deal to make us un able to do these things : for when lie sees we have some little fear, he desires no more than to persuade us that everything will be apt to kill us, or at least to deprive us of our health ; and if we should have the gift of tears, he will try to make us fear we shall lose our sight. I have passed through these temptations, and therefore know them ; and I know also, that we cannot desire a better kind of life or health than to lose them both in such a cause. Being so infirm myself, I was always tied up, and unable to do anything, till I resolved to make no account at all of my health, or to care for my body : even now I can do but little. But as soon as our Lord was pleased I should discover this trick of the devil, I told him, whenever he represented to me the danger of losing my health, that " my death would be of little consequence;" if he represented to me the necessity of rest, I told him " thas it was not ease which I now wanted, but the cross :" and so I acted in other cases. Though I am certainly very infirm, yet I saw clearly that in many things it was either a temptation of the devil, or my own laziness. But as I am not so nice and delicate as formerly, I now enjoy much bet ter health. It is therefore of great importance, that those who begin to practice mental prayer be not disturbed or ter rified by their thoughts: let them believe me in this point, for I have sonic experience therein ; and perhaps it may be of some use to mention these my faults, that so others may take warning by me.
There is another very common temptation, which is this : to desire that all may become very spiritual, as soon as we ourselves begin to taste the calm and advantages which come from prayer. To desire this object is not bad ; but to en deavor to effect it might prove hurtful, unless great discre tion be used, and also some dissimulation, in such a way as not to let it appear that we are teaching. Whoever wishes to do some good in this respect, must have some very solid virtues, so as not to give any temptation to others. This happened to me, and therefore I understand it; for when (as I have mentioned) I was endeavoring to make others
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practice prayer, and when, on the one hand, they heard me speak on sublime subjects, and of the great benefits which come from prayer — and when, on the other hand, they per ceived how few virtues I possessed, I led them into tempta tion and disorder. I could not be surprised at this, and they themselves told me as much afterwards, for they knew not how these two could be reconciled with each other : and it caused them not to think that to be evil which indeed was so, because they saw me do it sometimes, when they had a good opinion of me. And this the devil effects, who it seems takes advantage of the virtues we possess, in order to authorize, as far as possible, the evil which he strives to ac complish. And however little that may be, when it is com mitted in a community, it gains much thereby ; and how much more when the evil which I did was very great ! And thus in many years, there were only three persons who pro fited by what I said to them. And when afterwards our Lord had bestowed upon me more solid virtue, many profited by me in two or three years, as I shall afterwards mention. But besides this, there is another great inconvenience, viz., when the soul makes no progress ; because the chief thing we ought to mind at first, is to take care of our soul ah me, and to consider as if there were no one in the world besides God and herself: this is a very important point.
There is also another temptation (and all such temptations come with a zeal for virtue, and it is necessary to understand them, and to use caution), arising from the trouble which men feel for the sins and defects that they observe in otheis. The devil endeavors to persuade us, that this grief is entertained by us only because we desire they should not offend God, and that we are troubled because His honor is insulted. Then we immediately desire to remedy this evil, and we thus become so restless that it hinders prayer , but the greatest misfortune is, thtt we think this to be virtue, perfection, and great zeal for God's glory. I speak not of that affliction which public sins cause, when a community is in the habit of committing them, nor of other calamities of the Church, such as heresies, whereby we see so many souls are lost ; for this is a very good affliction, and, being good, it does not disturb the soul. But the secure way for a soul
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which desires to practice prayer, will be to forget all persons and all things, to keep an account with herself, arid to please God. It is very proper to do this ; for if I should relate all the errors I have seen committed on account of the con fidence men have put in their good intentions, I should never make an end Let us, then, always endeavor to consider the virtues and good qualities which we perceive in others, and to conceal their defects by the consideration of our own great sins. This is a kind of work, which, though we cannot perform with perfection in a short time, yet we may gain great virtue thereby ; and this consists in esteeming all others better than ourselves. This we begin to acquire by the grace of God, of which we have need in everything ; and when this is wanting, all our endeavors are useless : we must therefore pray for this virtue, and if we use all diligence, God will not be wanting to any one. Let those, also, who discourse much with the understanding, consider well this advice, for they are able to draw many thoughts and ideas from one subject. Hut as for those who are unable, like myself, to work with this faculty, there is no necessity to give them advice, but only to have patience till our Lord gives them matter, by which they may occupy themselves, and light, also ; since they can do so little by themselves, that their understanding hinders more than it helps them.
But to return to those who discourse with the understand ing: these I would advise not to spend all their time in this exercise ; for though it be very meritorious, yet as prayer is so sweet, they think there will be no Sunday, nor any season wherein they will not be obliged to labor, and therefore they immediately suppose all that time is lost; whereas I think that loss is great gain. But let them (as 1 have said) represent themselves to be in the presence of Christ ; and, without tiring the understanding, let them speak and regale themselves with Him, arid not be fatiguing themselves in composing discourses, but only present their necessities, and acknowledge themselves unworthy to be allowed to appear in His presence. Some of these considerations maybe used atone time, and some at another, that so the soul may not grow tired of always feeding on the same food : they are also very •weet and very profitable, if once we accustom ourselves to
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feed on them, for they bring with them great support for giving life to the soul, as well as much profit.
But I will explain my meaning a little more, because these points connected with prayer are all difficult ; and it' we have not a director, they are very hard to understand. And this is the reason why, though I wish to be short (for it would be sufficient merely to touch upon them, on account of the abilities of him who commanded me to write these particulars on prayer), yetmydulness is not able to declare, nor explain in a few words, a subject which it is so important to explain well. And because I suffered so much myself, I have com passion on those who begin to practice prayer by using only books ; for there is a wonderful difference between what we draw from them and what we learn afterwards by experience. But to return now to what I was saying. Let us begin by considering some part of our Saviour's passion ; as, for example, His being bound to the pillar. Here let the under standing search out the causes which produced those immense sorrows and pains which II is Majesty endured in that afflic tion, and so on with regard to other points ; and if the understanding know how to meditate, or the person be learned, he may draw many lessons from such a subject. This is a method of prayer in which every one may both begin, and proceed, and make an end ; and it will be a very excellent and secure way, till our Lord shall be pleased to raise them to other supernatural things. I say "everyone," though there may be many souls who will gain more profit by other meditations, than from the Sacred Passion ; for, as there are many mansions in heaven, so also there are many ways thither. Some persons profit by meditating on hell, and others by considering the joys of heaven, and others by thinking on death; and others again, if they.be tender- hearted, grieve too much, and disturb their mind, if they are always meditating on the Passion ; while they are more con soled, and profit more, by considering the power and great ness of God in His creatures, and the love He bears us, which is manifested to us in everything. This is an admirable way of proceeding, though at the s line time we must not forget frequently to meditate on the life and Passion of Christ,
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this being the source whence all our good is to come, and does still come.
A beginner should consider what he gains most by ; and for this purpose it is very necessary to have a director, if he can meet with an experienced man : if he be not experienced he may commit many errors, and guide a soul without under standing her, or allowing her to understand herself; for as the beginner knows how very meritorious it is to subject one's self to a director, so he will not dare to depart from what he shall command. I have met with some persons who were afflicted and placed in difficulties, because he who was their guide and instructor had no experience, and I was very sorry for them : others also I have seen who knew not what to do with themselves ; for, not understanding spiritual matters, they afflict themselves both in body and soul, and prevent any advancement in prayer. A person once told me she had a director, who for eight years would not allow her to pass from the consideration of herself, and yet our Lord had already raised her to the prayer of Quiet, and thus she had great trouble. And though this consideration of one's self ought never to be omittted, nor should any soul given to prayer think herself so strong, as not often to stand in need of becoming a child. This must never be forgotten, and perhaps I shall speak more about it, because it is very im portant, and also because there is no degree of prayer so high in which it will not be necessary to return again to the first principles. And this knowledge of ourselves and of our sins, is the bread with which all our meals ought to be eaten in this road of prayer : for, however sumptuous these meals may be, they cannot nourish us without we have this bread. This, however, must be taken as it were by weight and measure ; for when a soul sees herself already humbled, and is deeply persuaded she is good for nothing, and blushes to behold herself in the presence of so great a King, and sees how little she repays Him for all she is indebted to Him, what necessity is there to spend so much time upon this point, without applying ourselves to other subjects which our Lord may place before us, and which it would not be proper for us to omit ? Our Lord knows better than we do what is proper for us to feed on.
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Hence it is very important for the director to be skilful (I mean of good understanding) and also experienced ; and if he be learned, in addition to this, it will be a very great advantage. Should, however, these three conditions not be found united together, the two first will prove more useful and important than the third, because we may easily consult learned men whenever we have occasion. But learned directors, if they be not experienced in prayer, can be of little use to beginners ; yet, I do not say we should not confer with such men, for I myself would prefer to consult a learned conf-ssor who did not practice prayer, than a man of prayer who was not learned, for the latter could not guide me in the truth. Learning is very necessary, since it instructs us who know but little, and gives us light ; and when we come near the truths of Holy Scripture, then we do what we ought ; but as for silly and foolish devotions, may our Lord deliver us from them.
I wish to explain myself more, for I think I say too many things at once : but this was always my fault, not to be understood (as I have before remarked), except at the expense of many words.
A nun, for example, begins to practice prayer ; and if some simple man should direct her, he will capriciously give her to understand, that it is better to obey Am than her superior : and this he does without any malice, but simply because he thinks he is in the right ; and being a Religious, she thinks that what he says must be correct. If the person be married, he will tell her that it is better to apply herself to prayer, during the time when she ought to be engaged about her household work, even though she should displease her husband thereby ; hence she knows not how to dispose of her time or of her business, that so all may go on in order, &c. As the director has not light himself, he cannot give it to others, though he may desire to do so; for this purpose learning may not seem so necessary ; but my opinion is and always has been, that all Christians should endeavor to consult with learned men about their souls, and the better. Those who walk along the road of prayer have greater need than others to meet with such men, and the more spiritual they are, the better it will be for them. Let
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not people deceive themselves by saying, " that learned men not accustomed to prayer are not fit directors for those who practice it." I have had occasion to consult many, and for the last few years more than usual, because I had greater need of them. 1 have always been very friendly with learned men ; for though some of them have no experience, yet they do not dislike spiritual persons, nor are they ignorant of spiritual matters, because in the Holy Scriptures, which they study, they always find these matters are not without some truth. I am convinced, that a person given to prayer, if she take the advice of learned directors, will never be deceived by the illusions of the devil, unless she wish to deceive herself. I believe the devil is exceedingly afraid of learning, provided it be accompanied with humility and other virtues, for he knows he will be discovered and will suffer loss.
I have said thus much, because some think that learned men are not fit for persons given to prayer, unless they also be spiritual men. I have already said that it is necessary to have a spiritual director : and if he be not learned, great inconvenience may arise. And yet it will help us much to treat with learned men, provided they be virtuous ; for though they may not be spiritual, they will benefit us, and God will give them to understand what to teach us ; He will even make them spiritual, that so they may advance us in virtue. I do not mention this without having some ex perience of it, for I have met with more than two such directors. I say, therefore, that if a person give herself up entirely to the will of one single confessor, she will commit a great error, unless she endeavor to find one who is learned also : and especially if the individual be a man belonging to some Religious Order, because he must be subject to his superior, who perhaps might want all the three qualities mentioned above ; this would be no little cross to him ; and, besides, he might be submitting his understanding to the will of one who had not a good understanding himself. I, at least, could never prevail on myself to do this, neither did I think it proper.
But if the person should be a secular, let him beg of God that he may choose a man to whom he will subject himself, and let him not lose this virtuous liberty : he might even
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remain for a time without any director till he find a fit one, for our Lord will certainly give him such a one if he become deeply grounded in humility, and has a desire to make a proper choice. I myself admire such a director exceedingly ; and both men and women, who are not learned, should always give great thanks to God, that there are some who with such pains have found out the truth, of which we, being unlearned, are ignorant. I am often astonished in considering with what trouble learned men, especially those in a Religious Order, have acquired that which is so advantageous to me, and which I learn without any trouble, except that of asking them; and can any one be unwilling to benefit himself by if? God forbid ! I see these persons subject themselves to the mortifications of the religious life, which are great ; to penances, to poor diet, to obedience, to want of sleep : I see that every thing is a mortification, every thing a cross, and sometimes the thought thereof throws me into some confusion ; and I think what a great evil it would be for any one to lose such a benefit by his own fault. And there may be some amongst ourselves who are free from these austerities (or at least, if we feed upon them, we have them well dressed, as the expression is), and we live at our ease ; but because we give a little more time to prayer, we may fancy that we excel those who are accustomed to such great austerities. Blessed be Thou, 0 Lord ! who hast made me so useless and incapable of good ! yet I praise Thee most sincerely, because thou hast raised up so many to excite us to virtue. "VVe should, there fore, continually offer up our prayers for those who give us light ; for what should we do without them, amidst such terrible tempests as the Church is now in ? If some men have been wicked, the good will shine the brighter : may our Lord hold them by His hand and help them, that so they may help us. Amen.
I have digressed from what I first intended to say, but all is useful for beginners who commence this sublime way of prayer in such manner, that they may see themselves placed in the true road of salvation. To return then to what I was saying, about thinking of Chri.st bound to the pillar : it is good to discourse a while, and meditate on the pains He endured there, and why lie endured them, and who it is that 12
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endured them, and also to consider the love wherewith He bore them. But we should not weary ourselves with seeking out these reasons, but only dwell upon them with a calm understanding. If possible, we should employ ourselves in considering who looks upon us ; and we should accompany Him, and pray to Him, and humble ourselves before Him, and regale ourselves with Him, remembering that our Lord deserved not to be there. Whenever we are able to do this, though it should be at the very commencement of our prayer, we shall find great benefit from it; indeed, many benefits are gained by this kind of prayer, — at least my soul found it so. I know not if what I have said be correct : your Reverence will consider this : but may our Lord be pleased, that I may not fail in always pleasing Him. Amen.