CHAPTER XL

SHE DECLARES IN WHAT THE FAULT CONSISTS OF NOT LOVINO GOD WITH PERFECTION IN A SHORT TIME: THIS SHE BEGINS TO DECLARE BT A COMPARISON, CONTAINING FOUR DEGREES OF PRAYER.
IN speaking, then, of those who begin to be servants of love (and it seems to me to be nothing else than to resolve to follow Him, who has loved us so much), I find it to be so great a dignity, that even the very thinking of it delights me in a particular manner ; for servile fear goes away imme diately, if we conduct ourselves as we ought in this first de gree of prayer. 0 Lord of my soul ! and my eternal Good ! how is it that when a soul is determined to love Thee, and to do what she can to leave all things, that so she may em ploy herself the better on this love of Thee — how is it Thou art not pleased that she should immediately rejoice in having attained this perfect love ? But no ; I ought to have said, it is of ourselves that we have reason to complain, because we do not desire it : all the fault is ours in not immediately enjoying this love with perfection : true love of God brings with it every blessing. But we are so fond of ourselves, and so slow in giving ourselves entirely to God, that as His Majesty on the one hand will not allow us to enjoy so pre cious a treasure without paying a great price for it, so on the other we must never omit disposing ourselves to receive it. I see clearly, that there is nothing on this earth which can purchase so great a treasure ; but if we did what we could to prevent ourselves from clinging to the things of this world, and if all our care and conversation were directed to heaven, I am confident that very speedily this blessing would be given to us, if we quickly and entirely were to dispose ourselves to receive it, as some saints have done. But the truth is, we think we give all to God, whereas we offer Him only the rent, or fruits. Keeping in the meantime the roots, and possession of the land ourselves, we resolve to be poor, and this is great merit ; but often do we employ all our care and diligence in seeing that we want nothing, not only of
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what is necessary, but of what is even superfluous ; and we are also careful to meet with friends who will procure these things for us ; and thus we expose ourselves to greater trou ble, and perhaps greater danger, than we were in before, when we had possession of our own estates ; and all that nothing may be wanting to us. It seems, also, that in be coming " religious," or when we begin to lead a spiritual life, and to follow perfection, we cared not for the honor of this world ; and yet, as soon as ever our honor is in any degree touched, we forget that we gave it all to God, and we wish to snatch it from the hands of God (as they say), and so run away with it, even after we had freely made Him Lord of it, as we thought : and this is the case in all other things. This is an odd way of seeking the love of God — to desire to possess it entirely, and as it were in handfuls, and yet still to retain our old affections, and not endeavor to ful fil our good desires, nor wish to raise them from the earth, though we expect to enjoy many spiritual consolations at the same time. But these two extremes cannot well agree, nor is there, in my opinion, any relation between them : and therefore, because we do not at once give ourselves up en tirely to God, this treasure is not entirely given to us. May His Majesty, however, be pleased to bestow it upon us, were it only, drop by drop, and though it should cost us all pos sible labors. God grants a very great mercy to that person whom he endows with grace and courage to resolve on pro curing, with all his strength, this blessing ;. because, if he perseveres, our Lord will not deny it to him ; and by degrees He will be giving him courage to gain this victoiy. I men tion " courage" as necessary, because in the beginning the devil represents many difficulties, in order that we may not commence the good path effectually, as one who knows the injury he will receive, not only by losing that one soul, but many others also. If he who has begun to serve God en deavors, by the Divine assistance, to arrive at the height of perfection, I believe such an one will never go alone to heaven, but he will bring many others with him ; and God will give these to him as to a valiant captain, that they may march under his guidance. Hence, as the devil will put many dangers and difficulties in the way, great courage is
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necessary, as well as very many graces from God, in order not to turn back.
I will now speak of the manner in which those ought to commence who are determined to go in search of this bless ing, and to succeed in this enterprise. I shall treat after wards on what I have already begun to speak about, viz., " Mystical theology" (as 1 think it is called). The greatest trouble comes in the beginning, for those who give their whole substance to the Lord are the persons who suffer : but in the other degrees of prayer there is more enjoyment, though all three have their crosses in different ways. All those, however, who wish to follow Christ must walk along the way He went, unless they wish to be lost : and happy trials these are which even in this life are so superabundantly repaid ! I will now make use of some comparisons, which yet I would be glad not to mcnlion, because I am a woman ; and I would wish also to relate simply what my superiors command me : but this language of the soul is so difficult to be expressed by ignorant persons like myself, that I must discover some method of explaining it. It may happen, that seldom I shall have the good fortune to give a proper com parison ; and in this case your Reverence will be amused at seeing my stupidity.
It seems to me, that I have either read or heard the fol lowing comparison (though, as I have such a bad memory, I know not where or how I first met with it, but it will serve my purpose for the present). He then who commences (prayer) should imagine that he is beginning to make a gar den, for the delight of his Lord, in some very unfruitful soil, full of weeds. His Majesty must be asked to pull up the bad plants, and put good ones in their place. But we will sup pose this is already done, when a soul has not only deter mined, but is resolved to make use of mental prayer. And now, by God's help, we must endeavor, like good gardeners, to make these plants grow ; and we should take care to water them, that so they may not wither, but bring forth flowers of such sweet fragrance as may please our Lord ; and then he may take pleasure in often coming into this garden, and delighting Himself with our virtues. Let us see then in what way these flowers may be watered, that so
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we may understand what we have to do, and what trouble it will cost us ; whether it will be greater than the gain, and how long it will last. It seems to me, that these plants may be watered in four different ways : — 1. By drawing water out of a well ; and this cannot be done without much labor. 2. By using a wheel with buckets attached to it ; and this can easily be turned by the hand : sometimes I have in this way drawn water myself, and I found it was less troublesome, and drew more than by the former method. 3. By letting some small stream run into the garden ; and by this means it will be watered much better than by the preceding method, and the earth will have more moisture, and there will be no necessity to water the ground so often ; the labor of the gardener also will be much less. 4. By a good shower of rain falling ; for then our Lord himself waters the garden, without any labor on our part ; and this is without compari son by far the best method of all I have mentioned. And now let us apply these four ways of watering, whereby this garden is to be kept in good order (because without water a garden will perish). This comparison, which suits my pur pose, may serve to explain in some measure the four degrees of prayer, to which our Lord in His goodness has sometimes raised my soul. And may it please His Majesty, that T may speak correctly and in such a way as to profit one of those persons who have commanded me to write this account, and whom our Lord has advanced further in four months, than I was ever able to advance in seventeen years. But he dis posed himself better than I did ; and hence his garden was watered in these four ways, without any trouble on his part, though the last of these was given to him only by drops ; but he advances so rapidly, that, by the assistance of our Lord, he will very soon be engulfed in it : and I should be glad were he to laugh at me, in case he finds my method of expressing these things to be very foolish. We may say that those who begin to use mental prayer are the persons who draw the water out of the well ; and that this work is very troublesome, as I have mentioned above. They grow weary in re-collecting their senses, which, as they were ac customed to wander about, are difficult to keep in order. These persons, therefore, should accustom themselves, not to 10*
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bear or to see anything which may distract them : they should observe their hours of prayer, love solitude, and con sider alone by themselves their past life. And though the perfect and the imperfect ought often to dwell on these thoughts, yet, as I shall afterwards show, some require more, and others less time. At first they will feel some uneasiness, because they are not fully satisfied whether they have re pented of their sins ; and yet they do repent, because they are so determined to serve God in good earnest. They should endeavor also to meditate on the life of Christ, though the understanding may grow weary of this practice. At this point we may be able to arrive ourselves — I mean, together with the divine assistance ; for, without this, we know we cannot have even a good thought. This is beginning to draw water out of the well, and God grant there may be some ; at least, the fault will not be ours if there be none, provided we endeavor to draw it, and do all in our power to water those flowers. And God is so good, that when, for reasons best known to His Majesty (perhaps for our greater profit), He wishes this well to become dry, He still supports the flowers without water, provided we do our part like good gardeners, and He causes virtues to spring up. By water I mean " tears ;" and if there be none, tenderness, and an in ward feeling of devotion.
But what will he do who experiences nothing for a long time but dryness, disgust, and insipidity, and so little incli nation to go and draw any more water ? If he did not re member that he pleases the Lord of the garden, and does a service to Him ; and if he were not careful not to lose the merit of all his service, and the hope also of gaining more by the great labor of often easting the bucket into the well, and of bringing it up without any water, then he would be inclined to give up everything. Oftentimes it will happen that he will not be able to move his arms, nor to have even a good thought : this working with the understanding, it is understood, means " drawing water from the well." But now, as I was saying, what is the gardener to do in this case ? He should rejoice and console himself, and esteem it a very great favor to work in the garden of so great a prince. And since He knows that thereby he gives Him pleasure (for his
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object should be, not to please himself, but God), let him praise our Lord, who treats with him so confidently, because He sees him so careful to do what He commands him, with out receiving any recompense ; and let him assist our Lord in carrying His cross, and remember that He lived all His life upon it. He should not desire to have his kingdom here in this world, nor ever once give up his prayer : but rather let him resolve, though this dryness should last all his life, never to allow Christ to fall with His cross. The time will come when he will be repaid altogether ; he need not fear lest his labor should be lost, for he serves a good Master, who beholds all that he does. He should not make any ac count of bad thoughts, but consider how the devil repre sented them to St. Jerome in the desert. These labors have their value ; and I assert, as one who has endured them for many years, that when I drew only a drop of water fn m this blessed well, I thought that God conferred a favor upon me. I know these troubles are very great ; and it seems to me, more courage is necessary to support them than many other troubles in the world : but I have clearly seen, that even in this life, God does not leave such souls without be stowing on them great rewards ; for it is most certain, that when I have passed one hour only in the enjoyment of our Lord here below, I have afterwards esteemed all my afflictions well rewarded, which I endured all the time I made use of prayer. I believe that our Lord is desirous often to give, in the beginning, these afflictions, and many other such temptations which occur, in order to try His lovers, and to discover if they can drink His chalice, and help Him to carry His cross, before He will commit such valuable treasures to them. And I think that, for our greater good, His Majesty wishes to carry us along this way, that so we may understand how little we are worth ; because the favors he afterwards bestows arc so excellent, that lie wishes we should first know our misery by experience before He bestows them, lest what happened to Lucifer might be fall us.
But what, oh my Lord ! art Thou doing ? Would it not be better, for the good of that soul which Thou knowest is already thine, and which puts herself into Thy hands, to
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follow Thee wheresoever Thou goest, were it even to the death of the cross, and to resolve to help Thee to carry it, and never to leave Thee alone with it ? They who see them selves possessed with such resolutions need not fear ; for spiritual persons, who are raised to such a high degree of perfection as to despise all the pleasures of the world, and to wish to be alone with God, have no reason to be afflicted. The rest is already accomplished ; praise His Majesty for it, and confide in His goodness, for He never was wanting to His friends. Consider not why He gives to one sensible devotion in a few days, and does not grant it to another for many years. Let us believe that all this is done for our greater good ; and let His Majesty guide us where He pleases, for now we are no longer our own, but His. Great is the favor He bestows upon us in permitting us to dig in His garden, and in allowing us to be so near the Lord thereof; for it is certain that He is with us, whether He be pleased that these plants and flowers grow or not grow, by giving water to some and none to others, what does that matter ? Do, 0 Lord, as thou pleasest, only let me not offend Thee, nor let my virtues be lost if Thou hast given me any. I wish to suffer, 0 Lord, since Thou didst suffer. May Thy will be accomplished in me in every way, and Thy Majesty be pleased that a treasure of such high value as Thy love, may never be given to those who only wish to serve Thee for the pleasures thereof.
It is necessary to remark (and I speak of this fact, because I know the truth of it by experience), that a soul which begins to walk in this way of mental prayer, with a firm de termination not to make much account whether she receive many consolations or none at all, — because our Lord gives these consolations and tenderness of devotion, or He does not, — such a soul has already passed over the greater part of the road, and she need have no fear of going back again, whatever obstacles she may meet with, for the building is placed on a solid foundation. Hence the love of God consists, not in having the gift of tears, nor in receiving con solations and tenderness of devotion (which we may, however, desire and take comfort in); but in serving Him with justice, fortitude, and humility ; otherwise, it seems to me, we should
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be receiving ererything, and giving nothing ourselves. And as for weak, insignificant, and cowardly women like myself, methinks it good and proper our Lord should lead us on with consolations, — such as I now receive from Him, — in order that we may the better endure those afflictions which His Majesty is pleased to send us. But as regards true servants of God, men of solid virtue, learned, and sen sible, that such should be disturbed at not receiving from God tenderness of devotion, gives me sorrow. They should certainly receive these delights when God grants them, and esteem them very highly, because then His Majesty sees they are good for them ; but when they have them not, they should not be troubled, knowing that as His Majesty does not give them, they are not necessary for them ; they should be masters of themselves in everything ; and believe this is a defect, for I have tried and seen it myself, and an imperfection, not to walk on with liberty of spirit, and to be cowardly in attacking difficulties.
I say not this so much for those who are beginners (though I place much stress on it, because it is very important they should begin with this liberty and determination), but for others also ; for there are many who have begun, and yet do not advance ; and I think it is, in a great measure, owing to their not having embraced the cross from the beginning. Such persons will fall into affliction, thinking that they do nothing ; and because the understanding does not work, they are in trouble, though, perhaps, then it is that the will is nourished and strengthened without their perceiving it. We should re collect that our Lord does not look at these things, for though they may seem to us to be faults, yet they are not so in reality. His Majesty already knows our misery and base nature, much better than we do ourselves, and how these souls desire always to be thinking of Him and loving Him. This is that " determination " which He desires from us ; but the other is an affliction which we bring on ourselves, for it serves only to disturb the soul ; and if before she were unable to advance during one hour, now she will not perhaps advance in four hours. And many times (for I have great experience in this matter, and know it to be true, because I have care-
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fully considered the subje with spiritual persons) — this arises from corporal indisposition j for as we are so miserable, this poor confined soul of ours participates in the miseries of the body. Even the change of the weather and seasons, and our own humors are often the cause, why (without any fault of ours) we cannot do as we wish, and hence we suffer in every way. And when we try to force ourselves at this particular time, the evil becomes worse and lasts the longer. Judgment is necessary in order to know when the evil proceeds from this cause, and the poor soul must not be oppressed ; we should also l,c aware that we are sick, and the hour of prayer should be changed, and this very often for several days. This banishment we must endure as well as we can, for it is misery enough for a soul which loves God to see that she lives in this misery, and that she is unable to do what she desires on account of the in firmities of the body in which she lodges. I said this is to be done with discretion, because sometimes the devil will be the cause of these things, and therefore it is good not always to omit the usual time of prayer whenever there may be great disturbance and distraction in the understanding, nor yet always to be tormenting the soul to make her do what she is not able. There are also other exterior works of charity which may be used ; and though sometimes the soul may not be able to attend to these, yet she must accommodate herself, for the love of God, to the weakness of the body (because at other times the body serves the soul); and she mav use as recreations holy conversations, or walk out into the fields, just as her confessor shall advise. Experience is an excellent schoolmaster in everything, for it makes one understand what suits us ; and in all things God is served, for His yoke is sweet. It is very important the soul should not be dragged along the ground, as it were, but that she should be led along with mildness and sweetness, that so she may ad vance the more. Hence I again advise every one (and though T repeat this advice often, it will do no harm, for it is very important) — hot to be depressed or afflicted either on account of drynesses or troubles, or distracting thoughts. If we wish to obtain liberty of spirit, we should not be always going about in trouble ; but we should begin at once not to be
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frightened at the cross, and then we shall see how our Lord will help us to bear it, with what pleasure we shall proceed, and what profit we shall derive from everything. We already see that if there be no water in the well, we cannot of our selves put any into it. The truth is, we must not be neg ligent in drawing the water when there is any in, because by this means our Lord wishes to multiply our virtues.