CHAPTER X.

THE SAINT BEOINS TO MENTION THE FAVORS OUR LORD BESTOWED UPON HER IN PRAYER, AND SHE SPEAKS OF THE MANNER IN WHICH WE MAY HELP OURSELVES, ETC.
As I have already mentioned, I sometimes had certain beginnings of that which I shall now relate, though it passed quickly away. It happened in this representation, when I placed myself near Christ (of which I have been speaking), and sometimes also when I was reading, that there would suddenly come upon me such a feeling of the presence of God, that I could in no ways doubt but that He was with me, or else I was engulfed in Him. This was not in the manner of a vision, but I think they call it " mystical theology," which suspends the soul in such a manner that she seems to be wholly out of herself. The will loves ; the memory seems to me to be almost lost, and the understanding does not dis course, as far as I can judge, though it be not lost ; yet it works not, as I was saying, but remains as if astonished at considering how much it understands ; because God is pleased it should know that it comprehends nothing of that which His Majesty represents to it. At first, I very frequently enjoyed a certain tenderness, which in some measure, it seems to me, may be procured ; it is a pleasure which is neither wholly sensual nor wholly spiritual : it is all the gift of God. Hut it seems we can help ourselves a great deal in the acquisition of it, by considering our own baseness and our ingratitude towards God ; how much He has done for us ; His passion and grievous torments ; His whole life, which was so afflicted ; by taking delight in considering His works, His greatness, how much He loves us, and many other such things. Whoever earnestly desires to profit by these, will often meditate upon them, though he may not intentionally walk along this path. And if, together with these reflections, there be some love united, the soul will be caressed, the heart softened, and tears will flow ; sometimes it seems we obtain these by force ; and at other times our Lord gives them to us, so that we are not able to resist them.
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Now, it appears that His Majesty is pleased to repay us for the slight care [we take to serve Him],* by that gift which is so great, viz., the consolation He bestows on that soul, whom He beholds weeping for having offended so great a Lord ; and I wonder not at her being consoled so much ; for in this she rejoices — in this she regales herself.
I think the comparison which now offers itself to me is a just one, viz., that these joys of prayer must be something like the joys of heaven ; for as they see no more there than what God is pleased they shall see, according to their deserts, and as they see how small those deserts are, every one is con tent with the place he has, although there is a very great difference in heaven between the joys of some and those of others, as there is here on earth between spiritual pleasures and earthly ones. And truly when God, in the beginning, bestows such favors on a soul, she is then almost convinced there is nothing more to be desired ; and she considers her self to be well repaid for all that she has done in the service of God ; and with reason does she think so, for even one of those tears (which, as I was saying, we might almost procure ourselves, — though without Grod's assistance we can do nothing) cannot, in my opinion, be purchased by all the labors of the world, because by those tears a soul gains much. And what greater gain can there be, than to have some proof or testimony that we please God ? Let him, then, who has arrived at this point praise God exceedingly, and acknowledge that he is greatly in His debt ; because it seems evident our Lord desires such an one for His own house, and has chosen him for His kingdom, that so he may turn back no more.
Let us not pay any attention to certain feelings of humility which people have (and whereon I intend to speak) ; for, to some it seems a part of humility not to understand those gifts which our Lord bestows upon them. But let us know well how the case stands with us, viz., that God does not give us those gifts through our own merit, and that we should be grateful to His Majesty for them : for if we know not what we receive, we cannot excite ourselves to love Him. And it is a
''••'• These words are not in the original.
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most certain truth, that when we see ourselves to be very rich (pr vided that we know we are poor), then more profit conies to us, and our humility becomes even more sincere. The other course tends only to intimidate the soul and to make her think herself incapable of receiving great benefits ; viz., if, when once our Lord begins to bestow them, the soul should also begin to terrify herself with the fear of vain glory. Rather let us believe, that He who gives such favors to us will likewise give us strength to resist the devil, and grace to discover him when he proceeds to attack us on this point. This will be the case if wo act with sincerity before God, and desire to please Him alone, and not men. It is very certain, that we love a person the more, when we often call to mind the favors he has conferred upon us. If, then, it be lawful and so meritorious for us, always to remember that we have received our being from God, — that He made us out of nothing, — that He preserves us, — and what benefits we have derived from His death and sufferings, which He endured long before we were created for every one who is now alive. — why should it not be lawful for me to know and to consider how often I was accustomed to be speaking of vain things, but that now our Lord has given me the grace to desire nothing, save to speak of Him ? Behold here a jewel, which, when we remember that it has been given to us, and tint we now possess it, forces and invites us to love Him ! — and all this good comes from prayer, when founded on humility. But what will it be when we shall see in our power other more precious jewels, which some servants of God have already received, viz., a contempt of the world, and even of ourselves*'? It is certain that we shall then con sider ourselves greater debtors, and more obliged to serve Him ; we shall be convinced that none of these favors come from ourselves, and we shall see the bounty of our Lord, who wished to bestow more riches than I could even desire on a soul so poor and wicked as mine, and without any merit whatever ; for the first of these jewels would have been more than sufficient for me. It is necessary to acquire new strength to f-erve Him, and to endeavor not to prove ungrate ful, because our Lord bestows the favors on this condition, if we should not make a good use of this treasure, and
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of the high place He lias raised us to, He will take those gifts away from us, and then we shall become much poorer than we were before ; and His Majesty will give those jewels to whom He pleases ; to one who will benefit himself and others by the good use of them. But how can that man who does not know he is rich, derive any benefit from them, and distribute them to others with liberality ? In my opinion it is impossible, considering our nature, that he should have a soul capable of doing great things, who does not know he is assisted by God, because as we are so miserable, and so inclined to the things of earth, we cannot effectually abhor them, unless we feel that we have some relish for heavenly things. It is by these gifts our Lord imparts that fortitude to us which we lost by our sins. And unless a person possess some pledge of God's love towards him, united with a lively faith, he cannot well rejoice at being despised and abhorred by every one, neither can he acquire those other great virtues which the perfect possess. Naturally we are so dead (in faith), that we consider only what we see ; and hence these very favors are the means which awaken and strengthen our faith. It may happen, indeed, that being so wicked myself, I judge of others by myself, and that these may require no more than the true faith to make their works perfect. But as I am so very miserable, I stand in need of every help. Others may say what they think proper, but I relate what I have experienced, following the command of my superiors ; and if what I say be not good or proper, he to whom I send the account may tear it in pieces, because he knows what is unfit better than I do. And I beseech him, for the love of our Lord, that he would publish whatever I have said hitherto concerning my sins and wicked life ; and from this moment I give leave to my present confessor, and to all who have been my confessors (and he is of the number to whom this account is going), to publish my sins even in my lifetime, if they desire it, that so I may deceive the world no longer, for people may think there is some good in me. And I most sincerely speak the truth, that he who should do so* would give me great consolation. But as
* That i?, publish her sins. Here we have one proof, among many others, of tho wonderful humility of the S«.int.
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regards what I shall relate afterwards, I give my confessors no such liberty ; but should they show what I have written to any one, I desire they will not mention who t;.e person is, nor in whom the things happened, nor who wrote the account : and this is the reason why I do not name myself, nor any one else ; but in writing it, I have done my best not to be known ; and I de.sire it may remain a secret for the love of God. If our Lord shall give me grace to say anything that is good, the approval of grave and learned persons will be sufficient. And should there be anything useful, it will be God's, not mine ; for I have no learning nor goodness, nor have I been taught by any learned person, or by any one else. And they only who command me to write it know that I write it ; and at present they arc not here. I write also as if by stealth, and with trouble, because thereby I am kept from spinning ; and I live in a poor house, and have a great deal of business. If our Lord had given me better abilities, and a more retentive memory (both of which are very poor), I might then have profited by what I heard or read. And so if I shall say anything gocd, our Lord wills it for some good end : but whatever is useless or bad, that will be mine, and your Reverence may blot it out. And neither for the one nor for the other will there be any advantage in mention ing my name. While one is alive, it is clear that his virtues should not be mentioned ; and when dead, the recital of them will serve no other purpose but to make them lose all authority and credit, when it is known the account is given by such a base and miserable creature as myself. And because I think and hope your Reverence will do this (and I beg this favor from you, and from the others who may see the recital, for the love of our Lord), hence I write with such freedom ; for otherwise I should have some scruple in doing so, though in declaring my sins 1 have none at all. In other things, my being a woman is sufficient to account for my stupidity ; and how much more, since I am a wicked woman also !
Whatever, therefore, your Reverence may find, above and in addition to the simple account of my life, you must con sider it as intended only for yourself, since you have pressed me so much to give some account of the favors our Lord
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bestowed on me in prayer, provided it be in accordance with the doctrines of our holy Catholic Church ; if not, you must instantly burn it, for I submit myself to her authority. I will mention what happened to me, in order that if it shall prove conformable to the Catholic faith, it may be of some service to your Reverence ; and if not, you may be able to undeceive my soul, that so the devil may gain nothing bv that wherein I thought I had gained something ; for our Lord knows, as I shall afterwards show, that I always endeavored to meet with persons who could enlighten me.
But however much I desire to speak clearly concerning what relates to prayer, it will be very obscure for him who has no experience therein. I shall also mention some of the impediments which (in iny opinion) prevent persons from walking in this way, and other matters in which there may be some danger, according to what our Lord has taught me by experience ; and for many years since I have consulted very learned and spiritual men, who see that during seven-and- twenty years, in which I have used mental prayer (though I have gone on amidst many obstacles, and very badly also), our Lord has given me such experience as He has not given to others during seven-and-thirty, or even seven-and-forty years, though at the same time they had always walked along the path of virtue and of penance. May He be blessed by all men ; and I beseech His Majesty, by what He is Himself, that He may be served by me ; for my Lord knows well that I wish for nothing else, but that He may be a little more praised and exalted ; and seeing He desires to plant a garden of sweet flowers on such a foul dunghill as I am, may llis Majesty grant I may not, through my own fault, pull them up, and so become again what I was before ! I entreat your Reverence, for the love of our Lord, to beg this favor of Him for me, since you know what I am more clearly than I have been permitted to express.
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