CHAPTER IX.

SHE DECLARES BY WHAT MEANS OUR LOUD BEGAN TO AWAKEN HER SOUL, AND TO ENLIGHTEN HER IN SUCH GRKAT DARKNESS.
BUT now my soul began to grow weary ; and yet the bad habits which I had acquired would not permit her, though she desired it, to take any repose. It happened one day, that I went into the oratory to see a picture which had been brought there, to be kept {'or a certain festival which was celebrated in the house, and when I looked upon it I was much affected ; it was Christ our Lord, all covered with wounds ; and being devoutly made, it represented very well all that He had suffered for us. The sense of the little gratitude I had showed to our Lord for all these wounds was such, that I thought my heart would break ; and so I cast myself down near the picture, shedding floods of tears, and beseeching God to strengthen me once for all, that so I might never more offend Him.
I was very much devoted to the glorious Mary Magdalen, and I very often thought of her conversion, especially when I received the holy communion ; for as I certainly knew our Lord was within me at that time, I placed myself at His
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feet, thinking my tears would not be -despised by Him. I know not what I said then ; but still I know, that He who was pleased I should shed those tears did bestow favors on me, since I forgot so soon those tender feelings. I also recommended myself to this glorious saint, that she might help me to obtain the pardon of my sins.
But I think that I gained more profit on this last occasion, when I prayed before the picture, because I had a great dis trust in myself, and placed all my confidence in God. It seems to me that I then told Him I would never rise from that place till lie had granted my petition ; and I am firmly persuaded this did me good, for I have gone on improving much ever since that time. This was my method of prayer : not being able to discourse with my understanding, I en deavored to represent Christ as within me : and I thought I always found myself better, when I saw Him in places where He was most alone ; for, being alone and afflicted, it seemed as if He would then admit me, as a person in great misery. I had many of these simplicities, and especially I found much profit in the prayer made by our Saviour in the garden : there I was accustomed to accompany Him. I thought on His bloody sweat, and the great torment He then endured ; and I desired to wipe off that most painful sweat from His face : but I remember that I never dared presume to do this, so grievously did my sins represent themselves to me. How ever, I remained by Him, as well as my thoughts would allow, because many were the thoughts which tormented me most nights, during n*any years. Before I went to sleep, and was recommending myself to God, I always thought a little on the prayer ip the garden, even before I was a Keli- gious, for I had been told I could gain many indulgences thereby. I think I gained much by this means, for I began to use mental prayer, without knowing what it was ;. and it was as usual with me not to omit this practice, as to omit blessing myself before I fell asleep.
But, to return to what I was saying respecting the torment which my thoughts gave me. This method of proceeding without the help of the understanding is such, that the soul either gains or loses much by it. She loses, when all con sideration is gone; and she gains much, because alt such
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prayer is love. But to arrive at this point will cost us a great deal of trouble, with the exception of those persons whom our Lord pleases to conduct, in a short time, to the prayer of quiet : and some such persons I know. But for those who go along this way, it is good to use a book, in order to recollect themselves quickly. As to myself, T re ceived profit in looking upon the fields, flowers, and water : in these things I found something to remind me of our Crea tor — I mean, they served to awaken and keep me recollected, and they were as a book to me : they also brought to mind my sins and ingratitude. As regards heavenly things and other such high subjects, my understanding was so dull, that I was never able to represent them to my imagination, until our Lord represented them to me by other means.
I had so little ability in representing things to my mind by means of the understanding, that my imagination availed me nothing, except only respecting things which I saw ; and yet others are able to do this, because they know how to form representations, by which they are enabled to recollect themselves. I could only think on Christ our Lord as man ; and it is quite true, that how much soever I read of His beauty, or saw pictures of Him, yet I could never represent Him to myself, but was just like one who was either blind 01 in the dark ; for though he may speak with another person, and know that he is with him, because he is sure this said person is there, yet, he only knows and believes him to be present, for he does not see him. In like manner it hap pened to me, whenever I thought of our Lord : this was the reason I was so fond of pictures. Miserable creatures are they who, through their own fault, lose this benefit. It ap pears clear to me that they do not love our Lord ; for, if they loved Him, they would be glad to see His pictures, just as in this life we are glad to see the image of one whom we love.
About this time the " Confessions" of St. Augustine were given to me : and it seems our Lord so ordained it, for neither did I procure them, nor had I ever seen them before. I had a very great affection for this saint, because the monas tery where I lived a secular was of his order, and also be cause he had been a sinner; for I found much comfort in 9*
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those saints, who, after having been sinners, were converted to our Lord, thinking that I should be helped by tl.cni, and that our Lord would be pleased to forgive me as He had them. But one consideration discouraged me, which was, that our Lord called them but once, and they fell from Him no more ; but my falls were so numerous, that I was afflicted exceedingly on this account. But yet, when I considered the love He bore me, I was encouraged, for I never dis trusted in His mercy, though in myself I did very often. Oh my God, how astonished I am at that obstinacy of iniiier during which I continued to receive BO manv helps from Thy hand ! I am fearful when I consider how little I was able to do with myself, and how I remained still tied, and deter mined not to give myself wholly to Thee. But when I be gan to read the " Confessions," I thought I saw myself de scribed therein, and I recommended myself earnestly to this glorious saint. When I came to the account of his " con version," and read how he heard that voice in the garden, it was, I thought, as if our Lord Himself spoke to me, so lively was the feeling of my heart. For some time I was entirely dissolved in tears, and felt great affliction and anguish within me. Oh my God, how much docs a soul suffer, after losing her liberty of being mistress over herself! And what tor ments does she not endure ! I wonder how I was able to live in such great trouble. But, blessed be God, who gave me life, that I might escape from so deadly a death ; me- thought I obtained great strength from His Majesty, and that He would now hear my cries, and have compassion on all my tears.
My desire to spend more time with Him began also to iir crease, and to draw myself from all evil occasions; for when once they were removed, I immediately began again to love His Majesty — at least, I thought I then loved Him : but, in reality, I understood not, as I ought to have understood, in what the love of God consisted. As far as I remember, I had scarcely finished disposing myself, and wishing to serve Him, when His Majesty began to caress me. It seems that what others endeavored to acquire by great labor, our Lord caressed me in such a way as to make me desirous of re ceiving it, viz., His giving me delights and caresses in these
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latter years. I was never so bold as to beseech Him to give me any tenderness of devotion ; but I only begged of Him to give me grace not to offend Him any more, and that He would pardon my great sins : and seeing how numerous they were, I never intentionally presumed to desire either delights or caresses. I thought He showed me pity enough ; and truly great was His mercy towards me, in allowing me to appear before His presence ; for I knew that if He had not done so, I should never have come. Only once in my life I remember having asked of Him to give me some consolations, and this was when 1 had great dryness of devotion ; but as soon as I reflected on what I had done, I was so confused, that the very grief I felt in seeing what little humility I possessed, obtained for me what I had not dared to ask for. I knew well, however, it was lawful to pray for it : but I thought this was true for those only who were disposed to receive it, by their having endeavored, with all their strength, to acquire true devotion; and this consists in not offending God, and in being disposed and resolved to do everything that is good. And methought that those tears of mine were feminine tears, without any efficacy, since I did not ob tain that by them which I desired, though yet upon the whole I believe they were useful to me ; because (as 1 have said) especially after that great compunction I felt on those two several occasions, and the pain 1 had at my heart, I be gan to give myself more to prayer, and not to interest my self so much in those things which might do me hurt. I did not, however, entirely leave them aside : but (as I was men tioning) God continued helping me to withdraw myself from them : for His Majesty was only waiting for some prepara tion on my part, that so His spiritual favors might increase in the manner I shall relate : our Lord is not accustomed to grant them, except to those only who keep their conscience in greater purity than I did.
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