CHAPTER VIII.

SHE MENTIONS WHAT GREAT GOOD HER SOUL RECEIVED BY NOT HAV ING ENTIRELY GIVEN UP HER METHOD OF PRAYER: ALSO, WHAT AN EXCELLENT REMEDY PRAYER IS FOR GAINING WHAT WE HAVE LOST.
NOT without reason have I been considering so long this life of mine ; for I clearly see that it will give no pleasure to any one, to look upon such a wicked creature as myself. And really I should be glad that all those who read this ac count would abhor me, in seeing a soul so obstinate and so ungrateful towards Him, who has bestowed so many favors on her. And I wish I could obtain leave to declare the many times I failed, during this period, in my obligations to God, because I was not supported by this strong pillar of
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 93
mental prayer. I passed though this tempestuous sea almost twenty years, between these fallings and risings (though I rose very imperfectly, since I fell again so quickly): and in this kind of life, which was so far below perfection, I made almost no account of venial sins ; and for mortal ones, I feared them it is true, but not so much as I ought to have done, since I did not avoid the dangerous occasions. I can declare, that this was one of the most painful kinds of life which can be imagined, for I neither enjoyed the sweet ness of God, nor the pleasures of the "world. When I was entertaining myself with the amusements of the world, the remembrance of what I owed to God gave me pain ; and when I was conversing with Him in f rayer, the affections I had for the world disturbed me ;. and this was a conflict so very painful, that I know not how it was possible for me to endure it for one month, much more for so many years. Herein I clearly see the great mercy God showed me, that, dealing so much as I did with the world, I could still have the courage to apply myself to mental prayer. I say "cour age," because I see not one thing in the world in which there ijceius to be need of greater, than to be carrying on treason against a King, and to be sensible that He knows it well, and yet never to depart from His presence. For though it be true, that we are always in the presence of God, yet, mc- thinks that they who converse with Him in mental prayer, are in a special manner in His presence, because then they see that He regards them ; whereas others may remain some days in His presence, without remembering that Ho looks upon them. True it is that within this time there were, I believe, many months, and sometimes perhaps a whole year, that I kept myself from offending our Lord ; and I gave my self much to prayer, and I used son.e, and even great diligence, that T might never offend Him more : and this I here declare, because what I write now is to be delivered with truth ; but I remember little of those good days, and therefore it may be thought they were few, and the evil ones many : yet few days passed without my giving a considerable time to prayer, unless I were very sick, or extremely busy. The more ill I was, the more was I united with God ; and I •ndeavored that those persons who were then with me might
94 LI 1" EOF ST. TERESA.
be so too ; and this I begged of our Lord, and we spoke very often of Him. And so, with the exception of that one year of which I have spoken, during the eight-and-twcnty years which have passed since first I began to u.-o mental prayer, I have endured this battle and strife for more than eighteen, through conversing with God and the world at the same time. In those other years of which I have yet to speak, the cause of the war was changed, though this has not been inconsiderable. But as I was then, I think, in the ser vice of God, and had a knowledge of the vanity of the world, all was sweet and pleasant, as I shall declare afterwards.
Now the reason why I have given this account is, first, in order that the mercy of God and my ingratitude towards Him may be discerned as I have before mentioned ; and secondly, that, it may be understood how great a blessing God bestows on that soul, which He disj o;-es to practice mental prayer with a good will, even though she were not so well prepared for it as she should be. But if she persevere therein, whatever sins she 11 ay commit, whatever temptations may be presented to her, or whatever falls she may receive in a thousand different ways from the devil, I consider it certain that our Lord will, in the end, bring her safe to the port of salvation, as (it seems now) He has done so to me; may His Majesty grant that I may never again expose mysel' to ! e lost. Many holy and good men have written on t\\a benefits he obtains, who exercises himself in prayer — I mean mental prayer ; and glory be to God for it. And even if this were not true, though I have but little humility, yet I am not so proud as to venture to speak on this subject.
But I may presume to say something of that, concerning which I have some experience ; and it is this, that whoever has begun mental prayer, I wish him not to give it up, what ever sins he may commit in the mean time, since this is the means by which he may recover himself again ; but without it, he will find the work much more difficr.lt. And let not the devil tempt him, as he did me, to leave it off through a motive of humility ; but let him firmly believe that God's word cannot fail ; that if we truly repent, and are determined not to offend Him any more, He will restore us to the same friendship we enjoyed before, and bestow on us the same
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 95
favors we received before, and sometimes even greater, if our repentance should deserve it. Whoever has not commenced this exercise, I beseech him, for the love of our Lord, not to deprive himself of so great a benefit. Here we have nothing to fear, but much to desire ; for though one should not ad vance much, nor strive to be so perfect as to deserve those favors and caresses which God gives to perfect souls, yet, the least which he will obtain will bo, to advance along the patli that leads to heaven, and to know that it is the right way. 1 trust in the mercy of God, that no one ever made choice of Him for a friend, whom He did not well repay, if he per severed ; for mental prayer is nothing else, in my opinion, than a treaty of friendship with our Lord, often speaking alone with Him, who we know loves us. And if you love Him not yet (for, in order that your love may be sincere and the friendship may last, the conditions must be reciprocal ; and we know that nothing will be wanting on our Lord's part, and that our nature is vicious, sensual, and ungrateful) ; I repeat, if you do not as yet love Him so much, on account of the difference which exists between His nature and ours, yet, considering how important it is that we should be on terms of friendship with Him, and how much He loves us, we must bear patiently the pain of conversing often with One whose nature is so different from ours. Oh ! infinite good ness of my God 1 it seems to me that I see Thee and see myself in this manner. Oh ! joy of the angels ! how I desire, when I consider these things, to be dissolved in loving Thee. How certain is it, that Thou dost suffer much, when we do not allow Thee to be with us ! Oh ! what a good friend Thou art, lay Lord, since Thou continues! to caress us, and patiently to bear with us ! And Thou waitest, till we make ourselves like to Thee, and in the mean time Thou dost endure our corrupt nature. Thou takest into account, my Lord, the few hours during which we love Thee ; and by one single act of repentance on our part, Thou forgettest all our offences. All this I have clearly seen in my own case ; and I cannot understand, O my Creator, why the whole world does not strive to draw near unto Thee, in order to share in this close friendship. The wicked, who are not of the same nature with Thee, should come to Thee, that Thou inayest
96 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
make tliein good, and that they may suffer Thee to be with them, though it were only for two hours in the day; yea, though it were with a thousand distracting cares and thoughts of the world, as I myself was accustomed to have. And to recompense the violence they use, in order to make them selves love being in Thy company (for neither in these begin nings, nor afterwards, can they avoid these distractions), Thou obligest, 0 Lord, the devils to abstain from attacking them, and each day Thou dost lessen their power over them, and thou givest them strength to overcome these evil spirits. O Life of all lives ! Thou dost never destroy any one who puts his confidence in Thee, nor any one who desires Thee for a friend : but Thou sustainest the life of the body with increased health, and Thou givest the same to the soul.
For my part, I cannot understand why men should fear, as they do, to begin the practice of mental prayer, nor do I know what they are afraid of. The devil, however, strives all he can to make us fearful (in order to do us thereby some real evil) of thinking how much we have offended God ; how much we owe Him ; that there is a heaven and a hell, and what great labors and sufferings our Lord endured for our sake. This was my prayer, which I continued during all the time I was in these dangers ; and thus did I medi tate whenever I was able. And often, for some years, I was more desirous that the hour should end, and more anxious to hear the clock strike, than to attend to other good things. And many times it happened, that whatever penance was set before me, however great, I would more willingly have performed it than prepare myself for prayer. And it is certain that the violence which the devil employed against me was either so insupportable, or my own wicked habits were so great, that I was induced not to go to prayer; and the sadness of my heart was such when I entered into my oratory, that all my courage was necessary to help me to force myself: at last, our Lord was pleased to assist me; and people say the courage I have is not little ; and it seems our Lord has given me greater than is usually given to women, but I have made a very bad use of it : but after wards, when I had made use of this violence, I found myself in the enjoyment of more quiet and more consolation, so
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 97
that sometimes I had a desire to pray! Since, then, our Lord endured for so long a time such a wicked creature as myself — and it appears clear that all my evils were remedied by this means (of prayer) — what person, however wicked he may be, can have any reason to be afraid ? For, how wicked soever he may have been, yet he cannot be so bad as I was during many years, after I had received so many favors from our Lord. And who can distrust cur Lord, since He bore with me so long, and for this sole reason, because I desired and procured some time and place in which He might be with me ? And this I often did, without any inclination of my own, but only by the great violence which I either offered to myself, or which our Lord offered to me. If, therefore, the use of mental prayer be so proper — and even so neces sary for those who do not serve God, but offend him; and since no one can possibly find it can do him any harm, which would not be much greater without prayer, how can they omit it who serve God and desire to love Him ? Most cer tainly, unless a man wishes to pass through the troubles of this life with still more numerous troubles, and to close the gate against God himself, lest He should by this means give him comfort, I cannot understand his manner of proceeding. I have, indeed, much compassion for those souls who serve God at their own cost ; but as for those who use mental prayer, our Lord bears their expenses, and repays the little trouble they endure with many pleasures, lhat so they may bear those troubles for His sake. Concerning those caresses which our Lord gives to those who persevere in prayer, I shall speak more at length further on, and shall say nothing here. I will only mention, that prayer was the gate through which God bestowed on me such great favors : if that be closed, I know not how He will bestow them, because though he should desire to enter a soul, to regale both Himself and her, He has no means of doing so, because He wishes to have her all to Himself, to be pure, and to be desirous receiving favors. If we put any obstacles in the way, and do nothing to remove them, how can we expect Him to come to us, or desire that He should bestow great favors upon us ?
In order that His mercy may be seen, and the great benefit 9
98 LIFE OP ST. TERESA.
it was for me, not -to have omitted prayer and reading, I will here mention (since to understand this point is very impor tant) what kind of a battery the devil raises against a soul, in order to gain her ; and with what art and mercy our Lord endeavors to draw her to Himself, in order that others may be on their guard against those dangers to which I exposed myself: but, above all things, by the great love with which our Lord seeks to draw us to Himself, I entreat others, for the love of God, to keep themselves from dangerous occa sions ; for when we are in the midst of them, there can be no security against so many enemies who attack us, especially as we are so weak in defending ourselves. I wish I could here describe the captivity in which my soul was bound in those days ; for I knew well I was a captive, but yet I could not understand to what I was a slave, nor could I wholly believe that what my confessors represented as trifling, was so very bad, as I felt it to be in my soul. A certain person once told me, when I went to him with a scruple, that although I should practice the highest degree of contempla tion, yet such occasions and conversations were not preju dicial to me. This happened to me towards the end, when, by the grace of God, I was separating myself more and more from great dangers. When they observed me to have good desires, and to follow the exercise of prayer, they thought I did a great deal ; but my soul knew well, that this was not doing all I was obliged to do, for One to whom I owed so much. I am now grieved when I consider how much my soul suf fered, and what little help she received from any one but God, and how many opportunities I had for pleasures and pastimes, by being told they were lawful. But the torment which I endured by hearing sermons was not little, for I was particularly fond of them ; in so much so, that whenever I heard any one preach well, and with animation, I conceived a particular love for him, without endeavoring to feel it, though I know not how I came to have it. It seemed to me, that no sermon could ever be so bad which I would not will ingly listen to, although, in the opinion of others who heard it, the sermon might not have been good ; but when it was, it gave me particular pleasure. I was seldom or ever tired with speaking of God, or with hearing Him spoken of: this
LIFE OF ST. TERESA. 99
was after I had begun to use mental prayer. On the one hand, sermons gave me great consolation, but on the other, they tormented me, because by them I understood that 1 was far from being what I ought to be. I begged of our Lord to help me ; but, as far as I can judge, I was to blame for not putting my whole confidence in His Majesty, and entirely distrusting myself. I sought for a remedy, and I was diligent therein ; but I understood not that all is of little use, unless we strip ourselves of all confidence in ourselves, and put all our trust in God. I desired to lead a true life, for I knew well I was not doing so then, but that I was fighting with the shadow of death, and there was no one who could give me life. I could not take it myself, and He who could give it to me had reason enough not to help me, since He had so often drawn me to Himself, and I had left Him.