CHAPTER VI.

SHE MENTIONS HOW MUCH SHE OWED OUR LORD FOR GIVING HER CONFORMITY TO HIS WILL IN SUCH GREAT AFFLICTIONS ; AND HOW SHE ALSO CHOSE THE GLORIOUS ST. JOSEPH FOR HER PATRON, ETC.
I REMAINED during these four days of the trance in such a state, that our Lord only can know the insufferable tor ments I felt. I had bitten my tongue in several places ; my throat, through my being unable to take anything, and by reason of the great weakness which oppressed me, could not swallow even a drop of water without choking me. It seemed as if I were entirely disjointed, and my head appeared ex tremely disordered ; I was contracted like packthread, for in this consisted the torment I endured those days — without being able to stir either hand or foot, arm or head, unless 1 were moved ; so that I was like a person dead : I thought, however, I could move a finger of my right hand. No one could touch me in any way, for my whole body was so afflicted, that I could not endure to have it touched. I was removed about in a sheet, one person being at one end, and another at the other end ; in this state I continued till Easter. The only relief I had was this, that if I were not touched, my pains frequently ceased : and then, as I enjoyed a little ease, I considered myself to be well ; but I was afraid lest my patience should begin to fail, and therefore I was much pleased to see myself free from those sharp and continual 7
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pains, though I still had a great loathing for food— in addi tion to extremely severe colds, produced by a double quar tan, which was insupportable.
About this time 1 made such haste to return ^o the monas- tery, that 1 managed to have myself carried away just as I was. Though the sisters thought I was dead, they received me with a soul still in the body : but the body was voise than dead, by reason of the pains they saw it had endured. I cannot describe my extreme weakness, for nothing was left but my bones ; and for more than eight months I remained in this state ; I was quite a cripple for almost three years, though .still I was getting better. When T began to walk on all-fours, I gave thanks to God. But all these afflieticrs ] endured with great resignation, and even with light — except in the beginning — for I esteemed them all as nothing, in comparison with those pains and torments I en dured at first. I was very resigned to God's will then, even though lie should have left me in that state forever. 1 think that the reason why I was so anxious to recover was, that 1 might apply myself all alone to prayer in the way I had been instructed ; and in the Infirmary there \\;is no means of doing this. I confessed my sins very often. 1 frequently spoke of God in such a way as to edify every one : and, in deed, they were amazed to see the patience our J.ord had given me : for had it not co;ne from the hand of II is Majesty, it seems impossible I could have suffered so many afflictions with such great pleasure.
Great indeed was the favor our Lord bestowed on me by giving me a method of prayer ; for thereby I came to under stand what it was to love Him ; and from the little time I spent in it, I observed new virtues to spring up within me, though they were not strong, nor were they able to keep mo in the way of justice. I did not speak ill of any one in the slightest degree, for my ordinary custom was to avoid all kind of detraction, since I remembered that I should never wish nor say anything of any one, which I did not wish si ould be said of me. This I paid particular attention to on all occa sions, though yet not so perfectly when occasions sometimes o"ered themselves of my breaking my rule- still it was my general practice. Those who were in my company, and who
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spoke to me, I so earnestly persuaded to adopt tke custom, that it became natural to them. Hence it was understood, wherever I was, that all absent persons were secure; and it was also the case with those who were my friends and rela tions, or others whom I had instructed. And though in many tilings I shall have to give a strict account to God, yet I hope His Majesty may be pleased to pardon the bad example I gavj the. n — for I have been the cause of much evil, though it was not done with such evil intentions as those actions were whic'i I committed afterwards. I was still desirous of solitude, and loved to discourse and to speak on God ; and if I could find any one to enter with me into the conversa tion, that gave me more pleasure and recreation than all the polite conversation — or rather grossness — of the world. I also loved to communicate and to confess much more fre quently, and to desire doing so. I became very fond of reading good books, and began to have such a deep sorrow for having offended God, that many times I remember I dared not pray, because I feared the excessive pain which I was sure to feel for having offended Him, as a severe punishment for my sins ; and this pain became afterwards so extreme, that I know not what to compare it to. This never happened to me, either more or less, through any fear I had, but only when I remembered those caresses our Lord granted to me in prayer, and what I owed Him for -them; and when I saw how ill I repaid Him, I could not endure the thought. I was also extremely troubled on account of the many tears I shed for my faults, when I perceived there was no amend ment in me ; and that neither my resolutions, nor the pains I took not to fall any more when the occasions of sin were offered, were of any avail. My tears seemed to deceive me, and my fault appeared so much the greater, because I was convinced how great a favor our Lord bestowed on me in granting me those tears, and that great sorrow which I felt. 1 endeavored to confess often ; and it seemed to me that I did all I could in order to be restored to a state of grace. AH the evil consisted in not pulling up the " occasions " by the root; my confessors, too, helped me bu: little : but had they told me of the danger in which I was, and of the obli gation I lay under to break off those conversations, I am
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convinced the evil would have been remedied ; for, on no ac count could I have endured to remain, even one day, in mortal sin, had I known I was in that state. All these signs of the fear of God came to me through prayer ; and the greatest of them was, that I went on wrapt in love, and the punishment of sin I did not think of. All the time that I was sick, I kept a great guard over my conscience, as far as concerned mortal sins. But 0 my God ! how much did I desire my health, in order to serve Thee better! And yet this was the cause of all my misery. And now, when I saw myself a cripple, and so young too, and how the physicians of this world had treated me, I resolved to apply to heavenly physicians for my cure, which I still desired with much earnestness, though I bore my pains with joy. Sometimes I used to think, that if by recovering my health, I should be condemned to hell, it would be better for me to remain as I was; however, I thought I should serve God much better had I my health. Here is our error, in not entirely resign ing ourselves to the will of our Lord, who knows what is the best for us.
In the mean time, I began to get some masses to be said for me, and to make use of devotions that were very much approved of; for I was never fond of certain other devotions, which some persons — especially women — went through with such ceremonies and forms as I could not endure ; 1 under stood that they bordered on superstition, though they may have excited piety in some people. I took for my advocate and master the glorious St. Joseph, and I recommended my self much to him; for I saw clearly, that where my honor and the loss of my soul were concerned, my father and master delivered me from that danger, as well as from others still greater : and this with more advantage than I could desire my self. Up to this time, I cannot remember having asked him for anything which he did not obtain. I am quite amazed when I consider the great favors our Lord has shown me, through the intercession of this blessed saint, and the many dangers, both of soul and body, from which he has delivered me. It seems, that to other saints, our Lord has given power to succor us in only one, kind of necessity ; but this glorious saint, I know by my experience, assists us in all kinds of
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necessities : hence our Lord, it appears, wishes us to under stand, that as He was obedient to hi.ii when on earth (for he was called His father ; and being, as it were, His tutor, he could command Him :) so now in heaven He grants him whatever he asks. This truth many others also have ex perienced, who have recommended the.nselves to him by my desire : many are now devoted to him, and I myself have fresh experience of his power.
I endeavored to celebrate his festival with all the solemnity I was able, but with more vanity than true devotion, as I desired it should be kept very properly and exactly, though yet my intention was good. But this was my fa :lt : that whenever our Lord gave me grace to perform any good action, it was full of many faults and imperfections; whereas, in the pursuit of curiosity, and vanity, and anything evil, I used great dexterity and diligence; may our Lord pardon me! Would that I could persuade all men to be devout to this glorious saint, by reason of the great experience I have had of the blessings he obtains from God. I have never known any one who was truly devoted to him, who performed par ticular devotions in his honor, that did not advance more in virtue, for he assists in a special manner those souls who recommend themselves to him. During many years I was accustomed to ask some favor of him, and I remember it was always granted ; and if sometimes my petition had something wrong about it, he rectified it for my greater good.
Were I a person who had authority to write, I would gl>dly enlarge here, arid relate, in detail, the favors which this glorious saint obtained both for me and others ; but in order that I may do no more than what I am commanded, I must be shorter in many things than I could wish, and more diffuse in other points than is necessary, in a word, I am like one who has but little discretion in doing anything which is good. I only request, for the love of God, that whoever will not believe me, will prove the truth of what I say ; for he will see, by experience, how great a blessing it is to recoin- mjnd one's self to this glorious patriarch, and to be devout to him. Those persons especially who are given to prayer should ever be devoted to him, for I know not how he can think of the Queen of Angels — at the time when she suffered 7*
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so much on account of the child Jesus — and not give thanks to St. Joseph for the assistance he gave them. Whoever wants a master to instruct him how to pray, let him take this glorious saint for his guide, and he will not lose his way. God grant I may not have committed any error, in speaking as I have of such a saint ! For though I thus profess to be devoted to him, yet I have always failed in imitating his virtues ; but he acted like himself, by enabling me to rise, and walk, and to be no more a cripple ; and so I also acted like myself, by making so bad a use of this favor.
Who could ever have supposed, that I should so soon have fallen back again, after His 'Majesty had begun to bestow some virtues on me ; after having received so many favors from God, which, of themselves, excited me to serve Him ; after I had seen myself as if it were dead, and in such dan ger of being condemned to hell ; and after he had raised both my soul and body in such a manner, that all who saw me were amazed to behold me alive ? What a misery is it,
0 my Lord! that we should live in such a dangerous life.1 While I am now writing these lines, it seems I may say, by Thy favor and mercy, what St. Paul said : " I live now, not I, but Christ liveth in me," — though not with the same per fection as he did ; and according to the experience which I have now had for some years, Thou still keepest Thy hand over me, and I find myself filled with desires and resolutions (and in many things I have experienced this for a long time), not to do anything against Thy will, however small it may be, though I know I must commit many offences against, Your Majesty without my knowing it. And it also seems, that nothing could be proposed to me which I would not resolutely perform for love of Thee ; and in some things Thou hast assisted me, so that I might succeed in them. I care not for the world, nor for the things of the world ; and
1 find that nothing whatever gives me any pleasure which does not come from you, and everything else seems a heavy cross.
I may, however, easily deceive myself in this point ; and so I think I do, for I do not possess all that I have spoken of; but Thou knowest well, 0 my Lord! that I do not lie — as far as I know. I fear, with much reason, lest,
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perhaps, Thou niaycst leave me again, for I know now how far my strength goes, and what little virtue I possess, in case Thou art not near, to bless me and to help me, that so I may never desert Thcc : and may thy Majesty grant, that I be not already forsaken by Thee, while I am thus saying so much about myself! I know not how we can desire to live, since all things are so uncertain here. It appeared to me, 0 Lord ! impossible that I should entirely desert Thee ; but since I have forsaken Thee so often, I cannot help fearing the like again, because when Thou retirest even a little from me, everything falls to the ground. Blessed be Thou for ever ; for although I forsook Thee, yet Thou didst not entirely forsake me, but didst give me Thy hand, that so I might rise up again ; and oft n, 0 Lord ! I would not take hold of it, nor would I understand how frequently Thou didst call me again, as I will now relate.