CHAPTER V.

SHE CONTINUES TO RELATE THE PAINFUL INFIRMITIES SHE ENDURED, AND THE PATIENCE OUR LORD GAVE HER, ETC.
I FORGOT to relate how, in the year of my noviciate, I suffered great uneasiness of mind about things which, in them selves, were of little consequence ; but as I was often blamed without having committed any fault, I bore it with much pain and great imperfection, though I endured everything, through the earnest desire t had to be a nun. When they noticed that I sought after solitude, and sometimes shed tears for my sins, they fancied I was of a discontented disposi tion, and they .told me so. But I was most anxious to observe all the rules of the religious life ; I could not, how ever, endure anything which had the appearance of bringing me into contempt, for I delighte'd in being esteemed ; I was curious about whatever I undertook, and everything appeared to me to be virtue, though this will not serve me as an ex cuse, because I knew well how to obtain all those things which could give me pleasure ; and thus ignorance will not free me from blame. It was a defect that the monastery was not founded in great perfection: and as I was so wicked, 1 followed that which was imperfect, and omitted what was good.
At that time there was a Religious afflicted with a most grievous infirmity, which caused her great pain. There were ulcers in her body, which came from certain obstructions, so that she could not retain her food ; and therefore she soon died of her disease. Though I noticed that all the other nuns feared to have the like infirmity : yet, for my part, I greatly envied her patience, and begged of God, that if lie would give the like patience to me, He might send me what ever infirmity He pleased. It seemed as if I feared no dis ease whatever, for I was so bent on gaining eternal goods, that I resolved to purchase them, whatever they might cost me. At this I wonder, for even then I think I had no love for God ; though afterwards I believe I gained it, when I began to exercise myself in prayer ; and a light (from above)
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showed me how contemptible everything is that has an end, and how inestimable those goods are which are eternal, and which can be obtained. His Majesty heard my prayer for such an affliction ; for before the expiration of two years, I became so afflicted, that though my disease was not of the same nature as the person's (above mentioned:) yet I think mine was equally painful and troublesome during the three years I endured it, as I shall now relate.
The time having now arrived which I had been waiting for, my father, my sister, and that Religious who accompanied me, and had so much regard for me, removed me with great care to the place destined for my cure. Here the devil began to disturb my soul, though God drew good from it. There was a certain ecclesiastic who resided in the place where I went for my cure. He was of a good family, had a solid judgment, and was somewhat learned. I began to " confess" to him, for I was always fond of learned men, though those confessors who were only half-learned, did my soul much harm, because they had not the learning I desired. I have found by experience, that it is better for directors, who arc virtuous, and full of holy manners, to have no learning at all, rather than little ; because, those who have none will not trust themselves without asking the opinion of others who are learned, and neither could I trust them myself. But I was never deceived by any truly learned man ; and even those others had no desire of deceiving me ; but they erred only because they knew no better. I thought they were capable (of guiding me,) and that I was not bound to do any thing but to believe them ; as what they told me was in accordance with the general opinion, and gave me more liberty : if they had been more strict with me, I was so wicked, that I should have chosen other confessors. That which was a venial sin, they told me was none at all ; and that which was a most grievous mortal sin, I was assured was only a venial sin. This kind of doctrine did me so much harm, that I consider it necessary to mention this circum stance here, in order to put others on their guard against so great an evil. I see clearly, that in the presence of God, this was no excuse for me ; for as the things were in their own nature bad, this ought to have been sufficient to have
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preserved me from them. But I think that Almighty God, on account of my sins, allowed my confessors to deceive me, and to be deceived themselves. And I also deceived many others, by telling them the very same things which had boon told me.
I continued more than seventeen years, I think, in this blindness, till a Dominican friar — a man of great learning — undeceived me in many things ; and the fathers of the "So ciety of Jesus"* made me comprehend, how terrible mv state was on account of such bad beginnings, as I will now relate.
When I began to confess to this person (of whom I spoke above), he became extremely attached to me, because then I had but little to confess, in comparison with what I after wards had ; indeed, I had not much from the time I became a nun. The affection of this man was not bad, though by being excessive it became evil. He knew well that I was determined not to do anything grievously offensive to God, on any account whatever ;. and he also assured me as much on his part ; and thus our conversation became frequent. But in the interviews we then held, I was so absorbed by the thoughts of God, that my greatest delight was to speak on subjects relating to Him ; and as I was then very young, he seeing this inclination made him somewhat ashamed. ]>ut on account of the great affection he bore me, he began to discover his misery to me ; and this was not small, for he had then been almost seven years in a very dangerous state, by reason of his affection for, and conversation with a cer tain lady of the town ; and yet he continued to say mass. The thing was so public, that he had lost his honor and character, and yet no one ventured to speak to him on the subject. I was quite grieved to see in what a state he was, because I loved him much. But I was so possessed with folly and blindness, that it seemed a virtue in me to be grateful, and to keep on good terms with one who loved me. Cursed be such a law which proceeds so far as to be against
* This is the first time our Saint mentions the Society of Jesus. Wo shall afterwards see how highly she prized that illustrious order. St. Francis Borgia, when ho eamo to Avilu, had an interview with her, and assured her that her method of prayer caine from God.
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the law of God. It is a madness which now prevails in the world ; and it makes me almost lose my senses, to see how every good which men do to us we owe to God, and yet how we esteem it a virtue not to break off this friendship, even though it should lead us to do evil against Him. Oh, blindness of the world ! But be Thou pleased, 0 Lord, that I may be the most ungrateful creature in the whole world, provided that I may not be, in the least point, ungrateful to Thee ! But by my sins I have done quite the contrary.
1 endeavored to gain more information concerning this person from the domestics of his house ; I then became more acquainted with his misery, but saw that the poor man was not deserving of so much blame, because that unfortunate woman had used certain charms over him, by means of a little copper idol, which she begged of him to wear around his neck for her sake ; and no one had been able to dissuade him from wearing it. For my part, I do not believe in the power of such charms as this, that it could affect one in any definite manner : but I will relate what I saw, m order that others may be on their guard against those women who may wish to act in the same manner, and to the end they may believe, that when such characters lose all fear of God (and they are more obliged to be chaste than men), no trust at all is to be reposed in them ; for provided that they have their own will and affection gratified — which the devil puts in them — they care for nothing. But though I have been very wicked, yet I never fell into any crime of thir sort, nor did I ever try to commit any evil ; and even if 1 had been able, did I ever force any one to love me, because God pre served me from such an evil ; but if He had left >'»e to my self, I should certainly have committed as many evil things in this respect, as I did in other matters, for there was no trusting me in any way. As soon as I heard the particu lars of the case, I began to show him more affection : my intention indeed was good, but my action was bad, for I ought not to have committed the least evil to gain the greatest good. I discoursed very frequently with him «on- cerning God, and this perhaps did him some good, though I think that the great love he had for me influenced \\iiv the most ; for in order to confer on me a favor, and to give me
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pleasure, ho gave me bis little idol, which I immediately con trived to cast into the river. Being deprived of this, he be gan to recover like one roused from a deep sleep, and to remember all that he had done during those years : he was amazed at himself, and so, bewailing his misery, he came by degrees to abhor it. Our Blessed Lady, without doubt, assisted him much, for he was very devoted to her Concep tion, and that feast he always celebrated with great joy. At length he broke off the habit of seeing this woman any more, and could never satisfy himself with giving thanks to Almighty God for the light He had given him. But he died just upon that day twelvemonth after I had first seen him. He had already begun to serve God very fervently ; and though I never could perceive that the great affection he bore me was bad, yet it should have been more pure. But there was no want of occasions in which, if I had not kept myself in the presence of God, I might have committed very grievous offences against Him. Still, as I have already men tioned, whatever I thought might be a mortal sin, 1 would not then have committed it; and this person, seeing such a disposition in me, was inclined perhaps to love me the more. All men, I believe, are more fond of those females who they see are inclined to virtue ; and even in those things in which they desire to succeed, they gain more influence over the men, as I shall afterwards declare. I consider it ccr/uin, however, that his soul is saved, for he died very piously ; and having quitted so well the occasion, it seems our Lord was pleased he should be saved by this means.
In that place I remained three months, under the most grievous afflictions, for the cure was more severe than my constitution could endure, so that at the end of two months the medicines were so powerful that my life was almost en dangered ; in addition to this, the palpitation of my heart, which I went to have cured, became so much more violent, that sometimes I thought my heart was torn with sharp teeth, and my friends were afraid I should lose my senses. To gether with a great want of strength (for I could take no food whatever except it were li (iiid), with a violent loathing, a continual burning fever, and being also so reduced on ac count of the purging medicine, which was continued for
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almost a month,! was moreover so burnt up, that my nerves began to contract with a pain so insupportable, as to prevent me taking any rest day or night ; and during this period I was oppressed with a most profound sadness of mind.
Having recovered so far, my father took me home again, where the physicians came to see me ; all despaired of my recovery ; for, besides my usual sickness, they said I was settled in a hectic fever. This, however, troubled me very little ; but my pains afflicted me the most, f them, from the crown of my head to my feet ; the pains arising from the nerves are intolerable — according to the testimony of doctors — especially when the nerves shrink up as mine did ; and certainly, if I had not lost the merit of patience through my own fault, my torment was great enough to have earned some. I did not remain more than three* months in this torture, for it seemed impossible to endure so many afflictions together. I am now an azed at myself, an I consider as a great favor of our Lord, the patience whicli His Majesty gave me, for it evidently came from Him. 1 gained much benefit from reading the History of Job, in the " Morals" of St. Gregory ; so that our Lord seems to have prepared me by this means, and also by my having com menced the practice of Prayer, in order that I might be able to bear those trials with submission to His will. All my conversation was with Him : and often did I remember and repeat these words of Job : " If we have received good things at the hand of God, why should we not receive evil?" (Chap. xi. 10.)
At length came the Feast of our Lady, in August; for till then, from the April before, my pains had continued, though they were greater during the last three months. 1 then ninde haste to go to confession, for I was always very fond of confessing often. My friends thought that I was influenced through fear of death ; and so that I might not be troubled thereat, «jy father would not let me confess. Oh, the inordinate iovc of flesh and blood ! for though I had so Catholic a father, and one too, who was so prudent, yet he might have done me a great deal of harm, for his conduct could not have been the effect of ignorance. That night I fell into a trance, which continued for about four
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days, during which I had not the use of any of my senses. In this state I received the sacrament of Extreme Unction ; and every hour, and even every moment, was expected to be my last : my friends continued reciting the Creed, as if I understood them. At one time they considered me to be dead, so certainly, that afterwards I found drops of the wax- candles on my eyes. The affliction of my father was great, for not having allowed me to go to confession : many tears were shed, and many prayers offered to Gcd for me. Blessed be our Lord, who was pleased to hear them ; for though my grave remained open in the monastery for a day and a half, it being expected my body would be buried there ; and though the funeral service was performed by the friars of our order in another town, yet our Lord was pleased I should return to myself again : I immediately expressed a desire to confess. Having done so, I received the blessed Sacrament with many tears, though in my opinion they were not shed with a deep feeling of sorrow for having offended God ; for this might have helped to save my soul, if the error into which I was led by those who told me that some things were not mortal sins, which afterwards I felt certain were so, had not proved injurious to me. The torments with which I was afflicted were intolerable, and my understanding was rather dull, though, as I thought, my confession was entire, having declared everything by which T feared I had offended God. This favor His Majesty vouchsafed to grant me among others, that after I had begun to communicate, I never omitted con fessing anything which I thought to be a sin, even though it were venial. But yet I am almost certain that had I died then, my salvation would have been in great danger, be cause on the one hand my confessors were so little instructed, and on the other I myself was so wicked. It is most cer tainly true, that when I think of this event in my life, and how it seems as if our Lord raised me from death to life, I am filled with such great amazement, that almost my whole body trembles. It seems proper then, () my soul, that thou shouldst consider the danger from which our Lord delivered thee ; and that as thou hast not avoided offending Him through love, thou mayest cease to do so through fear, for He might have taken away thy life a thousand times, when
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tliou wert in a more dangerous state. I believe I should not be exaggerating were I to add a thousand times more though perhaps he may chide me, who commanded me to use moderation in the recital of my sins ; and yet I have represented them too favorably. But for the love of God, I beseech my Superior not to make me diminish my faults, because thereby the goodness of God will be seen, and what Ko suffered for a soul. May He be blessed forever, and may He annihilate me, rather than I should ever cease to love Him more and more.