CHAPTER IV.

SHE RELATES HOW OUR LORD ASSISTED HER IN FORCING HERSELF TO TAKE THE RELIGIOUS HABIT, AND WITH HOW MANY inFIHMI- TIES HIS DIVINE MAJESTY BEGAN TO AFFLICT HER.
AT this time, while I was continuing in the resolution mentioned .ahove, I persuaded one of my brothers to become a religious, having spoken to him on the vanity of the world, &c. We both agreed to go very early one morning to the monastery where that friend of mine was, to whom I bore such a particular affection. My resolution, however, was now so great, that I would willingly live wherever I could serve Grod the best, or my father wished me to go ; for now I paid more attention to the welfare of my soul, and made no account of rest or ease. I remember (as far as I can call to mind, and without any concealment of the truth), that when I was leaving my father's house, I believe that at my death my feelings will not be greater than they were then ; for it seems to me, that every bone in my body was then disjointed ; and as I had no love of God to remove the love I had for my father and friends, all which I did then was with such great violence, that if our Lord had not helped me, my own considerations would never have been able to advance me forward : but he gave me such courage against myself, that I was enabled to execute my resolution.
In taking the habit, our Lord immediately gave me to under stand how much lie favors those who do violence to them selves in order to serve him ; though no one noticed any thing in me but a most ardent desire (to enter on a religious life). He then gave me such foelings of delight, in having attained this state, as have never left me up to this day. He also changed that dryness in which my soul had formerly been, into an extreme tenderness, while all the observances of religion delighted me. It is likewise true, that sometimes when I was sweeping the floor — during the very time in which I used once to be occupied with dress and vanities, but that now remembering how I was free from them — a new joy was given to me ; so great, that I was amazed, and knew
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not whence it came. When I remembered these things, nothing could present itself before me, however difficult, which I should not willingly have attempted; for 1 new have experience in numerous cases to assure me, that since God helped me in the beginning to resolve to do what I have done, His Majesty will also be pleased, even in this life, to repay us by such means as he only can understand who en joys them (and our actions being done only for. the love of God, lie ordains for our greater good afterwards, that our souls should be in some trouble and terror at first ; and the greater the trouble is, the greater and the sweeter will be the reward, if we persevere). This I have found true by experience (as I have said) in many important cases; and, therefore, if I were a person who could give an opinion, I would never advise any one, when a good inspiration often comes upon him, to throw it aside through fear of not being able to put it into execution ; for if he go on solely and purely for God's sake, there need be no fear of success, since our Lord is powerful to do all things. May he be blessed forever. Amen.
The favors which Thou, 0! my Sovereign Good, and repose of my soul, hast hitherto bestowed upon me through thy own goodness and greatness, ought to have been suffi cient to have drawn me, by so many ways, to a secure state of life, and to a house where there are many servants of thine, from whom I could learn how to advance in thy ser vice. But I know not how to pass on to anything else, when I remember the circumstance of my profession, and the strong resolution, and the great pleasure wherewith i made it, and the espousals I entered into with Thee : but of this I cannot speak without tears, even of blood ; with out my very heart breaking (and this would not be any thing sufficient to testify my grief), when I think how I offended Thee af'erwards. It now seems to me, that I had reason before, in not desiring so great a dignity, since I should have made such a bad use of it. But Thou, 0 my Lord ! wast pleased, during almost all the twenty years in which I abused tliis favor, to be the person insulted, in order that I might become better. It seems now, 0 my God ! that I made no promise, except not to observe what I had
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promised Thee, though at that time my intention was not such. But I see that afterwards my actions were such, that I knew not what intention I had ; and thus it is more clearly seen who thou art, O my Spouse ! and who I am ! It is quite true, that the sorrow tor my great sins is often tem pered hy the pleasure which this consideration gives me, viz., that my sins will only make more manifest the multitude of (hy mercies. For in whcm, O Lord, can they shine more brightlj than in me, who, by my evil actions, have so greatly obscured all the immense favors which Thou didst begin to show to me ? Alas for me, O my Creator ! if I wish to make any excuse, 1 can find none ; nor can any one be blamed but myself; and if I should endeavor to return Thee any part of that love which Thou didst begin to show me, I could not centre it on any one except Thee, and thus every thing would be remedied : but since I do not deserve this, nor ever had such a happiness, may Thy mercy now supply for all my deficiencies.
My change of life and food began, at this time, to injure my health, for though the pleasure I experienced was great, it was not sufficient. Fits of fainting again began to in crease on me, accompanied with such a violent palpitation of the heart, as amazed every one who saw me : I also had many other infirmities, and thus I passed the first year with very bad health, though during this period I think 1 did not offend God much ; but as my infirmity was so great, that it almost always nearly deprived me of my senses, and some times entirely took them awray ; so great likewise was the diligence used by my father, in seeking a remedy. Since, however, the doctors in the place could not find any relief for me, my father ordered me to be removed to a place which had a high reputation for having cured other persons of their infirmities, and so I was assured mine also would be cured.
The friend of whom I spoke before as living in the house accompanied me, for she was advanced in years ; and in the monastery where she lived, no vows of enclosure were taken. I remained almost a year in this place, and during three months of it I suffered such excessive torments by the severe remedies applied, that I know not how I was able to enduro 6
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them ; and though I did endure them, yet it was not my body which bore them, as I shall now relate.
This cure was to have commenced in the beginning of summer, and I went in the beginning of winter.: all this time I remained in the house of that sister of whom I have spoken before, who lived in the country : I waited till April, being near the place, that so I might not be obliged to be going and coining to and fro. When I was leaving my uncle (whom I mentioned as having visited on the way), he gave me a book called " The Third Alphabet,"* which treated of the prayer of recollection. Now, though in the first year I had read some good books, and did not wish to read any others (for I already knew the harm they had done me); yet I knew not how to proceed in prayer, nor how to acquire recollection ; and so I was very glad to have this book, and was determined to follow that way (of prayer) to the best of my power ; and sinee our Lord was already pleased to bestow the gift of tears upon me, and as I delighted also in reading, I began to spend some time in solitude, and to " confess" very often, and to commence following that path; as I considered this book to be my guide, because I could meet with no other master, I mean no director who could understand me, though I endeavored to find one for the space of twenty years after this time. This misfortune did me much harm, and often made me turn back, yea, even to lose myself entirely ; but a good director would have daily assisted me in flying those occasions, by which I offended God.
In these beginnings, His Majesty began to confer on me such great favors, that at the end of the time I remained there in this solitude, (which was about nine months,) though I was not free from, offending God, having neglected what the book directed me to do, from an idea that such great watchfulness was almost impossible ; yet I was careful not to commit any mortal sin, and would to God I had been always so ; but of venial sins I made little account, and this was the fault which ruined me. But our Lord began to caress me so much in this way, (of prayer,) that He vouchsafed to give
* Written by F. Ossuna.
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me the favor of enjoying the " Prayer of Quiet,"* and some times that of " Union," though I understood neither the one nor the other, nor how much they deserved to be prized ; but I think it would have been a great happiness for me if I had understood their nature. True it is, the " Prayer of Union " continued so short a time, that I know not if I could have repeated the " Ave Maria " during it ; yet the effects of the prayer which remained were so great, that though I was not then twenty years old, it seemed as if I could trample the whole world under my feet ; and so I remember to have had great pity for all those who follow its maxims and ways, though even in lawful things.
I endeavored, to the best of my power, to represent our Lord Jesus Christ, who is our only good, as present within me ; and this was my method of prayer ; when I meditated on any action in His life, I represented it in my interior, though I spent the greater part of my time in reading good books, which was all the recreation I had ; for God did not give me the talent of discoursing with my understanding, nor of helping myself by means of the imagination, which is so dull, that even to think and represent within myself, (as I endeavored to do,) the Humanity of our Lord, was more than I could ever perform ; and although, if we persevere, we may more quickly arrive at " Contemplation," by being unable to exercise our understanding, yet the way is very laborious and painful, because if the occupation of the will be wanting, and our love should have no object present to occupy itself on, the soul is left, as it were, without any sup port or exercise ; and solitude and dryness give her much trouble, and bring our thoughts into a most terrible combat.
For persons who have this inclination, greater purity of conscience is necessary than for those who are able to ex ercise themselves with their understanding ; because he who is able to reflect on what this world is — on what he owes to God — how much He suffered for him — and how little he serves Him, will thence derive matter to defend himself from improper thoughts and dangerous occasions. But he who
* The Saint explains afterwards what is meant by the prayer of Quiet and Union.
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cannot make use of this means is exposed to greater danger, and therefore he should spend much time in reading, since from himself he is unable to draw any advantage. This method of proceeding is so very painful, that if the director who teaches him should urge him to pray without reading, (which is of great help to a person who proceeds in this way, and is even necessary, though what he reads may be little, and is intended to supply the place of mental prayer, which he cannot practice ;) 1 repeat, if without this help his director should make him remain a long time in prayer, it will be im possible for him to continue in it for any length of time : and besides, it will injure his health if he persist in it, for it is a very painful exercise.
It new seems our Lord so ordered things, that I could not find any one to instruct me ; for it appears impossible to have endured my great dryness and afflictions during eighteen years, without being able to discourse with my understand ing, as I have already mentioned. During all this time I never dared to pray without a book, except immediately after communicating, so that my soul was as much afraid to be without a book, as to fight against a multitude of people. But by this remedy I went on with much comfort, for it was like a guard of soldiers, or a buckler, on which the blows of many thoughts were to be received ; for this " dryness" was not usual with me, though it always came when I had no book ; and my soul became immediately disturbed, and Hiy thoughts began to wander, but by reading I soon re-collected them ; and thus, as it were by flattery, my soul advanced on ward. Often, by merely opening a book, I found I need do no more ; sometimes I read a little, and other times, much, according to the favors our Lord was pleased to show me. It seems to me, that if in these beginnings whereof I speak, I could have had books and opportunities of being in soli tude, no danger could have deprived me of so great a good. I think, likewise, that it would have proved so by the favor of God, if I could have had a director, or some person who would have advised me to fly the occasion, (of sin,) in these beginnings, and to make me forsake them immediately, if I had fallen into them. And should the devil then have attacked me openly, I think I should on no account have been induced
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to offend God grievously. But the devil was so crafty, and I was so wicked, that all my resolutions availed me but little ; though the time I spent in the service of God was of great help towards enabling me to endure my terrible afflic^ tions, which I bore with as great patience as His Majesty gave me.
Often have 1 considered with amazement the great good ness of God, and my soul has been enraptured in considering His magnificence and mercy ; may He be blessed by all men, for I have clearly seen, that even in this life He has not failed to recompense me for every good desire. And, how ever imperfect and wicked my works have been, yet my Lord continued to make them better and more perfect, thereby giving them worth and merit, while my sins and miseries He instantly hid, (from others.) Even the eyes of those who saw them, His Majesty allowed to be blinded, and their memory to fail. He gilds our faults, and causes that virtue to shine which the same Lord has placed in me, almost doing violence to me, that I may receive His favors.
But now I wish to return to what my Superiors commanded me to mention. If I were to relate minutely how our Lord proceeded with me in these beginnings, I should require another understanding different from what I have, to be able to appreciate what I owe Him in this respect, and to publish my own wickedness and ingratitude, for He has forgotten all of it. May He be blessed forever, who has borne so much from me. Amen.
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