CHAPTER III.

SHE MENTIONS HOW GOOD COMPANY WAS TIIK MEANS OF RE-AWAKEN ING VIRTUOUS DESIKES WITHIN HKIi, AND HOW OUR LORD BEGAN TO GIVE HER LIGHT TO DISCOVER IIK.lt EHKOKS.
As I now began to take delight in the good and holy con versation of this nun, I was pleased in hearing her speak so well on God, for she was a very pious and discreet person. As far as I remember, I was always pleased to hear her speak [on heavenly things.]* One day she began to tell me how she came to be a religious, which was by merely reading these words of the Gospel : " Many are called, but few are chosen." She spoke to me on the rewards our Lord will
* Not in the original.
56 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
give those who leave all things to follow Him. Her good company soon began to banish all the habits evil company had led me into, and to bring back to my mind the desire of eternal things, and also, in some degree, to divest me of that aversion I had to become a nun, which once was so very great. But now, if I saw any one shed tears at her prayers, or perceived that she possessed other virtues, I envied her extremely, though in this respect my heart was so very bad, that were I even to read the whole history of our Saviour's Passion, I could not shed a tear : this gave me a great deal of pain.
I remained a year and a half in this monastery to my great advantage ; for I began to recite many vocal prayers, and prevailed on all the nuns to recommend me to God, that lie might place me in such a state of life, wherein I could serve Him. But, still, I wished not, to be a nun, and that this might not be the state which God would appoint for me. I was, however, afraid to marry. But at the end of the time I was in the monastery, I had a greater desire to be a religious, though not in that house, because the virtues there practiced were too high for me, and their mortifications seemed excessive in the extreme. Some of the younger nuns also encouraged me in these ideas ; but if all had been of the same opinion, I should have gained much by it. I had like wise a great friend in another monastery, and this was partly a reason which induced me not to wish to be a nun, except in the house where this person lived, that is, if I were to be a nun at all. I had more regard for the pleasure of my sensuality and vanity, than for the welfare of my soul. These good thoughts, however, of being a nun, sometimes came into my mind, and went away immediately, so that I could not yet persuade myself to be one.
At this period, though I was not without solicitude for a remedy, yet our Lord was more desirous of disposing me for that state which was the best for my soul. I became so un well, that I was obliged to return to my father's house. When I recovered, I was taken to my sister's house on a visit ; she resided in the country, and great was the love I had for her ; and if she could have had her will, I should
L I F E O F S T . T E R E S A . 57
never have left her. Her husband also loved me much, at least he showed me every kindness and attention ; and even for this T am indebted to our Lord, since in every place I am always treated kindly, notwithstanding I have been as ungrateful for this favor as I have for all others.
On the way to my sister, my father's brother* resided — a very discreet and virtuous man. He was a widower, and cur Lord was disposing him for Himself, for in his de clining year he left everything, became a religious, and ended his days in such a manner, that I believe he now en joys the sight of God. But as I passed, he wished me to remain a few days with him. It was his custom to read good books in Spanish ; and his usual discourse was on God and on the vanity of the world. Those books he made me also read ; and though I had no great liking for them, yet I pretended I had ; for I always took the greatest care to give pleasure to others, however dear it might cost me : hence, what in others would have been virtue, in me was a fault, because T often conducted myself without discretion. 0 my God ! by what means and ways didst thy Majesty go on, disposing me for that state in which Thou wert pleased I should serve Thee ! Thou didst even force me, against my will, to do violence to myself. Be Thou blessed forever. Amen. Though I remained but a short time in this place, yet such was the effect produced in my heart by the words of God, which I both heard and read, and also by the good company I had been in, that I came to understand those truths 1 had learnt when a child, viz., that all things were nothing ; how great was the vanity of the world : how it would shortly end; and that I had just reason to fear, if I died (in my present state), I should be sent to hell. But though my will did not yet wholly incline me to be a nun, yet I clearly saw it wr.s the better and more secure state : and so by little and litt.e I resolved to force myself to em brace it.
In this battle I continued three months, urging myself to the religious state by these reasons ; the labors and trouble
* His name was Pedro Sanchez do Cepeda.
58 LIFE OF ST. TERESA.
of being a nun could not be greater than the pains of purga tory : and that as I had justly deserved hell, it should not be Considered much, if, while I lived, I remained, as it were, in purgatory, that so afterwards I might go straight to heaven. Such was my desire : but in this inclination to em brace the religious life, it seems to me that I was more in fluenced by servile fear than by love.
The devil, in the meantime, represented to me that I should never be able to endure the difficulties of the reli gious state, because I was so delicately brought up. But against these suggestions I defended myself, by remembering the labors and sufferings of our Lord, and that it would not be much for me to endure some f( r the love of Him : I should also have recollected, that he would give me strength to endure them (for I forget whether I had this thought); but I am sure I had many temptations at this time. Faint ing fits, accompanied with burning fevers', began also to seize mo, f r I always had very bad health. But I was supported by having become, at this period, fond of good books. 1 read the " Epistles"* of St. Jerome, which encouraged me to such a degree, as to make me resolve to acquaint my fatner with my intention, which was for me almost the same as taking the habit ; for I was so nice about my word of honor, that it seems to me, when once I had given my word, 1 could never on any account withdraw it. But my father loved me so much, that I could not by any means gain his consent ; neither was the entreaty of other persons, whom I induced to speak to him, of ar.y avail. The most that I could obtain from him was, that after his death I might do as 1 pleased. I feared, however, my own weakness, lest I should fall back again ; and so I thought it better not to accept the condition, and therefore I endeavored to gain my object in another way, as I shall now relate.
* " St. Jerome, when in Rome, had the care of many devout ladies, as Lea, Fabiola, Lacta, Paula, Eustochiuni, Ac., to whom many of his most ^difying and valuable letters are addressed.
LIFE OP ST. TERESA. 59