CHAPTER I.

THE SAINT MENTIONS HOW OVR i,ORD BEGAN TO EXCITE HER SOUL, IN HER CHILDHOOD, TO VIRTUOUS ACTIONS, AND WHAT GREAT HELP HER PIOUS PARENTS WERE TO HER.
As I had virtuous parents, and such as feared God, this would have been sufficient, together with the other favors our Lord bestowed upon me, to have made me good, if I had not been so wicked. My father took great delight in read ing good books, and he had them in Spanish, that his children might be able to read them. This circumstance, together with the care my mother took to make us say our prayers, and to show us the way of being devout to our Lady and some other saints, began to affect me when I was about six or seven years old, to the best of my remembrance. I was also assisted by observing, I should receive no favors from my parents, except I was virtuous, and they were very virtuous themselves. My father was exceedingly charitable towards the poor, and kind to the sick and infirm : and even to his servants he was so considerate, that he never could prevail on himself to keep any slaves, because his kindness was so great. Once there was a slave in his house who be longed to a brother of his, and he treated him as if one of his own sons, and said he could not bear to see such, unless they were free — such was his compassion. lie was a great lover of truth : never did any one hear him swear, or detract ; he was also exceedingly chaste. My mother likewise had many virtues, and she passed through life under great infir mities. Her purity was beyond all praise; for though she was very beautiful, no one ever heard she gave any occasion to the least suspicion, or that she made any account of her
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beauty ; and when she died, at three-and-thirty years of age, her conduct was such as would become a much older person. Her disposition was very sweet, and her under standing very solid. The afflictions she had to endure all her life were numerous ; when she died she made a most Christian end.
There were three sisters and nine brothers ; all (through the goodness of God) resembled our parents in being virtuous except myself, though my father loved me the most, and truly, before I began to offend God, he seemed to have had some reason : for I am grieved when I remember the good inclinations our Lord had given me, and the little I knew how to make a good use of them. My brothers, too, in no way prevented me from serving God.
One of them was about the same age as myself, and I loved him more than all the rest; though, at the same time, I loved them all very tenderly, and they loved me ; myself and my brother joined together in reading the Lives of the Saints. When I saw the martyrdoms through which many had passed, for the love of God, I thought they had pur chased very cheaply, the sight and enjoyment of God ; and I myself felt a great desire to die in this manner ; not, how ever, through the love which I thought I had for him, but rather that I might, by so short a way, enjoy the possession of those immense goods which I had read were to be found in heaven. I, therefore, and my brother considered together, what means there were within our reach, for attaining this object. We agreed to go into the country of the Moors, and to beg our way for the love of God, so that we might be put to death there ; and it seems that our Lord gave us courage in so tender an age, if we could have found any means for accomplishing our object ; but our having parents appeared to be the greatest obstacle. We were greatly amazed in reading, that both the torments and glory [&f the next life]* were eternal. We often spoke on this subject, and we took delight in often repeating these words : " for-
* These words within brackets are not in the original, but have been inserted to make the sense more alear.
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ever, forever, forever." By pronouncing them over and over again, our Lord was pleased to imprint the way of truth on me in that tender age ; and now, when I saw it was im possible to go where I might be put to death for God, my brother and myself tried to become hermits, and so, in a garden, which belonged to the house, we endeavored as well as we could to erect hermitages, and collected little stones fur this purpose, which, however, soon fell down when we piled them up ; and thus we could find no means of exe cuting our desires. But now it excites devotion in me when I consider how soon God gave me these good desires, which I afterwards lost through my own fault : I gave alms as well as I could, though they were but little. I tried to bo alone, in order to perform my devotions, which were many, especially the Rosary ; a devotion to which my mother was very much attached, and she endeavored to make us love it also. I took great delight, when playing with other chil dren, in making monasteries, as if we had been nuns ; and it seemed as if I desired to be one, though not so earnestly as 1 did those things of which I have spoken.
I remember that when my mother died I was not quite twelve years old. When I began to understand what a loss I had sustained, I was greatly afflicted, and I threw myself before an image of our Lady, beseeching her, with many tears, to be a mother to me. And though I performed this action in simplicity, yet I think I gained benefit from it, for I have clearly experienced the assistance of this sovereign Virgin, whenever I recommended myself to her ; and, in a word, she has turned me altogether to her. It grieves me now to consider how insignificant those impediments were, which prevented me from remaining constant and firm in those good desires which I began [to have]. 0 my Lord! since it seems Thou art determined to save me (and I be seech thy Majesty* that it may bo so), and to show me such great favors as Thou hast already shown me ; wilt Thou not be pleased (not for my interest but for Thy glory), that this
* Your Majesty is a title frequently given by tho Saint both to God ind our Saviour. It is also applied in Spain to the Sacred Host
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dwelling in which Thou so continually abidest, may never more be defiled ? I am grieved even to say so much as this, because I know the fault was entirely my own, since nothing was wanting on Thy part, that I might be wholly thine from that age. And if I should venture to complain of my pa rents, this would avail but little, since I never saw anything in them but what was good, and a solicitude for my welfare also. Passing on from that tender age, I began to under stand the gifts of nature which our Lord had given me (which were great, according to what people said), and in stead of giving Him thanks for them, I began to make use of them all in offending Him, as I shall now declare.