Section 9

I was walking . , • > i m- • u
to and fro^in a sad and doleful state, afflicting myself
mans shop ^^ seif_abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought ; lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned ; praying also in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if at t?e window"1 there had rushed in at the window,
the n°ise of wind uPon me> but veI7 pleasant, and as if I heard a voice
speaking, Did'st thou ever refuse to be justified by
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A GREAT CALM
the blood of Christ ? and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that designedly I had not : so my heart answered groaningly, No. Then
fell, with power, that word of God
' The word of
upon me, See that ye refuse not Him God falls upon that speaketh. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had
J • f Silence com-
not, as I had feared, quite forsaken manded in my and cast off my soul ; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation ; a kind of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstand- ing my sins, and the heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know not ; or from whence it came, I know not ; I have not yet in twenty years' time been able to make a judgment of it ; / thought then what here I should be loth to speak. But verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me ; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment : only this I say it commanded a great calm in my soul ; it persuaded me there might
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GRACE ABOUNDING
be hope : it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation ; I know not
yet what to say unto it : which was I was persuaded J . * '
there might be also, in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the book ; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate I began to mis- ^e matter as there I did experience trust again j^ This lasted in the savour of it
for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to despair again. '
175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before My life hung in me> not knowing which way I should doubt tip ; only this I found my soul desire,
even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh I 'twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned : 'twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned ; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me!
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THERE WAS BUT ONE WAY
especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before ! I was ashamed ; yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me : but I saw that there was but one way with me ; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.
176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, That I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not for any in my case ; neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the Mediator, by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father ; and without Whom, no prayer could come into His presence : wherefore now to pray, is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off, is the next way to anger and offend Him more than you ever did before.
177. For God (saith he) hath been weary of you for these several years already, because
you are none of His; your bawlings
in His ears, hath been no pleasant is no pleasant TT- 17 r TT , voice to Him
•voice to Him; and therefore He let
you sin this sin, that you might be quite cut off ; and will you pray still? This the devil urged, and set forth that in Numbers, when Moses said to the children of Israel, That because they would not go
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GRACE ABOUNDING
up to possess the land, when God would have them, therefore for ever after He did bar them out from thence, though they prayed they might with tears. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.
178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi.
..... 14, The man that sins presumptu- Some texts did
pinch me very ously shall be taken from God s altar, that he may die ; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to find shelter there, i Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore ; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die ; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer !
179. I did also desire the prayers of the people
of God for me, but I feared that God God's would give them no heart to do it;
people, but durst vea I trembled in my soul to think, not ask them / *
that some or other of them would
shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet con- cerning the children of Israel, Pray not for this
100
BUNYAN SEEKS COMFORT / took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian
[See page 101
WHEREFORE I WENT TO GOD
people, for I have rejected them. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, Pray not for him, for I have rejected him, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so ; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself : Man knows the beginning of sin (said Spira), but who bounds the issues thereof?
1 80. About this time I took an opportunity to 'break my mind to an ancient Christian.
i /«. Till-1 tel1 my case to
and told him all my case : I told him an ancient also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, He thought so too. Here therefore I had but cold comfort ; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
1 8 1. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, That seeing
I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked Him to displeasure, Who would have stood between my soul and the Jlame of devouring fire, there was now but one way • and that was, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me ; that we might be reconciled again, and that I might have that blessed benefit In Him, that His blessed saints enjoyed.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul,
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GRACE ABOUNDING
He is of one mind, and who can turn Him! Oh! I My soul is rent saw> ^ was as easy to persuade Him to asunder make a new world, a new covenant,
or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder ; Neither is there salvation in any other • for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved. Acts iv. 12. 183. Now the most free, and full and gracious
Nothing did words of the S°sPel> were the Sreatest twinge my con- torment to me; yea, nothing so
afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour ; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind ; nothing did twinge my conscience like this : every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword ; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart ; Aye, this is the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of God, Whom you have parted with, Whom you have slighted, despised, and abused. This is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only One that could so
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THE TEMPTER BEGAN AFRESH
love sinners, as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood ; but you have no part nor lot in this Jesus : you have put Him from you ; you have said in your heart, Let Him go, if He will. Now, there- fore, you are severed from Him; you have severed yourself from Him : behold then His goodness, but your- self to be no partaker of it. Oh ! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with ! What has disinherited my poor soul ! what^asdfs- ''
Oh ! 'tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God ; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk con- tinually with Him in this world ; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and l trembled at also add continual affliction and shame God>s Samuels upon my soul. The dread of them was upon me, and I trembled at God's Samuels, i Sam. xvi. 4.
184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying, That Christ indeed did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss ; but foras- much as I had sinned and transgressed as 1 had done, He could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared : for my sin was not of the nature of theirs, for Whom He bled and died ; neither was It counted with
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GRACE ABOUNDING
those that were laid to His charge, when He hanged on a tree : therefore, unless He should come down from heaven, and die anew for this sin, though Indeed He did greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of Him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations : every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me ; nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds sin was not7 of that pardon, that was wrapped up
in a Promise 5 and if nOt> then T knew assuredly, that it was more easy for
heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.
185. But oh! how this would add to my afflic-
_ . L , , tion. to conceit that I should be
Scripture would .
strike me down guilty or such a sin, for which He
did not die. These thoughts would
so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up
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BROKEN, SCATTERED, RENT
from faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh ! thought I, that He would come down again ! Oh ! that the work of man's redemption was yet to be done by Christ ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died ! But this scripture would strike me down as dead ; Christ being raised from the dead, dietb no more ; death hath no more dominion over Him. Rom. vi. 9.
1 86. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults
of the tempter, my soul was like a
7 f My soul driven
broken vessel, driven as with the as with the winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair ; sometimes upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way,
and changed, But in all these, I was
, i . , . j , I was as those
as those that jostle against the rocks ; that jostie
more broken, scattered and rent. Oh ! ^jsi the the un - thought - of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guilt yielding to despera- tion ! This is the man that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead ; that is always crying out, and cutting himself with stones. Mark v. i, 2, 3. But, I say, all in vain ; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or
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GRACE ABOUNDING
tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man's salvation : What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would shut him out.
187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did I was always think or do. So one day I walked sinking to a neighbouring town, and sate down
upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the heavens
bourin* taown'Sh- did Srudge tO Sive %ht '
the very stones in the street, and
tiles upon the houses, did bend themselves against me. Methought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature