Section 8

152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, jwasasjf besides the guilt that possessed me, racked upon the I should be so void of grace, so be- witched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the great transgression? Ps. xix. 13. Must that wicked one touch my soul ? i John v. 1 8. Oh ! what sting did I find in all these sentences ?
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GRACE ABOUNDING
153. What, thought I, is there but one sin that
is unpardonable ? but one sin that But one sin un- , , * . 1-1 i i
pardonable, and layeth the soul without the reach
rthVt?beSuilty of God's mercy; and must I be guilty of that ? must it needs be that ? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness ; and must I commit this ? Oh ! unhappy sin \ Oh ! unhappy man \ These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, Tbu know, how, that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected. Oh / no one knows the terrors of those days but myself.
154. After this I began to consider of Peter's Peter's sin and ^ which he committed in denying mine his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy re- ceived ; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice ; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but a denial of his Master, but mine was, a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or Peter.
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A SON OF PERDITION
155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me ; yea, it would grind me, as
' ] My torment
it were to powder, to consider the flames out and preservation of God towards others, lctsr while I fell into the snare ; for in my thus consider- ing of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.
156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set
about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had £?sdpsee0^f out hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature ; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy : but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak of God's keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.
157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtook His
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GRACE ABOUNDING
elect; so He had His hand in all the temptations
-......; that they had to sin against Him;
God's hand in ; . ° . ,
the temptations not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not destroy, but humble them ; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to His people ! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others, fall ; but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved ; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by Him ; and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept things wrought His own, that was killing to me; if overthrow™211 * thought of how I was fallen my- self, that was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal over- throw.
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FROM TROUBLE TO SORROW
158. Then again I began to compare my sin with
the sin of Judas, that, if possible. I
1 I compare my
might find if mine differed from that, sin with the sin which in truth is unpardonable : and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And by considering, I found that Judas did this intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings : besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden : all this while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and the dreadful consequences thereof.
159. Yet this consideration about Judas" s sin was, for awhile, some little relief to me ; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin ; also I thought there might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.
1 60. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas: I iwasashamed thought also how loathsome I should to be !ike such
an ugly man as
be unto all the saints at the day or Judas judgment : insomuch that now I could scarce see a
GRACE ABOUNDING
good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh ! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him.
1 6 1. I was much about that time tempted to
content myself by receiving some false opinion ; as, that there should be no thedayofjudg- such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again ; and that sin was no such grievous thing : the tempter suggesting thus : For if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much beforehand : drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters use to help themselves withal.
162. But oh! when such thoughts have led
,^, through my heart, how, as it were.
I thought the . .5 ' '
judge stood at within a step, hath death and judg-
the door i • • i 11
ment been in my view! methought the Judge stood at the door ; I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no enter- tainment. But methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit ; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.
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DAGGERS IN MY SOUL
163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a
tempest, driven away from God ; for hard work to always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, 'T/V too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall ; not to my correction, but con- demnation : my sin is unpardonable ; and I know, concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birth- right, he would have received the blessing, but was rejected. About this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira ; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound : x read the story every sentence in that book, every of Francis Spira groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twist- ing, and languishing, and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul ; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, Man knows the beginning of sin, but who bounds the issues thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience ; For you know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected ; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.
GRACE ABOUNDING
164. Then should I be struck into a very great
trembling, insomuch that at sometimes Ifeltsucha o>
clog-ging at my 1 could, ror whole days together, reel reason of my my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and un- pardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder ; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by falling headlong, he burst asunder In the midst, and all his bowels gushed out. Acts i. 1 8.
165. I feared also that this was the mark that
the Lord did set on Cain, even con-
twine,and shrink tinual fear and trembling, under the undermyburthen
charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me ; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.
1 66. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, He hath received gifts for the rebellious. Psalm Ixviii. 18. The rebellious, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him ; and this, thought I, is my very
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GIFTS FOR THE REBELLIOUS
condition : I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him ; but now I am a rebel ; I have sold Him, I have said, Let Him go, if He will-, but yet He has gifts for rebels ; and then why not for me ?
167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some,
> I was like a man
though small refreshment, might have going to execu-
been conceived by me ; but in this also I missed of my desire ; I was driven with force be- yond it ; I was like a man going to execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.
1 68. Again, after I had thus considered the sins
of the saints in particular, and found
My sms beyond
mine went beyond them, then I began the sins of the to think with myself, Set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is hopes ; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.
169. I should think with myself that David shed
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GRACE ABOUNDING
blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon ; a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me : Ah ! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?
170. Then I thought on Solomon, and how he
For me, no more sinned in loving strange women, in sacrifice for sin falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received : but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this ; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy ; but 1 had sold my Saviour, and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.
171. I would then add to these men's sins, the Manasseh's sin, sms °^ Manasseh ; how that he built and mine altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, They are none of them of the
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1 MINE OUT-WENT EVERY ONE'
nature of yours ; you have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.
172. This one consideration would always kill my
heart, my sin was point blank against
' , My heart killed
my Saviour] and that too, at that
height, that I had in my heart said of Him, Let Him go, if He will. Oh ! methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable ; nor all of them together, was able to equal mine ; mine out-went them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful Judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand : (// is a
fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, / have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions ; and as a cloud, thy sins : return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God ; for I did flee from His face ; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him ; by reason of His highness, I could not endure : then would the text cry, Return unto Me ; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, Return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could G 95
GRACE ABOUNDING
discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand ; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, For you know, how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Wherefore I could not refrain, but The text fled> though at some times it cried,
r^umr"did Return, return, as if it did hollow
hollow after me after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God ; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my con- science, For you know that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected, etc. 174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning of myself in my