Section 7

127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in general, He was pleased to take
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LONGING FOR THE LAST DAY
this course with me ; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then reveal them unto
me: as sometimes I should lie under afflicted with .. r . temptations
great guilt for sm, even crushed to the ground therewith ; and then the Lord would show me the death of Christ ; yea, so sprinkle my con- science with His blood, that I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and love of God. through Christ.
128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from heaven, with many
11 if i_ . . Ihadanevi-
golden seals thereon, all hanging in dencepfmy my sight. Now could I remember salvatlon this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and com- munion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins. For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it ! And oh ! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.
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GRACE ABOUNDING
129. But before I had got thus far out of these
my temptations, I did greatly lone: I long to see some ancient to see some ancient godly mans
expenence experience, who had writ some
hundreds of years before I was born ; for those who had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ only that which others felt ; or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of Martin Luther s; it was his Comment on the Galatians\ it also was so old, that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book
God did cast into had fallen int° m7 hand> the which my hand when I had but a little way perused,
Luther's _ _ _ ... . , .
Comment on I found my condition in his experi- ence, so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made n£ marvel: for thus thought I, This man could not know any thing of the state of Christians now, but must needs write and speak the experience of former days.
130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations,
LUTHER ON GALATIANS
namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like ; showing that the law of Moses, as Ipreferthisbook well as the devil, death, and hell, before all the
, , i , i books (except
hath a very great hand therein: the Bible) that the which, at first, was very strange ever l haveseen to me ; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let fall before all men — I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatlans (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.
131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved
Christ dearly : Oh ! methought my
, ; ° . J I felt my love to
soul cleaved unto Him, my affections Christ as hot as
cleaved unto Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire ; and now, as Job said, / thought 1 should die in my nest ; but I did quickly find, that my great love was but little ; and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle, — God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.
132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love through Christ;
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GRACE ABOUNDING
the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
133. And that was, To sell and part with this
most blessed Christ, to exchange Him for the things of this life, for any thing.
Iny tiling f°r The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me
so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in
a month : no, not sometimes one hour in many days
together, unless when I was asleep.
134. And though, in my judgment, I was per- suaded, that those who were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; The land shall not be sold for ever, for the land Is mine, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He had done ; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous ones.
135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come,
78
TORTURED, AS UPON A RACK
Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that ; sell Him, sell Him.
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times to- A hundred tines Aether, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him : together my
, . , T r 11 thoughts were
against which, I may say, for whole * Sell Him, sell hours together, I have been forced im> s to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent thereto ; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it ; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some times, I say,
J 1 I was scared
consent thereto, and be overcome lest I should i_ • i_ i t_ ^L r c consent thereto
therewith, that by the very force of
my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this v/ickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows ; still answering, as fast as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I will not ; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds : thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value on Him ; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.
138. At these seasons he would not let me eat F 79
GRACE ABOUNDING
my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set
I could not eat at the table at m7 meat> l must g° my food at quiet hence to pray ; I must leave my food
now, just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, Now I am at meat ; let me make an end. No, said he, you must do It now, or you will dis- please God, and despise Christ. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things ; and because of the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed. V 139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in
After much m7 bed> l was> as at other times>
striving the most fiercely assaulted with this
thought came, . J
'Let Him go, if temptation, To sell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, as fast as a man could speak : against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, Let Him go, if He will ; and I thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh!
80
WORDS AS FETTERS OF BRASS
the diligence of Satan ! Oh ! the desperateness of man's heart ! v
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I, as a bird that is shot from the top Down fell l into of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field ; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear ; where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life ; and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul : Or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright : for ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected ; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii. 16, 17.
142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come;
nothing now, for two years together,
would abide with me, but damnation, Jbid« with me
but damnation
and an expectation of damnation : I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.
143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten
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GRACE ABOUNDING
or eleven o'clock on that day, as I was walking This sentence under an hedge (full of sorrow and ^£e(*uponme, guilt, God knows), and bemoaning Christ remits all myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in my spirit : with that this word took hold upon me, The blood of Jesus Christ His Son, cleanseth us from all sin. i John i. 7.
144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul,
and methought I saw, as if the The tempter did .. , f . ,
leer and steel tempter did leer and steal away from away from me m^ ^ bemg ashamed of what he
had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins : but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.
145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esaus selling of his birthright ; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so
82
A SAD AND CAREFUL HEART
that I could by no means lift up myself ; for when I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me ; For ye know, how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.
146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii. -21, I have
WOW V73.S I tOTG
prayed for thee that thy faith fail and rent for not-, but it would not abide upon maflydays me ; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.
147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of j search to es my sin, and to search into the word of a word of pro- God, if I could in any place espy a word
of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii. 28 : All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offences ; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be under- stood, as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there
83
GRACE ABOUNDING
are mentioned ; but not to me, who had not only re- ceived light and mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of
I feared my sin mine> mi£ht be that sin unPardon-
might be the sin able, of which He there thus speaketh.
unpardonable r» / / 77/7/7
But he that shall blaspheme against
the Holy Ghost, hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. Mark iii. 2 9. And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: For you know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected ; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it care- fully with tears. And this stuck always with me.
149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror I was a burthen to m7self 5 nor did I ever so know,
aS n°W' W^at ** WaS t0 ^e wear7
of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh ! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself ! anything but a man, and in any con- dition but my own ! For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was im- possible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.
150. And now I began to labour to call again
1 God hath let t*me t^iat was sPent > wishing a thou- me go, and I sand times twice told, that the day
am fallen ' , T . . , .
was yet to come, when I should be tempted to such a sin ; concluding with great indig-
THE GREAT TRANSGRESSION
nation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas ! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me ; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh ! thought I, that it were with me as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me ! Job xxix. 2.
151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin i compare my with others, to see if I could find sin with David's that any of those that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered David's adultery, and murder, and fotfnd them most heinous crimes ; and those too committed after light and grace received : but yet by considering that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of Moses, from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver him : but mine was against the gospel ; yea, against the Mediator thereof ; I had sold my Saviour.