Section 6

X
GRACE ABOUNDING
midst of these distractions, The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked. Isa. Ivii. 20, 21.
105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding
M heart at ^arc^ ' ^ ^ would have given a thousand times was ex- pounds for a tear, I could not shed
ceeding hard . , .
one : no, nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, to think that this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin ; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of God ; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me, I thought my con- dition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.
1 06. While this temptation lasted, which was about
a year, I could attend upon none of the These tempta- J rV* * .«
tions lasted ordinances ot God, but with sore and
about ayear ^^ affliction> Yea, then I was most
distressed with blasphemies. If I had been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold me a captive there : if I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor
64
WANDERING THOUGHTS
remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.
107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time ; sometimes I have thought ^^
I have felt him behind me pulling my troubled in clothes : he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer ; still drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these ; that I must pray to him, or for him : I have thought sometimes of that, Fall down ; or, if thou wilt fall down and worship me. Matt. iii. 9.
1 08. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God ; then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to these : To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind, that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as they.
109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel. But, oh ! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with unexpress- ible groanings. My whole soul was then in every
65
GRACE ABOUNDING
word ; I should cry with pangs after God, that He
would be merciful unto me; but
forth ftseifPwith then I should be daunted again with
such conceits as tnese : I should think that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me, as if I had nothing to do with My mercy, but to bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor soul ! how art thou deceived! It is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest. 1 10. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, Thetemptersaid, with such discouragements as these:
'You are very You are very hot for mercy, but I
hot for mercy, . J . J
but I will cool wilt cool you ; this frame shall not last
always : many have been as hot as you for a spurt, but I have quenched their zeal (and with this, such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid that I should do so too : But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind : well, I will watch, and take what care I can. Though you do, said Satan, / shall be too hard for you ; / will cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling your heart, if I can do it at last ? Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep : 1 will ply it close, but I will have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, I can pull you from this Jire ; I shall have you cold before it be long.
66
SUPPORTS IN TEMPTATION
in. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find my- j was brought self fit for present death, so I thought, iato £reat straits to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more
upon it (like her who met with the
, , ^ . These things did
adulterer, Deut. xxn. 20), in which not make me
days that was a good word to me, slack my crymg after I had suffered these things a while: — 1 am persuaded that neither death, nor life, etc., shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. viii. 38,^39. And now I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then all questioned
* , . -r ... i r The scriptures
by me ; that in Jer. ///. at the first gave me support
was something to me; and so was tions7tempta~ the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, My Father, Thou art the Guide of my youth, and shall return unto Him.
1 1 3. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that
GRACE ABOUNDING
in 2 Con v. 21 : For He hath made Him to be sin
for us, Who knew no sin. that we I receive com- • i , i i i • / /. ^, ,
fort whilst in a might be made the righteousness of God
neighbour's in Ulmt j remember that one day,
as I was sitting in a neighbour's house, and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my mind, What ground have I to say that, who have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternal life ? That word came suddenly upon me, What shall we say to these things ? If God be for us, who can be against us? Rom. viii. 31. That also was an help unto me, Because I live, ye shall live also. John xiv. 19. But these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not; but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me, to heaven again. Acts x. 16.
114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and
graciously discover Himself unto me,
Afterwards the ,.,,,., ,
temptation was and indeed, did quite, not only de- liver me from the guilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other Christians were.
1 15. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering the enmity
68
BY THE FIRE, MUSING
that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind, Having made peace through the l have a d blood of His cross. Col. i. 20. By day in the which I was made to see, both again and again, that God and my soul were friends by His blood ; yea, I saw that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other, through His blood. This was a good day to me ; I hope I shall never forget it.
1 16. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that
also a precious word unto me, For as- with solid joy
and peace much then as the children are partakers
of flesh and blood, He also Himself likewise took part of the same, that through death He might destroy him that had the power of death, that Is the devil ; and de- liver those who through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject to bondage. Heb. ii. 14, 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me, that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sate ; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.
117. At this time also I sate under the ministry of holy Mr Giffbrd, whose doctrine, The ministr^ by God's grace, was much for my of holy Mr
LviK S^- j • u Giffordwas
stability. This man made it much much for my
his business to deliver the people of stabuity
God from all those false and unsound tests, that
GRACE ABOUNDING
by nature we are prone to. He would bid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust ; as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily to God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set us down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; For, said he, if you do otherwise, when temptations come, if strongly, you not having received them with evidence from heaven, will find you want that help and strength now to resist, that once you thought you had.
1 1 8. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the A seasonable former and latter rains in their word to my soul season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of these his words: for I had felt no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord, but by the Holy Ghost). Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, that in nothing that pertained to God's glory, and my own eternal happi- ness, He would suffer me to be without the con- firmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the revelations of God in heaven : also a great difference betwixt that faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and that which comes by a man's being born thereto of God. Matt. xvi. 15; i John v. i.
70
OUT OF THE GRAVE'S MOUTH
119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God ! Even from
the birth and cradle of the Son of from truth to God, to His accession, and second coming from heaven to judge the world !
120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very good unto me ;
for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing that I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but He was pleased to do it for me ; I mean, not one part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it : methought I saw with great evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even to His second coming to judgment : me- thought I was as if I had seen Him born, as if I had seen Him grow up ; as if I had seen Him walk through this world, from the cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how gently He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress, that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter, i Peter i. 12, 20.
121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have remembered that word, Touch Me not, Mary, etc., I have seen as if He had leaped out of the grave's mouth,
7'
GRACE ABOUNDING
for joy that He was risen again, and had got the
conquest over our dreadful foes. The scriptures T , T , , . ,
confirm me in John xx. 17. I have also in the
sPirit> see* Him a man, on the right hand of God the Father for me ; and have seen the manner of His coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have been con- firmed in these things by these scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; i Thess. iv. 17, 18. .. 122. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as well as God,
The divinity and j Xj n- j . i
manhood of the and God as well as man : and truly,
in those da7s? let men Sa7 what the7 would, unless I had it with evidence
from heaven, all was nothing to me ; I counted myself not set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be resolved ; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind : And I beheld, and, lo, in the midst of the throne, and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb, as it had been slain. In the midst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead ; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood ; but, oh ! methought this did glister ! It was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help me much in this> For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given ; and the government shall be upon His shoulder : and
72
THE QUAKER CONTROVERSY
His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace, etc. Isa. ix. 6.
1 23. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord made use of two Iamconfirmed
things to confirm me in this truth; in the truth by
. the errors of the
the one was the errors of the Quakers and the
Quakers, and the other was the S^0*"8111 guilt of sin ; for as the Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully maintain it.
124. The errors that this people then maintained, were : —
4 1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.
4 2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, etc.
'3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.
4 4. That Christ's flesh and blood were within the saints.
c 5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the church-yard, shall not arise again.
' 6. That the resurrection is past with good men already.
'7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, on mount Calvary, in the
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GRACE ABOUNDING
land of Canaan, by Jerusalem, was not ascended above the starry heavens.
4 8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day ; and as man, judge all nations,' etc.
125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures, and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth : And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much ; for still as that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too sweetly, according to the scripture. 0 friends ! cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you] there is none teacheth like Him.
126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell
The thin s of ^ou *n Part^cular? now God did set me Christ openfed down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that He might so do, lead me into His words ; yea, and also how He did open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.