Section 3

c 31
GRACE ABOUNDING
with me; yea, to relate it in mine own way, I thought no man in England could please God better than I.
36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while ignorant of Jesus Christ ; and going about to establish my own righteousness ; and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my state by nature.
37. But upon a day, the good providence of God
called me to Bedford, to work on my I listen to the J J
women at calling ; and in one of the streets of
• j O '
that town, I came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door, in the sun, talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk talker also myself, in the matters of religion ; but I may say, / heard but understood not ; for they were far above, out of my reach. Their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature ; they talked how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported, against the temptations of the devil: moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular ; and told to each other, by which they had been afflicted and how they were borne up under his
BUNYAN LISTENS TO THE POOR WOMEN OF BEDFORD
/ came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door,
in the sun, talking about the things of God
[See page 32
INSPIRING CONVERSATION
assaults. They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight and abhor their own righteous- ness, as filthy, and insufficient to do them any good.
38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak ; they spake with such pleasant- ness of scripture language, and with such appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they had found a new world ; as if they were people that dwelt alone, and were not to be reckoned among their neighbours. Numb, xxiii. 9.
39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my condition to be
' .11 I am ignorant
naught ; for 1 saw that in all my of the new- thoughts about religion and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind ; neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no notice of them ; neither did I understand what Satan's tempta- tions were, nor how they were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.
40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and con- sidered what they said, I left them.
I feel I lack the and went about my employment true tokens of a
again, but their talk and discourse truly godly "^ went with me ; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both
33
GRACE ABOUNDING
because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one.
41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and again into the company of these poor people ; for I could not stay away ; and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition ; and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at which I did some- times marvel (especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was). The one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other was a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating on it, and on all other good things, which at any time I heard or read of.
42. By these things my mind was now so turned, that
it lay like an horse-leech at the vein,
My mind more .,, . ~, . ^ . ^
fixed on things still crying out, ufttt, G/w, rrov. xxx.
etenrn!tying I5 > 7ea> it: was so ^xed on eternity,
and on the things about the kingdom of heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor threats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold ; and though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken
34
A PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE
my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it often since, to get again from earth to heaven.
43. One thing I may not omit : There was a young man in our town, to whom my heart l meet ^ old before was knit, more than to any companion other, but he being a most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoreing, I now shook him off, and forsook his company ; but about a quarter of* a year after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he did: he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well. But, Harry, said I, why do you curse and swear thus ? What will become of you, if you die in this condition ? He answered me in a great chafe, What would the devil do for company, if it were not for such as I am ?
44. About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put forth by some of
our countrymen, which books were books come^8 also highly in esteem by several old inprayyfohrands'
professors; some of these I read, guidance to
read them but was not able to make any
judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon them (seeing myself unable to judge), I would betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner. 0 Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know the truth from error : Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to approve of, or condemn this doctrine • if it be of God, let me not despise it ; if it be
35
GRACE ABOUNDING
of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, 1 lay my soul in this matter only at Thy foot, let me not be deceived, I humbly beseech Thee. I had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was the poor man I spoke of before ; but about this time, he
also turned a most devilish Ranter, wmpanfonTurns and gave himself up to all manner of RanterSh filthiness, especially uncleanness : he
would also deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit ; and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety ; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and could never light on the right till now. He told me also, that in a little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters. Where- fore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a familiar.
45. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling lying in the country, I happened to light into several people's company, who though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these Ranters. These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark ; pretending that they only had attained to perfection, that could do what they would and not sin. Oh ! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man and my nature in its prime ; but
36
NEW SIGHT FOR THE BIBLE
God, who had, as I hoped, designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of His name, and did not suffer me to accept such cursed principles. And blessed be God, Who put it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and answered. The
' . Bible precious
directed, still distrusting my own
wisdom; for I have since seen .even the effects of
that prayer, in His preserving me, not only from
Ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung
up since. The Bible was precious to me in those
days.
46. And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles of the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me ; and indeed I was then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation ; still crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.
47. And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, To one is given, by the Spirit, ^y understand- the 'word of wisdom; to another the ing of scripture word of knowledge by the same Spirit ; and to another faith, etc. i Cor. xii. And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture the Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this word
37
GRACE ABOUNDING
1 Faith ' put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I had any faith, or no ; but I was loath to conclude, I had no faith ; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall count myself a very cast-away indeed.
48. No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced
I am an ignorant that l am an ignorant sot, and that I sot want those blessed gifts of knowledge
and understanding that other people have ; yet at a venture I will conclude, I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is ; for it was shewn me, and that too (as I have seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls ; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.
49. Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a
while, made afraid to see my want of
faith 5 but God would not suffer me no, a trouble to thus to undo and destroy my soul, but
did continually, against this my sad and blind conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, insomuch that I could not rest content, until I did now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no, this always running in my mind, But Low if you want faith indeed? But how can you tell you have faith ? And besides, I saw for certain, if I had not, I was sure to perish for ever.
50. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business of Faith, yet in a little time, I
38
A SORE TEMPTATION
better considering the matter, was willing to put my- self upon the trial whether I had faith or no. But alas, poor wretch ! so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not to this day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw or considered.
5 1 . Wherefore while I was thus considering, and
being put to my plunge about it (for
The temptation you must know, that as yet I had in this hot upon me to
matter broken my mind to no man, work a miracle only did hear and consider), the tempter came in with this delusion, That there was no way for me to know I had faith, but by trying to work some miracle ; urging those scriptures that seem to look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation. Nay, one day, as I was between Elstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing some miracle ; which miracle at this time was this, I must say to the puddles that were in the horsepads, Be dry ; and to the dry places, Be you puddles : and truly one time I was going to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind; But go under yonder hedge and pray first, that God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again, and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I had no faith, but was a cast-away,
39
GRACE ABOUNDING
and lost ; nay, thought I, if it be so, I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer.
52. So I continued at a great loss ; for I thought,
if they only had faith, which could do
twixt theTdevii so wonderful things, then I concluded,
" that for tne Present J neither had it, nor yet for the time to come, were ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especi- ally at some times, that I could not tell what to do.
53. About this time, the state and happiness of Akind of avision tnese Poor people at Bedford was thus, presented to me jn a kind of a vision, presented to me, I saw as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds : methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about this mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass ; concluding, that if I could, I would even go into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.
54. About this wall I bethought myself, to go again
How I get and agam, still Prying as I went, to
through a wall see jf I could find some way or passage,
by which I might enter therein : but none could I find for some time : at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little door-way in the wall, through
40
A WONDERFUL VISION
which I attempted to pass : Now the passage being very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in • at last, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body ; then I was exceeding glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.
55. Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me : The mountain i get the vision signified the church of the living God : explained
the sun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were therein ; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separa- tion between the Christians and the world ; and the gap which was in the wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God the Father. John xiv. 6; Matt. vii. 14. But forasmuch as the pas- sage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world behind them ; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin.
56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days ; all which time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement
41
GRACE ABOUNDING
hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine : Now also I should pray wherever I was : whether at home or abroad ; in house or field ; and would also often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, 0 Lord, con- sider my distress ; for as yet I knew not where I was.
57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable
persuasion that I had faith in Christ :
My soul _ . _ • r •
assaulted with but instead or having satisfaction here, I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happi- ness ; especially with such as these, whether I was elected ? But how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone ?