Section 2

12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now with con- j twlce escape victions, but judgments ; yet such as being drowned were mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but, mercy yet preserved me alive : besides, another time, being in a field, with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway, so I having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back ; and having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out with my fingers ; by which act had not God been merciful unto me, I might by my desperateness, have brought myself to my end.
13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanks- giving : When I was a soldier, I, My experiences with others, were drawn out to go as a soldier
to such a place to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in my room : to which, when I had consented, he took my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot in the head with a musket-bullet and died.
21
GRACE ABOUNDING
14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did awaken my soul to right- eousness ; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own salvation.
15. Presently after this, I changed my condition My first into a married state, and my mercy marriage was^ to \\ght UpOn a wife whose
father was counted godly: This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might be (not having so much household stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt us both), yet this she had for her part : The Plain Man's Pathway to Heaven and The Practice of Piety ; which her father had left her when he died. In these two books I would sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me (but all this while I met with no conviction). She also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and among his neighbours ; what a strict and holy life he lived in his days, both in word and deed.
1 6. Wherefore these books, with this relation, I am influenced though they did not reach my heart, by good books to awaken it about my sad and sinful
^ state, yet they did beget within me some desires to religion : so that because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times ,•
22
BUNYAN AND HIS WIFE READ HER FATHER'S BOOKS In thtte books I would sometimes read with her
[See page 22
MY RELIGIOUS ERRORS
to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost ; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, as others did, yet retaining my wicked life ; but withal, I was so over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all things (both the high-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and .
what else) belonging to the church; religion of the counting all things holy that were therein contained, and especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then >( thought, of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.
17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit, that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched in his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear unto them (supposing them the ministers of God), I could have laid down at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them ; their name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me.
1 8. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought came in my Are we mind ; and that was, whether we Israelites? were of the Israelites or no ? For finding in the scripture that they were once the peculiar people of
GRACE ABOUNDING
God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs be happy. Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this question, but could not tell how I should : at last I asked my father of it ; who told me, No, we were not. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes of that, and so remained.
19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the A sermon moved Danger and evil of sin; I was kept me from considering that sin would damn me, what religion soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ : nay, I never thought of Him, or whether there was such a One, or no. Thus man, while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way to the city of God. Eccles. x. 15.
20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breaking that, either with labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, I was, not- withstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith) : where- fore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing. And at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can remember; but then I was, for the
24
BUNYAN HEARS A VOICE FROM HEAVEN Just as I was about to strike it the second time, a voice did
suddenly dart from heaven into my soul
[See page 25
MY SPORT INTERRUPTED
present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit.
21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights, and did imbitter x resistthe my former pleasures to me ; but hold, influence it lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course : but oh ! how glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I might sin again without control! Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of sports and gaming, I returned with great delight.
- — 22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, and having struck it Avoicetomeat one blow from the hole, just as I was Pla7 about to strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell ? At this I was put to an ex- ceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodly practices.
GRACE ABOUNDING
23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, I am convicted but> suddenly, this conclusion was of sin fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set my sins again before my face), That I had been a great and grievous sinner, and that It was now too late for me to look after heaven ; for CLrist would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell to musing on this also ; and while I was think- ing of it, and fearing lest it should be so ; I felt my
/ heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin : for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable ; miserable if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them; a can but be damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned ' for few./
24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before _ . . all that then were present : but yet I
I return desper- *
ateiytomysport told them nothing: but I say; hav- ing made this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again ; and I well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so .possess my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I should get in sin ; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not think ; wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste the sweetness of
26
FOLLOWING AFTER SIN
it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire ; for that I feared greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lye not, neither do I feign this form of speech ; these were really, strongly, and with all my heart, my desires : The good Lord, Whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions I
25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair, that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hope for them ; for they have loved sins, there-
fore after them they will go. Jer. ii. 25, and xviii. 12.
26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still grudging
that I could not be so satisfied with
it. as I would. This did continue me for my un-
. , , , godliness
with me about a month, or more ;
but one day, as I was standing at a neighbour's shop window, and there cursing and swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sate within, the woman of the house, and heard me ; who, though she also was a very loose
27
GRACE ABOUNDING
and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me ; and told me further, that I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing, that she ever heard in all her life; and that 1, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the youth in the whole town, if they came but in my company.
27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to
I am silenced by secret shame 5 and that too> as * the reproof thought, before the God of heaven ;
wherefore, while I stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn me to speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am so ac- customed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation ; for I thought it could never be.
28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did I leave off from this time forward, so leave my swearing swearing, that it was a great wonder to myselJ: to observe it ; and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have authority ; now I could, without it, speak better, and with more pleasantness than ever I could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and plays.
28
OUTWARD REFORMATION
9. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor man that made pro-
r r 1- • u T V A poor man
fession of religion ; who, as J. then talks pleasantly
thought, did talk pleasantly of the
scriptures, and of the matters of re- «*•*£ read &*
ligion; wherefore falling into some
love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my
Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading,
but especially with the historical part thereof; for
as for Paul's Epistles, and such like scriptures, I
could not away with them, being as yet ignorant,
either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the
want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me.
30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation
both in my words and life, and did
' I practise
set the commandments before me for outward
. i • t i reformation
my way to heaven ; which command- ments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort ; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my conscience ; but then I should repent, and say, I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and there get help again ; for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in England.
31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my
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GRACE ABOUNDING
life and manners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seen since, had I then died, my state had been most fearful.
32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at
this my great conversion, from pro- The neighbours . J r.
amazed at my digious proraneness, to something
like a moral life; and truly, so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of Bethlehem to become a sober man. Now therefore they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind my back. Now I was, as they said, become godly ; now I was become a right honest man. But oh ! when I understood these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me mighty well. For, though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men : and thus I continued for about a twelve-month, or more.
33. Now you must know, that, before this, I
My conscience had taken much deliSht in rinSin&
and bell-ringing DUt my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it ; yet my mind hankered ; wherefore I would go to the steeple- house, and look on, though I durst not ring: but
3°
BUNYAN AT THE STEEPLE
After thit I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go any farther than the steeple-door
[See page 31
HINDRANCES OVERCOME
I thought this did not become religion neither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, but quickly after, I began to think, how if one of the bells should fall ? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking here I might stand sure; but then I should think again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then, rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam ; this made me stand in the steeple-door ; and now, thought I, I am safe enough ; for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.
34. So after this I would yet go to see them
ring, but would not go any farther
I resolve to flee than the steeple-door; but then it
came into my head, how if the steeple itself should fall? And this thought (it may for aught I know) when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple- door any longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.
35. Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I could quite leave i &ive up that; but all this while, when I danciflg thought I kept this or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased