Section 16

not suffered me to be molested, but
I have often said, i j • i • i
were it lawful, I would with one scripture or another, g°reltePrr&youble strengthen me against all ; insomuch that I have often said, were it lawful, I could pray for greater trouble, for the greater comfort's sake. Eccl. vii. 14; 2 Cor. i. 5.
324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was For a year coming, and had especially two con-
before I was siderations warm upon my heart : the
imprisoned I , , , .
seldom prayed first was, how to be able to encounter asked for death, should that be here my portion.
patience por tjje £rst Qf these^ that scrjptlirej
Col. i. n, was great information to me, namely, to pray to God to be strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, unto all patience and long- suffering with joy fulness. I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned ; but for not so little as a year together, this sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself into my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through long- suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure it joyfully.
RESIGNING EARTHLY THINGS
325. As to the second consideration, that saying
(2 Cor. i. o) was of great use to
V-. ., fJ^i If I would suffer
me, But we had the sentence of death rightly I must
In ourselves, that we should not trust in ^nte^ceof death
ourselves, but in God, which raiseth the uP.on a11 earthly
things dead. By this scripture I was made to
see, That if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them.
326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul said in another place ; the way not to faint is, To look not on the things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen ; for the things that are seen are temporal, but the things that are not seen are eternal. And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares ; and so doth also the pillory : Again, if I only provide for these, then I am not fit for banishment. Further, if I conclude that banishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am surprised : so that I see, the best way to go through sufferings, is to trust in God through Christ, as touching the world to come ; and as touching this world, to count the grave my house, to make my bed in darkness ; to say to corruption, Thou art my father, and to the worm, Thou art my mother and sister : that is, to familiarize these things to me.
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GRACE ABOUNDING
327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found
myself a man and compassed with in- I found myself a r . . man compassed nrmities ; the parting with my wife
and poor children, hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the flesh from the bones, and that not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great mercies, but also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all besides : Oh ! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my poor blind one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.
328. Poor child ! thought I, what sorrow art thou
,. . . like to have for thy portion in this The thought my
poor blind child world ! Thou must be beaten, must wmiid ^reak my beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot now endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling myself, thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goeth to the quick to
leave you : Oh ! I saw in this condi- I was as a man J
who was pulling tion I was as a man who was pulling
down his house j 1*1 i_ i_ j r i_«
upon his wife and down his house upon the head of his children wife and children ; yet, thought I, I
must do it, I must do it : and now I thought on those two milch kine that were to carry the ark of God into
'74
BUNYAN PARTING WITH HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN
Because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships,
miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, should
I bt taken from them, especially my poor blind child
[See page 174
VENTURING ALL FOR GOD
another country, and to leave their calves behind them. i Sam. vi. 10-12.
329. But that which helped me in this tempta- tion, was divers considerations, of __.
T MI The Lord said
which, three in special here I will I will cause the name, the first was the consideration SeeweSinthe of these two scriptures, Leave thy time of evil' fatherless children, I will preserve them alive, and let thy widows trust in me: and again. The Lord said, Verily it shall be well with thy remnant, verily, I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the time of evil, and in time of affliction. Jer. xlix. n ;
XV. II.
330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments : but if I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my pro- fession, but should count also that my concernments were not so sure, if left at God's feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of the way of God. This was a smarting consideration, and as spurs unto my flesh. That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that God would dis- appoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell his Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6-8, etc.
M 175
GRACE ABOUNDING
331. I had also another consideration, and that
was. the dread of the torments of I had a dread of
the torments of hell, which I was sure they must par- take of that for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His words and laws before the sons of men : I thought also of the glory that He had prepared for those that in faith,
I thought also and love> and Patience, stood to His
of the glory of ways before them. These things, I
Christ prepared J
for those who say. have helped me, when the
ways before the thoughts of the misery that both sons of men myself and mine, might for the sake
of my profession be exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.
332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my profession, then I have thought of that scripture : They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword, they wandered about in sheep-skins, and goat- skins, being destitute, afflicted, tormented, of whom the world was not worthy ; for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them. I have also thought of that saying, the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every city, that bonds and afflictions abide me. I have verily thought that my soul and // have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities;
SATAN LAID HARD AT ME
and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most delicate reason- ings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.
333. I will tell you a pretty business : — I was once above all the rest, in a very sad j will tell you a and low condition for many weeks ; pretty business at which time also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, that my imprisonment might end at the gallows for ought that I could tell. Now there- fore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me : But how
. , , ,. I had this lying
if, when you come indeed to die, you much upon my should be in this condition ; that is, as
not to savour the things of God, nor might end at t^e
gallows to have any evidence upon your soul
for a better state hereafter ? (for indeed at that time all the things of God were hid from my soul).
334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great trouble to me ; for I thought with myself, that in
the condition I now was in. I was not face and totter-
ing knees fit to die, neither indeed did I think
I could, if I should be called to it ; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either
177
GRACE ABOUNDING
with quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness. This, there- fore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.
335- Wherefore I prayed to God that He would I prayed to God comfort me, and give me strength to for comfort and do and suffer me what He should call me to ; yet no comfort appeared, but all continued hid : I was also at this time, so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck ; only this was some encouragement to me ; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to see me die ; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.
3360 But yet all the things of God were kept
Thus was I out °^ my B'lS^i and stiM the tempter
tossed for many followed me with, But whitber must you go when you die ? what will be- come of you ? where will you be found in another world ? what evidence have you for heaven and glory, and an inheritance among them that are sanctified? Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration fell with
178
A FIXED RESOLUTION
weight upon me, that it was for the word and way of God that I was in this condition, wherefore 1 was engaged not to flinch an hair's breadth from it.
337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give me comfort
now, or at the hour of death ; but I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no ; I was bound, but He was free ; yea, 'twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon me or save me at the last : wherefore, thought I, save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no ; if God doth not come in, thought I, I will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity, sink or swim, come heaven, come hell, Lord Jesus, if Thou wilt catch me, do ; if not, 1 will venture for Thy name.
338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word dropped upon me, Doth Job l am resoived
serve God for nought ? As if the (God giving me
i, j -j T j 7-7 strength) never
accuser had said, Lord, Job is no todenymypro-
upright man, he serves Thee for bye- fession respects ; hast Thou not made an hedge about him, etc. But put forth now Thine hand, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse Thee to Thy face. How now ! thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is taken from him?
179
GRACE ABOUNDING
Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than give out ! Blessed be God ! then I hope I have an upright heart, for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains : and as I was thus considering, that scripture was set before me : Psalm xliv. 12, etc.
339. Now was my heart full of comfort'; for I My heart filled hoped it was sincere: I would not with comfort have been without this trial for much ; I am comforted every time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, for the teaching I have had by it. Many more of the dealings towards me I might relate, But these out of the spoils won in battle I have dedicated to maintain the house of God. i Chron. xxvi. 27.
THE CONCLUSION
i. OF all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to be borne ; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me : Oh ! I have often thought of that word, Have your loins girt about with truth; and of that, When the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do ?
1 80
CONCLUDING REFLECTIONS
2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore chastisement from SometimeS|
the hand of God, the very next that ™hen I have
been comforted,
I have had from Him, hath been the I have called , . r T T o • myself a fool for
discovery of His grace, sometimes, sinking under
when I have been comforted, I have trouble called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble. And then again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise, to give such way to comfort ; with such strength and weight have both these been upon me.
3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have found again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, with which I have been refreshed.
4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the
Bible, than I could well tell how to
. . .1 have seen more
stand under; and yet at another in a line of the
time, the whole Bible hath been to SSdSSitdi me as dry as a stick ; or rather, my |^rto stand heart hath been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the least dram of refreshment, though I have looked it all over.
5. Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ:
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GRACE ABOUNDING
Oh ! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms, before God : I hope I know something of these things.
6. I find to this day seven abominations in my
heart: I. Inclining to unbelief; 2. I find seven _ ,
abominations in ouddenly to forget the love and
mercy that Christ manifesteth ; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. Wanderings and coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for ; 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have ; 7. I can do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves. When I would do good, evil is present with me.
7. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good ; i . They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my heart ; 3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness ; 4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus ; 5. They press me to pray unto God ; 6. They show me the need I have to watch and be sober; 7. And provoke me to pray unto God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me through this world-