Section 15

296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart : and
though I dare not say, I have not pride and lift-
6 • /' ings up of heart
been affected with this, yet truly the
Lord of His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing : for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments ; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of God to me.
161
GRACE ABOUNDING
297. I have also had, together with this, some Some notable notable place or other of the word
word has come presented before me, which word hath
to me with some . . '
piercing; sentence contained in it some sharp and piercing
concerning the . , . , . ~
perishing of the sentence concerning the perishing of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts : as, for instance, that hath been of great use to me : Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels ', and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, and a tinkling cymbal, i Cor. xiii. i, 2.
298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing ; and yet behold the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of him that plays there- with ; so then the instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though in times past such music hath been made upon it.
299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have gifts, but want saving grace ; they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the hand of David : and as David could with the cymbal make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His people in His church ; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, as lifeless, though sounding cymbals.
162
GRACE BETTERTH AN KNOWLEDGE
300. This consideration therefore, together with some others, were for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain-glory. What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sound- ing brass ? Is it so much to be a fiddle ? hath not the least creature that hath life, more of God in it than these? Besides, I knew 'twas A little grace, a
lace should never die. but these must little love, a little
of the true fear cease and vanish : so I concluded, a of God is better
little grace, a]^e^TelJ_Httje_d[ the than *" glfts true fear of God, is better than all the gifts i yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it impossible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method ; I say, it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.
301. Thus therefore I came to perceive, that though gifts in themselves were good, Gifts in them. to the thing for which they are ^J£|mpty
designed, to wit, the edification of without the
, • - • i power to save a
others ; yet empty, and without power soul if they be
to save the soul of him that hath alone them, if they be alone : neither are they, as so, any sign of a man's state to be happy, being only a dis- pensation of God to some, of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little love more
GRACE ABOUNDING
is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.
302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all which were easily blown up at the applause and commenda- tion of every unadvised Christian, to the endanger- ing of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of the devil.
303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall short of the grace of God.
304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the churches ; and that by them he is made a servant to the church ; and he must also give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.
305. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. It doth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory ; and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace ; for that is a certain forerunner of glory.
SLANDERS AND REPROACHES
306. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of me, would Satai^ stifs up not answer his design; to wit, to the minds of the
. . . , , ignorant and
overthrow the ministry, and make it malicious to load ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: mewith slanders then he tried another way, which was, to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and reproaches : now therefore I may say, that what the devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they should make my ministry to be abandoned.
307. It began therefore to be
rumoured up and down among the 4it3f, aTjesuit, people, that I was a witch, a Tesuit, a and a highway-
man
highwayman, and the like.
308. To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent. But as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for all these things (with all the rest of their iniquities) unless God shall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with all my heart.
309. But that which was reported with the
boldest confidence, was, that I had my
, ' , J It was reported
misses, my whores, my bastards ; yea, that I had two
two wives at once, and the like. Now wives at once these slanders (with the others) I glory in, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods
GRACE ABOUNDING
cast upon me by the devil and his seed ; and, should I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of God. Blessed are ye (said the Lord Jesus) when men shall re- vile you and perse cute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for My sake ; rejoice and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. Matt. iv. 11.
310. These things therefore, upon mine own
account, trouble me not; no, though ^ey were twenty times more than
I have a good they ar-e conscience / D
and whereas they speak evil of me,
as an evil-doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation m Christ.
311. So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered me ? Shall I threaten them ? Shall I chide them ? Shall I flatter them ? Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues ? No, not I. Were it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and abettors, I would say unto them, Report it, because 'twill increase my glory.
312. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to
me as an ornament ; it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified,
™e as an oraa- slandered, reproached and reviled ; and since all this is nothing else, as
my God and my conscience do bear me witness, I
rejoice in reproaches for Christ's sake.
166
MY FOES MISS THEIR MARK
313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of me ; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the like. When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them ; and speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me ? No, not I : I will in this beg belief of no man; believe or disbelieve me in this, all is a-case to me.
314. My foes have missed their mark in this their shooting at me : I am not the My foes h^ve man : I wish that they themselves be missed their
... -rr 11 i r • i mark m this
guiltless, if all the rormcators and their shooting at adulterers in England were hanged up by the neck till they be dead, John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would be still alive and well. I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by their apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife.
315. And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of women from God ma(je me my first conversion until now. Those shy of women know, and can also bear me witness, with whom I
GRACE ABOUNDING
have been most intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman : the common salutation of women I abhor ; 'tis odious to me in whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, I cannot away with ; I seldom so much as touch a woman's hand ; for I think these things are not so becoming me. When I have seen good men salute those women that they have visited, or that have visited them, I have at times made my objection against it ; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told them, it is not a comely sight. Some indeed have urged the holy kiss ; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they did salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go ? Thus, how laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they have been unseemly in my sight.
316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I
calling not only men, but angels, to God has been ' ' .
merciful to me, prove me guilty or having carnally to and has kept me j • , -r
do with any woman save my wife :
nor am I afraid to do it a second time ; knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent. Not that I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, more than any other; but God has been merciful to me, and has kept me ; to whom I pray that He will keep me still, not only
168
A LONG IMPRISONMENT
from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom. Amen.
317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me vile among my countrymen ; that, if possible, my preaching might be made of none effect ; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious imprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my service for Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach ; of which I shall in the next place give you a brief account.
A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'?
IMPRISONMENT
318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long time, and
preached the same about five years, I beeauseT"^
was apprehended at a meeting of good sureties would
vv. . not be bound
people in the country (among whom, that I should
had they let me alone, I should have
preached that day, but they took me
away from amongst them), and had me before a
justice; who, after I had offered security for my
appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me,
because my sureties would not consent to be bound
that I should preach no more to the people.
319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and maintainer of unlawful assemblies and
169
GRACE ABOUNDING
conventicles, and for not conforming to the national worship of the church of England • and after some
conference there with the justices, I was sent to , ,. , . , v .,
prison, where I they taking my plain dealing with
them for a confession, as they termed it, of the indictment, did sentence me to a perpetual banishment, because I refused to conform. So being again delivered up to the jailer's hands, I was had home to prison, and there have lain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer these men to do with me.
320. In which condition I have continued with
much content, through grace, but I have received , . ', D .
much conviction, have met with many turnings and
my heart> both from
the Lord, Satan, and my own corrup- tions ; by all which (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have also received among many things, much con- viction, instruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not here discourse ; only give you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the godly to bless God, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement, should the case be their own — not to fear what man can do unto them.
321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of God as now : those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are made in this place and state to shine upon me ; Jesus Christ also was never more real and apparent than now ; here
170
SCRIPTURE CONSOLATIONS
I have seen and felt Him indeed : Oh ! that
word, We have not preached unto you
• / j • j f 7 j -d i * I have seen and
cunningly devised jables, 2 ret. felt that Jesus
i. 1 6, and that, God raised Christ ne^efi^rereal from the dead, and gave Him glory, and apparent that our faith and hope might be in God, i Pet. i. 2t, were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition.
322. These three or four scriptures also have
been great refreshments in this con-
j . . T i T t I have been able
dition to me: John xiv. 1-4; John to* laugh at
xvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb. xii.
22-24. So that sometimes when I the horse nor his have been in the savour of them, I have been able to laugh at destruction, and to fear neither the horse nor his rider. I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, and of my being with Jesus in another world : Oh / the mount Sion, the heavenly Jerusalem, the innumerable company of angels, and God the Judge of all, and the spirits of just men made perfect, and Jesus, have been sweet unto me in this place : I have seen that here, that I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to express : I have seen a truth in this scripture, Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now you see Him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable, and full of glory, i Pet. i. 8.
323. I never knew what it was for God to stand 171
GRACE ABOUNDING
by me at all turns, and at every ofler of Satan to
God has stood afflkt me' etC' 3S l llaVe f°Und Him by me at all since I came in hither : for look how
fears have presented themselves, so have supports and encouragements ; yea, when I have started, even as it were, at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath