Section 14

271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints
When the ^e most unwortny > 7et I> but with
country under- prreat fear and trembling at the sight
stood they came 6r 5.. ,
to hear by of my own weakness, did set upon
the work, and did according to my gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showed me in the holy word of truth : which when the country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts.
272. And I thank God, He gave unto me some I had not measure of bowels and pity for their
preached long souls, which also did put me forward
before some be- ' . ....
gantobe to labour, with great diligence and
earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken
GOD OWNS ME IN HIS WORK
the conscience ; in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant ; for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched, and be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.
273. But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man, j could not be_
still counting myself unworthy; yet lieve that God
. ° J in would speak by
those Who thus were touched, would me to the heart
love me, and have a particular respect of anyman for me ; and though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still they would confess it, and affirm it before the saints of God: they would also bless God for me (unworthy wretch that I am !) and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.
274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words
and deeds to be so constant, and also in . .
I began to con-
their hearts so earnestly pressing after elude it might be the knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoic- ing that ever God did send me where they were ; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned in His work such a foolish one as I ; and then came that word of God to my heart, with much sweet refreshment, The blessing of him that was ready to perish, is come upon me ; and 1 caused the widow's heart to sing for joy. Job xxix. 13.
275. At this therefore I rejoiced ; yea, the tears
GRACE ABOUNDING
of those whom God did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and encouragement to me: for I thought on those sayings, Who is He then that maketh me glad, but the same which is made sorry by me ? 2 Cor. ii. 2. And again, If I be not an Apostle to others, yet doubtless, I am unto you : for the seal of mine apostleship are ye in the Lord, i Cor. ix. 2. These things, therefore, were as another argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stood by me in this work.
276. In my preaching of the word, I took special I preached what notice of this one thing, namely, that
the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins with sinners ; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege, that the curse of God by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as they come into the world, because of sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense ; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for my transgres- sions, lay heavy on my conscience : I preached what i felt, what I smartingly did feel ; even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.
277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them
from the dead : I went myself in I have been as . . . , .
one sent from the chains, to preach to them in chains;
and carried that fire in my own con- science, that I persuaded them to be aware of. I can truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I have gone full of
MY EXPERIENCE AS PREACHER
guilt and terror, even to the pulpit door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work ; and then immediately, even before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before ; yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work.
278. Thus I went on for the space of two vears,
crying out against men's sins, and _ J . 6 . _ , 6 For two years I
their fearful state because or them, cried out against After which, the Lord came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and comfort through Christ ; for He did give me many sweet dis- coveries of His blessed grace through Him ; where- fore now I altered in my preaching (for j altered in my still I preached what I saw and felt) ; preaching now therefore I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the world ; and did strive also to discover, to con- demn, and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish, On these things also I staid as long as on the other.
279. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the union of Christ ;
wherefore that I discovered and
showed to them also. And, when I union with
had travelled through these three
chief points of the word of God, about the space of
GRACE ABOUNDING
five years or more, I was caught in my present
practice, and cast into prison, where I was caught ' .
and cast into I have lam above as long again to
confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures, in a way of preaching.
280. When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath often all the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness cried to God that He would make the word effectual to the salva- tion of the soul • still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful : wherefore I should labour to speak the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and person guilty might be par- ticularized by it.
281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places ; still wishing from my heart, Oh ! that they who have heard me speak this day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is ; and also what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him. And indeed, I did often say in my heart before the Lord, That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes, would be a means to awaken them, and confirm them in the truth, I gladly should be contented.
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CONTROVERSY AVOIDED
282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without
works, as if an angel of God had my back to en-
courage me stood by at my back to encourage
me : Oh ! it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been labour- ing to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the conscience of others ; that I could not be con- tented with saying, I believe, and am sure ; methought
I was more than sure (if it be lawful to express myself) that those things which then I asserted, were true.
283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and priests of the
country did open wide against me.
But I was persuaded of this, not to wide against
render railing for railing ; but to see
how many of their carnal professors I could con-
vince of their miserable state by the law, and of
the want and worth of Christ : for, thought I,
This shall answer for me in time to come, when
they shall be for my hire before their face. Gen.
xxx. 33.
284. I never cared to meddle with things that
were controverted, and in dispute
I meddled not
among the saints, especially things of with things
II i controverted the lowest nature ; yet it pleased me
much to contend with great earnestness for the
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GRACE ABOUNDING
word of faith, and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus : but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they en- gendered strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to God to be His : besides, I saw my work before me did run into another channel, even to carry an awakening word ; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.
285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use
XV- l8
Idurstnotmake
use of other (though I condemn not all that do),
for I verily thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the word and spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and be-st estab- lished conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I know in this matter, yet my ex- perience hath more interest in that text of scrip- ture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.
286. If any of those who were awakened by my I counted myself ministry, did after that fall back (as S^dStiSr1 sometimes too many did), I can truly salvation of say, their loss hath been more to me,
souls, than -r r -L-I i
being made than ir one or my own children, be-
Ch?fsrtiLi°fthe g°tten of m7 own bod7> had been world gomg to its grave: I think verily,
I may speak it without any offence to the Lord,
UNEXPECTED RESULTS
nothing has gone so near me as that ; unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children were born ; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that I counted myself- more blessed and honoured of God by this, than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of all the glory of the earth without it ! Oh these words ! He which converteth the sinner from the error of his way, shall save a soul from death. James v. 20. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise. Prov. xi. 30. They that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and they that turn many to righteousness, as the stars for ever and ever. Dan. xii. 3. For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing ? Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming ? For ye are our glory and joy. i Thes. ii. 19, 20. These, I say, with many others of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.
287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my t^0huegnh{ *%* no
spirit, to desire I might preach there : g?°d» ^i60* ,? id
the most of all
1 have also observed, that such and such souls in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to wish for their
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GRACE ABOUNDING
salvation ; and that these very souls have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I have observed, that a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of all; and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I have fished for nothing.
288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the mouths of his servants : yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word : I could instance particulars, but I forbear.
289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry
My desire in my WaS tO S6t int° the darkeSt PlaC6S ministry was to of the country, even amongst those get in the dark t , /» i rr r
places of the people that were farthest oft of pro- country fession ; yet not because I could not endure the light (for I feared not to show my
gospel to any) but because I found leanlnost after m7 spirit did lean most after awaken- cc^vertinf^k inS and converting work, and the
word that I carried did lean itself most that way also ; Yea, so have I striked to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should build upon another mads foundation. Rom. xv. 20.
158
THAT WHICH DELIGHTED ME
290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were, travailed to
' In my preaching
bring forth children to God ; neither I have really
could I be satisfied unless some fruits brhfgforSi11 did appear in my work. If I were 'hUdrentoGod fruitless, it mattered not who commended me : but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that: Lo ! children are an heritage of the Lord ; and the fruit of the womb is His reward. — As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them : they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate. Psalm cxxvii. 3-5.
291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation, sound con- viction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul : that it was that delighted me ; those were the souls I counted blessed.
292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending me, and that of divers kinds ; as sometimes I should be assaulted with great dis- couragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak a word at all to edification ; nay, that I should not be able to speak sense unto the people ; at which times I should have such a strange faint-
GRACE ABOUNDING
ness and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.
293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching,
I have been violently assaulted with When preaching J
I have been thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly
tempted to speak the words with my Was1ihemyf mouth before the congregation. I
have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and have been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have been about ; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my exercise.
294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about When about to to Preach upon some smart and search-
hafsu S ested '1U% Port^on °f tne word, I nave found
• What! will* the tempter suggest, What ! will you Thl^condemns ' preach this ! This condemns yourself; yourself of this your own soul is guilty ; where-
fore preach not of it at all ; or if you do, yet so mince it, as to make way for your own escape ; lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, that you will never get from under.
160
THE EVIL OF MY OWN HEART
295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as r^thS*han deal
Sampson, bowed myself with all my might, to condemn sin and trans- gression, wherever I found it ; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience : Let me die (thought I), with the Philistines, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of God. Thou that teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be God for His help also in this.