Section 13

251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise. I have seen as if the Lord
I thought of
would refuse my soul for ever ; I was Benhadad's r «r T i i 1-1 servants
often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law. Esther iv. 1 6. I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy, i Kings xx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv. 2 2, etc., and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5-8, etc., were great encouragements unto me.
J39
GRACE ABOUNDING
252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation ; great sins to draw out great grace ; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had twice as much as he had before. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them ; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.
I had two or three times, at or about my de- liverance from this temptation, such LrangSeUappre- strange apprehensions of the grace
tensions of the of God, that I could hardly bear up grace of God .' . }
under it : it was so out of measure
amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.
253. Now I shall go forward to give you a rela-
The Lord's t*on °^ otner °^ tne Lord's dealings
dealings with with me at sundry other seasons, and
me when first in r , . T , , . ,
fellowship at or the temptations I then did meet
Bedford withal. I shall begin with what I
met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in Bedford. After I had propounded
140
LORD'S SUPPER EXPERIENCES
to the church, that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His death, that scripture, Do this in remembrance of Me, Luke xxii. 1 9, was made a very precious word unto me ; for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies : and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth to mouth. The
reason of this temptation, I have from blas-
phemies thought since, was, because I did not
with that reverence that became me at first, approach to partake thereof.
254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor At the last the ease: but at the last the Lord came Lord came to me in upon my soul with that same scripture, by which
141
GRACE ABOUNDING
my soul was visited before : and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance ; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord's body, as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions.
255. Upon a time I was something inclining to I was inclining a consumption, where with about the to a consumption Sprmg i was suddenly and violently
seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come : for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.
256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions ; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction ; namely, my deadness, dulness, and cold- ness in holy duties ; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at the end of all, Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these tokens of a blessed man ?
142
BETWEEN TWO CONSIDERATIONS
257. At the apprehensions of these things my
sickness was doubled upon me ; for
T • i • • i My former ex-
now I was sick m my inward man, perience of God's
my soul was clogged with guilt;
now also was my former experience
of God's goodness to me, quite taken out of my
mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen :
now was my soul greatly pinched between these two
considerations, Live I must not. die I
1 . ' . Now was my
dare not. Now I sunk and fell in soul greatly
my spirit, and was giving up all for pm lost ; but as I was walking up and down in the house, as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, Te are justified freely by His grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me !
258. Now was I as one awaked out of some
troublesome sleep and dream ; and
... I'll T 1 was greatly
listening to this heavenly sentence, I lightened in my
was as if I had heard it thus ex- pounded to me : Sinner, thou thinkest, that because of thy sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul ; but behold My Son is by Me, and upon Him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with thee according as I am pleased with Him. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any time ; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done. K 143
GRACE ABOUNDING
259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture
also came with great power upon my £ve7ydandh ™* spirit, Not by works of righteousness beautiful in my tj}at w£ Jjave Jone>> ^ accord'mg to
His mercy He hath saved us, etc. 2 Tim. i. 9 ; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy ; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, Let me die: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw We shall never live indeed, till we be gone to the other world. Oh ! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, Heirs of God, Rom. viii. 1 7, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world : Heirs of God ! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.
260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and The tempter be- weak, all that time also the tempter sets me again d|d beget me strongly (for I find he
is much for assaulting the soul ; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of God's goodness : also setting before me the terrors
of death, and the judgment of God, I was as one i • •
dead before insomuch that at this time, through
my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death
144
A GREAT CLOUD OF DARKNESS
came, and was as if I had felt myself already descend- ing into the pit ; methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel's carrying Lazarus into Abraham's bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God ; which when I had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my
mind. 0 death, where is thy sting ? 0
. .' . ' A0 I became both
grave, where is thy victory? \ Cor. well in body and
xv. 55. At this I became both well •***«"M in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.
261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life : I was also so overrun in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ ; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the other afflic- tion the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.
145
GRACE ABOUNDING
262. After I had been in this condition some
three or four days, as I was sitting by ZeeveSrfuchliS the fire, I suddenly felt this word to
scripture, I must sound in my heart, 1 must go to Jesus. go to Jesus?' J r
At this my former darkness and
atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, / must go to Jesus ? She said, she could not tell ; therefore I sat musing still, to see if I could remember such a place : I had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, And to an innumerable company of angels ; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount Sion, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 22-24.
263. Then with joy I told my wife, 0! now I
know, I know ! But that night was a
right* never good nignt to me> I never had but few
better* **™ better ; I longed for the company of some of God's people, that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night ; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and
triumph, through Christ. This great The scriptures
blessed to me glory did not continue upon me until for many days morning? yet the twelfth of the
Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.
146
CONCERNING MY PREACHING
264. The words are these : Te are come to mount Sion, and unto the city of the living The Lord
God. the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an showed me
' wonderful glory
innumerable company of angels, to the in every one of
general assembly and church of the first-born, which are written in heaven; and to God the Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel. Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that ; and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me.
A brief Account of the Author's Call to the Work of the Ministry
265. AND now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust in a word
. -i • i God's dealincr
or two concerning my preaching the with me whiTst word, and of God's dealing with me in that particular also. For after I had been about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him ; some of the most able among the saints with us, I say, the most able for judgment
GRACE ABOUNDING
and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of His will
b HiS ^ty and bleSSed W0rd> and
had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw to others, for edification ; therefore they desired me, and that with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at some- times to take in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto them.
266. The which, though at the first it did much
At first it did dask and abas^ mv sp'ir'^i 7et being still much dash and by them desired and entreated, I con- sented to their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in private), though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them ; at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted ; and gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.
267. After this, sometimes, when some of them
did go into the country to teach, they would also that I should go with
them; where> thoush as yet> l did
not, nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst the good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them
148
THE HOLY GHOST AND PREACHING
also ; the which they, as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me- ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.
268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still
desired by the church, after some
i i T i • i I was more par-
solemn prayer to the Lord, with ticularly called
fasting, I was more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that believed, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of vain-glory ; for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil, concerning my eternal state.
269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of my gift, unto l could not bQ
which also I was greatly animated, content unless I . _ ' was found in the
not only by the continual desires of exercise of my
the godly, but also by that saying of s t Paul to the Corinthians : 7 beseech you, brethren (ye know the household of Stephanas, that It Is the first fruits of Achaia, and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints) that ye submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and laboureth. i Cor. xvi. 15, 16.
270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended that men who have gifts and
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GRACE ABOUNDING
abilities, should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do. They have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints. This scripture, in these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God ; I have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in the word, and other ancient histories : Acts viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc. ; I Pet. iv. 10; Rom. xii. 6; Fox's Acts and Mon.