Section 11

fears again were strong upon me ;
My fears again
and, as I was now thinking, my soul were strong was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me ; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, three times together : And oh ! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me ; as My, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee • they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.
207. At which time my understanding was so
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GRACE ABOUNDING
enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the
My understand- Lord Jesus look down from heaven,
ing enlightened through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning home ; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust ; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort ; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope : but as soon as that My soul did powerful operation of it was taken
hang as in a pair from my heart, that other, about of scales, some- J '
times up, and Esau, returned upon me as before :
:s down SQ my SQUJ ^ fang as in a pair of
scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down ; now in peace, and anon again in terror.
208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented ; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. , Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me ; I would also think thus with myself: Why, how many scriptures are there against me ? There are but three or four ; And cannot God miss them, and save me for all them ? Sometimes again I would think, Oh ! if it were not for these three or four words, now how might I be comforted / And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.
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THE CITY OF REFUGE
209. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul, and John, and all j thought Peter the writers, did look with scorn upon *nd Paul and
. , . IT John did look
me, and hold me in denson ; and as if with scorn upon they had said unto me, All our words are truth, one of as much force as another : it is not we that have cut you off, but you have cast away yourself. There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon, but these and such as these ; It is im- possible, Heb. vi. ; there remains no more sacrifice for sin, Heb. x. And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God, than after they had known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21. For the Scriptures cannot be broken. John x. 35.
210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be judges both of
my case and me, while I stood with tIecSyofre°fuge
the avenger of blood at my heels, were to be my
•_»• i- • r i i- judges,
trembling at their gate for deliverance ;
also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for ever. Joshua xx.
3,4-
211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be satisfied in j quaked at the this question, Whether the scriptures apostles could agree in the salvation of my soul ? I quaked at the apostles ; I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.
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GRACE ABOUNDING
212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that frames of spirit thege frames were according to the
nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind ; if this of grace, then was I quiet ; but of that of Esau, then tormented. Lord, thought I, if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once, I wonder which of them would get the better of me. So me- thought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me ; yea, I desired of God they might.
213. Well, about two or three days after, so they
did indeed ; they bolted both upon
Esau's birth- .' '
right began to me at a time, and did work and
WcLX WG3.k • /•*
struggle strangely in me for a while ; at last that about Esau's birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish ; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, Mercy rejoiceth against judgment. James ii. 13.
214. This was a wonderment to me ; yet truly,
I am apt to think it was of God : for This was a r a
wonderment to the word of the law and wrath, must
give place to the word of life and grace ; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii. 8-n. Mark ix. 5-7. John vi. 37. Also that Moses and Ellas
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HIM THAT COMES, HIM, ANY HIM
must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.
215. This scripture also did now most sweetly
visit my soul ; And him that cometh
, , 7 . . ' . Oh I the comfort
to Me, I will in no wise cast out. Oh ! I had from ' in
the comfort that I had from this word, in no wise! As who should say, By no means, for nothing whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, That Christ did not mean me and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had not done as I had done. But I would answer him again, Satan, here is in these words no such exception ; but him that co?nes, him, any him: him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out. And this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, But do you come aright ? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was ; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ ; he at one end, and j£gjflcd' and I at the other : Oh ! what work did we make ! It was for this in John, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled ; but
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GRACE ABOUNDING
God be praised, I got the better of him ; I got some sweetness from it.
216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and Wherefore I blessed words of grace, yet that of went another Esaifs selling of his birthright, would
way to work .n . ,. • • .
still at times distress my conscience : for though I had been most- sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, 'twould make me fear again : I could not be quite rid thereof, 'twould every day be with me : wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein : so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this ; That 1 had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would be my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go, if He will. Then that scripture gave me hope, / will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Heb. xiii. 5. 0 Lord, said I, but I have left Thee. Then it answered again, But I will not leave thee. For this I thanked God also.
217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and
found it exceeding hard to trust Him, I found it ex- &
ceeding- hard to seeing I had so offended Him : I could
have been exceeding glad that this
thought had never befallen ; for then I thought I
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I HAD SO OFFENDED HIM
could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with Joseph's brethren ; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. 1. 15, 1 6, etc.
218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in Joshua xx. was the
I was convinced
greatest comfort to me, which speaks that I was a of the slayer that was to flee for refuge : And If the avenger of blood pursue the slayer, then saith Moses, they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands, because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime. Oh! blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer ; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror ; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge : so I found, that he must not, who lay In wait to shed blood : It was not the wilful murderer, but he who unwittingly did it, he who did it unawares ; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did not hate his neighbour before. Wherefore,
219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my
/ I thought venly
neighbour unwittingly, ana hated Him 1 was the man not aforetime. I hated Him not afore- time ; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning
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GRACE ABOUNDING
against Him ; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth : wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver me up. This there- fore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.
220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had
made me that I knew not what ground ground wassure was sure enough to bear me, I had enough to bear one question that my soul did much
desire to be resolved about ; and that was, Whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin, yet after that to receive, though but the least, true spiritual comfort from God through Christ ? The which after I had much considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not ; and that for these reasons : —
221. First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ ; and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort ; For to such there remains no more sacrifice
for sin. Heb. x. 26, 27. Secondly, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life : // shall never be forgiven him neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matt. xii. 32. Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His blessed
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THEIR VISAGE CHANGED
intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. Mark viii.
2,22. When I had with much deliberation con- sidered of this matter, and could not
I had been so
but conclude that the Lord had com- greatly forted me, and that too after this my wicked sin : then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear wishing l bg an ^c
them OUt of the Bible), for I thought some measure of
they would destroy me ; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encourage- ment, to come close to them to read them, and con- sider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.
223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for they looked not l cametrembling so grimly, as before I thought they to the sixth of did : and first I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it should strike me ; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended, was a falling quite away; that is as I conceived, a falling from, and absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses i, 2, 3, 4. Secondly, I
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GRACE ABOUNDING
found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as to put Christ to an open shame. Thirdly, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in
blindness, hardness, and impenitency : I found my sin Tj . • •;/ j7 / / » / ,
was not the sin » *s impossible they should be renewed
intended*06 aSain unto repentance. By all these
particulars, I found to God's ever- lasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.
First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away ; that is, from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.
Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my sin, but not to open shame ; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world.
Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, I found' it hard or denied me to come (though I found work to come jt narcj Work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow and repentance : blessed be God for unsearchable grace!
224. Then I considered that in the loth chapter
of the Hebrews, and found that the The Lord knows
my sin was wilful sin tnere mentioned, is not
every wilful sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too. Secondly, That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, verse
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'LIKE A SPEAR AGAINST ME'
28. Thirdly, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace ; despising both the dissuasions from that sin, and the persua- sions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.
225. And as touching that in the I2th of the Hebrews, about Esau's selling of his birthright ; though this was that which killed me, and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, First, that his was not a hasty thought against the con- tinual labour of his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. Secondly, It was a public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many more ; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. Thirdly, He continued to slight his birthright : He did eat and drink, and went his way : thus Esau despised his birthright, yea, twenty years after he was found to despise it still. And Esau said, / have enough, my brother, keep that thou hast unto thyself. Gen. xxxiii. 9.
226. Now as touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance ; thus I thought :
First, This was not for the birth- right, but the blessing: this is clear from the apostle, and is dis- tinguished by Esau himself; He took away my birthright (that is, formerly) ; and behold now he i 127
GRACE ABOUNDING
hath taken away my blessing. Gen. xxvii. 36. Secondly, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament style and sense concerning Esau's sin ; and so far as I could con- ceive, this was the mind of God, that the birthright signified regeneration, and the blessing, the eternal inheritance ; for so the apostle seems to hint. Lest there be any profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright; as if he should say, That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in order to a new- birth ; lest they become as Esau, even be rejected afterwards, when they would inherit the blessing.