Section 10

1 06
FOR A TIME OUT OF DOUBT
over I was ! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was gone and lost.
1 8 8. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a heaM, e
wretch ! I had no sooner said it, but if not unto
death' this returned upon me, as an echo
doth answer a voice : This sin is not unto death. At which I was, as if I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, Lord, how couldst Thou find out such a word as this ! For I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpected- ness of the sentence • the fitness of the word, the Tightness of the timing of it ; the power, and sweet- ness, and light, and glory that came with it also, were marvellous to me to find : I was now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before ; my fears before were, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if this sin is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I have encourage- ment to come to God by Christ for mercy, to con- sider the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms
to receive me as well as others. This agreat easement
therefore was a great easement to
my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it
107
GRACE ABOUNDING
was not the sin unto death (i John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration : it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm : I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of they.
189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was
not unpardonable, but that there might
Satan did now i r c i_ • r •
lay about him be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness.
But °h ' h°W Satan did now Ia7 about him for to bring me down again!
But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back : yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair ; nor could my faith now long retain this word.
190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries : 0 Lord, I beseech Thee, show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love. Jer. xxxi. j. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or sounding
108
I WENT TO BED IN QUIET
again, / have loved thee with an everlasting love. Now I went to bed in quiet ; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul ; and I believed it.
191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred
Oh, the combats
times, that he that day did labour to that I did then break my peace. Oh!. the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with ; as I strove to hold by this word, that of Esau would fly in my face like lightning : I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour ; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word ; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon : for thus it was made out unto me, / loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin, I loved thcc before, I love thee still, and I will love thee for ever.
1 92. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and
My sin a bar- that with great shame and astonish- barous and filthy
ment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God : wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn to- wards Him ; for I saw He was still my friend,
and did reward me good for evil ;
, ^ °. I had a hot de-
yea, the love and affection that then sire of revenge- did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a
109
t GRACE ABOUNDING
strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.
193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, If Thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, 0 Lord, who should stand ? But there is forgiveness with Thee, that Thou mayest be feared. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof ; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared ; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, That the great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures, that rather than He would go without their love, He would pardon their transgressions.
194. And now was that word fulfilled on me,
and I was also refreshed by it; My soul at this _,, , , / /
time set at That thou mayest remember ana be
er y confounded, and never open thy mouth
any more, because of thy shame, when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the Lord God. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at
no
WORDS ON WHICH I LEANED
liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.
195. But before many weeks were gone, I be- gan to despond again, fearing, lest, j began t? des. notwithstanding all that I had en- pond again joyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise of life, yet unless there could be found in my refreshment, a con- currence and agreement in the scriptures, let me think what I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, I should find no such thing at the end ; And the scripture cannot be broken. John x. 35.
196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappoint- j examine my ment at last. Wherefore I began former comfort with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faith- fulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. For it is impossible for those who were once en- lightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. Heb. vi. 4-6. For, if we sin wilfully, after
H III
GRACE ABOUNDING
we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remains no more sacrifice for sin, but a certain fearful looking for of judgment, and Jiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. Heb. x. 26, 27. As Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected^ for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it care- fully with tears. Heb. xii. 16, 17.
197. Now was the word of the gospel forced
from my soul ; so that no promise or I have neither , - , .
foot-hold or hand- encouragement was to be found in
the Bible for me : and now would
props of that saying work upon my spirit to
scnpture »* •
afflict me, Rejoice not, 0 Israel, for
joy, as other people. Hos. ix. i. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus ; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.
198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a erulph, as an house whose
I had no peace r » • • j j T j-j 1-1
for two years foundation is destroyed ; I did liken
myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die
'MANY DAYS' ARE NOT FOR EVER
in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This for many days. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so ; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were com-
11 f • TTTI r * feafed this
pletely finished. Wherefore these condition would words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.
199. For, thought I, many days are not for ever, many days will have an end ; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but many days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes ; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.
200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that «Iwillpray.
saying, in Luke xviii. i, with others, "Tistonoboot,*
said Satan. Yet did encourage me to prayer: then said i, «i will
the tempter laid again at me very pray sore, suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of Christ, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin ; therefore It was but
"3
GRACE ABOUNDING
in vain to pray. Yet, thought I, / will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin is unpardonable. Well, said I, I will pray. Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, / will pray. So I went to prayer to God ; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect : Lord, Satan tells me, that neither Thy mercy, nor Christ's blood, is sufficient to save my soul : Lord, shall I honour Thee most, by believing Thou wilt, and canst ? or him, by believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst ? Lord, I would fain honour Thee, by believ- ing Thou wilt and canst.
201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that
I could not think scripture fastened on my heart (O I had faith man^ great js thy fakh^ Mau> xy 2g^
even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God : yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after ; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on ; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.
202. There was nothing now that I longed for
more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I
doubt* °Ut°f was vehementty desiring to know, if
there was indeed hope for me, these
words came rolling into my mind, Will the Lord
cast off for ever ? and will He be favourable no
114
HIS PROMISE DOTH NOT FAIL
more? Is His mercy clean gone for ever? Doth His promise fail for evermore ? Hath God forgotten to be gracious ? Hath He In anger shut up His tender mercies? Ps. Ixxvii. 7-9. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, 'Tis a question whether He hath or no: it may be He hath not. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable : that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.
203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul? in which doubt I con- tinued from morning, till about seven or eight at night : and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart : He is able. But methought, this word able, was spoke loud unto me ; it showed a great word, it seemed to be writ in great letters, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean
"5
GRACE ABOUNDING
for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.
204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and
trembling under the fear of this, That That sentence j j- /-> * 77/7 i
darted in upon no word of God could help me, that
Piece of a sentence darted in upon me, My grace is sufficient. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh ! how good a thing it is for God to send His word ! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me ; no, not large enough ; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.
205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for twenty times a mv peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day ; comfort now, and trouble presently ; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks' experience : for this about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau's parting with his birthright, would be like
116
MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT
a pair of scales within my mind ; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.
206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture Therefore I did more fully on my heart ; to wit, that stm Pray to God He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not : that He gave, that I gathered ; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me ; My grace is sufficient : And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope ; yet because for thee was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God's people, full of sadness and terror ; for my