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BANCROFT; LIBRARY • >
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THE UNIVERSITY ^
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FANTASTIC FABLES
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JSierce
Bmbrose Bierce
In the Midst of Life. Tales of Sol- diers and Civilians. 16° . . $1.25
Fantastic Fables. 16° . . . $
G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS
NEW YORK & LONDON
FANTASTIC FABLES
BY AMBROSE BIERCE
AUTHOR OF " TALES OF SOLDIERS AND
CIVILIANS," "CAN SUCH THINGS BE?"
"BLACK BEETLES IN AMBER," ETC.
G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS NEW YORK AND LONDON
Jinicker bother J
COPYRIGHT, 1898
BY
G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS Entered at Stationers' Hall, London
Ube Unicfterbocber press, Hew
A ff CFG FT UPF/F','
Contents
THE MORAL PRINCIPLE AND THE MATERIAL
INTEREST . . . .... i
THE CRIMSON CANDLE . . . . . a
THE BLOTTED ESCUTCHEON AND THE SOILED
ERMINE . . . . . . . 3
THE INGENIOUS PATRIOT . . . . . 4
Two KINGS . . / * . . . 6
AN OFFICER AND A THUG . . V . 6 THE CONSCIENTIOUS OFFICIAL . '. . V. 7 How LEISURE CAME . . • . . ^. 8 THE MORAL SENTIMENT . . . . ' ••- . g
THE POLITICIANS . . , . . . 10 THE THOUGHTFUL WARDEN . . . .11
THE TREASURY AND THE ARMS ... 12 THE CHRISTIAN SERPENT . . . .12
THE BROOM OF THE TEMPLE . . . . 12
THE CRITICS . . . . ... 14
THE FOOLISH WOMAN 15
FATHER AND SON .16
THE DISCONTENTED MALEFACTOR . . .16 A CALL TO QUIT . . .... . 17
THE MAN AND THE LIGHTNING . . . 18
THE LASSOED BEAR . * . £*** «r . 18
Hi
•oaaoo
MiEU T
Contents
THE INEFFECTIVE ROOTER . . . .20
A PROTAGONIST OF SILVER . ... 20
THE HOLY DEACON . . . . . .21
A HASTY SETTLEMENT . . .... 22
THE WOODEN GUNS . ., .... 23
THE REFORM SCHOOL BOARD . -' . . . 24 THE POET'S DOOM . . . , . .24 THE NOSER AND THE NOTE .... 26
THE CAT AND THE KING . . . . . 27
THE LITERARY ASTRONOMER . . . . 27
THE LION AND THE RATTLESNAKE . . . 28 THE MAN WITH NO ENEMIES . . . . 30
THE ALDERMAN AND THE RACCOON , . 30 THE FLYING MACHINE . :. . . .31
THE ANGEL'S TEAR . . . . . .31
THE CITY OF POLITICAL DISTINCTION . . 32 THE PARTY OVER THERE . . . . 34
THE POETESS OF REFORM ... . 35
THE UNCHANGED DIPLOMATIST . , . 37 AN INVITATION . . . ., . . 38
THE ASHES OF MADAME BLAVATSKY . . 39 THE OPOSSUM OF THE FUTURE . . . 40 THE LIFE-SAVERS ... . , . 41
THE AUSTRALIAN GRASSHOPPER ... 42 THE PAVIOR . . . .... 44
THE TRIED ASSASSIN ^. ... . 44
THE BUMBO OF JIAM . . . . -. . 45
THE Two POETS . . . . ... 46
THE THISTLES UPON THE GRAVE . . . 47 THE SHADOW OF THE LEADER . „ . 48 THE SAGACIOUS RAT . * ... . 48
Contents
THE MEMBER AND THE SOAP .••.-.- V: .-. 49 ALARM AND PRIDE . , . . . . 49
A CAUSEWAY . . ... . . 50
Two IN TROUBLE . , . , -...._ . .51
THE WITCH'S STEED , , , . . . . 52
THE ALL DOG . . . . . . . . 52
THE FARMER'S FRIEND . . .. „ . 53
PHYSICIANS Two . . . . . . 53
THE OVERLOOKED FACTOR ... . 54
A RACIAL PARALLEL . . . . . 55
THE HONEST CADI . . . . ... 56
THE KANGAROO AND THE ZEBRA . . . 57 A MATTER OF METHOD . ... -57
THE MAN OF PRINCIPLE . ., - • . ..,. . 58 THE RETURNED CALIFORNIAN ... . , -f .. . 59
THE COMPASSIONATE PHYSICIAN . . , . 59 Two OF THE DAMNED . . .- . . 60 THE AUSTERE GOVERNOR . . . .61
RELIGIONS OF ERROR . . . .62
THE PENITENT ELECTOR . . . . . . 63
THE TAIL OF THE SPHINX . . . . . 64
A PROPHET OF EVIL . . . ... 65
THE CREW OF THE LIFE-BOAT . • . . . 65 A TREATY OF PEACE . . ... 66
THE NIGHTSIDE OF CHARACTER . . . 68 THE FAITHFUL CASHIER . ;. -. . . 69 THE CIRCULAR CLEW . , , : . . 70 THE DEVOTED WIDOW . » , .71
THE HARDY PATRIOTS . .... . 71
THE HUMBLE PEASANT . ... . . 72
THE VARIOUS DELEGATION ...... 74
vi Contents
PACK
THE No CASE . „• v . » . . 75
A HARMLESS VISITOR . . • • • 7&
THE JUDGE AND THE RASH ACT . . . 77
THE PREROGATIVE OF MIGHT . . . . 78
AN INFLATED AMBITION ... . - . 79
REJECTED SERVICES . . « . . 79
THE POWER OF THE SCALAWAG . ... 80
AT LARGE — ONE TEMPER . ;? . . 80
THE SEEKER AND THE SOUGHT . . . 81
His FLY-SPECK MAJESTY . . . . . 82
THE PUGILIST'S DIET .. ... • 83
THE OLD MAN AND THE PUPIL . • . 83
THE DECEASED AND HIS HEIRS ... 84
THE POLITICIANS AND THE PLUNDER . . 85
THE MAN AND THE WART .... 86
THE DIVIDED DELEGATION . . . . 87
A FORFEITED RIGHT . . . . . 88
REVENGE . . . . v . - • . • 89
AN OPTIMIST . v . . ... . 9°
A VALUABLE SUGGESTION ... . . 91
Two FOOTPADS . . . , * . 92
EQUIPPED FOR SERVICE . . . . . 92
THE BASKING CYCLONE . . • . . . . 93
AT THE POLE . . . . . . . 93
THE OPTIMIST AND THE CYNIC ... 94
THE POET AND THE EDITOR . * , . 95
THE TAKEN HAND . . . ... 97
AN UNSPEAKABLE IMBECILE . , . . . 97
A NEEDFUL WAR ... . . -. -;' . 98
THE MINE OWNER AND THE JACKASS . . 99
THE DOG AND THE PHYSICIAN „ . . 100
Contents vii
PAGE
THE PARTY MANAGER AND THE GENTLEMAN . 100
THE LEGISLATOR AND THE CITIZEN « . 102
THE RAINMAKER . . \. . . . 103
THE CITIZEN AND THE SNAKES . . . 104
FORTUNE AND THE FABULIST . . . . 105
A SMILING IDOL . . . ... 106
PHILOSOPHERS THREE . . . . . 107
THE BONELESS KING . ". ' . . 108
UNCALCULATING ZEAL . ... . 109
A TRANSPOSITION . . . . . . no
THE HONEST CITIZEN in
A CREAKING TAIL 112
WASTED SWEETS . . . . . . 112
Six AND ONE . . . . . . . 113
THE SPORTSMAN AND THE SQUIRREL . .114
THE FOGY AND THE SHEIK . . * . 115
AT HEAVEN'S GATE . . . . . . 116
THE CATTED ANARCHIST 118
THE HONOURABLE MEMBER . . . .119
THE EXPATRIATED Boss . . . . . 120
AN INADEQUATE FEE . . . . . 120
THE JUDGE AND THE PLAINTIFF . . . 121
THE RETURN OF THE REPRESENTATIVE . . 122
A STATESMAN .123
Two DOGS . . . . . . 124
THREE RECRUITS . . ; . . . 124
THE MIRROR . . . . ... 125
SAINT AND SINNER . . . . ' • *. . 126
AN ANTIDOTE . . . . . ' . . 127
A WEARY ECHO . . ... . 127
THE INGENIOUS BLACKMAILER . 128
viii Contents
A TALISMAN . « • • • • •-.*•'• • 129
THE ANCIENT ORDER . . •• , • .129
A FATAL DISORDER . . ... . 130
THE MASSACRE. . ... ... 131
A SHIP AND A MAN . ..' . . ... 132
CONGRESS AND THE PEOPLE ... .133
THE JUSTICE AND His ACCUSER . % . 134
THE HIGHWAYMAN AND THE TRAVELLER . 134 THE POLICEMAN AND THE CITIZEN . . .135
THE WRITER AND THE TRAMPS . • ^. 136
Two POLITICIANS 136
THE FUGITIVE OFFICE . . . . . 137
THE TYRANT FROG . . . .... 138
THE ELIGIBLE SON-IN-LAW . . ... 138
THE STATESMAN AND THE HORSE . . . 139
AN ^EROPHOBE . . ,. . • . . 140
THE THRIFT OF STRENGTH . . . . 141
THE GOOD GOVERNMENT . ... . . 141
THE LIFE-SAVER . . . . . . 142
THE MAN AND THE BIRD . . . . 143
FROM THE MINUTES . . . . . 144
THREE OF A KIND . , . ... . 145
THE FABULIST AND THE ANIMALS . ' , „ . 145
A REVIVALIST REVIVED . . . . . 147
THE DEBATERS . 148
TWO OF THE PlOUS . . . ^ ,. . 149
THE DESPERATE OBJECT . .' . . . 149
THE APPROPRIATE MEMORIAL . . . . 150
A NEEDLESS LABOUR . . . , . 151
A FLOURISHING INDUSTRY . .' , . 151 THE SELF-MADE MONKEY . . . .152
Contents ix
THE PATRIOT AND THE BANKER . .
THE MOURNING BROTHERS . . . 5 . 153
THE DISINTERESTED ARBITER . . . . 154
THE THIEF AND THE HONEST MAN * . 155
THE DUTIFUL SON . .' .'/ •' . . 155
THE CAT AND THE YOUTH .... 159
THE FARMER AND His SONS . . . . 159
JUPITER AND THE BABY SHOW . . . 160
THE MAN AND THE DOG. . . . . 160
THE CAT AND THE BIRDS . . . • . 161
MERCURY AND THE WOODCHOPPER . . .162
THE Fox AND THE GRAPES . . . .162
THE PENITENT THIEF ... . . 162
THE ARCHER AND THE EAGLE . . . 163
TRUTH AND THE TRAVELLER . " >* . . 163
THE WOLF AND THE LAMB . . , . 164
THE LION AND THE BOAR « . . . 164
THE GRASSHOPPER AND THE ANT . . .165
THE FISHER AND THE FISHED . . . 165
THE FARMER AND THE Fox . . . . 166
DAME FORTUNE AND THE TRAVELLER . . 166
THE VICTOR AND THE VICTIM . . . 167
THE WOLF AND THE SHEPHERDS . '„ . 167
THE GOOSE AND THE SWAN . . . . 168
THE LION, THE COCK, AND THE Ass . . 168
THE SNAKE AND THE SWALLOW . . . 169
THE WOLVES AND THE DOGS . * * . 169
THE HEN AND THE VIPERS . * . 170
jfantastic jfables
The Moral Principle and the Material Interest . .
A MORAL Principle met a Material In- terest on a bridge wide enough for but one.
" Down, you base thing! " thundered the Moral Principle, " and let me pass over you! "
The Material Interest merely looked in the other's eyes without saying anything.
" Ah," said the Moral Principle, hesi- tatingly, " let us draw lots to see which shall retire till the other has crossed."
The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an unwavering stare.
" In order to avoid a conflict," the Moral Principle resumed, somewhat un-
* ^fantastic ffablea
easily, " I shall myself lie down and let you walk over me."
Then the Material Interest found a tongue, and by a strange coincidence it was its own tongue. " I don't think you are very good walking," it said. " I am a little particular about what I have under- foot. Suppose you get off into the water. ' '
It occurred that way.
The Crimson Candle
A MAN lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside and said :
" I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of your affec- tion and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a married man seeking ad- mittance at the gate of Heaven is required to swear that he has never defiled himself with an unworthy woman. In my desk you will find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the High Priest and has a peculiar mystical significance. Swear to me that while it is in existence you will not remarry."
^fantastic jfables 3
The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood at the head of the bier, holding a lighted crim- son candle till it was wasted entirely away.
The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine .
A BLOTTED Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said :
" Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things."
When the Blotted Escutcheon had re- sumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and said :
" Mr. Speaker, I have heard with pro- found attention and entire approval the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient enemy, the
4 jfantastfc jfables
Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the Mustela maculata, which is dirty from birth."
The Ingenious Patriot
HAVING obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a paper from his pocket, saying :
" May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing armour- plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and there- fore invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majesty's Ministers, attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it for a million tumtums."
After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extor- tion Department for a million tumtums.
" And here," said the Ingenious Pa- triot, pulling another paper from another pocket, " are the working plans of a gun
Ifantasttc jfabies 5
that I have invented, which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty's Royal Brother, the Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your Ma- jesty's throne and person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price is one million tumtums."
Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand into still another pocket, remarking:
4 have been much greater, your Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be so effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour plates with a new
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.
" Search this man," he said, " and re- port how many pockets he has."
" Forty-three, Sire," said the Great Head Factotum, completing the scrutiny.
" May it please your Majesty," cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror, " one of them contains tobacco."
" Hold him up by the ankles and shake
6 ffantastfc ffables
him," said the King; " then give him a check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to death. Let a decree issue de- claring ingenuity a capital offence."
Two Kings
THE King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of Bornegascar, wrote him as follows :
" Before proceeding further in this mat- ter I demand the recall of your Minister from my capital."
Greatly enraged by this impossible de- mand, the King of Bornegascar replied :
" I shall not recall my Minister. More- over, if you do not immediately retract your demand I shall withdraw him! "
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to comply he fell over his own feet, breaking the Third Commandment.
An Officer and a Thug
A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very indignant,
fantastic ffables 7
and said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal.
" Don't be too hard on me," said the Officer, smiling; " I was beating him with a stuffed club."
" Nevertheless," persisted the Chief of Police, " it was a liberty that must have been very disagreeable, though it may not have hurt. Please do not repeat it."
" But," said the Officer, still smiling, " it was a stuffed Thug."
In attempting to express his gratifica- tion, the Chief of Police thrust out his right hand with such violence that his skin was ruptured at the arm -pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the wound. He was a stuffed Chief of Police.
The Conscientious Official
WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely to his busi- ness of placing obstructions on the track and tampering with the switches he re- ceived word that the President of the road was about to discharge him for incom- petency.
8 fantastic ffables
"Good Heavens!" he cried; ''there are more accidents on my division than on all the rest of the line."
' The President is very particular," said the Man who brought him the news ; " he thinks the same loss of life might be ef- fected with less damage to the company's property. ' '