CHAPTER VIL

During the first year I did not make a proper use
of my afflictions. I was still vain. I sometimes lied,
to excuse myself to my husband and mother-in-law,
because I stood strangely in awe of them. Sometimes
I fell into a passion, their conduct appeared so very
unreasonable, and especially their countenancing the
most provoking treatment of the girl who served me.
For as to my mother-in-law, her age and rank rendered
her conduct more tolerable. But thou, O my God,
opened my eyes to see things in a very different light.
I found in thee reasons for suffering, which I had never
found in the creature. I afterwards saw clearly and
reflected with joy, that this conduct, as unreasonable
as it seemed, and as mortifying as it was, was quite
necessary for me; for had I been applauded here as I
was at my father’s, I should have grown intolerably
proud. I had a fault common to most of our sex, — I
could not hear a beautiful woman praised, without
finding fault in her; artfully causing it to be remarked,
to lessen the good which was said of her. This fault of
mine continued long, and was the fruit of gross and
malignant pride. Extravagantly extolling anyone pro¬
ceeds from a like source.

Just before the birth of my first child, they were
induced to take great care of me, and my crosses were
thereby somewhat mitigated. Indeed, I was so ill
that it was enough to excite the compassion of the

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most indifferent. Besides this, they had so great a
desire of having children to inherit their fortunes, that
they were continually afraid lest I should any way
hurt myself. Yet, when the time of my delivery drew
near, this care and tenderness of me abated; and once,
as my mother-in-law had treated me in a very grating
manner, I had the malice to feign a cholic, to give
them in my turn some alarm; but as I saw this little
artifice gave them too much pain, I told them I was
better. No creature could be more heavily laden with
sickness than I was during this period. Beside con¬
tinual heavings, I had so strange a distaste, except
for some fruit, that I could not bear the sight of food
I had likewise continual swoonings and violent pains.
After my delivery I continued weak a long time.
There was indeed sufficient to exercise patience, and I
was enabled to offer up my sufferings to our Lord. I
took a fever, which rendered me so weak, that after
several weeks I could scarcely bear to be moved, to
have my bed made. When I began to recover, an
imposthume fell upon my breast, which was forced to
be laid open in two places, which gave me great pain.
Yet all these maladies seemed to me only a shadow of
troubles, in comparison of those I suffered in the fam¬
ily; which far from diminishing, daily increased. I
was also subject to a very violent headache. Indeed,
life was so wearisome to me, that those maladies which
were thought mortal did not frighten me.

The event mentioned improved my appearance,
and consequently served to increase my vanity. I was
glad to call forth expressions of regard; and, far from
avoiding the occasions thereof, I went to the public
promenades, (though but seldom;) and when in the

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49

streets, I pulled off my mask out of vanity, and drew
off my gloves to show my hands. Could there be
greater folly? After falling into these weaknesses, I
used to weep bitterly at home; yet when occasion
offered, I fell into them again.

There happened in the family a matter of great
importance, in regard to our temporal affairs. My
husband lost considerably. This cost me strange
crosses for above a year; not that I cared for the losses,
but 1 seemed to be the butt of all the ill-humors of
the family. It would require a volume to describe all
that I suffered during this time. With what pleas¬
ure did I sacrifice these temporal blessings; and how
often felt willing to have even begged my bread, if God
had so ordered it. But my mother-in-law was incon¬
solable. She bid me pray to God for these things; but
to me that was wholly impossible. O my dearest Lord,
never could I pray to thee about the world, or the
things thereof; nor sully my sacred addresses to thy
Majesty with the dirt of the earth. No; I rather wish
to renounce it all, and everything beside whatsoever,
for the sake of thy love, and the enjoyment of thy
presence in that kingdom which is not of this world.
I wholly sacrificed myself to thee, even earnestly beg¬
ging thee rather to reduce our family to beggary, than
suffer it to offend thee. In my ovn mind I excused
my mother-in-law, saying to myself, “If I had taken
the pains to scrape and save like her, I would not be
so indifferent at seeing so much lost. I enjoy what cost
me nothing, and reap what I have not sowed.” Yet
all these thoughts could not make me sensible to our
losses. I even formed agreeable ideas of our going to
the hospital. No state appeared to me so poor and

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THE LIFE OP MADAME GUYON.

miserable, which I should not have thought easy, in
comparison of the continual domestic persecutions I
underwent; but my father, who loved me tenderly, and
whom I honored beyond expression, knew nothing of
it. God so permitted it, that I should have him also
displeased with me for some time; for my mother was
continually telling him that I was an ungrateful crea¬
ture, showing no regard for them, but all for my
husband’s family. Appearances were against me; for
I did not go to see them near as often as I should
have done. But they knew not the captivity I was in;
and what I was obliged to bear in defending them.
These complaints of my mother, and a trivial affair
that fell out, lessened a little my father’s fond regard
for me; but it did not hold long. My mother-in-law
reproached me, saying, “No afflictions befell them till
I came into the house. All misfortunes came along
with me.” On the other side my mother wanted me
to exclaim against my husband, which I could never
submit to do.

We continued to meet with loss after loss, the King
retrenching a considerable share of our revenues,
besides great sums of money, which we lost by L’Hotel
de Ville. I could have no rest or peace, in the midst
of such great afflictions. I had no mortal either to
console me, or to advise with me. My sister, who had
educated me, had departed this life. She died two
months before my marriage; and I had no other for a
confidant.

I declare, that I find much repugnance in saying so
many things of my mother-in-law, and yet more in
what I mention of my husband, as I have no doubt
but my own indiscretion, my caprice, and the occasional

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51

sallies of a warm temper, drew many of the crosses
upon me. And, although I had what the world calls
patience, yet I had neither a relish nor love for the
cross, and hence I fell into so many faults. Their con¬
duct towards me, which appeared so unreasonable,
should not be looked upon with worldly eyes; we
should look higher, and then we shall perceive, that it
was directed by Providence for my eternal advantage.
Indeed, I would yield to the repugnance I feel to speak
of them, and be totally silent with regard to their
treatment of me, were it not for the injunction you
have laid upon me as my spiritual director, to relate
everything.

I now dressed my hair in the most modest manner,
never painted, and to subdue the vanity which still had
possession of me, I rarely looked in the glass. My
reading was confined to books of devotion, such as
Thomas a’Kempis, and the works of St. Francis de
Sales. I read these aloud for the improvement of the
servants, whilst the maid was dressing my hair; and I
suffered myself to be dressed just as she pleased,
which freed me from a great deal of trouble, and took
away the occasions wherein my vanity used to be exer¬
cised. I knew not how things were; but they always
liked me, and thought all well in point of dress. H on
some particular days I wanted to appear better, it
proved worse; and the more indifferent I was about
dress, the better I appeared. How often have I gone
to Church, not so much to worship God as to be seen.
Other women, jealous of me, affirmed that I painted;
and told my confessor, who chided me for it, though J
assured him I was innocent. I often spoke in my own
praise, and sought to raise myself by depreciating

LIFE OF MADAME GUYOlt.

others. Yet these faults gradually decreased; for I
was very sorry afterwards for having committed them.
I often examined myself very strictly, writing down
my faults from week to week, and from month to
month, to see how much I was improved or reformed.
But, alas! this labor, though fatiguing, was of but
little service, because I trusted in my own efforts. I
wished indeed to be reformed, but my good desires
were weak and languid.

At one time my husband’s absence was so long,
and in the meantime my crosses and vexations at home
so great, that I determined to go to him. My mother-
in-law strongly opposed it; but this once my father
interfering, and insisting on it, she let me go. On my
arrival I found he had liked to have died. Through
vexation and fretting he was very much changed; for
he could not finish his affairs, having no liberty in
attending to them, keeping himself concealed at the
Hotel de Longueville, where Madame de Longueville
was extremely kind to me. But as I came publicly, he
was in great fear lest I should make him known. In a
rage he bid me return home; but love, and my long
absence from him, surmounting every other reason, he
soon relented, and suffered me to stay with him. He
kept me eight days, without letting me stir out of his
chamber; till, fearing the effects of such a close con¬
finement on my constitution, he desired me to go and
take a walk in the garden, where I met Madame de
Longueville, who testified great joy on seeing me.

I cannot express all the kindness I met with in thi3
house. All the domestics here served me with emula¬
tion, and applauded me on account of my appearance,
and exterior deportment. Yet I was much on my

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53

guard, against paying too mucli attention thereto. I
never entered into discourse with, any man when alone.
I admitted none into my coach, not even my relations,
unless my husband were in it. Nor did I go into any
man’s coach. In short, there was not any rule of dis¬
cretion which I did not duly observe, to avoid giving
any suspicion to my husband, or subject of calumny to
others. So much attention had I to a vain point of
honor, and so little for the true honor, which is to
please God. Everyone studied there how to contribute
to divert or oblige me. Outwardly everything appeared
agreeable, but chagrin had so overcome and ruffled my
husband, that I had continually something to bear.
Sometimes he threatened to throw the supper out of
the windows; but I said to him, “he would then do
me an injury, as I had a keen appetite.” I made him
laugh, and laughed with him. This appeased him;
and the manner in which I spoke diverted him. Be¬
fore that, melancholly prevailed over all my endeavors,
and over the love he had for me. But God both armed
me with patience, and gave me the grace to return
him no answer; so that the devil, who attempted to
draw me into some offence, was forced to retire in con¬
fusion, through the signal assistance of that grace.

I fell into a languishing state; I loved my God and
was unwilling to displease him, and I was inwardly
grieved on account of that vanity, which still I found
myself unable to eradicate. These inward distresses,
together with those oppressive crosses, which I had
daily to encounter, at length threw me into sickness;
and as I was unwilling to incommode the Hotel de
Longueville, I had myself moved to another house.
The disease proved violent and tedious, insomuch that

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THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

the physicians despaired of my life. The priest, who
was a pious man, seemed fully satisfied with the state
of my mind, and said, “I should die like a saint.” But
my sins were too present to my mind, and too painful
to my heart, to have such a presumption. At mid¬
night they administered the sacrament to me, as they
hourly expected my departure. It was a scene of gen¬
eral distress in the family, and among all that knew
me. There were none indifferent to my death but
myself. I beheld it without fear, and was rendered
insensible to its approach. It was far otherwise with
my husband. He was inconsolable, and in an agony
of grief, when he saw there was no hope left; but I no
sooner began to recover, than notwithstanding all his
love, his usual fretfulness returned. I now recovered
almost miraculously; and to me this disorder proved a
great blessing; for beside a very great patience under
violent pains, it served to instruct me much in my view
of the emptiness of all worldly things; it detached me
from myself and gave me new courage to suffer better
than I had yet done. The love of God gathered
strength in my heart, with a desire to please and be
faithful to him in my condition. I reaped several
other advantages from it which I need not relate, I
had yet six months to drag along with a slow fever. It
was thought that it would terminate in death. But
thy time, O my God, had not yet arrived for taking me
to thyself. Thy designs over me were widely different
from the expectations of those about me; it being thy
determination to make me both the object of thy
mercy and the victim of thy justice.

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