Chapter 5

CHAPTER VL

✦

Afterwards we came to Paris, where my vanity
increased. No course was spared to make me appear
to advantage. I was forward enough to show myself
and expose my pride, in making a parade of this vain
beauty, wanting to be loved of everyone and to love
none. Several apparently advantageous offers of mar¬
riage were made for me; but God, unwilling to have
me lost, did not permit matters to succeed. My father
still found difficulties, which my all-wise Creator raised
for my salvation; for had I married any of these per¬
sons, I should have been much exposed, and my vanity
would have had means to extend itself in a wider circle.

There was one person who had asked for me in
marriage for several years, whom my father, for family
reasons, had always refused. His manners were oppos¬
ite to my vanity. But, a fear lest I should leave
my country, together with the affluent circumstances
of this gentleman, induced my father, in spite of both
his own and my mother’s reluctance, to promise me to
him; which was done without consulting me. They
made me sign the marriage articles without letting me
know what they were; though I was well pleased with
the thoughts of marriage, flattering myself with a hope
of being thereby set at full liberty, and delivered from
the ill-treatment of my mother, which I drew upon
myself by my want of docility. Yet God ordered it
far otherwise; and the condition which I found myself

TEE UFE OF MADAME GUYON.

in afterwards, frustrated my hopes, as I shall show in
the sequel

Pleasing as marriage was to my thoughts, I was all
the time, after my being' promised, and even long after
my marriage, in extreme confusion, which arose from
two causes: The first was my natural modesty, which I
did not lose. I had much reserve towards men. The
other was my vanity; for though the husband provided
was a more advantageous match than I merited, yet I
did not think him such. And the figure which the
others made, who had offered to me before, was vastly
more engaging. Their rank would have placed me in
view. And as I consulted, in these things, nothing but
my vanity, whatever did not flatter that, was to me
insupportable. Yet this very vanity was, I think, of
some advantage to me; for ithindered me from falling
into such things as cause the ruin of families. I would
not do anything which in the eye of the world, might
render me culpable; so strictly did I guard my exterior
conduct. As I was modest at Church, and had not
been used to go abroad without my mother, and as the
reputation of our house was great, I passed for vir¬
tuous.

I did not see my spouse elect (at Paris) till two or
three days before our marriage. X caused masses to
be said all the time after my being contracted, to know
the will of God; as I wished to do it in this affair at
least. Oh, my God, how great was thy goodness, to
bear with me at this time, and to allow me to pray to
thee with as much boldness, as if I had been one of
thy friends, I who had rebelled against thee as thy
greatest enemy.

The joy of our nuptials was universal through our

THE LIFE OF MADAME GUTON.

village. Amidst this general rejoicing, there appeared
none sad but myself. I could neither laugh as others
did, nor even eat; so much was I depressed, though as
yet I knew not the cause. But it was a foretaste
which God gave me of what was to befall me. The
remembrance of the desire I had of being a nun, came
pouring in upon me. All who came to compliment
me, the day after, could not forbear rallying me,
because I wept bitterly. I answered them: “Alas! I
had desired so much to be a nun; why then am I now
married? And by what fatality has such a revolution
befallen me? No sooner was I at the house of my
new spouse, than I perceived that it would be for me
a house of mourning.

I was obliged here to change my conduct; for their
manner of living was very different from that in my
father’s house. My mother-in-law, who had long been
a widow, regarded nothing else but economy; whereas,
at my father’s house they lived in a noble manner, and
great elegance; and what my husband and mother-in-
law called pride, and I called politeness, was observed
there. I was very much surprised at this change, and
so much the more, as my vanity wished to increase,
rather than to be diminished.

At the time of my marriage I was a little past
fifteen years of age. My surprise increased greatly,
when I saw I must lose what I had acquired with so
much application. At my father’s house we were
obliged to behave in a genteel way, and to speak with
propriety. There all that I said was applauded. Here
they never hearkened to me, but to contradict and find
fault. If I spoke well, they said it was to give them a
lesson. If any questions were started at my father’s,

THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

he encouraged me to speak freely on such occasions;
but here, if I spoke my sentiments, they said it was to
enter into a dispute. They put me to silence in an
abrupt and shameful maimer, and scolded me from
morning till night.

I should have some difficulty to give you an account
of such matters, which cannot be done without wound¬
ing charity, if you had not forbidden me to omit any
one article, and if you had not positively enjoined upon
me to lay open everything, and to write down all the
particulars. But I request, before you proceed, not to
look at things on the side of the creature, which would
make these persons appear worse than they were;
for my mother-in-law had virtue, my husband had
religion, and not any vice. It is requisite to look at
everything on the side of God, who permitted these
things only for my salvation, and because he would
not have me lost. I had beside so much pride, that
had I received any other treatment, I should have con¬
tinued therein, and should not, perhaps, have turned
to God, as I was afterwards induced to do, by the
oppression of a multitude of crosses.

To return to my subject, my mother-in-law con¬
ceived such a desire to oppose me in everything, that,
in order to vex me, she made me perform the most
humiliating offices; for her humor was so extraordi¬
nary, having never surmounted it in her youth, that
she could hardly live with anybody. Saying no other
than vocal prayers, she did not see this kind of fault;
or seeing it, and not drawing from the forces of prayer,
she could not get the better of it. And it was a pity,
for she had both sense and merit. I was then made
the victim of her humors. All her occupation was to

THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

thwart me continually, and she inspired the like senti¬
ments into her son. They would make persons far my
inferiors take place above me. My mother, who had
a high sense of honor, could not endure that. And
when she heard it from others (for I told her nothing
of it) she chided me, thinking I did it, not knowing
how to keep my rank, and that I had no spirit; and
upbraided me with many other things of that sort I
durst not tell her how it was with me; but I was almost
ready to die with the agonies of grief and continual
vexation. And what aggravated them all, was the
remembrance of the persons who had proposed for me,
the difference of their humor and manners, the love
they had for me, with their agreeableness and polite¬
ness. All this made my present position very doleful,
and my burden intolerable. My mother-in-law up¬
braided me in regard to my family, and spoke to me
incessantly to the disadvantage of my father and
mother. I never went to see them, but I had some
bitter speeches to bear on my return.

On the other hand, my mother complained that I
did not come often enough to see her. She said I did
not love her, that I was alienated from my own family,
by being too much attached to my husband; so that I
had a great deal of heavy suffering to undergo on both
sides.

What/ still augmented my crosses was, that my
mother related to my mother-in-law the pains I had
cost her from my infancy. After which they reproached
me, saying, I was a changeling, and an evil spirit. My
husband obliged me to stay all day long in my mother-
in-law’s room, without any liberty of retiring into my
own apartment, so that I had not a moment’s respite to

THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

breathe a little. She spoke disadvantageous^ of me
to every body, to lessen the affection and esteem which
some had entertained for me, and galled me with the
grossest affronts before the finest company. This had
not the effect she wanted; for the more patiently they
saw me bear it, the higher esteem they had for me.

Indeed, she found the secret of extinguishing my
vivacity, and rendering me stupid; so that some of my
former acquaintances hardly knew me. Those who
had not seen me before, said, “Is this the person famed
for such abundance of wit? She can’t say two words.
She is a fine picture.” I was not yet sixteen years old.
I was so much intimidated, that I durst not go out
without my mother-in-law, and in her presence I could
not speak. I knew not what I said; so much fear had
I of putting her out of humor, and drawing some bitter
speech on myself.

To complete my affliction, they presented me with
a waiting-maid who was everything with them. She
kept me in sight like a governess, and treated me in a
strange manner. For the most part I bore with
patience these evils which I had no way to avoid. But
sometimes I let some hasty answer escape me, which
was a source of grievous crosses to me, and violent
reproaches Tor a long time together. When I went
out, the footmen had orders to give an account of
everything I did. It was then I began to eat the bread
of sorrows, and to mingle tears with my drink. At the
table they always did something to me, which covered
me with confusion. I could not forbear tears, and
thence had a double confusion, — one for what they
said to me, and the other for not being able to refrain
weeping. I had no one to confide in who might share

THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

my affliction, and assist me to bear it. When I
would impart some hint of it to my mother, I drew
upon myself new crosses, so that I resolved to have no
confidant of my trouble. It was not from any natural
cruelty that my husband treated me thus; for he loved
me even passionately, but he was warm and hasty, and
my mother-in-law continually irritated him about me.

It was in a condition so deplorable, O my God, that
I began to perceive the need I had of thy assistance.
For this situation was perilous for me, as I met with
none but admirers abroad, and such as flattered me to
my hurt, it were to be feared, lest at such a tender age,
amidst all the strange domestic crosses I had to bear,
I might be drawn away. But thou, by thy goodness
and love, gave it quite another turn. By these re¬
doubled strokes thou didst draw me to thyself, and by
thy crosses effected what thy caresses could not effect.
Nay, even then thou madest use of my natural pride,
to keep me within the limits of my duty. I knew that
a woman of honor ought never to give suspicion to her
husband. I was so very circumspect on that head,
that I often carried it to excess, so far as to refuse the
hand to such as in politeness offered me theirs. There
happened to me an adventure which, by carrying my
prudence too far, had like to have ruined me, for
things were taken contrary to their intent. But my
husband was sensible both of my innocence and of the
falsehood of the insinuations of my mother-in-law.

Such weighty crosses made me return to God. I
began to deplore the sins of my youth; for since my
marriage I ha\^ not committed any voluntarily. Yet I
still had some sentiments of vanity remaining, which. I
wished not to have. However, my troubles now coun-

THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

ter-balanced them. Moreover, many of them appeared
my just desert according to the little light I then had;
for I was not illuminated to penetrate the essence of
my vanity; I fixed my thoughts only on its appearance.
I tried to amend my life by penance, and by a general
confession, the most exact that I ever yet had made.
I laid aside the reading of romances, for which I lately
had such a fondness. Though some time before my
marriage it had been damped by reading the Gospel,
I was so much affected therewith, and discovered that
character of truth therein, as to put me out of conceit
with all the other books. Novels appeared then to
me only full of lies and deceit. I now put away even
indifferent books, to have none but such as were profit¬
able. I resumed the practice of prayer, and endeavored
to offend my God no more. I felt his love gradually
recovering the ascendant in my heart, and banishing
every other. Yet I had still an intolerable vanity and
self-complacency, which has been my most grievous
and obstinate sin.

My crosses redoubled every day. What rendered
them more painful was, that my mother-in-law, not
content with the bitterest speeches which she uttered
against me, both in public and private, would break
out in a passion about the smallest trifles, and scarcely
be pacified for a fortnight together. I past a part of my
time in bewailing myself when I could be alone; and
my grief became every day more bitter. Sometimes I
could not contain myself, when the girls, who were my
domestics, and owed me submission, treated me so ill
Nevertheless, I did what I could to subdue my temper,
which has cost me not a little.

Such stunning blows so impaired the vivacity of my

44 THE LIFE OF MADAME GUY0N.

nature, that I became like a lamb that is shorn. I
prayed to our Lord to asist me, and he was my refuge.
As my age differed from theirs (for my husband was
twenty-two years older than I) I saw well that there
was no probability of changing there humors, which
were fortified with years. As I found that whatever I
said was offensive, not excepting those things which
others would have been pleased with, I knew not what
to do. One day, weighed down with grief and in
despair, about six months after I was married, being
alone, I was tempted even to cut out my tongue, that
I might no longer irritate those who seized every word
I uttered with rage and resentment. But thou, O God,
didst stop me short and showed me my folly. I prayed
continually, and wished even to become dumb, so sim¬
ple and ignorant was L Though I have had my share
of crosses, I never found any so difficult to support, as
that of perpetual contrariety, without relaxation; of
doing all one can to please, without succeeding therein,
but even still offending by the very means designed to
oblige; and being kept with such persons, in a most
severe confinement, from morning till night, without
ever daring to quit them. I have found that great
crosses overwhelm, and stifle all anger at once. But
such a continual contrariety irritates and stirs up a
sourness in the heart. It has such a strange effect, that
it requires the utmost efforts of self-restraint, not to
break out into vexation and rage.

Thus my condition in marriage was rather that of
a slave than of a free person. And for a new augmen¬
tation of my disgraces, I perceived, four months after
my marriage, that my husband was gouty. This mal¬
ady caused me many crosses, both within and without*

THE LIFE OF MADAME GUTON.

He liad the gout twice the first year, six weeks each
time. Soon afterward it returned again; and he had
it still worse than before. He was so much plagued
with it, that he came no more out of his room, nor
often out of his bed, which he usually kept for several
months. I carefully attended him, though so very
young. I did not fail to exert myself to the utmost in
the performance of my duty. But, alas ! all this did
not gain me their friendship. I had not the consolation
to know whether what I did was agreeable. I denied
myself all the most innocent diversions, to continue
with my husband; and did whatever I thought would
please him. Sometimes he quietly suffered me, and
then I esteemed myself very happy; but at other times
I seemed insupportable to him. My particular friends
said, “ I was of a fine age indeed to be a nurse to an
invalid, and that it was a shameful thing that I did not
set more value on my talents.” I answered them, —
“ Since I had a husband, I ought to share his painful
as well as his pleasing circumstances.” Besides this,
my mother, instead of pitying me, reprimanded me
sharply for my assiduity to my husband; assuring me
that I should render myself unhappy by it; and that
he would afterwards demand, as a duty, what I now
did from choice. But, O my God, how different were
thy thoughts from theirs, — how different that which
was without, from what passed within ! My husband
had that foible, that when anyone said anything to
him against me, he flew into a passion at once. It was
the conduct of providence over me; for he was a man
of reason and loved me much. When I was sick, he
was inconsolable. I believe, had it not been for my
mother-in-law, and the girl I have spoken of, I should

THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

have been very happy with him. For most men have
their passions, and it is the duty of a reasonable woman
to bear them peaceably, without irritating them more
by cross replies.

These things thou hast ordered, O my God, in such
a manner, by thy goodness, that I have since seen it
was necessary, to make me die to my vain and haughty
nature. I should not have had power to destroy it
myself, if thou hadst not accomplished it by an all-wise
economy of thy providence. I prayed for patience
with great earnestness; nevertheless, some sallies of
my natural liveliness escaped me, and vanquished the
resolutions I had taken of being silent. This was
doubtless permitted, that my self-love might not be
nourished by my patience; for even a moment’s slip
caused me months of humiliation, reproach and sorrow,
and proved the occason of new crosses.

THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.