CHAPTER XXVIEL

I was obliged to go to Paris about some business.
Having entered into a Church, that was very dark, I
went up to the first confessor I found, whom I did not
know, nor have ever seen since. I made a simple and
short confession; but to the confessor himself I said
not a word. He surprised me much in saying, “ I
know not who you are, whether maid, wife or widow;
but I feel a strong inward motion to exhort you to do
what the Lord has made known to you, that he requires
of you. I have nothing else to say.” I answered him,
“Father, I am a widow who have little children.
What else could God require of me, but to take due
care of them in their education?” He replied, “I
know nothing about this. You know if God manifests
to you that he requires something of you; there is
nothing in the world which ought to hinder you from
doing his will. One may have to leave one’s children
to do that” This surprised me much. However, I
told him nothing of what I felt for Geneva. I disposed
myself submissively to quit everything, if the Lord
required it of me. I did not look upon it as a good I
aspired to, or a virtue I hoped to acquire, or as any¬
thing extraordinary, or as an act that would merit some
return on God’s part; but only gave myself up to be
led in the way of my duty, whatever it might be, feel¬
ing no distinction between my own will and the will of
God in me.

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In this disposition, I lived with my family in the
greatest tranquillity, until one of my friends had a great
desire to go on a mission to Siam. He lived twenty
leagues from my house. As he was ready to make a
vow to this purpose, he found himself stopped, with an
impulse to come and speak to me. He came immedi¬
ately, and as he had some reluctance to declare his mind
to me, he went to read prayers in my chapel, hoping
God would he satisfied with his making the vow, but
as he was performing divine service in my hearing, he
was stopped again. Whereupon he left the chapel to
come and speak to me. He then told me his inten¬
tion.

Though I had no thought of saying anything posi¬
tive to him on that head, I felt an impression in my
soul to relate to him my case, and the idea I had for a
long time past for Geneva. I told him a dream I had,
which appeared to me supernatural, and had reference
hereto, and when I had done, I felt a strong impulse to
say to him, “You must go to Siam; and you must also
serve me in this affair. It is for that end God has sent
you hither; I desire you to give me your advice.”
After three days, having considered the matter, and
consulted the Lord in it, he told me that he believed I
was to go thither; but to be the better assured of it, it
would be needful to see the Bishop of Geneva; that if
he approved of my design, it would be a sign that it
was from the Lord; if not, I must drop it. I fell in
with his sentiment. He then offered to go to Annecy,
to speak to the Bishop, and to bring me a faithful
account of what they should agree on together. As he
was advanced in years, we were deliberating in what
way he could take so long a journey, when there came

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two travellers, who told us the Bishop was at Paris.
This I looked on as an extraordinary providence. He
advised me to write to Father La Combe, and recom¬
mend the affair to his prayers, as he was in that
country. He then spoke to the Bishop at Paris; and
I, having occasion to go thither, spoke to him also.

I told him, “ that my design was to go into the
country, to employ there my substance, to erect an
establishment for all such as should be willing truly to
serve God, and to give themselves unto him without
reserve; and that many of the servants of the Lord had
encouraged me thereto.” The bishop approved of the
design. He said, “there were New Catholics going to
establish themselves at Gex, near Geneva, and that it
was a providential thing. I answered him, “ that I had
no vocation for Gex, but for Geneva.” He said, “ I
might go from hence to that city.”

I thought this was a way which divine Providence
had opened, for my taking this journey with the less
difficulty. And as I yet knew nothing positive of what
the Lord would require at my hand, I was not willing
to oppose anything. “Who knows,” said I, “but the
will of the Lord is only that I should contribute to
this establishment ?”

I went to see the prioress of the New Catholics at
Paris. She seemed much rejoiced, and assured me she
would gladly join me. As she is a great servant of
God, this confirmed me. For when I could reflect a
little, which was but seldom, I thought God would
make choice of her for her virtue, and me for my
worldly substance; for when I inadvertantly looked at
myself, I could not think God would make use of me;
but when I saw the things in God, then I perceived

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that the more I was nothing, the fitter I was for his
designs. As I saw nothing in myself extraordinary,
and looked on myself as being in the lowest stage of
perfection, and imagined that an extraordinary degree
of inspiration was necessary for extraordinary designs,
this made me hesitate, and fear deception. I did not
yet sufficiently comprehend, that to follow, step by
step, the guidance of divine Providence was the great¬
est and purest light. It was not that I was in fear of
anything, as to my perfection and salvation which I had
referred to God; but I was afraid of not doing his will
by being too ardent and hasty in doing it. I went to
consult Father Claude Martin. At that time he gave
me no decisive answer, demanding time to pray about
it; saying he would write to me what should appear to
him to be the will of God concerning me.

I found it hard to get to speak to M. Bertot, both
on account of his being difficult of access, and of my
knowing how he condemned things extraordinary, or
out of the common road, beside his never having given
me the least help in regard to my inward leadings.
Yet, being my director, I submitted, against my own
views or judgment, to what he said, laying down all my
own experiences when duty required me to believe and
obey. I thought, however, that in an affair of this
importance, I ought to address myself to him, and pre¬
fer his sense of the matter to that of every one beside,
persuaded, he would infallibly tell me the will of God.
I went to him then, and he told me that my design was
of God, and that he had had a sense given him of God
for some time past, that he required something of me.
I therefore returned home to set everything in order.
I loved my children much, having great satisfaction in

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being with them, but resigned all to God to follow his
will.

On my return from Paris, I left myself in the hands
of God, resolved not to take any step, either to make
the thing succeed or to hinder it, either to advance or
retard it, but singly to move as he should be pleased
to direct me. I had mysterious dreams, which por¬
tended nothing but crosses, persecutions and afflictions.
My heart submitted to whatever it should please God
to ordain. I had one which was very significant.

Being employed in some necessary work, I saw near
me a little animal which appeared to be dead. This
animal I took to be the envy of some persons, which
seemed to have been dead for some time. I took it
up, and as I saw it strove hard to bite me, and that it
magnified to the view of the eye, I cast it away; but
found thereupon that it filled my fingers with sharp-
pointed prickles like needles. I came to one of my
acquaintance to get him to take them out; but he
pushed them deeper in, and left me so, till a charitable
priest, of great merit, (whose countenance is still pre¬
sent with me, though I have not yet seen him, but
believe I shall before I die) took this animal up with a
pair of pincers. As soon as he held it fast, those sharp
prickles fell off, of themselves. Then I found that I
easily entered into a place, which before had seemed
inaccessible. And although the mire was up to my
girdle, in my way to a deserted Church, I went over it,
without getting any dirt. It will be easy to see in the
sequel what this signified.

Doubtless you will wonder that I, who make so little
account of things extraordinary, relate dreams. I do
it for two reasons; first, out of fidelity, having prom-

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181

ised to omit nothing of what should come into my
mind; secondly, because it is the method God makes
use of to communicate himself to faithful souls, to give
them foretokens of things to come, which concern
them. Thus mysterious dreams are found in many
places of the holy Scriptures. They have singular
properties, as —

1st. To leave a certainty that they are mysterious,
and will have their effect in their season;

2d. To be hardly ever effaced out of the memory,
though one forgets all others;

3d. To redouble the certainty of their truth every
time one thinks of them; and

4th. They generally leave a certain unction, a divine
sense or savor at one’s waking.

I received letters from sundry religious persons,
some of whom lived far from me, and from one another,
relating to my going forth in the service of God, and
some of them to Geneva in particular, in such a man¬
ner as surprised me. One of them intimated that I
must there bear the cross and be persecuted; and
another of them that I should be eyes to the blind, feet
to the lame, and arms to the maimed.

The ecclesiastic, or chaplain, of our house was much
afraid lest I was under a delusion; but what at that
time greatly confirmed me was that Father Claude
Martin, whom I mentioned above, wrote to me that, after
many prayers, the Lord had given him to know that
he required me at Geneva, and to make a free sacrifice
of everthing to him. I answered him, “ that perhaps
the Lord required of me nothing more than a sum of
money to assist in founding an institution which was
going to be established there.” He replied, that the

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Lord had made him know that he wanted not my
worldly substance but myself. At the very same time
with this letter I received one from Father La Combe,
who wrote to me that the Lord had given him a cer¬
tainty, as he had done to several of his good and faith¬
ful servants and hand-maids, that he wanted me at
Geneva. The writers of these two letters lived above a
hundred and fifty leagues from each other; and yet
both wrote the same thing. I could not but be some¬
what surprised to receive at the same time two letters
so exactly alike, from two persons living so far distant
from each other.

As soon as I became fully convinced of its being the
will of the Lord, and saw nothing on earth capable of
detaining me, my senses had some pain about leaving
my children. And upon reflecting thereon a doubt
seized my mind. O my Lord! Had I rested on
myself, or on the creatures, I would have revolted; and
“ leaned on a broken reed, which would have pierced
my hand.” But relying on thee alone, what needed I
to fear? I resolved then to go, regardless of the cen¬
sures of such as understand not what it is to be a ser¬
vant of the Lord, and to receive and obey his orders.
I firmly believed that he, by his Providence, would
furnish the means necessary for the education of my
children. I put everything by degrees in order, the
Lord alone being my guide.

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