CHAPTER XXTTT.

Being now a widow, my crosses, which one would
have thought should have abated, only increased*
That turbulent domestic I have so often mentioned,
instead of growing milder, now that she depended on
me, became more furious than ever. In our house she
had amassed a good fortune, and I settled on her,
besides, an annuity for the remainder of her life, for
the services she had done my husband. She swelled
with vanity and haughtiness. Having been used to sit
up so much with an invalid, she had taken to drink
wine, to keep up her spirits. This had now passed
into a habit. As she grew aged and weak, a very little
affected her. I tried to hide this fault; but it grew so
that it could not be concealed. I spoke of it to her
confessor, in order that he might try, softly and art¬
fully to reclaim her from it; but instead of profiting
by her director’s advice, she was outrageous against me#
My mother-in-law, who could hardly bear the fault of
intemperance, and had often spoken to me about it,
now joined in reproaching me and vindicating her.
This strange creature, when any company came, would
cry out with all her might, “ that I had dishonored her,
thrown her into despair, and would be the cause of her
damnation, as I was taking the ready course to my
own.” Yet at this time God gave me an unbounded
patience. I answered only with mildness and charity
all her passionate invectives, giving her besides every

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possible mark of my affection. If any other maid came
to wait on me, she would drive her back in a rage, cry¬
ing out, that “ I hated her on account of the affection
with which she had served my husband.” When she
had not a mind to come, I was obliged to serve myself;
and when she did come, it was to chide me and make
a noise. When I was very unwell, as was often the
case, this girl would appear to be in despair. From
hence I thought it was from thee, O Lord, that all
this came upon me; for without thy permission, she
was scarcely capable of such unaccountable conduct.
She seemed not sensible of any faults, but always to
think herself in the right. All those whom thou hast
made use of to cause me to suffer, thought they were
rendering service to thee in so doing.

Before my husband’s death, I went to Paris on
purpose to see Monsieur Bertot, who had been of very
little service to me as a director. Not knowing my
state, and I being incapable of telling him of it, he
grew weary of the charge. At length he threw it up,
and wrote to me to take another director. I made no
doubt but God had revealed to him my wicked state;
and this desertion of me seemed a most certain mark
of my reprobation. This was during the life of my
husband. But now my renewed solicitations, and his
sympathy with me on my husband’s death, prevailed
on him to resume my direction, which to me still
proved of very little service. I went again to Paris on
purpose to see him. While there, I visited him
twelve or fifteen times, without being able to tell him
anything of my condition. I told him, indeed, that I
wanted some ecclesiastic to educate my son, to lid him
of his bad habits, and of the wrong impressions he had

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conceived against me. He found one for me, of whom
lie had received very good recommendations.

I went to make a retreat with M. Bertot and Mad¬
ame de C. All that time he spoke to me not a quarter
of an hour at most. As he saw that I said nothing to
him, for indeed I knew not what to say, as I had not
spoken to him of the favors which God had conferred
on me; (not from a desire to conceal them, but because
the Lord did not permit me to do it, as he had over
me only the designs of death;) he therefore spoke to
such as he looked upon to be more advanced in grace,
and let me alone as one for whom there was nothing to
be done. So well did God hide from him the situation
of my soul, in order to make me suffer, that he wanted
to refer me to certain considerations, thinking that I
had not the spirit of prayer, and that Mrs. Granger
was mistaken when she told him I had. I did what I
could to obey him, but it was entirely impossible. On
this account I was displeased with myself, because I
believed M. Bertot rather than my own experience.
Through this whole retreat my inclination, which I
discerned only by my resistance to it, was to rest in
silence and nakedness of thought; but in the settling
of my mind therein I feared I was disobeying the
orders of my director; and this made me think that I
had fallen from grace. I kept myself in a state of
nothingness, content with my poor low degree of
prayer, without envying the higher one of others,
which I judged myself unworthy of. I would have,
however, desired much to do the will of God, and to
please him, but despaired altogether of ever attaining
that desirable end.

There was in the place where I lived, and had been

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for some years, one whose doctrine was suspected.
He possessed a dignity in the Church, which always
obliged me to have a deference for him. As he under¬
stood how averse I was to all who were suspected of
unsoundness in the faith, and knowing that I had some
credit in the place, he used his utmost efforts to engage
me in his sentiments. I answered him with so much
clearness and energy, that he had not a word to reply.
This increased his desire to win me over, and in order
to do it, to contract a friendship for me. He con¬
tinued to importune me for two years and a half. As
he was very polite, and of an obliging temper, and had
a good share of learning, I did not mistrust him, but
even conceived a hope of his conversion, in which I
found myself mistaken. I then ceased going near him.
He came to inquire why he could see me no more.
At that time he was so agreeable to my sick husband,
in his assiduities about him, that I could not avoid him
though I thought the shortest and best way for me
would be to break off all acquaintance with him, which
I did after the death of my husband, for M. Bertot
would not permit me to do it before. Therefore, when
he now saw that he could not renew it, he and his
party raised up strong persecutions against me.

These gentlemen had at that time a method among
them, by which they soon knew who were of their
party, and who were opposite. They sent to one
another circular letters, by means of which, in a very
little time, they cried me down on every side, after a
very strange manner. Yet this gave me little trouble.
I was glad of my new liberty, intending never
again to enter into an intimacy with anyone, which
would give me so much difficulty to break off

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153

This inability I was now in, of doing those exterior
acts of charity I had done before, served this person
with a pretext to publish that it was owing to him I
had formerly done them ; and that, having broken off
from him, I now quitted them. Willing to ascribe to
himself the merit of what God alone, by his grace, had
made me do, he went so far as to preach against me
publicly, as one who had been a bright pattern to the
town, but was now become a scandal to it Several
times he preached very offensive things. And though
I was present at those sermons, and they were enough
to weigh me down with confusion, for they offended
all that heard them; I could not be troubled at it,
for I carried in myself my own condemnation beyond
utterance. I thought I merited abundantly worse than
all he could say of me, and that, if all men knew me,
they would trample me under their feet My reputa¬
tion then was blasted by the industry of this ecclesiastic.
He caused all such as passed for persons of piety to
declare against me. I thought he and they were in
the right, and therefore quietly bore it all Confused
like a criminal that dares not lift up his eyes, I looked
upon the virtue of others with respect. I saw no fault
in others, and no virtue in myself. When any hap¬
pened to praise me, it was like a heavy blow struck at
me, and I said in myself, “ They little know my miser¬
ies, and from what state I have fallen.” When any
blamed me, I agreed to it, as right and just Nature
wanted sometimes to get out of such an abject condi¬
tion, but could not find any way. If I tried to make an
outward appearance of righteousness, by the practice
of some good thing, my heart in secret rebuked me as
guilty of hypocrisy, in wanting to appear what I was

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not; and God did not permit that to succeed- Oh,
how excellent are the crosses of Providence ! AH other
crosses are of no value.

I was often very ill and in danger of death, and
knew not how to prepare myself for it. Several per¬
sons of piety, who had been acquainted with me, wrote
to me about those things which the gentleman (above
hinted at) spread about me, but I did not offer to
justify myself, although I knew myself innocent of the
things whereof they accused me. One day being in
the greatest desolation and distress, I opened the New
Testament on these words, “ My grace is sufficient for
thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness,” —
which for a little time gave me some relief.

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