CHAPTER XXH

As my husband drew near his end, his distempers
had no intermission. No sooner was he recovered from
one but he fell into another. He bore great pains with
much patience, offering them to God, and making a
good use of them. Yet his anger toward me increased,
because reports and stories of me were multiplied to
him, and those about him did nothing but vex him.
He was the more susceptible of such impressions, as
his pains gave him a stronger bent to vexation. At
this time, the maid, who had used to torment me,
sometimes took pity on me. She came to see me as
soon as I was gone into my closet, and said, “ Come to
my master, that your mother-in-law may not speak any
more to him against you.” I pretended to be ignorant
of it all; but he could not conceal his displeasure, nor
even suffer me near him. My mother-in-law at the
same time kept no bounds. All that came to the house
were witnesses of the continual scoldings, which I was
forced to bear, and which I bore with much patience,
notwithstanding my being in the condition I have
mentioned.

My husband having, sometime before his death,
finished the building of the chapel in the country,
where we spent a part of the summer, I had the conve-
niency of hearing prayers every day, and of the com¬
munion; but not daring to do it openly every day, the
priest privately admitted me to the communion. They

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143

solemnized the dedication of this little chapel, and
though I had already begun to enter into the condi¬
tion I have described, yet when they began to bless it,
I felt myself all on a sudden inwardly seized, which
continued more than five hours, all the time of the
ceremony, when our Lord made a new consecration of
me to himself. I then seemed to myself a temple con¬
secrated to him, both for time and for eternity; and
said within myself, (speaking both of the one and the
other,) “May this temple never be profaned; — may the
praises of God be sung therein forever ! ” It seemed
to me at that time as if my prayer was granted. But
soon all this was taken from me, and not so much as
any remembrance thereof left to console me.

When I was at this country house, which was only
a little place of retreat before the chapel was built, I
retired for prayer to woods and caverns. How many
times, here, has God preserved me from dangerous and
venomous beasts! Sometimes, unawares, I kneeled
upon serpents, which were there in great plenty; and
they fled away without doing me any harm. Once I
happened to be alone in a little wood wherein was a
mad bull; but, without offering me the least hurt, he
betook himself to flight. If I could recount all the
providences of God in my favor, it would appear won¬
derful. They were indeed so frequent and continual,
that I could not but be astonished at them. God ever¬
lastingly gives to such as have nothing to repay him.
If there appears in the creature any fidelity or patience,
it is he alone who gives it. If he ceases for an instant
to support, — if he seems to leave me to myself, I cease
to be strong, and find myself weaker than any other
creature. If my miseries show what I am, his favors

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show what he is, and the extreme necessity I am under
of ever depending on him.

At last, after passing twelve years and four months
in the crosses of marriage, as great as possible, except
poverty which I never knew, though I had much
desired it, God drew me out of that state (after the
manner I am going to relate) to give me still stronger
crosses to bear, and of such a nature as I had never met
with before. For if you give attention, sir, to the life
which you have ordered me to write, you will remark
that my crosses have been increasing till the present
time, one being removed to give place to another to
succeed it, still heavier than the former. Amidst the
great troubles imposed upon me, when they said, “ I
was in a mortal sin,” I had nobody in the world to speak
to. I could have wished to have had somebody for a
witness of my conduct; but I had not any. I had no
support, no confessor, no director, no friend, no coun¬
sellor. I had lost all. And after God had taken from me
one after another, he withdrew also himself. I re¬
mained without any creature; and to complete my
distress, I seemed to be left without God himself, who
alone could support me in such a deeply distressing
state.

My husband’s illness grew every day more obstin¬
ate. He apprehended the approach of death, and even
wished for it, so oppressive was the languishing life he
dragged on. To his other ills was added, so great a
dislike to every sort of nourishment, that he did not
take anything necessary to sustain life. I alone had
the courage to get him to take what little he did. The
doctor advised him to go into the country. There for
a few days at first he seemed to be better, when he was

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suddenly taken with a complication of diseases. His
patience increased with his pain. I saw plainly he
could not live long. It was a great trouble to me, that
my mother-in-law kept me from him as much as she
could, and infused into his mind such a displeasure
against me, that I was afraid lest he should die in it
I took a little interval of time when she happened not
to be with him, and drawing near his bed, I kneeled
down and said to him, “ That if I had ever done any
thing that displeased him I begged his pardon, assur¬
ing him it had not been voluntary.” He appeared
very much affected, and as he had just come out of a
sound sleep, he said to me, “It is I who beg your par¬
don. I did not deserve you.” Alter that time he was
not only pleased to see me, but gave me advice what I
should do after his death; not to depend on the people
on whom I now depended. He was for eight days
very resigned and patient, though on account of the
prevailing gangrene, he was cut and opened with a
lance. I sent to Paris for the most skillful surgeon;
but when he arrived my husband was dead.

No mortal could die in a more Christian disposi¬
tion, or with more courage than he did, after having
received the sacrament in a manner truly edifying. I
was not present when he expired, for out of tenderness
he had made me retire. He was above twenty hours
unconscious and in the agonies of death. Thou didst
order, O my God, that he should die on Magdalene’s
eve, to show me that I was to be wholly thine. I re¬
newed every year, on Magdalene’s day, the marriage-
contract which I made to thee, my Lord; and I found
myself at that time free to renew it, and that most
solemnly. It was in the morning on the 21st of July,

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1676, that he died. Next day I entered into my closet,
in which was the image of my dear and divine spouse,
the Lord Jesus Christ. I renewed my marriage-con¬
tract, and added thereto a vow of chastity, with a
promise to make it perpetual, if M. Bertot, my director,
would permit me to do it. After that I was filled with
great interior joy, which was new to me, as for a long
time past I had been plunged in the deepest bitterness.

As soon as I heard that my husband had just ex¬
pired, “Oh, my God,” I cried, “thou hast broken my
bonds, and I will offer thee a sacrifice of praise.” After
that I remained in a deep silence, both exterior and
interior, quite dry and without any support. I could
neither weep nor speak. My mother-in-law said very
fine things, and was very much commended for it by
everyone. They were offended at my silence, which
they attributed to want of resignation. A friar told
me, that everyone admired the fine acts which my
mother-in-law did; but as for me, they heard me say
nothing; that I must sacrifice my loss to God. But I
could not say one single word, let me strive as I would.

I was indeed very much exhausted; for although I
was but recently delivered of my daughter, yet I
attended and sat up with my husband four and twenty
nights before his death. I was more than a year after
in recovering the fatigue, joined to my great weakness
and pain both of body and of mind. The great
depression, or dryness and stupidity which I was in,
was such that I could not say a word about God. It
bore me down in such a manner, that I could hardly
epeak. However, I entered for some moments into
the admiration of thy goodness, O my God, who had
rendered me free, exactly on the day that 1 had taken

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1*7

thee for my spouse. I saw well that my crosses would
not fail, since my mother-in-law had survived my hus¬
band. Also I was still tied, in having two children
given me in so short a time before my husband’s death,
which has evidently appeared the effect of divine wis¬
dom; for had I only my eldest son, I would have
put him in a college; and have gone myself into the
convent of the Benedictines, and so frustrated all
the designs of God upon me.

I was willing to show the esteem I had for my
husband, in causing the most magnificent funeral to be
made for him, at my own expense, that had ever been
seen in that country. I paid off the legacies he had
left. My mother-in-law violently opposed everything
I could do for securing my own interests. I had
nobody to apply to for advice or help; for my brother
would not give me the least assistance. I was ignor¬
ant of business affairs; but God, independent of my
natural understanding, always made me fit for every¬
thing that pleased him, and supplied me with such a
perfect intelligence herein, that I succeeded. I omitted
not the least minutia, and was surprised that ill these
matters I should know without ever having learned.
I digested all my papers, and regulated all my affairs,
without assistance from any one. My husband had
abundance of writings deposited in his hands. I took
an exact inventory of them, and sent them severally to
their owners, which, without divine assistance, would
have been very difficult for me; because, my husband
having been a long time sick, everything was in the
greatest confusion. This gained me the reputation of
being a skillful woman.

There was one matter of great importance. A

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number of persons, who had been contending at law
for several years, applied to my husband to settle their
affairs. Though it was not properly the business of a
gentleman, yet they applied to him, because he had
both understanding and prudence; and as he had a
love for several of them, he consented. There were
twenty actions one upon another, and in all twenty-two
persons concerned, who could not get any end put to
their differences, by reason of new incidents continually
falling out. My husband charged himself with getting
lawyers to examine their papers, but died before he
could make any procedure therein. After his death I
sent for them to give them their papers; but they
would not receive them, begging of me that I would
accommodate them, and prevent their ruin. It ap¬
peared to me as ridiculous, as impossible, to undertake
an affair of so great consequence, and which would
require so long a discussion. Nevertheless, relying on
the strength and wisdom of God, I consented. I shut
myself up about thirty days in my closet, for all these
affairs, without ever going out, but to mass and to my
meals. The arbitration being at length prepared, they
all signed it without seeing it. They were all so well
satisfied therewith, that they could not forbear publish¬
ing it everywhere. It was God alone who did those
things; for after they were settled I knew nothing
about them; and if I now hear any talk of such things,
to me it sounds like Arabic.

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