CHAPTER XX.

A lady of rank, whom I sometimes visited, took a
particular liking to me, because (as she was pleased to
say) my person and manners were agreeable to her.
She said that she observed in me something extraor¬
dinary and uncommon. I believe it was the inward
attraction of my soul that appeared on my very coun¬
tenance. For one day a gentleman of fashion said to
my husband’s aunt, “I saw the lady your niece; and it
is very evident that she lives in the presence of God.”
I was surprised at this, as I little thought such an one
as he could know what it was to have God thus pres¬
ent. This lady, I say, began to be touched with the
sense of God. For, wanting once to take me to the
play, I refused to go; (as I never went to plays,) mak¬
ing use of the pretext of my husband’s continual indis¬
positions. She pressed me exceedingly, and said, “I
should not be prevented by his sickness from taking
some amusement; and that I was not of an age to be
confined with the sick like a nurse.” I told her my
reasons for acting so by my husband. She then
perceived that it was more from a principle of piety,
than the indispositions of my husband, that I did not
go. Insisting to know my sentiment of plays, I told
her, “I entirely disapproved of them, and especially
for a Christian woman.” And as she was far more
advanced in years than I was, what I then said made
such an impression on her mind, she never went again.

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Being once with her and another lady, who was
fond of talking and who had read the fathers, they
spoke much of God. This lady spoke learnedly of him.

I said scarcely anything, being inwardly drawn to
silence, and troubled at such kind of conversation
about God. My acquaintance came next day to see
me, — “The Lord had so touched her heart, that she
could hold out no longer.” I attributed this touch to
something the other lady had said; but she said to me,
“ Your silence had something in it which penetrated to
the bottom of my soul; and I could not relish what
the other said.” Then we spoke to one another with
open hearts.

It was then that God left indelible impressions of
his grace on her soul, and she continued so athirst for
him, that she could scarcely endure to converse on
any other subject. That she might become wholly his,
he deprived her of a most affectionate husband, and
visited her with such severe crosses, and at the same
time poured his grace so abundantly into her heart,
that he soon became the sole master thereof. After
the death of her husband, and the loss of most of her
fortune, she went to reside four leagues from our
house, on a small estate, which she had yet left. She
obtained my husband’s consent to my going to spend
a week with her, to console her under her losses. God
gave her by my means all she wanted. She had a
great share of understanding, but was surprised at my
expressing things to her so far above my natural
capacity. I should have been surprised at it myself,
had I reflected on it. But it was God who gave me
the gift for her sake, diffusing a flood of grace into her
soul, without regarding the unworthiness of the chan-

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133

nel he was pleased to make use of. Since that time
her soul has been the temple of the Holy Ghost., and
our hearts have been indissolubly united.

My husband and I took a little journey together*
in which both my resignation and humility were exer¬
cised, yet without difficulty or constraint, so powerful
was the influence of divine grace. We had all liked to
have perished in a river. The rest of the company in
a desperate fright threw themselves out of the coach,
which sunk in the moving sand. I continued so much
inwardly occupied, that I did not once think of the
danger. God delivered me from it without my thought
of avoiding it. I was quite content to be drowned,
had he permitted it. It may be said, “I was rash.’’
I believe I was so; yet I rather chose to perish, trust¬
ing in God, than make my escape in a dependence on
myself. But what say I? We do not perish, but for
want of trusting in him. My pleasure is to be indebted
to him for everything. This renders me content in my
miseries, which I would rather endure all my life long,
in a state of resignation to him, than put an end to
them, in a dependence on myself. However, I would
not advise others to act thus, unless they were in the
same disposition which I was in at that time.

As my husband’s maladies daily increased, he re¬
solved to go to St. Reine. He appeared very desirous
of having none but me with him, and told me one day,
“If they never spoke to me against you, I should be
more easy, and you more happy.” In this journey I
committed many faults of self-love and self-seeking;
and being in a deep interior resignation, experienced
thereby what I should be without thy fatherly care,
O Lord. For some time past, thou hadst withdrawn

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from me that sweet interior correspondence which
before I had only to follow. I was become like a poor
traveller that had lost his way in the night, and could
find no way, path, or track. But as I reserve for
another place a description of the terrible darkness
through which I passed, I shall here continue the
thread of my history. My husband, in his return from
St. Heine, passed by St. Edm. Having now no chil¬
dren but my first-born son, who was often at the gates
of death, he wished exceedingly for hems, and prayed
for them earnestly. God granted his desire, and gave
me a second son. As I was several weeks without any
one daring to speak to me, on account of my great
weakness, it was a time of retreat and of silence,
wherein I tried to indemnify myself for the loss of time
I had sustained in the others, to pray to thee, O my
God, and to continue alone with thee. I may say that
God took a new possession of me, and left me not. It
was a time of continual joy without interruption. As
I had experienced many inward difficulties, weaknesses
and withdrawings of my Love, it was a new life. It
seemed as if I was already in the fruition of beatitude.
But how dear did this happy time cost me, since it was
only a preparative to a total privation of comfort for
several years, without any support, or hope of return !
It began with the death of Mrs. Granger, who had
been my only consolation under God. Before my
return from St. Heine I heard she was dead.

When I received this news, I confess it was the
most afflicting stroke I had ever felt. I thought, had
I been with her at her death, I might have spoken to
her, and received her last instructions; but God has so
ordered it that I was deprived of her assistance in

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136

almost all my losses, in order to render the strokes
more painful. Some months indeed before her death,
it was shown to me, that though I could not see her
but with difficulty, and suffering for it, yet she was
still some support to me; and the Lord let me know
that it would be profitable for me to be deprived of
her. But at the time she died I did not think so. It
was in that trying season when my paths were all
blocked up, she was taken from me, she who might
have guided me in my lonesome and difficult road, —
bounded as it were with precipices, and entangled with
briars and thorns.

Oh, adorable conduct of my God ! there must be no
guide for the person whom thou art leading into the
regions of darkness and death; no conductor for the
man whom thou art determined to destroy, (that is,
to cause to die totally to himself.) After having saved
me with so much mercy, O my Love; after having led
me by the hand in rugged paths, it seems thou wast
bent on my destruction. May it not be said that thou
dost not save but to destroy, nor go to seek the lost
sheep, but to cause it to be yet more lost; that thou
art pleased in building what is demolished, and in
demolishing what is built. Thus thou wouldst over¬
turn the temple built by human endeavors, with so
much care and industry — in order as it were miracu¬
lously to erect a divine structure — a house not built
with hands, eternal in the heavens. Oh, secrets of the
incomprehensible wisdom of God, unknown to any
besides himself! Yet man, sprung up only of a few
days, wants to penetrate, and to set bounds to it. Who
is it that hath known the mind of the Lord, or who
hath been his counsellor? Is it a wisdom only to be

136

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known through death to everything, and through the
entire loss of all self.

My brother now openly showed his hatred for me.
He married at Orleans, and my husband had the com¬
plaisance to go to his marriage, though he was in a
poor state of health, the roads bad, and so covered over
with snow, that we had like to have been overset twelve
or fifteen times. And yet, far from appearing
obliged by his politeness, my brother quarrelled with
him more than ever, and without any reason, too; and
I was the butt of both their resentments. While I was
at Orleans, meeting with one whom at that time I
thought highly of, I was too forward and free in speak¬
ing to him of spiritual things, thinking I was doing
well, but had a remorse for it afterwards; which I so
remembered, that I no more fell into the like fault
again. How often we mistake nature for grace ! One
must be dead to self, when such forwardness comes
from God only.

On my return, my brother treated me with the
utmost contempt. Yet, my mind was so fully drawn
inward, that although we had much more danger on
the road than in going, I had no thought about myself,
but all about my husband; so that seeing the coach
overturning, I said, “Fear not, it is on my side that it
falls; it will not hurt you.” I believe, had all perished,
I should not have been moved. My peace was so pro¬
found that nothing could shake it. If these times con¬
tinued, we should be too strong. But they now began
to come but seldom, and were followed with long and
wearisome privations. Since that time my brother has
changed for the better, and has turned on the side oi
God, but he has never turned to me. It has been by

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137

particular permission of God, and the conduct of his
providence over my soul, that has caused him and other
religious persons, who have persecuted me, to think
they were rendering glory to God, and doing acts of
justice therein. And indeed, it is just that all crea¬
tures should be treacherous to me, and declare against
me, who have too many times been treacherous to
God, and sided with his enemy.

After this there fell out a very perplexing affair.
To me it caused great crosses, and seemed designed
for nothing else. A certain person conceived so much
malice against my husband, that he was determined to
ruin him if possible. He found no other way to
attempt it, but by entering into a private engagement
with my brother; by which he obtained a power to de¬
mand, in the name of the king’s brother, two hundred
thousand livres, which he pretended that my brother
and I owed him. My brother signed the processes,
upon an assurance given him that he should not pay
anything. I think his youth engaged him in what he
did not understand. This affair so chagrined my hus¬
band, that I have reason to believe it shortened his
days. He was so angry with me, although I was inno¬
cent, that he could not speak to me but in a fury. He
would give me no light into the affair, and I did not
know in what it consisted. In the height of his rage>
he said he would not meddle with it, but give me up my
portion, and let me live as I could; with many other
things still more grating. On the other side, my broth¬
er would not move in it, nor suffer anything to be
done. The day when the trial was to come on, after
prayer, I felt myself strongly pressed to go to the
judges. I was wonderfully assisted herein, even so as

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to discover and unravel all the turns and artifices of
tins affair, without knowing how I could have been
able to do it. The first judge was so surprised to see
the affair so very different from what he had thought it
before, that he himself exhorted me to go to the other
judges, and especially to the intendant, who was just
then going to court, and was quite misinformed about
the matter. God enabled me to manifest the truth in
so clear a light, and gave such power to my words, that
the intendant thanked me for having so seasonably
come to undeceive, and set him right in the affair.
Had I not done this, he assured me the cause had
been lost. And as they saw the falsehood of every
point, they would have condemned the plaintiff to pay
the costs, if he had not been so great a prince, who lent
his name to the scheme. To save the honor of the
prince, they ordered us to pay him fifty crowns. Here¬
by the two hundred thousand livres were reduced to
only one hundred and fifty. My husband was exceed-
ingly pleased at what I had done; but my brother
appeared as outrageous against me, as if I had caused
him some very great loss. Thus moderately and at
once ended an affair, which had at first appeared so
very weighty and alarming.

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139

CHAPTER YYT

About this time I fell into a state of total privation
which lasted nearly seven years. I seemed to myself
cast down, as it were, from a throne of enjoyment,
like Nebuchadnezzar, to live among beasts; a deplor¬
able state, yet of the greatest advantage to me, by the
use which divine wisdom made of it. This state of
emptiness, darkness, and impotency, went far beyond
any trials I had ever yet met with. I have since
experienced, that the prayer of the heart when it
appears most dry and barren, nevertheless is not
ineffectual nor offered in vain. For God gives what is
best for us, though not what we most relish or wish
for. Were people but convinced of this truth, they
would be far from complaining all their life long. By
causing us death he would procure us life; for all our
happiness, spiritual, temporal and eternal, consists in
resigning ourselves to God, leaving it to him to do in
us and with us as he pleases, and with so much the
more submission, as things please us less. By this
pure dependence on his Spirit, everything is given us
admirably. Our very weaknesses, in his hand, prove
a source of humiliation. If the soul were faithful to
leave itself in the hand of God, sustaining all his oper¬
ations, whether gratifying or mortifying, suffering itself
to be conducted, from moment to moment, by his hand,
and annihilated by the strokes of his Providence, with¬
out complaining, or desiring anything but what it has;

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it would soon arrive at the experience of the eternal
truth, though it might not at once know the ways and
methods by which God conducted it thereto.

But the misfortune is, that people want to direct
God, instead of resigning themselves to be directed by
him. They want to show him a way, instead of pas¬
sively following that wherein he leads them. Hence
many souls, called to enjoy God himself, and not
barely his gifts, spend all their lives in running after
little consolations, and feeding on them; resting there
only, and making all their happiness to consist therein.

For you, my dear children, if my chains and my im¬
prisonment in any way afflict you, I pray that they may
serve to engage you to seek nothing but God for him¬
self alone, and never to desire to possess him but by the
death of your whole selves; never to seek to be some¬
thing in the ways of the Spirit, but choose ye to enter
into the most profound nothingness.

I had an internal strife, which continually racked
me; — two powers which appeared equally strong,
seemed equally to struggle for the mastery within me.
On the one hand, a desire of pleasing thee, O my God,
a fear of offending, and a continual tendency of all my
powers to thee; — on the other side, the view of all my
inward corruptions, the depravity of my heart, and the
continual stirring and rising of self. Oh, what torrents
of tears, what desolations have these cost me? “Is it
possible,” I cried, “that I have received so many graces
and favors from God — only to lose them; — that I have
loved him with so much ardor, but to be eternally
deprived of him; — that his benefits have only produced
ingratitude, — his fidelity been repaid with infidelity;
— that my heart has been emptied of all creatures, and

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141

created objects, and filled with liis blessed presence
and love, — in order now to be wholly void of divine
power, and only filled with wanderings and created
objects! ”

I could now no longer pray as formerly. Heaven
seemed shut to me, and I thought justly, too. I could
get no consolation, or make any complaint thereupon;
nor had I any creature on earth to apply to, or to
whom I might impart a knowledge of my condition.
I found myself banished from all beings, without find¬
ing a support or refuge in anything. I could no more
practice any virtue with facility; such as had formerly
been so familiar seemed now to have left me. “Alas ! ”
said I, “is it possible that this heart, formerly all
on fire, should now become like ice ! ” I often thought
all creatures combined against me. Laden with a
weight of past sins, and a multitude of new ones, I
could not think God would ever pardon me, but looked
on myself as a victim designed for helL I would have
been glad to do penances, to make use of prayers,
pilgrimages, and vows. But still, whatever I tried for
a remedy seemed only to increase the malady. I may
say that tears were my drink, and sorrow my food. I
felt in myself such a pain as I never could bring any to
comprehend, but such as have experienced it. I had
within myself an executioner who tortured me without
respite. Even when I went to Church, I was not easy
there. To sermons I could give no attention; they
were now of no service or refreshment to me. I
scarcely conceived or understood anything in them, or
about them.

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