CHAPTER XYTL

We went into the country, where I committed
many faults, letting myself go too much after my in¬
ward attraction. I thought I might do it then because
my husband diverted himself with building. If I
stayed from him he was dissatisfied, which sometimes
happened, as he was continually talking with the work¬
men. I set myself in a corner, and there had my work
with me, but could scarcely do anything by reason of
the force of the attraction which made the work fall
out of my hands. I passed whole hours this way, with¬
out being able either to open my eyes or know what
passed in me; but I had nothing to wish for, nor yet
to be afraid of. Everywhere I found my proper centre,
because everywhere I found God.

My heart could then desire nothing but what it
had; for this disposition extinguished all its desires;
and I sometimes said to myself, “What wantest thou?
What fearest thou?” And I was surprised to find upon
trial that I had nothing to fear. Every place I was in
was my proper place.

As I had generally no time allowed me for prayer
but with difficulty, and would not be suffered to rise
till seven o'clock, my bed being in my husband's room
on account of his illness — I stole up at four, and kneel¬
ing in my bed continued there, while he thought me
asleep; for I wished not to offend him, and strove to be
punctual and assiduous in everything. But this soon

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THE LIFE OF MADAME GTTYON.

affected my health and injured my eyes, which were
still very weak, it being but eight months since I had
the small-pox. This loss of rest brought a heavy trial
upon me; for as even my sleeping hours were much
broken, by the fear of not waking in time — I insensibly
dropped asleep at my prayers; even the half hour thal.
I got after dinner, though I felt quite wakeful, yet
drowsiness overpowered me. I endeavored to remedy
this by the severest bodily inflictions, but in vain.

As we had not yet built the chapel, and were far
from any Church, I could not go to prayers or sacra¬
ment, without the permission of my husband — and he
was very reluctant to suffer me, except on Sundays and
holidays. I could not go out in the coach, so that I
was obliged to make use of some stratagems, and to
get service performed very early in the morning, to
which, feeble as I was, I made an effort to creep on foot,
although it was a quarter of a league distant. And
really God wrought wonders for me; for generally, in
the mornings when I went to prayers, my husband did
not awake till after I was returned. Often, as I was
going out, the weather was so cloudy, that the girl I
took with me Jtold me, “I could not go; or if I did, I
should be soaked with the rain.” I answered her with
my usual confidence, “ God will assist us.” I generally
reached the chapel without being wet. While there
the rain fell excessively. When I returned it ceased.
When I got home it began again with fresh violence.
During several years that I have acted this way, I
have never been deceived in my confidence. When I
was in town, and could find nobody up, to be seen, I
was surprized that there came to me priests to ask me
if I was willing to receive the communion, and that if

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113

I was they would give it to me. I had no mind refuse,
O my Love, the opportunity which thou thyself offeredst
me; far I had no doubt of its being thee who inspired
them to propose it. Before I had contrived to get
divine service at the chapel I have mentioned, I have
often suddenly awoke with a strong impulse to go
to prayers. My maid would say, “But, madam, you
are going to tire yourself in vain. There will be no
service.” For that chapel was not yet regularly served.
However, I went full of faith, and at my arrival have
found them just ready to begin. If I could particularly
enumerate the remarkable providences, which were
hereupon given in my favor, there would bo enough to
fill whole volumes.

When I wanted to hear from, or write to Mother
Granger, I often felt a strong propensity to go to the
door. There I found a messenger with a letter from
her, which could not have fallen into my hands but for
that. But this is only a small instance of these kind
of continual providences. She was the only person I
could be free to open my state to, when I could get to
see her, which was with the greatest difficulty; and
through providential assistance: having not only been
prohibited by my confessor and husband, but all means
that could be devised were put in practice by my
mother-in-law to prevent it. I placed an extreme con¬
fidence in Mother Granger. I concealed nothing from
her, either of my sins or my pains. I would not have
done the least thing without telling her. I did not
qow practice any austerities but those she was willing
to allow me. There was nothing which I kept from
her but my interior dispositions; those I was scarcely
able to tell, because I knew not how to explain myself

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THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

thereon, being very ignorant of those matters, saving
never read or heard of them.

One day when they thought I was going to see my
father, I ran off to Mother Granger. It was discovered,
and cost me such crosses as I cannot express. Their
rage against me was so excessive, that it would be
incredible. Even my writing to her was extremely
difficult. For as I had the utmost abhorrence of a lie,
I forbade the footman to tell any. When they were
met they were asked whither they were going, and if
they had any letters. My mother-in-law set herself in
a little passage, through which those who went out
must necessarily pass by her. She asked them whither
they were going and what they carried. Sometimes
going on foot to the Benedictines, I caused shoes to be
carried, that they might not perceive by the dirty ones
that I had been far. I durst not go alone; and those
who attended me had orders to tell every place I went
to. If they were discovered to fail in doing it, they
were either corrected or discharged.

My husband and mother-in-law were always inveigh¬
ing against that good woman, though in reality they
esteemed her. I sometimes made my own complaint
to .her: and she replied, “How should you content
them, when I have been doing all in my power for
these twenty years to satisfy them without success ? ”
For as my mother-in-law had two daughters under her
care, she was always finding something to say against
everything she did in regard to them.

But the most sensible cross to me now was the
revolting of my own son against me, whom they in¬
spired with so great a contempt for me, that I could
not bear to see him without extreme affliction. When

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115

I toss in my chamber with some of my friends, they
sent him to listen to what we said; and as he saw this
pleased them, he invented a hundred things to tell
them. What gave me the severest pang was the loss
of my child. If I caught him in a he, as I frequently
did, he would upbraid me, saying, “My grandmother
says you have been a greater bar than I.” I answered
him, “ Therefore I know the deformity of that vice, and
how hard a thing it is to get the better of it; and for
this reason, I would not have you suffer the like.” He
spoke to me things very offensive; and because he saw
the awe I stood in of his grandmother and his father,
if in their absence I found fault with him for anything,
he insultingly upbraided me, and said, “That now I
wanted to set up for his mistress, because they were
not there.” All this they approved of, in so much as
to strengthen him in his most perverse inclinations.
One day he went to see my father, and rashly began
talking against me to him, as he was used to do to his
grandmother. But there it did not meet with the same
recompense. It affected my father to tears. He came
to our house to desire he might be corrected for it.
They promised it should be done, and yet they never
did it. I was grievously afraid of the consequences of
so bad an education. 1 1 old Mother Granger of it,
who consoled me, and said, “That since I could not
remedy it, I must suffer and leave everything to God;
and that this child would be my cross.”

Another great cross was the difficulty I had in
attending my husband. I knew he was displeased
when I was not with him; and yet when I was with
him, he never expressed any pleasure in it, nor at any¬
thing I did. On the contrary, he only rejected with

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THE LIFE OF MADAME GUYON.

scorn whatever office I performed. He was so very
uneasy with me about everything, that I sometimes
trembled when I approached him. I could do nothing
to his liking; and when I did not attend him he was
angry. He had taken such a dislike to soups, that he
could not bear the sight of them; and those that
offered them had so rough a reception, that neither his
mother nor any of the domestics would carry them to
him. There was none but I who did not refuse that
office. I brought them to him, and let his anger pass;
then tried in some agreeable manner to prevail on him
to take them. And when his passion increased, I
waited with patience, after which I said to him, “ I had
rather be reprimanded several times a day, than let
you suffer by not bringing you what is proper.” Some¬
times he took them; at other times pushed them back.
But as he saw my perseverance, he would at length
submit to take them.

When he was in a good humor, and I was earning
something agreeable to him, then my mother-in-law
would snatch it out of my hands, and cany it herself.
And as he thought I was not so careful and studious
to please him, he would fly in a lage against me,
and express great thankfulness to his mother. I silently
suffered it alL I used all my skill and endeavors to
gain my mother-in-law’s favor by my assiduities, my
presents, my services; but could not succed. How
bitter and grievous, O my God, would such a life be
were it not for thee ? But thou hast sweetened and
reconciled it to me. I had a few very short intervals
from this severe and mortifying life; but these served
only to make the reverses more keen and bitter.

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117