CHAPTER XVL

My waiting-maid became every day more haughty. Seeing that her scoldings and outcries did not now torment me, she thought, if she could hinder me from going to the communion, she would give me the great¬ est of all vexations. She was not mistaken, O divine Spouse of pure souls, since the only satisfaction of my life was to receive and to honor thee. I procured, as much as was in my power, the Churches to be well adorned I gave everything, of the finest I had, to furnish them with ornaments, and contributed to the utmost extent of my abilities, to make them have silver plates and chalices. “Oh, my Love,” I cried, “let me be thy victim ! Spare nothing to annihilate me.” I felt an inexpressible longing to be more reduced, and to become, as it were, nothing.
This girl then knew my affection for the holy sacra¬ ment, where, when I could have liberty for it, I passed several hours on my knees. She took it in her head to watch me daily. When she discovered me going thither, she ran to tell my mother-in-law and my hus¬ band. There needed no more to chagrin them. Their invectives lasted the whole day. If a word escaped me in my own justification, it was enough to make them say, I was guilty of sacrilege, and to raise an outcry against all devotion. If I made them no answer at all, they still heightened their indignation, and said the most grating tilings they could devise. If I fell sick,
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which often happened, they took occasion to come to quarrel with me in my bed, saying, my communion and prayers were what made me sick; as if there had been nothing else could make me ill, but my devotion to thee, O my Beloved !
She told me one day, in her passion, that she was going to write to him who she thought was my direc¬ tor, to get him to stop me from going to the commu¬ nion, for that he did not know me. And when I made her no answer, she cried out as loud as she could, “ that I treated her ill and despised her.” When I went out to go to prayers, (though I had taken care to arrange everything about the house,) she ran to tell my husband that I was going abroad, and had left nothing in order. WHien I returned home, rage fell on me in all its violence. They would hear none of my reasons, but said, “they were all a pack of lies.” My mother- in-law persuaded my husband, “that I let everything go to wreck, and that if she did not take the care of things, he would be ruined. He believed it, and I bore all with patience, endeavoring, as well as I could, to do my duty. What gave most trouble was the not know¬ ing what course to take; for when I ordered anything without her, she complained “that I showed her no respect, that I did things of my own head, and that they were done always the worse for it.” Then she would order them quite contrary. If I consulted her to know what, or how she would have anything to be done, she said, “I compelled her to have the care and trouble of everything.”
I had scarcely any rest but what I found in the love of thy will, O my God, and submission to thy orders, however rigorous they might be. They inces-
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santly watched my words and actions, to find occasion against me. They chided me all the day long, contin¬ ually repeating, and harping over and over the same things, and that even before the servants. How often have I made my meals on my tears, which were inter¬ preted as the most criminal in the world ! They said, I would be damned; as if the tears would open a hell for me, which surely they were more likely to extin¬ guish. If I recited anything I had heard, they would render me accountable for the truth of it. If I kept silence, they taxed me with contempt and perverseness; if I knew anything without telling it, that was a crime; if I told it, then they said, “I had forged it.” Some¬ times they tormented me for several days successively, without giving me any relaxation. The girls said, “ I ought to feign sickness, to get a little rest.” I made no reply. The love of God so closely possessed me, that it would not allow me to seek relief by a single word, or even by a look. Sometimes I said in myself, “ Oh, that I had but any one who would take notice of me, or to whom I might unbosom myself, — what a relief it would be to me ! ” But it was not granted me.
Yet, if I happened to be for some days freed from the exterior cross, it was a most sensible distress to me, and indeed a punishment more difficult to bear than the severest trials. I then comprehended what St. Teresa says, “Let me suffer or die.” For this absence of the cross was so grievous to me, that I languished with the ardency of desire for its return. But no sooner was this earnest longing granted, and the blessed cross returned again, than strange as it may seem, it ap¬ peared so weighty and burdensome, as to be almost insupportable.
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Though I loved my father extremely, and he loved me very tenderly, yet I never spoke to him of my suf¬ ferings. One of my relations, vrho loved me very much, perceived the little moderation they used toward me. They spoke very roughly to me before him. He was highly displeased, and told my father of it, adding, that I would pass for a fooL Soon after I went to see my father, who, contrary to his custom, sharply repri¬ manded me, “for suffering them to treat me in such a manner, without saying anything in my own defence,” adding, “everyone talked of me for it; that it looked as if I had neither sense nor spirit to vindicate myself.” I answered, “If they knew what my husband said to me, that was confusion enough for me, without my bringing any more of it on myself by replies; that if they did not notice it, I ought not to cause it to be observed, nor expose my husband’s weakness; that remaining silent stopped all disputes, whereas I might cause them to be continued and increased, by my replies.” My father answered, “I did well, and that I should continue to act as God should inspire me.” And after that, he never spoke to me of it any more.
They were ever talking to me against my father, whom I most tenderly loved and respected, against my relations, and all such as I esteemed most. I felt this more keenly than all they could say against myself. I could not forbear defending them, and therein I did wrong; as whatever I said served only to provoke them. If any complained of my father or relations, they were always in the right. If any, whom they had disliked before, spoke against them, they were present¬ ly approved of. If any showed friendship to me, such were not welcome. A relation whom I gr eatly loved
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for her piety, coming to see me, they openly bid her begone, or treated her in such a manner as obliged her to go, which gave me no small uneasiness. When any person of distinction came, they would speak against me; even to those who knew me not, which surprised them. But when they saw me they pitied me.
It mattered not what they said against me, love would not allow me to justify myself. I spoke not to my husband of what either my mother-in-law or the girl did to me, except the first year, when I was not sufficiently touched with the power of God, to suffer such treatment Nay, I did more than this; for as my mother-in-law and my husband were both passionate, they often quarrelled. Then I was in favor, and to me they made their mutual complaints. I never told the one what the other had said. And though it might have been of service to me, humanly speaking, to take advantage of such opportunities, I never made use of them to complain of either. Nay, on the contrary, I did not rest till I had reconciled them. I spoke many obliging things of the one to the other, which always made them friends again; though I knew by frequent experience that I should pay dear for their re-union. For scarcely were they reconciled, but they joined together against me.
I was so deeply engaged within, as often to forget things without, yet not anything which was of conse¬ quence. My husband wa3 hasty, and this inattention frequently irritated him. I walked into the garden, without observing anything there. And when my hus¬ band, who could not go thither, asked me about it, I knew not what to say, at which he was angry. I went thither on purpose to notice everything, in order to tell
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him about them; and yet when there, did not think of looking at them. I went ten times one day, to see and bring him an account of them, and yet still forgot it. But when I did remember to look at them, I was much pleased; yet it generally happened I was then asked nothing about them.
All my crosses to me would have seemed little, if I might have had liberty to pray, and to be alone, to indulge the interior atracttion which I felt. But I was obliged still to continue in their presence, with such a subjection as is scarcely conceivable. My husband looked at his watch, if at any time I had liberty allowed me for. prayer, to see if I stayed above half an hour. If I exceeded it, he grew very uneasy. Some¬ times I said to him, “ Grant me one hour to divert and employ myself as I have a mind.” And though he would have granted it to me for other diversions, yet for prayer he would not. I confess that inexperience caused me much trouble, and I have often thereby given occasion for what they made me suffer. For ought I not to have looked on my captivity as an effect of the will of my God, to content myself therein, and to make it my only desire and prayer ? But I often fell back again into the anxiety of wishing to get time for prayer; which was not agreeable to my husband. It is true, those faults were more frequent in the beginning. Afterwards I prayed to God in his own retreat, in the temple of my heart, and then I went out no more.
THE LIFE OF MADATVTR GUYON.
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